NSFW My bf keeps trying to talk me into having anal sex with him despite my repeatedly saying I don't want to. What should I do?

If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. Everyone has some sort of line that divides what they are and aren’t comfortable with sexually. Looks like you found yours. If he can’t respect that, tough cookies for him.

This would really, really irritate me, to the point where I would start insisting on putting something in his butt and then keep pestering him after he says no, so he knows how it feels.

Dump him. If he doesn’t respect you saying “no” in the bedroom, that’s a huge problem and it isn’t going to get better with time. You should never feel that you’re simply an object or an experiment.

Yeah. And then I’d probably dump him for not respecting sexual boundaries, or boundaries in general. Really selfish and disrespectful behavior.

Explain to him how his behavior makes you feel.
As MissAnthrope said, it might help to ask him how he’d feel if you were “curious” what it’d be like if someone stuck something in his butt, and/or other things that he would not want to do. Pick something you know is unacceptable to him, and ask what if you were curious about him being violated against his will in those ways, and kept trying to talk him into it.

Your reactions are entirely legitimate and he should respect them. If he can’t or won’t, then you have the choice of dumping him or being abused.

just watch out for surprises

Seriously though, if he cant respect your feelings on this he doesnt deserve to be with you.

I would walk right out the back door. Oh, wait…

I would tell him to take a flying leap out of a rolling donut.. Um..

Seriously, I would drop him and move on.

Tell him he can put it in your butt when you can put it in his.

Never let anyone make you do anything you are not 100% comfortable doing. If this guy refuses to take no for an answer, he has no right asking questions. Cut him loose and move on to someone who respects you.

Break up with him. If he is repeatedly after you to do this, and has not accepted your answer, then he is determined to do it.

Hey let me just stick my neck in this open guillotine here… okay, that’s got it….

Um @theGirls, maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to advise dumping as the cure to every relationship woe. I mean, even if the guy is a pain in the ass on this one thing, maybe he has redeeming qualities. And maybe @suzie271 has some peccadilloes of her own.

Do you do anything he finds annoying? Of course you do! You’re a couple!

So is your problem that he’s asking for something you’re never going to do and this is just an annoying habit, or that you might do it and regret it later?

I’d say put it in perspective. It’s only as important as you make it; he’s only as inappropriate as you make him out to be. The hard wants what the hard wants. A lot of women do enjoy that. Doesn’t make him Joseph Mengele to want it or to persist. Annoying, yes it makes him annoying.

You don’t have to do it, and I’ll bet with some thought you can come up with a counterproposal that works for both of you. No need to throw the baby out with the enema.

I think the issue here is that the boyfriend doesn’t seem to accept the fact that @suzie271 has made up her mind about it. She doesn’t want to try, and that’s fine. He does want to try, and that’s fine too. Seeing as how it’s her bum, she can do what she wants with it, and refrain from doing what she doesn’t want.

It’s not the actual situation that’s the problem, it’s the principle behind it. She said no, he won’t give it up.

Bottom line (no pun intended), is that if you aren’t into it, even TRYING it, then simply don’t. Your relationship ought to be worth more (to him) than just anal sex. There are plenty of other ways to enjoy sexual acts than what he is asking of you. Otherwise, you could try it, and perhaps you might even like it. Regardless, the choice is yours. I might also add that if this is a fetish of his, something that he truly likes, then it could be deserved of an attempt, that is, if he is truly about it. If you are feeling like a “sexual experiment” though, then it doesn’t sound like that is the case at all.

@6rant6 – On my planet, not respecting sexual boundaries is a total and complete deal-breaker. Maybe YOU like to be pressured into doing things sexually that you really don’t want to do, and more power to you, but I certainly don’t.

It certainly sounds like he has very little respect for you. If my husband continually asked for somethign in the bed room that I had said I would never do then he would get nothing in the bedroom. I would not feel like making love to someone who doesn’t respect me. I would sit down and explain to him that he is never going to get it and that he needs to stop asking you and respect your feelings.

@seelix, I’ve only been in relationships for less than 40 years, so you’ll have to forgive my small sample, but I don’t remember a time when my partner wasn’t lobbying for Something. Granted, never had any partner want to stick something in my butt, but other things which I had made up my mind about, felt as strongly about and found distasteful [ugh! Now you’ve got me thinking about them!]. Sometimes they gave up, sometimes I gave in. Sometimes I grew from giving in.

Anyway, this anal sex thing seems to be a hot button for a lot of women. But just because you agree doesn’t make it more significant than other disagreements.

And with the risk of appearing on a milk carton in the near future, I would also submit that relationships require being open to things that partner wants even if we don’t. I’m not advocating always giving up, or making unbearable sacrifice, but if you want to stay together, then Mutual accommodation is a must.

@gingerminx Just a question.

You said, “If my husband continually asked for something in the bed room…” Does that mean that things sexual have different rules than other parts of the relationship? If it were about money or how to raise the kids, or practice of religion, would you feel differently?

@6rant6 – When did I say I agree? I didn’t say that at all. I said that if she doesn’t want to do it, she shouldn’t do it. I also didn’t say that she should break up with him, by the way. My personal feelings about anal sex have nothing to do with my answer. The OP could have said “My boyfriend wants to kiss me on the mouth but I feel it’s weird and unnatural, I just don’t want to do it” and I’d have given her the same advice.

And really, the fact that you’ve “only been in relationships for less than 40 years” has nothing to do with my answer or yours, for that matter. @suzie271 came here looking for advice, so I’m giving it. If you disagree with my opinion and feel that she should do something that she doesn’t want to do, that’s fine.

I do believe that being open to your partner’s needs and desires is important in a relationship. But I also believe that everyone has personal boundaries that they won’t cross, and that doesn’t make them selfish.

@6rant6 , I said in the bedroom because that is what the person asking the question was referring too. Our son is 24 in a couple of weeks so already raised, and we were in agreement on how to raise him before he was even born. I am atheist, my partner is a christian, we agree to disagree and don’t discuss it. Our money has always been in a shared account and the only thing we have ever said was that any big spending was done on agreement. We pretty much had all that hashed out before we got married 26 years ago.

@6rant6 “even if the guy is a pain in the ass on this one thing” lol

@GingerMinx Kind of begs the question… did you have the anal thing all worked out then, too? (Just kidding!)

Am I interpreting you correctly then that the bedroom part isn’t about how you form your opinion? That if your husband had asked ad nauseum to buy a boat, or to move to Hawaii, or to find some new friends you would have had the same “He doesn’t respect me” kind of response?

@6rant6 Laughs, no, not really, but I have a way higher sex drive and are far more adventuresome than my husband so he doesn’t have to worry about me turning him down and I totally respect his right to say no. I married him, not his penis.

No, the difference being that buying a boat, going to Hawaii or making new friends does not violate my body. Those are things we would discuss and compromise on as best we can. It would depend on how important they were to one partner or the other and if the other partner could live with it.

@Seelix Yes, you are right, I thoughtlessly lumped you in with others’ opinions. Sorry.

I agree with you that @suzie271 has the right to say what she doesn’t like. I’m just campaigning against the idea that this particular guy is disrespectful because he’s persistent. Annoying, yes. Disrespectful… don’t we need to know more?

It’s so incredibly easy to take the side of the person making the complaint – not saying that it’s not justified – but the fact that she’s asking for help in the relationship instead of getting apartment share leads makes me thinks we don’t know everything there is to know.

That’s all I’m saying.

@GingerMinx I think you may have hit on something here. Is it possible that women see “In the bedroom” as an asterisked category of desires, while men see the totality of the relationship as one thing?

Not judging, just wondering.

You obviously have a right not to do it, but keep in mind he maybe won’t stop pestering you until his anal itch is scratched. You should strongly put your foot down, and set proper boundaries. Tell him if he needs anal sex so badly, he should go have it with someone else – and if necessary, tell him the relationship is over if he does. Or just let him scratch the itch.

I sort disagree with @JonnyCeltics’ contention that the “relationship ought to be worth more (to him) than just anal sex.” Maybe it should be, maybe it shouldn’t be. Depends on the relationship.

@6rant6 im a man. i think hes an asshole for keep bringing it up. Its one thing to talk about it, but as the asker implies they have, she decided and he keeps pushing for it. That should be a red flag in any book.

@6rant6 – This kind of thing is strongly charged for women. Women live in fear of being overpowered, forced, and/or having their ‘NO’ ignored. I don’t know what sex you are or whether you’ve ever been subject to the kind of sexual pressuring that men can put on women, how they pester and needle and sometimes break down a woman’s psyche, simply to get in her pants.

So, yes, we like it when we say ‘no’ to something, sexually, and have it be respected. Also, I would like to point out that you have made the assumption that this issue hasn’t been discussed reasonably. My interpretation of the question details led me to believe it had likely been discussed at length and that the guy in question just wouldn’t take no for an answer.

@6rant6 I couldn’t speak for others. I see my relationship as a complete partnership, it is made up of lots of areas such as sex, money, children, in-laws and all areas are treated differently depending on the situation. I would not treat my in-laws in the same way I would my sexual relationship.

@MissAnthrope That makes a lot of sense. As a man, I have been pestered by someone wanting to get into my pants little enough that it was novel and I’ve never felt threatened by force. I can see how repeated exposure to whining with implied threat of force would leave an imprint. If that is a common perception it is indeed a game changer.

I stand enlightened.

Dump the douche.

@suzie271 Okay, if you choose to remove the pain in your ass boyfriend from your life, I support you. But if you want to get him in line….I have a script for you.

“Honey, I have to tell you it really gets on my nerves when you bring that up. It seems as if it’s on your mind all the time. I’m uncomfortable thinking you’re about to try that. I can’t get relaxed worrying about it. And I really really need to feel comfortable when we have sex if I’m going to do this…”

@6rant6 Your “script” reads like a “Yes, I will have anal sex with you.”

What the script should be is, “Honey, you have asked me 8 times to have anal sex with you, and 8 times I have said no. What part of that “no” don’t you understand? Stop asking, Whiny men are annoying.”

This is a boyfriend, not a spouse. @6rant6‘s script might be appropriate with a husband, but not with a boyfriend.

What part of “no” doesn’t he understand?

Yes, just say “NO!”

Besides, it’s nothing to get excited about anyway, the few times I tried it with a partner I was not impressed.

Nature gave us the right parts to satisfy a man, if he needs more, set him free.

Stick to your guns. Tell him he’s selfish because he is saying he will only happy if you are not. That’s a personality trait to stay away from.

He doesn’t repect you and your right to say no. You should get better treatment. Or, buy a sex toy about the same size or slightly larger than his penis and ask him if you can use it on him and see what his reaction is.

You need to find someone who respects you. My boyfriend respects me fully and if I don’t want to do something sexually; he will say that’s okay and move on. Men don’t need anal sex. They may have “needs”, but anal sex is not one of them. And, if you aren’t comfortable with that, and he STILL pushes for you to do it. LEAVE. That is no way to treat someone you love.

I don’t know how long you’ve been with him. But, you can try communicating first and giving him an ultimatum deal.