How long of a period do you think there should be between the time someone's spouse dies and the time they get a new boyfriend or girlfriend?

If you want the standard social convention, it’s about a year.

I say fuck social conventions!

Well, this one, anyway.

This is a purely personal decision which naturally has a wide range of timescales.

I think it speaks well of his wife that she made him so happy to have a partner, that he wants one again. There is no time limit, but it does seem as if men are much quicker to start dating again.

One year and you won’t look so much like a horny fucker.

I think in this case its not a serious girlfriend but more of someone to occupy to your time and help him deal with his pain. Kind of like a rebound from a failed relationship.

My mother died when I was 16 she was 42 and within a couple of months my dad was seeing someone else. It didn’t last and I didn’t like that lady, but I think it was a good thing for him so he wasn’t just moping around all the time because that doesn’t do anyone any good.

Someone who knows their spouse is going to die has time to grieve before their passing. . . Which helps expedite the healing process.

On the other hand, you could meet someone who helps to ease that loss, even if it were unexpected.

There really isn’t a “proper time.” I think it simply matters what all parties feel are appropriate and comfortable.

I suppose it depends on the person and the nature of the previous relationship. If the relationship was rocky and the survivor was already looking for a way out, a new relationship can be expected to start rather quickly. Or, as @Taciturnu said, a relationship with a long tailing off period before the death of one partner may lead to a shorter period after the actual death.

But the nature of the new relationship plays a role as well. Someone might very quickly feel the need to start a new sexual relationship, especially if sex was an important element to the previous relationship. When an emotional relationship would start, however, and whether it would be with the same person as the sexual relationship is another question altogether. I suspect that would usually take longer. But again, that would depend on the person and his or her needs/values.

It was around 6 months for my Dad. I didn’t like it, but, what could I do? I wanted him to be happy.

He says that he is still in love with my Mom.

I would say around a year.

There is no set time at all. There are way too many coinciding factors here. I’d be surprised at the situation you mention as well…and I would probably make assumptions in any case where someone started dating soon after something of that sort.

But you just can’t make an assertion about an appropriate time. Particularly in the case of long illnesses, there may very well be a long goodbye period prior to the spouse actually dying. And even if there’s not, the surviving spouse may have been preparing for the inevitable internally.

I think that the surviving spouse should, however, be aware about whether it would seem too soon, and approach their friends about what’s happening appropriately about it. Updating one’s facebook status when you share mutual friends is, probably, the “Extreme Jackass!” version of going about it.

Sorry if I’m insulting your friend, just in case.

It just looks better all around to not be quite so quick. Understandably, he probably didn’t have a romantic, sexual time in the last while of his wife’s illness. When I worked on a Palliative Cancer unit, One of the husbands hooked up with one of the aides before his wife died. They are married now.

As soon as you’re ready is fair. But I think maybe it would be prudent to not flaunt your new relationship while others are still grieving. Basic decency calls for some discretion.

Whether your friend has close family or friends on FB who would know or care or be hurt is probably a judgment call he needs to make, not someone else.

I suppose it would depend upon how deeply you loved your spouse. I have thought about what I would do if, by some strange quirk of fate, my Vicky would predecease me, a very, very unpleasant line of thought. The conclusion I came to is that there would be no point in my even considering someone new. I don’t think I would be very far behind Vicky.

Obviously, this applies to few others. I personally think a year of mourning for someone would be the absolute minimum. Less would be unseemly.

If his wife had cancer for a while, he has been in mourning longer than since her death. He may have started a relationship with this new woman previous to his wifes death. I don’t mean he was cheating, but may have simply known this woman already. So spending time with her might be fairly easy, compared to meeting someone brand new.

Also, this man might not be very good at being alone, and simply will always be ina relationship. Hard to know without knowing the man.

I don’t think it necessarily reflects on how much he loved his wife.

Seems to me that a dying spouse often leads one to seek comfort from others. Sometimes the dying spouse is relieved to have their survivor find someone.

In any case, bereavement – before and after the actual death – can make one vulnerable which can be something that draws in other people.

For better or worse, I think that a replacement S/O may come into one’s life anytime in that process. And although there might be some of these relationships which dissolve when the grieving process is mostly done, I can also see how the “overlap” and in particular the sharing of grief might help to keep the departed spouse in the survivor’s life and therefore strengthen the new relationship because the survivor wants to retain that connection.

But all that really matters is that people find people when they do. And social standards really don’t mean anything more than when you can publicly share the relationship.

Well said @iamthemob. It really is inconsiderate. I’m sure some of her family members may be wondering, what the F!
It will probably take me months before I can stop crying, and then another few months before I would even notice anyone else at least. I may even stay away from relationships because I won’t want to take the chance of going through that pain again.
I remember it took me at least two years to get my head on straight after my father died. Of course I was younger then but I think its even harder the older you get, to lose someone you love.
And I knew my dad was dying for years. It didn’t prepare me for a thing. It just made the pain last longer.
Everyone is different of course. But at the very least, even if I was the kind to date quickly, I certainly wouldn’t advertise it and lead people to believe that he was so easily replaceable and that my love for him means so little.

@Pandora

You are very wise.

@Pandora There’s a wonderful play called, “I Never Sang for My Father” in which a young man tells the story of going to see Nazi death camp sites, meeting a girl, and ending up spending the night together.

In my memory, it’s about the extent to which we will go to connect – to be human – in times when our words are impotent to say what we need to say, our ears unable to hear what we need to hear.

I could see that happening with someone losing a spouse. I hope I would not judge someone for taking comfort where comfort can be found. I think I would be taken much more aback by someone who just got on with life, without needing something to help them cope.

Is it that you identify being sad with “Wanting to be alone”? For men especially, sadness often comes in the “I can’t be alone” variety.

There is no set period of time, it is up to the individual. personally, if I died and my husband found someone who made him happy that quick I am all for it.

Death of loved ones does strange things to people. If the relationship was a very loving one, then the man knows that his deceased wife would want him to be happy. People react in varying ways, and if having a relationship with someone new will help him, that’s just the way it is.

You should go through a whole year (of anniversaries) to feel that you have processed your grief fully.

I don’t think there should be a rule. We know nothing of this man’s relationship with wife – perhaps, they had a friend-like relationship…perhaps they’ve talked about this very matter as she was preparing to die and she gave her blessing, so to speak…there are too many perhaps statements that I can think of to judge…it depends on the person.

At the funeral he should have been scopin’....

@Simone_De_Beauvoir

For al practical purposes, there actually are no rules, or perhaps I should say that the “rules” are the ones we make up ourselves on the spur of the moment.

@Ltryptophan That is so inappropriate and out of keeping with the tenor of this thread.

but I did laugh

Grieving has no time limit. Especially if you deeply loved the person because ’‘special’’ individuals are not easily replaced. I would say to wait at least a year or longer depending on the circumstances because our emotions are numb and fragile and would not be fair and reasonable for a new partner to enter your life while you are thinking of your ex love.

My husband passed away nov 2009. I have not started dating. I maybe have had a few thoughts about it but to be honest our relationship was awesome, and I won’t except anyone else unless it’s an improvement and in my eyes that’s going to be hard. But I feel that it is personal preference really.

My dad died 35 years ago. My mom never dated.

I walked around like a zombie for about a year, then found someone else within a few months. It totally depends on the situation.

@chyna

Wow! Now that, to me, sounds like devotion!

@Meego I’m sorry for your recent loss.

I don’t think there is a time limit, but one should be careful about ‘flaunting’ it in the face of others’ grief.

@augustlan I am sorry too. Thank you for your condolences.

Generally I am happy for someone who finds a new partner they are happy with. A friend of mine, not very close friend, but still friend, lost his wife to cancer. She had been sick for several years, and her final 6 months were very difficult. If he had met someone or started dating someone from their circle within a few months of her death I would have not thought it disrespectful. He had been an amazing husband until the very end. He was trully incredible with his obvious love for her, and his desire to make her final time here as happy and meaningful as possible. When she died, I wanted him to find comfort, find happiness, not be lonely. He still has not begun to date, it has been about 2 years now, but sometimes I wish he found someone he enjoyed spending time with.

I think if the person has young children, then it is more important to not openly date right away. I think that is the only relative I would really worry about.

If my husband died, God forbid, I would be inconsolable for months. I cannot imagine even thinking about spending time with another man. If I died I would haunt my husband, to scare off any women.

@JLeslie I think what you say makes sense, it’s hard to watch others suffer my BFF stayed away from me but tried to tell me I needed to move on. She really hurt me actually. My husband was a very good friend to her as well. She grieves in a very different way, her style of support is to leave and come back when your better, which I think is why she urges me to get better so I can be who I was before. At any rate, my husband always wanted me to be happy, I know that. I’m just not ready and he would understand that too. I just couldn’t see how I would be serving my loved ones memory if I needed to be with someone else to get through it. I also probably would not be that great mentally. Maybe I’m just really faithful and devoted. But finding a true solemate most are lucky if it happens once.

@Meego I completely understand your point of view. Grieving for me has always been emotions right out there. I cry, I lean on friends, I don’t disappear or hide, and I don’t try to replace a person with another one.

I never urge the friend I mentioned above to date. But, I do want him to know it is ok with us if he started dating. I did once invite him out to dinner where he would have completed a foursome with a girlfriend of mine who was visiting, but it was not a set-up, she is from out of state, just I think he would have enjoyed her company. He declined. I don’t feel like he isn’t moving forward, I feel like he is still grieving.

My experience is most people take at least 6 months to be able to wake up in the morning and not be completely freaked out from their loss. And, usually around 6 month more where they can start living a new normal. And, two years to really feel free of the worst of it, but of course never forgetting the person. But, it varies for everyone.

@6rant6 I’m not saying that I don’t understand his need for comfort. Everyone is different. But I find that his posting of his new relationship on facebook a bit callous for those who may still be reeling from losing her. Certainly many may feel she was irreplacable to them and may find it disrespectful to her memory. They may feel his feelings for her was a farce. She may have left parents, children or siblings behind that may not begrudge him being happy again but at the same time think that he dismissed her so quickly. Even if that is not the case. Some may even wonder if he was having an affair prior to her death. It may even be that he can’t function without being in a relationship and he’s even using this woman to get over his grief, but I don’t see why he had to post it in facebook. He could’ve tried to be discreet about it. If his new girlfriend didn’t understand than he certainly chose poorly.
I would’ve freaked if my mom started dating 2 months after my dad passed away. I’ve never met anyone who could compare to his huge heart and my mother felt the same way. It has been 32 years and she never dated another soul. She said my dad was the only person who could ever understand and love her the way he did. No other man could ever compare.
Which if you knew my mom is true. We never understood how was it they worked so well together but he really understood her like no one else ever could and his love was limitless.
If I were to pass away before my husband (which I hope I do), I know he would have a hard time being alone. However out of respect for our children and some of my siblings, I would hope he would at the very least keep it quiet till people had time to come to terms with my death. A relationship may help him but it will not help them.
We’ve had that conversation and I told him to find someone if he could. He gets very cross with me. He will ask me, where on earth will I find someone like you? Besides I plan to go first.
I don’t associate sad with having to be alone, but I know when my dad died it left a huge hole. I found I was walking around and smiling and laughing and dating, but inside I felt like a huge chunck of who I was, was gone. I never thought time would erase that. I dated and broke up with guys a lot because there were times I didn’t want to laugh or be happy. I just wanted to morn and I needed to morn. Dating was just a way of putting it off. I was looking for comfort but instead I found I could not be comforted until I let it all out and then put myself back together again. No other person could do that for me. It wasn’t fair to the guys I dated or to myself to expect a relationship to fix me. Its like putting a band aide on a broken leg. The leg won’t heal proper until you fix it the right way and a band aide won’t work.

@Pandora

I’m not saying that I don’t understand his need for comfort. Everyone is different. But I find that his posting of his new relationship on facebook a bit callous for those who may still be reeling from losing her.

Just also take into account, even though I do agree that the facebook post was the wrong choice personally (I would feel the same as you), the difficulty of saying something like that to someone. The process of notifying everyone that your spouse has died who needs to know is a responsibility that is often placed on the surviving spouse that I find to be fairly callous as well.

A spouse having recently going through that would likely (I know I would) be reticent to go through that whole thing again – particularly when it’s news like that in the OP. Again, I think that facebook was the wrong solution, but the solution to these issues can sometimes seem insurmountable emotionally.

If this lady died under suspicious circumstances this guy would be under the radar big time. It just looks suspicious, but at the same time it doesn’t mean everyone is guilty. Some peoples coping capabilities are totally different, I mean it has to have something to do with monogamy and the feelings about it. Nobody knows what the relationship was truly like because alot of relationships portray different on the outside maybe he can be who he wants now. Who knows but I couldn’t do it that way.

When my mother died, my dad started seeing someone eight months later. It DID hurt me, but I actually thought that it was a compliment to my mother that my dad couldn’t be alone. In fact, they have done studies (of course!) that show that for men that have come from a loving marriage the time between their wife’s death and a new relationship is relatively short and that it is based on the security of having someone’s love and respect in your life. For woman, the time is usually much longer. I think that the difference is caused by men feeling lost and alone and possibly not knowing how to proceed alone in life.

@GracieT Watching some fictional program on TV recently, one of the characters commented, “The thing a man fears most is being alone.”

“Damn straight!” I thought.

I was thinking about this some more, today. One thing I hadn’t thought of before is how starting a relationship soon after the death of a spouse is the effect it would have on the new SO. Somehow, it seems unfair to that person, to me. Kind of like being the ‘rebound girl/guy’, in that the widow/er probably won’t be all there for the new person. How likely is that to last? After my grandmother died, my grandfather started dating very early on and quickly married a horrible woman. They were divorced pretty quickly, too.

FYI @ all: I looked recently and saw he deleted that FB post.

she had cancer for a long time and they were high school sweethearts so this man has probably literally never been alone in his adult life. I feel for the adopted son. He was neglected as a child, put into foster care system and then adopted by this couple (the one I’m talking about with the now-dead mom) when he was about 8. He has experienced a lot of loss for a child – neglect and loss of his parents, and now loss of the mom who really took care of him. The adoptive father probably was in a situation where he has to work and now has child care issues to deal with, which his wife probably took care of since she was home all the time with her illness. I think maybe his deleting his post might have been from people telling him WTF! (just a guess).

@Meego : she died of breast cancer so it was not suspicious circumstances.

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be afterall?
@jca it’s a good thing it was not a suspicious death because it could easily look that way, that’s all I meant.

I have been through this situation personally. I was that other women. He was my co worker and she was diagnosed with stage iv breast cancer and given 3 years to live. I am a cancer survivor and we found ourselves sharing our experiences. I could relate to all of the things they as a couple were going through. Their children knew me and I would see her at work functions and other events. We all become very close and about 2½ years after her diagnosis she was doing great. I was still only the confidant to him at that time as well as with her only I would see him everyday at work. He would tell me of changes and the new treatments and so forth. He really did become my best friend. Their children knew and liked me. When the treatments were no longer working she invited me over and we had lunch. She proceeded to tell me that she knew he could and would love me because he looked at me like he looked at her everyday of their marriage. We had no physical affair but looking back at it now had grown so close with conversation and my ability to empathise and sympathise with their situation and an emotional attachment grew. She basically was asking me to love her husband once she was gone. He is a wonderful man and was faithful to her till the end. She actually asked him to try to date me before she died so that he would not “lose me”. She told him that i would make an excellent mother to their children and a wonderful wife to him. We have been together for 5 years now and married for 4½. We lost friends that made assumptions as well, but if they could not believe that he was the honest and faithful man that he is we didn’t need them in our lives anyhow.She lived 3 years longer then the doctors had expected. I was there through it all as a friend. She told her sister and mother that she knew that we loved each other before she died…And that was before even we knew ourselves…

@cometsflame wow what a brave lady she was, to be able to accept that and really be ok that life must go on without her. I think a “to each is own” is in order here. On my side when my husband was sick we did go through the “what ifs”. He always stated he wanted me happy. Even if he had of gave me the ok to be with someone, I couldn’t do it him and I were very connected a connection I still feel almost 1½yrs later. I am having a hard time moving on as it is. And I guess knowing that he wanted me to be happy, I really don’t feel like I’m living up to par, but I also know he knows who I am and knows I take my time when dealing with painful feelings, so he knows I will get there in my own time. If the tables were turned I know my husband would feel the same as me. He always said if anything ever happened to me that he wouldnt be able to be with anyone else, I believe that, as I was my husbands first and last. Both of us being the type of people that had issues with change and would rather it stay the same, so that I think plays a big role. I feel like I got mad at people who told me life will go on. It’s like telling someone with agoraphobia that after your home has been hit by a tornado it will be easier to go outside because you will have no other choice. Just my thoughts, I feel almost like I have agoraphobia. Other people don’t have such tough times with moving forward.