Am I selfish for not wanting kids because?

You are not selfish.

I would say this is about as far from selfish as it gets.
Having children is a very personal decision, not having children is, as well. Do you have a s/o that feels differently, that is perhaps making you second guess your decision not to?

@TheOnlyNeffie I’m single right now but I am sure that when I do find someone they will want kids.. it’s a natural thing for women to want to have kids… and I know there are some who can’t. but thats slim… and I don’t think I would be able to say No

@mrlaconic I mean, not all women want children. It isn’t that cut and dry. Even women who are capable of conceiving don’t necessarily want children. It isn’t a given.

It’s not at all selfish to not-want something that most people would perceive as a good thing. That is, most people do want children (usually for selfish reasons, which doesn’t make the desire a bad thing, either), so for you to not-want children can hardly be perceived as ‘selfishness’.

But I do want to correct your misreading of what you imply by “if statistics are right”. The fact that neither your nor your brothers have autisitic tendencies does not mean that someone else is bound to. If we assume that autism is a genetically inherited trait (which I don’t think is necessarily true, but just to assume for now that it is), then probability would dictate the chances of the trait being passed on if you and a mate combine the recessive genes to pass it on to your offspring. And the fact that you and your brothers don’t have autism doesn’t mean that someone else necessarily will. Probability is a new roll of the dice for every outcome, and previous rolls of the dice don’t affect the current roll.

Aside from that, a little bit of selfishness – even a lot of it – isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I think John F. Kennedy once said something to the effect that when you have children, you become a hostage to fate. Profoundly true.

@mrlaconic No it’s not selfish. My s/o and I chose not to because we weren’t sure we’d be good enough as parents. To choose for health reasons is understandable.

@CyanoticWasp G/A and I understand that it’s a roll of the dice each time.. I am just not one for surprises.. if I were going to roll the dice they would need to be fixed so they land the way I want them to… but I know thats not realistic (yet).

I agree with @TheOnlyNeffie. If your concern is over what the child’s life would be like having to suffer through the disease, you are not basing this on your own self interest at all. You’re basing it on the health of your potential child. That’s taking yourself out of the equation, nominally – it’s selfless.

However, you’re thinking about only the end tragedy of it all – the possibility that it could happen as definitely happening, and that the pain involved in the disorder being enough to outweigh all of the joy involved in life before that.

My grandmother descended into a wretched form of dementia, functionally indistinguishible from autism. She also, before that point, was a Broadway folllies girl, a Vogue model during the flapper era, married to two great men, the mother of my father, and a wonderful grandmother to my brother and I. She learned to paint in her seventies, and worked into her eighties just to stay active. She was, in many ways, the model of the kind of person I want to be like.

Losing an infant like that is a tragedy. Knowing that you have a genetic disorder that could be passed on is scary. But letting fear of the unknown stop you from having children – well, I just will say that I don’t think my grandmother ever blamed her parents for having her in the first place…and in the end doubt she would have thought, just because the end was bad, it would have been better to never live at all.

I’d say this is a pretty important thing for a serious gf of yours to know about and talk about. I’d suggest adoption – there are plenty of perfectly healthy kids out there that just need a good home.

I think that while you are single you should keep your options open.

You may one day meet a partner that you really want to have children with.

There will always be those that call you selfish for not wanting or wanting children. You need to make the best decision for yourself, not for what others might think. In all fairness, you should work this out with a partner before you two become fully invested. I was called “selfish” by many for choosing to have a child on my own, my sister has been called selfish for not having children. Ignore the nay-sayers, do what you think is best, but weigh the odds.

@ChocolateReigns I would totally be down for Adoption.

@iamthemob I don’t think the child would blame me, but I don’t think I would be able to live with myself. I mean it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal because every day you hear about someone sick or dying and you just become numb to it.. but that story about the little girl really hit me and I don’t know how I would handle it if I were in that position and not knowing is a big thing for me

Having children is a choice not a requirement. Selfishness doesn’t come into it at all.

@mrlaconic – you’re not going to know anything. Your kid could drown. It could get hit by a car. It might be raped. It might be a rapist.

Factoring in only the bad unknowns and not considering the good ones isn’t a way to make a decision. You’re not being selfish – it just sounds like you’re being afraid when it’s not necessary. Shit happens. So does amazing.

@iamthemob you are right I’m afraid but I don’t know what to do about it other then that I do best which is control what I can in hopes of preventing _______________

@iamthemob I’ve never heard someone sum up life in fewer words than your last two sentences. Nice.

Shit happens. So does amazing. I like it!

I don’t think you are being selfish, quite the contrary. I think it is admirable you are thinking about any potential problems.
If, and/or when you meet someone if you haven’t already then you should, of course, discuss this with them.
Perhaps adoption would be better for you.

Far from selfish. Actually you are acting in an informed fashion and making important decisions that affect your life. Applause Applause.
Just remember to think about what you may be missing based on a fear.

@mrlaconic I personally think it is admirable that you are thoughtful about having a child. I’ve seen too many people in my life have children without any regard to what it means to be a parent.

I’m not disagreeing with what others have said, but I’d like to add something else to the discussion for you to consider. You may meet a woman who already has a child or children. You may decide to adopt. Look into the adoption options in your state just for information and education. It isn’t always as easy as people make it sound.

Anyway, with all that said, nothing is every guaranteed. There are so many things that happen in life you didn’t think would ever happen. Say, for instance, God forbid, but just say, you meet someone with chidlren or you meet someone and adopt a child. Your life is perfect and it is like a fairytale…until the child gets sick and there isn’t anything doctors can do to help.

editted.lousy answer.

I don’t see you as being selfish at all. Lots of people decide not to have kids for reasons that could be considered much more selfish (e.g. to have more money, to be able to travel, etc.). Worrying about potential genetic issues is not selfish.

That being said, you might change your mind at some point. You might end up with someone someday with whom you want to have kids. That’d be the time to seriously think about things – how likely it would be for your child to be autistic, for example. And like someone else mentioned above, you could always adopt if you decide one day that you’d like to be a parent. There are tons of kids all over the world who don’t get the care they need to survive.

I would suggest that you don’t “get snipped” just because you don’t want to become a parent right now. I know the procedure can be reversed, but I don’t imagine it’s pleasant. Just be careful in your sexual encounters – use condoms and pull out. It’s pretty unlikely that you’d have an “accident” that way, especially if you make sure your female partners are on the pill.

Selfishness is thinking and caring only about your own needs and desires. You’re absolutely not being selfish to worry about the possibility of having children with poor health. And please—PLEASE!—don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise.

Not wanting another human being to be ill is certainly not selfish. I don’t want children for what could be considered selfish (there is no specific reason, I just don’t want children) but it sounds to me like you do want them, you’re just worried about potential health problems. As others have said, don’t rule it out completely (sounds like you’d make a lovely parent) and get proffessional advice if you do consider having children, I’m sure a doctor could inform you about the chances of your offspring being affected by any hereditory conditions.

Adoption is an option, and a good one if you want to raise children, but not produce any.

Thanks everyone for their answers, I want to be clear that it’s not that I don’t want kids.. I do. I just don’t think I wan’t to take a chance and have my own. Adoption is a good idea and if when I meet someone they already have a kid thats cool to.

Not a big deal about why you don’t want to have children, unless you did not like children. IMHO anyone who dislikes children has deep seated emotional problems, and THAT would concern me.

You don’t have to have kids, obviously. Your reasons can be selfish or unselfish and they’re all valid, because you have to want to be a parent.