How should my best friend react to a possible threat from her ex boyfriend?

Does L have a gun or access to a gun? If so, take the threat seriously. If no, tell him to go fuck himself.

@everephebe I really don’t know if he does. My guess would be no, but I don’t want to rely on a guess for this… :\

Yeah I understand. But telling on him might make him desperate, and desperation leads to dark scary places. It sounds like he’s full of it. She should sit him down, with company and confront him about it. Tell him to grow up. Have an adult conversation with him, if he threatens her in person, even once, alert campus security. Next alert the cops.

P.S. It’s good she has friends like you looking out for her.

I would recommend that your friend tell campus security everything. And if they want to alert the police, let them. At the university where I teach/study, a girl was murdered by her ex-boyfriend whose threats no one took seriously. These sorts of behavior do not warrant an understanding approach.

Police, restraining orders – for whatever good that they’ll do – come to mind, as do chemical and electrical deterrents.
I would recommend a gun and a class for it, too, were she not on a college campus – schools never have taken very kindly to that sort of thing.

Actually, @Nullo raises a good point. The gun is out as far as campus is concerned, but some mace and a self-defense class are not at all out of order.

Whether he has a gun or is known for empty threats, any kind of violent threats should be taken seriously. I agree with @SavoirFaire for Self-defense class. Call the police, they will restrain him and get him help. Tell them about how he has suicidal thoughts, and how he makes A fear for her life. They will get him help. You as a friend must talk her into getting help for herself.

If he’s telling a third party that it would be easier to shoot her, she needs a restraining order, and she needs to notify campus security. If she has any sort of relationship with L’s parents while she was dating L, she needs to have S notify them. She should get off of all social media sites, so that L cannot use her friends or their mutal friends to know what’s she’s up to. He may have been drunk when he said that, or his intent may have been to make her life a living hell.

The reality is that in the US, if he has several hundred dollars, he has access to a hand gun.

She needs to make sure she’s never alone with him. And she needs to inform at least one person she trusts whenever she’s going to be completely alone for any significant amount of time. After she tells campus security, she needs to file a report with the police. If anything ever happens to her, they’ll look back to the report and see they have somewhere to start.

I had a stalker, and this is not something that she should be taking lightly. He’s obsessive and mentally unstable – which means he could be completely harmless, or not at all harmless if he snaps.

Besides telling the campus security, I would tell A to talk to her parents and A’s parents should contact L’s parents. A should get as many people involved as possible, quickly.

I am concerned that the breakup was a year ago, and he is still fixated on her.

She should take this very seriously.

I agree with notifying his family (perhaps they can get him into treatment) and with getting a restraining order.

I also agree with getting off of all social networking sites.

I think she should live with someone else while at school so she is never alone. Walk with someone else to classes.

I also agree with taking self defense classes and getting mace.

If she has reason to believe that he is escalating, she should consider taking on a new identity and moving away.

She should definitely try to get a restraining order, but I don’t know that she’ll get one. You usually have to prove that without one, you’re in imminent physical danger, and I don’t know that what you said would really prove that.

@SavoirFaire Eek, thanks for sharing your experience. She is planning on showing the text messages to campus security (S forwarded them to her, and saved them on her own phone) and I’m sure she’ll let them do whatever they see fit. I’ll also suggest to her that she start carrying mace and take self-defense. Those are really good ideas.

To all who suggested a restraining order or talking to L’s parents: A has considered both but doesn’t think either is a good idea. Her concern about a restraining order is that getting one will piss him off a lot and doesn’t really, physically prevent him from showing up. Sure, he could get punished after the fact, but he could do a lot of damage beforehand. As for his parents, she used to contact them when he was having suicidal thoughts and she was concerned for his life. The problem is that they never took any action whatsoever when she contacted them, and all it accomplished was making him, again, extremely pissed. Is her logic here good, or do you still think she should try these things?

@marinelife Sorry if my wording was odd; the breakup was a month ago – they dated for about a year.

I should mention that her college is six hours away from his.

Restraining orders are good for one thing. Getting action if someone does show up. If you don’t have one and someone has been threatening you and they show up, there’s little the police can do. But if you do have one, they can do something about it. I know this from personal experience.

Its better to go ahead and get one so that you have the ability to call the police and have them actually do something before something bad happens than call, have them come and not be able to do anything, and to be left with much the same situation as there was before you called them or possibly worse. Letting the police be able to do something about the problem when they’re called is where their value is. She should absolutely have one.

While getting one, or the process of attempting to get one, might piss him off, he might just see where his behavior is unacceptable and inexcusable and can potentially fuck up his life if he continues. If its just him being dramatic, it’ll stop. If it isn’t, she can have the police on call, so to speak. She shouldn’t be scared to protect herself from him just because she thinks it might make him more pissed off, she should be taking the steps she needs to take to protect herself. This includes a restraining order ASAP.

I agree with everyone else. I just wanted to add that she should tell campus security and the police (both). I don’t know what school she goes to, but some school’s try to handle things on their own instead of involving the police and I personally would want both involved (especially since you said he goes to a different school).

I agree that an RO might eventually be a good idea, but unless L has recently harassed A, then she might not have sufficient grounds for getting an RO at this time.
However, it wouldn’t hurt to get the papers and fill out what she can for now anyway.

I think it would be a good idea to do as others have advised, and suggest that A maximize her self-defense skills and equipment in the meantime.

@Mariah I’m glad that your friend is planning to go to campus security. I understand why she doesn’t want to get a restraining order at this time, but @klutzaroo makes an excellent point. The order makes it a crime for L just to show up, meaning the police have justification to act sooner than they would in its absence. You might suggest that A discuss the matter with security and/or the police, then.

As for a self-defense class, you can find a women’s self-defense course in almost any college town. It might be offered through the school, a local women’s center, or even a gym. Sometimes these are one-night courses, sometimes they last six weeks, and sometimes they are ongoing. A short course might be best for A’s immediate purposes. But if she’s really interested, she could follow up with an ongoing course (or by learning an actual martial art). Just think of it as replacing some workout time!

And finally, good luck to you and your friend.

@Brian1946 @Mariah

Perhaps A can find out if she has sufficient grounds for an RO by giving the details to the police, city attorney, or district attorney.

She might consider getting one of these (or maybe this). Still no guarantee that the campus will allow it, but dang if it wouldn’t bring peace of mind.

@Mariah I would still tell his parents. It’s possible that when they did nothing before, it’s because one he’s 18, there’s not a whole lot they can do other than talk to him and offer to pay for therapy. But if she’s really worried for her life, then this shouldn’t be the one time she doesn’t tell them. And she should check out tasers as @Nullo suggested. Although, the first one looks really impractical for anytime she isn’t in her home. And it’s possible that the campus may actually waive the no-weapons policy for a taser when they know she’s in danger.

@papayalily They make slings for Mossbergs, ya know. :D

My own alma mater was persnickety about firearms and longer-than-a-pocketknife blades, but they would probably have no trouble with Thomas A. Swift’s Electric Rifle. She was not in a good area, see. Tasers are, fittingly, not classified as firearms.

@Nullo Many universities do not want students carrying things that look too much like real firearms lest they incite a panic, so that first taser might be out. My school allows tasers, but would almost certainly not allow that one. The last one isn’t close enough to violate the policy, though. If the friend wants a taser, it would probably be best for her to ask campus security for some guidance regarding which models are acceptable.

@Nullo It’s not a firearm, but the policy is usually for weapons, which is defined as something that’s intent is to cause others bodily harm.

If your life is threatened, rules are pretty irrellevent. Handguns are small, and nobody needs to know about it. Same with other weapons. If something does go down, better to get kicked out of school than be dead.

If she goes with a gun, make sure she also does all those other things, especially self defense classes. Definitely make sure she knows how to use it properly.

Update: she talked to campus police today. They took all her contact info, S’s contact info, and a picture of L. They strongly encouraged that she, her new boyfriend, and her family all get restraining orders against L, which she’s going to see about tomorrow. They’re also considering posting L’s picture around campus.

Thanks so much for all your advice, everybody. Lurve all around.

@Mariah Wonderful. Do keep us updated!

@Mariah Glad to hear it!