Why do you ask someone if their name is short for something else?

People are nosy. Or just making conversation, since the name might sound like a nickname.

I like to know people’s whole first names, so if someone is a Jen, Christy, or Barb I am going to ask if it’s short for something. Why do I want to know? I can’t really say. I usually like to use someone’s long name.

@psychocandy Why do you like to use someone’s long name?

If there’s a few ways a name can go, I’ll ask. Or if it’s unusual. The roots of a short name are usually easy to guess. When people don’t know, I think curiosity takes over. And I don’t think there’s anything really wrong with it. I mean, it’s not asking when you lost your virginity. It’s just your name. What’s the big deal?

I’m not really sure. I know a guy everyone calls Dave, but I call him David, and I know a Jeff that I call Jeffrey. No one ever seems to mind their long name being used. Maybe it’s because it’s different. <shrug>

Just to know. Make conversation.

Sometimes I think people think it may be a weird or funny name that’s it’s short for like if your name is Mo short for Mo Money or something or it could just be Mo and that’s it. People are curious but curiosty can kill, cats mostly but it’s still harmful lol

@papayalily Do you dislike answering the question? What do you think their motive is?

@JLeslie I hate my given name. If I wanted you to call me it, I’d have introduced myself with it. However, I introduced myself with the name I wish to be referred to as, so it often seems insulting and disrespectful. But I was hoping to get some other viewpoints before writing the behavior off.

I think it’s harmless and innocent enough. To me it’s expressing interest in you by way of expressing interest in your name; it’s a conversation starter. Also I think we’re simply hard-wired to look for patterns, even if we’re not doing it consciously. (We’re doing scientific research all the time: Is Barb always short for Barbara? Is Mo short for Morris or Maurice or Elmo or Mortimer? or maybe this time it’s short for Edward or Sebastian? or Maureen?) So I wouldn’t take it amiss.

I don’t use my given name either, and I often have to explain that when people ask about the source of my unusual name, but it’s very simple—”<Name> is my legal name, but I don’t use it”—and then we move on.

@papayalily Makes sense. Is your name short for your given name? Or, totally different?

This is similar in my mind to foreigners I know who hate to be asked where they are from. Americans commonly ask that question, with no bad intention, but with interest. But, I find some foreigners think we ask, because we have a negative stereotype about them, or just being incredibly intrusive or nosey (nosy?).

@Jeruba I thought it might be the conversation starter thing. It really feels disrespectful to me when people ask it, but it happens often enough with people who aren’t otherwise jerks that I’m hesitant to simply say they’re all jerks.

@JLeslie It’s short for my given name. I know many non-white non-foreigners can’t stand it because a) it assumes that because of the color of their skin, they aren’t American (despite any accent) and b) people then tend to here “I’m from New Jersey” and say “No, where are you really from??” meaning “why do you have this melanin in your skin?”

@papayalily I know, but the thing is many of us ask everyone; white, black, Asian, accent, no accent. All my closest friends in college are Polish-Americans, except for one that is Italian/Irish. Two of my closest girlfriends where I used to live are second generation American, and they are each half Hungarian, which is a bazaar coincidence. All of these people are your average white Americans, but I know their backgrounds. The country is a melting pot, most of us came from somewhere else. You tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine. Although, I do admit, here in the south people talk about it much less. In the Northeast we all knew each others backgrounds.

Funny, this guy at my gym was wearing an Arizona T-shirt, and I was thinking of planning a trip there. When I saw him in the shirt I asked if he was from Arizona, and he said, “no I am from the Philoppines.” Haha. I could have guessed that, but it was not what I was thinking, and he has no accent, so I had assumed he might have been born here.

But, back to your name. Do you want to legally change it? Typically first name change is simple paperwork.

I have an uncle who goes by “Skip.” People often ask him if it’s a nickname because they want to know whether or not it is the “official” name on his birth certificate (it’s not). The question, then, might just be a matter of curiosity—of wanting to know if someone’s parents did something unusual.

@SavoirFaire See, that one I actually get – it’s different than “No, I’m not a fan of that name, by what else can I call you?”

People ask me what my last name is all of the time. When I answer they don’t understand the answer, and I have to go into an explanation. I think they are just curious. My last name is very obviously Sephardic. Jews usually ask, rather tell me point blank, “oh, you’re Sephardic,” which I am not, because it is my husband’s name. Other people sometimes think it is middle eastern, maybe they are assuming Arab, but I don’t worry about why. I guess unless they seemed to be neo-Nazis or something. The thing is, those people who do have accents or dark skin, we already know they are from somewhere else, before they answer, so it is usually innocent curiosity, and we are kind of taught to show interest in others. Prejudiced people don’t probably even need an answer to be hateful.

@papayalily Are you sure that’s why people are asking, though? If you answer them, do they start calling you by your full name? If so, maybe they just want to be formal. It might be that they think they are being more respectful that way.

Perhaps you could say “my full name is ______, but I strongly prefer ___.” Or, to make things more clear cut, you could say “yes, but I prefer ___” when someone asks you the question (thus never saying your full name and never giving them the option of using it).

@SavoirFaire I doubt that is it.

@JLeslie Maybe not. When people ask my full name and use it, though, it is usually in formal settings.

@SavoirFaire About half the time, yes, then they call me by my full name. About half of those then continue to do it even when I say I prefer to be called by my shortened name. Now I usually just lie and say that it isn’t short for anything.

@SavoirFaire That brings up a sticking point I have in the south. I think people should be called what they themselves prefer to be called. But, in the south they seem to call you what they think is respectful.

@papayalily I was going to suggest lying.

@JLeslie Yeah, lying in small talk is the best. If it’s asked by a potential employer or something, I’ll say “It’s only short if you’re the government”, but everyone else just has to deal.

@papayalily Well, that’ll do it! If you don’t want to lie, though, you can use my second option. Personally, I always use whatever name people say they like. I went at least a year not knowing a friend’s name because he preferred a completely made up one and I never bothered to ask what his real name was.

@JLeslie Living in the South for the past several years was the inspiration for that comment of mine, actually. I always get called by my full name here by everyone but those with whom I work closely (except for my students, who are too nervous to call me anything than what I tell them to call me).

@SavoirFaire I used to say “But I prefer _” but then I had one professor whose response was “But your real name is so much better!”. He then proceeded to say the same to all 6 other students in the class whose names were shortened, and refused to call us by the names we referred to ourselves with, even when each student asked him to stop once, and two of us multiple times. This was also the professor who taught us to think outside a small box but inside a big box, if you were on @wundayatta’s “thinking outside the box” thread.

@SavoirFaire I find it rude, but when in Rome…

@JLeslie Watch some bloodsports, I know, I know…

@papayalily Unfortunately, professors will always have your full name. But for people who don’t, I expect that saying only “yes it is short for something, but I prefer ___” and not saying what your name is short for would work.

And yes, I remember that thread. That was the best anecdote of the entire discussion.

@JLeslie I’m lucky in that one parent always calls me by my full name, and the other always calls me by a nickname. So I’ve been used to it all my life. I had a coworker who hated it, though. Someday she’s going to write her preferred name on the wall with an offender’s blood.

@SavoirFaire The strange thing is, he got amazing reviews on ratemyprofessors.com…

@papayalily Was he an easy grader? That will usually do it even if other factors are missing.

(Though I’d like to clarify that I have no problem with the site and find my colleagues who feel the need to “strike back” rather immature. It’s a great resource, even if occasionally fallible.)

@SavoirFaire My complaint in the south is the use of Miss Firstname. I don’t care at all if people shorten my first name or not. Whatever they prefer is fine with me. If it is a very formal setting then I expect Ms. Lastname, but that is almost never.

@SavoirFaire No, but he was “fun” and “made it interesting” and “made me think” and “hot” (which, no, not really… not any more than all the other middle aged men…).

Although, one of the typical nicknames for my name, I might not realize they are talking to me, because only 6 or 7 people in the world address me that way. But, it doesn’t bother me if someone uses it. My mom doesn’t like when people shorten their names. But, she would always use whatever the person prefers.

@JLeslie Yeah, I can see how the “Miss Firstname” thing might get annoying. Being a male, I almost never get that. The odd thing is, that’s the only time you can get away with calling a woman “miss” in the South. Otherwise, you have to go with “ma’am” if you want anyone to pay attention to you. So it works both ways: all those times I thought I was being polite by using “miss” to imply youth (a common courtesy where I am from), I was being the offensive one. Only took a few weeks to learn, though!

@papayalily Sometimes I look myself up on that site, and I never know if I want to see a chili pepper or not. I have colleagues who live and die by it, though.

@SavoirFaire Ok, wait. I had not noticed it is not done with men. I have to watch for that. What do they use? Mr. Lastname?

Curiosity.

@JLeslie I usually just get “Firstname” from people who know me, and “Mr. Lastname” from students (until I tell them not to) and people who call or e-mail me without knowing me. The only two people who have called me “Mr. Firstname” while I’ve lived here are basically stereotypes who address everyone that way no matter what.

(Dear Mr. Jesus…)

@SavoirFaire Well, as far as I know, it only takes one student rater with a Gollum fetish to give even the most hideous of teachers a chili pepper. So keep fucking that chicken.

@papayalily Yeah, but I don’t know if I want one. I don’t want to have to keep reminding students that “my eyes are up here!”

@SavoirFaire Lol, hey, at least they’d be paying attention to some part of you.

Questions like this always make me wonder what’s left out there to start conversations without offending someone…

Let’s say one day I’m introduced to @papayalily, we shake hands or whatever the situation calls for and then there’s that lull, what’s next?

I have two pieces of information about you, what you look like, and your name, which would you prefer I ask about?

I guarantee talking about someone’s appearance, especially right away is a good way to either offend or make someone uncomfortable. Even a simple, harmless, and complimentary “I like your shoes” or “nice t-shirt” will be over-analyzed and taken to mean far more than intended by someone out there.

So I’d ask about your name, trying to open up conversation and fill that void, with good intentions.

And you’d be offended. Is it my fault for asking? What’s left?

Not picking on you in particular, just offering another perspective.

Perhaps it’s simply as benign as their wanting to know you better.

@funkdaddy Which is why I asked the question – I’m trying to not be offended.

@papayalily – my real name (Teddi) seems like it could be a nickname. It’s not, it’s just the name that my parents liked. Growing up, people would either say, “But that’s a boy’s name!” or “Is that your real name?” or “Is that short for Theodora?” I think that the offensive feeling comes from frustration. Over time we have had to answer the question so many times that it gets very, very old. That’s my take on it. It really took until I was working as a trainer and had to introduce myself many times that I got over it and understood that no one was trying to frustrate me, just that they were curious. Remember, they’ve never met you, so they’re interested in you.

@tedibear That is part of it. I mean, if I didn’t hate my given name, it wouldn’t be such a thing – and I do realize they don’t have a whole lot of other info to work with. It’s just hard to fight the knee-jerk reaction sometimes.
So then how did Teddi become Tedi(bear)? Why not Teddibear?

I really don’t think it’s an intrusive question – just a curious one. I don’t go by a shortened form of my name, and if anyone ever tries to shorten it, I don’t hesitate to tell them that I really dislike the short form.

If the question really bothers you, you can always just lie and say it’s not short for anything. I can understand why it bothers you to be asked (it must get annoying), but I really don’t think that’s the intent.

Just to clarify (because I feel like I might be coming off as a crazy uptight person):
I really wouldn’t be offended – or rather, my gut is offended, but I know intellectually that it probably isn’t malicious (and the thread has definitely helped me be sure of that, so good job people) so I make a point to not use it against them in judging them. So you can still ask, because I do put work into fighting the knee-jerk reaction.

@papayalily – When I initially got on the internet, I wanted Teddibear as my email address, but it was taken on the email provider that I used. I messed with variations until I got tedibear.

I’m a parent, the name I picked for my girl I thought was beautiful at the time, most parents do, unless they are forced to name their child something they would rather not. In any case, isnt there other things to worry about than a first name? If you hate so bad, get the money and change it. My dad had this great saying: you can call me anything, just don’t call me late for dinner. And my dads name was Pieter. It’s not the end of the world. And then my mother went on to give all us children names that technically can be shortened and refused to call us by the short name, then my sister goes and does the same to her son and refuses to call him by the short name. I chose a name that has no short form for my kid, in a sense, like it or lump it attitude.

My grandma changed her first name.

Try NOT to be offended. I have a really weird last name. There are only a few of us in the U.S. with this last name so most people are not used to hearing it. It’s pronounced exactly how it’s spelled, but almost no one pronounces it correctly if they see it spelled or even if they hear me say it (several times, and spell it repeatedly). The same goes for my street name.

So everytime I meet someone new, or have to give my name and address, I always try to nip the problem in the bud by saying the name (then slowly spelling it) then saying the street name (then slowly spelling it) and realizing that most people are still going to get it wrong. It happens all the time, so I’ve gotten used to it. I don’t think that anyone is trying to offend me, they just can’t figure it out for some reason.

My dad has it worse, because his first name is something like Joe, but that is his real full first name (not short for Joseph or anything else) then he has to explain the weird last name thing, and then the weird street name thing.

We get mail addressed to everyone except our real last name. But since it happens so often, we just guess that people are not very good spellers, they don’t understand pronunciation if it’s not super-easy, and they really don’t listen all that much, because they are wired to expect a different answer. So we try not to hold it against anyone and just keep on repeating the same stuff over and over again.

In your case, you should figure out what your pat answer will be and just memorize it like a mantra and don’t give any thought to offense. Most people are just trying to make conversation, some might have a relative who’s name is Joe (but is short for Joseph) and others just can’t spell or comprehend things that don’t fit the mold of what they expect. I would guess it would be a very rare occurrence that someone is actually trying to offend you on purpose.

I think this problem is similar (but not in such a dramatic way) to people that have visible disabilities. People are always asking questions about people’s disabilities, even though they shouldn’t, but I don’t think most people are trying to be rude. People’s brains are wired to expect certain things and when things don’t seem “right” , they often fall into the trap of asking stupid questions to help make sense of it.

@Meego Well, I am trying to change it, but it’s an expensive and long thing if you aren’t changing it for marriage. But even my parents don’t call me by my full name anymore, even in fights – I’ve made it very clear that calling me that name doesn’t make me want to listen to them (and my parents pretty much never, ever listen to me). It may not be a big deal to some, but it is to me.

@Kardamom I think that’s true the last bit. My husband was legally blind, he always got questions about it some seemed kind of dumb. “how do you pee in the toilet?”. Luckily my husband had a great sense of humor and would say, “I just aim somewhere, if I don’t hear splashing…You just might want to watch where you walk…” lol my husband never missed the toilet, as long as you can feel that your standing in front of the toilet you usually know the rest, but inquiring minds had to know!

@papayalily Hmm well if you can’t get over it, try not to respond to others as well when they call you the unwanted name. Then say when they ask “why aren’t you answering me?” respond calmly, “Such a such is not my name”. Maybe just do that until it’s annoying and they just call you the wanted name. Then it’s mission accomplished.

@Meego I’ve pretty much got that part under control, I was just wondering why the question came up in the first place.

@papayalily oh, yeah it’s curiosity, as I said before and it can kill things.

@Meego Curiosity killed the cat.

<—not a cat

@bob OK

I’ll only ask if the name is unusual and always follow it up by asking a couple of questions about the origin of the name. I will also, always, call people by the name they introduced themselves with. I have an unusual name and people are always asking me to a) repeat it because they didn’t get it the first time around, b) the origin of the name or c) what it means. A and b are easy. I dread C because it’s an involved meaning and you have to know a little bit about Hindu mythology.

The other reason I’ll ask someone if their name is short for something is if I’ve had some kind of colossal brain malfunction and can’t think of anything else to talk to them about. That doesn’t happen often.

My short name is MER. Which should automatically reward the “Mer-Jelly” award to me as a specialty trophy! Just sayin’  DOH I will try to get over it 