You should sit down with your mom and have a conversation first. Explain to her, what you’ve said to us and then say that you would like to try to do things differently and give a few examples. Then ask her if she’s on board with trying to change the dynamics.
Some examples of doing things differently:
Have your mom tell granny that she’ll only take one piece of bad news per day, no more taking phone calls every 20 minutes (this will be hard, because granny will still try to call) have your mom tell granny that she’ll put the answering machine on and use it. Tell granny that it’s perfectly fine to call if she personally is having an emergency, or if she wants to call with good news or regular conversation. Have mom tell granny that it would make more sense just to call once a day and limit the amount of time (half hour, say?)
And then tell mom, to start the day with a big hello or howzit going, dear? and not to start off with the death stories.
Get a pad of paper or an erase board and tell mom to start listing the death and destruction on the pad of paper instead of instantly telling you about it.
You should _attempt” to talk to granny, yourself, in the most non-confrontational manner you can (or write her a letter) telling her how much you love her, but you are trying to enter a world that is less negative and so therefore you need her to stop giving you so much negative information and to please realize how much it hurts you when she criticizes you. Tell her that you are doing the best you can, but it makes it harder to be your best when you are constantly being put down or criticized. Tell her that you want to talk to her and have wonderful granny/grandaughter conversations without all of the negativity. She might be mad at first (and you may have to call her repeatedly until she gets used to it).
Then you and mom can both do what my cousin did last month. Write or call each other everyday with assertations of gratitude and good news. If the bad stuff creeps back in, tell them you’re only doing “good stuff” right now (and remind them of the one bad thing per day rule). If you have to say you’ll hang up until later, do so, politely and remind them how much you love them and will talk to them later. You may have to do this repeatedly.
If you have medical insurance, it might be a good idea to talk to your doctor (or mom’s doctor) to see if you guys can get a few sessions of family counseling. I recall you saying that your mom had some problems with depression. Does mom already have a doctor or a therapist?
Talk to mom a little more about whether granny needs a little more medical attention from her doctor. It’s not safe for her to be chasing after ambulences and all the negativity is only hurting her family. Maybe someone needs to talk to granny’s doctor and let him know what’s going on.
For your own self, try to be sweet and accomodating without pointing fingers, but let everyone know that you are trying to start living in a more positive manner. Keep reminding everybody how much you love them (even as you are explaining what you will no longer tolerate). Spend more time with friends or other family members who are positive. Be super-positive yourself and just push on. Don’t hesitate to lean on us Fluthers as time moves forward. Good luck : )