Heard any good jokes lately?

Confucius say, “Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.”

A Texas sheriff is looking to hire a deputy. He’s interviewing a candidate and tells him:

“Your resume looks great and you seem to have the right background, but before I hire you I need to give you a test of character that we require of all of our potential deputies.”

So… He slides a .45 caliber pistol across the table and says:

“Now, I want you go go out and shoot 6 illegal aliens, 6 Muslim extremists, 6 leftist liberals, and a rabbit.

The deputy to be replies:

“No problem, but why the rabbit?”

The Sheriff then says:

“That’s the attitude we’re looking for. You’re hired!”

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell station.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?

He had no body to go with him.

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?

Because of his coffin.

If Harry Potter is so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight & get laid? A teenage boy shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the armadillo that it could be done!

Two peanuts were walking through the park, one was assaulted.

How many dead whores can you fit in a garage? Two more if I move my bike.
Stephen Hawking : Brainier than Kurt Cobain’s garage wall

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?

Russel.

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says ‘you reckon we can drive this thing?’

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two but it is really hard to get them in there.

What do you get if you don’t pay your exorcist?
Repossed.

What’s brown and sticky??

A stick

What do you call a couple at a BBQ who have no legs or arms?
Frank and Patty

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

What do you call Dr Ben Casey and Dr Killdare?

A pair of docs

Why wasn’t the male chicken able to cross the road?
It got lost on the way across, and refused to ask for directions.

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..’
‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.’
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’.’
‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’
Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right! .
I’ll be there. Thanks again.’
‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’
Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?’
‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us…’

It’s not a joke, but a pickup line.
“If I were a pokémon, I’d be an erectabuzz!” LOL!!

You matter! But if you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, You energy!

My wife yelled down from upstairs “do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it”.
I replied “No’
She replied “How about now?”

Hey @Jaxk It’s nice to see your grumpy face!

What kind of bugs do you find in a clock???
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Ticks!!!