Does problems of the elderly tear your family apart or bring you together?

Caring for an aging loved one can be very stressful for everyone involved. Everyone taking part in their care needs to keep lines of communication open, ask for help, and take time for themselves. Trying to weigh all options while doing your best not to get emotional is difficult, but important. These are very personal matters, and can lead to a lot of frustration and misdirected anger. That’s not at all uncommon. Watching someone that you love struggle with their health is difficult in and of itself, but becoming a caregiver for someone that most likely has taken care of you for the majority of your life can be a strange shift in dynamics. It takes a lot of patience, and I can’t stress enough not to lose sight of yourselves in all of this. Letting yourself get worn down is a sure road to burnout.

As for your mother, yes the move may have been disorienting for her. That wouldn’t be unheard of. Has she been diagnosed with some form of dementia? If she has, that would most likely exacerbate any confusion or disorientation that she might be experiencing. Is she alone when your sister is out of town? Are her health and current mental state stable enough that she is able to be alone for extended periods of time?

My brother in law’s sister lives in that home too. She has never been diagnosed but has been increasingly delusional for the last couple of years. They took her darvoset off the market. Also an issue.

My sister is not good with communication…the most pent up repressed woman on earth…a great corporate chick. and this situation is gettin on my last nerve. I’m being knocked out of the loop. She is not getting medical attention til next week.

I’m fit to be tied.

Are you able to go over and spend time with your mother when you can? Do not confuse the difficulty of the sister-sister relationship with the ability of your sister to adequately care for your mother. Just because she is financially able to have your mother and her sister-in-law in her home, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t stressful for her, especially if she has a job that requires her to travel as much as she does.

Perhaps take a step back, and focus on what you can do to make the situation easier for your sister? Can you spend time with your mother when your sister is out of town? Take off work to take her to doctor appointments? Take her out to dinner once a week, or bring dinner over?

You describe your sister’s home as a mansion. When I say “basement”, I mean boxes and washing machine. When my McMansion-dwelling friend says “basement,” she means finished playroom, media suite, office, guest room, full bath, walk-out to patio.

My mother is 94 and is in a nursing home. i have complete poa over her and her medical treatment. i was chosen to be her poa, since there is just my brother and he is a nursing home.

I understand your problem. fortunaltely, i do not have the problems you are facing.

This will only work, if one person is in charge of your mother, not 2 or more. one person has to make the decisions for her. the other siblings should be constantly infomed of her activities and in on major decisions. but, only one person should have the final say in her treatments, etc.

Sorry you are in this position. its tough and i know it.

I only suggest making things easier for your sister because it is something that you are able to control in this triangle, and the sole purpose would be to provide connectivity to your mother and her care. Having something that you can control would help ease the feeling of helplessness and being left out.

Offer to help your sister – she may be feeling stressed out over the situation, and if you at least offer to help it will ease that burden. Also, if you offer and she declines at least you tried, and she can’t blame you for not attempting to help. Ask if she wants someone to bring some cooked food over, or whatever.

also, like @BarnacleBill said, spend time with your mom. Spend time with her while she is able to appreciate it and understand.

Absolutely the move is affecting her mind. My Mom supposedly had Alz and any kind of move or change in routine threw her for a big loop.
In my case, it tore my family to shreds.
Word of advice…if there is something you feel you need to do, do it. I know what it is to allow a control freak to take over, but I didn’t interfere because I was a afraid of creating a bigger rift in the family. Now I wish to God I’d said, “To hell with the consequences. I’m going to step up in any way I feel necessary.” My Mom died prematurely because of some very bad decisions. I feel guilty because I didn’t do more to stop it. It’s really hard to live with.

Control freaks dont take much help. I was denied “helping” earlier this week. and then walls were set up to keep me from Mom.
I visited today, with both me and Mom crying, because she wants to be with me.

No, they won’t take help. They are also convinced that their every decision is just another sign of their brilliance, no matter HOW obvious it becomes that they were make some horrible decisions….

@Dutchess_III I love you, my jelly.

You too @jazmina88. Just remember, this too shall pass….