How do you feel as/or about a single parent when dating?

When my (now) husband finally decided to tell me that he had children at a young age, I was kind of taken aback. My first reaction was to run the other way. But, we did have a connection, and I warmed up to the idea, and I can definitely say that I’m glad I did. I love my husband, and I love the boys as if they were my own. I adored them from the first time we met, and it seemed mutual. They’ve grown up with me in their lives for almost as long as they can remember, so we have a very natural relationship. I am just a “normal” part of their family.
I wouldn’t trade my husband, or my stepsons, for anything. I love them dearly. I wouldn’t change the decision I’ve made with them, but if I had to do it all over again with someone else – I wouldn’t do it.
Family court, child support, visitation, not having much say in how a child (that may or may not live in your home) is being raised, and constantly having an ex girlfriend or ex wife in the picture can be stressful at times. Sometimes very stressful. I’m not saying that is always the case, but, it isn’t something I’d want to repeat if it should ever come to that.
Again, they are more than worth it to me. I would go to the ends of the world and back for those kids, I really do love them like my own flesh and blood.
I just don’t think faced with a similar situation (which is unrealistic at this point), that I would make the same decision.

I hope that made sense.

@TheOnlyNeffie Perfect sense, thats exactly the sort of story that Im interested in here. Thanks for sharing.:)

As a whole parent I find dating really difficult, so much so that I haven’t actually dated in over two years. My son’s father isn’t in his life at all, which can be a good thing for potential partners because they don’t have the interference of the biological Dad but can be a bad thing because there is a tendency for my son to attach himself to a male easier as a father figure.

The last relationship I was in was when my son was between 1 and 2 years old. The man had his own children and was going through a divorce and I agree with @TheOnlyNeffie that it was incredibly difficult to deal with. Not in the least because he was still living with her and slept with her a few times as well. In all honesty I struggled with coming to terms with having to partially take on someone else’s children (they did visit at times…and it was in our plans to move in together eventually) but really that wasn’t the problem in the relationship…his wife was the problem and his decisions to be unfaithful. I truly believe I would have dealt with any negative feelings I had about taking on his children in time and gradually… if things had worked out between us. I’m a firm believer that love conquers all.

That said, I understand how having children would be a hindrance someone but ultimately I know my son is, just as lovable as I am and has a lot of love to give too. Indeed the only other man I have had a relationship with whilst my son has been with me was when he was 6 months old and the chap got very attached to my son as well, he told me he had fallen in love with him too.

Nowadays, like I say I haven’t dated in a long time even though I am part of a dating site. I get adequate interest but I’m very particular I guess….and I need to feel like I can really trust someone, so I’d much to prefer to meet someone ‘naturally’ but I’m still open-minded about the internet. (I’m still in hope that I’ll end up with a Fluther Lover…sshhh don’t tell anyone! x) I don’t hide the fact that I have a son at all and it is one of the first things people find out about me but it is also the biggest part of me that I protect. I’m sure the right person for me will come to love my son as well.

@TheOnlyNeffie I’m so happy for you that you’ve found happiness and want to congratulate you for all that you’ve got through…it is very difficult indeed and very stressful and you’re an amazing woman xxx

When I left my ex-husband, we had an 8 month old together. I remember briefly thinking that it might make some potential partners reconsider their decision to be with me but I know that pretty quickly I figured it’s either you get me and the baby or you don’t get me at all. It worked out because my next couple of partners (one of which is now my husband and father to my second child and also father to the now 4 and a half year old that was the 8 month old baby) were completely fine with it. I established myself in such a way that anything otherwise would be unacceptable. I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to date or fall in love again. Quite the contrary. And obviously, I would have no issue being with someone who had children as well.

Hi

As someone who was a single parent with three children and has now been with my new partner (now husband) for 10 years, I think it depends on the individuals involved. If you meet someone and have an incredible connection, your concerns about becoming an instant parent might disappear. My husband, who had been a friend with no children of his own for years before we ended up together and already knew my children, initially said “I don’t do children”. My response was that he shouldn’t waste time with me as anything more than a friend because I was a package deal. He decided to stick around and has been an incredible stepfather.

I do think though you have to be honest with those you are getting involved with, whether they are a single dad or mum. They have a responsibility to their children and if you know you really aren’t interested in being seriously involved, be upfront about that. If the person decides to see you when they have time without their children, that’s their choice but they may very well not want you around their kids, developing a relationship with them that has no future and will therefore only cause them pain. Children need stability.

Liz

When I was dating I was not slow to say that I would never marry someone who had children. I had no interest in being a mother figure to children who were not mine. I also had no interest in a man thinking he had any authority over my children. I knew I would never marry until my children were grown, if then.

If I were single and looking (which I’m not), kids would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m too old now to be wanting to raise any more kids. I wouldn’t even contemplate beginning a relationship with someone who has kids living with them.

I’m with @downtide, I’m to old for that now, even if they were adult & flown the nest, besides, had I wanted kids I would have become a father many years ago, the fact that I have a son is neither here nor there…. The opportunity to be his father was taken away from me way back when so I would have no desire to pick up the role with anyone else’s kids.. It’d just be to much of an emotional challenge for me.. Also what @TheOnlyNeffie said to “constantly having an ex in the picture” would completely do my head in…… anyway I’m just far too selfish now! :-/

I would be OK with it and would only hope their kid would be open to allowing me to be a part of their life.

As divorces and unmarried parents have become much more prevalent and accepted by society, it’s only logical that there will be more single parents looking to date.

Personally, if I were dating at age 30, I wouldn’t be bothered if a man I were interested in were divorced and/or had kids. Whether I would pursue a long-term relationship with him would depend on a million different factors, and his relationship with his kids and/or ex would definitely come into play, but I don’t think it would be much different than deciding to pursue a long-term relationship with a man who had no kids or ex-wife.

Like @Cruiser said, the most important part (and probably the most difficult) of relationships involving kids from a previous relationship is the kid. Once you’ve got little ones, they have to come first, regardless of whatever else happens.

Before I had my son, I never thought about dating someone with a kid and the situation never came up. I had my son when I was 20 and my ex-husband walked out when my son was 10 months old (and I was 21). Dating as a single parent definitely made things different. I was more selective about who I dated and men were more selective about dating me. At first it would upset me, but I learned pretty quickly that any man that wouldn’t want my son around didn’t deserve to have me around either. I dated a few people in the years that I was a single mom with each relationship ending for various reasons (some because we just weren’t a good fit and others because they tried to control things with my son too much).

Then my husband and I started dating. He was a friend before and already knew my son. It was a great situation and our relationship flourished. Since my son’s biological father is not in the picture in any way at all, my husband has a major role in my son’s life. He is the only man my son has ever called ‘dad’ and we are making it legal (through adoption). My husband and I discuss all parenting issues and will continue to raise my son together, just as we will any children we have together as a couple. I consider myself very blessed to have my husband in my life and for my son to have him in his life as well.

My husband married me with 3 wounded children. (Their father committed suacide.)
He hesitated for a while but we were so head over heels in love.
It was a pretty rocky road for a while. My kids put him through the ringer.
Now that they are grown they are probably more loyal to him than they are to me! Any man amazing enough to marry a 29 year old widow with 3 kids and stick with them for 20+ years deserves uber kudos!

The short answer: I do not rule out single moms. I’m in my 40s, not rich, and never married. I’m in no position to be choosy. If I ruled out single moms, the number of acceptable women I could date would be minuscule. I might have shied away from dating a single mom when I was 25, unless she was really irresistible, but my list of deal-breakers has gotten shorter as I’ve aged. I do not, however, see myself getting seriously involved with a single mother who is not open to the possibility of having more children.

I had a daughter with a vile woman when I was 22. Never had any problems meeting women at all before that relationship. Mom left when daughter was about 1½ years old, and has had no contact since then (been 11 years). Anyways, I raised my daughter as a single-parent…and suddenly had far more difficulty getting into relationships. Every woman I’d date would insist it had nothing to do with me having a child, but there was an obvious difference. If I met a woman somewhere when I out on the town (sans daughter), I had no problems getting a date. But then after a few weeks the new woman would find some bs reason they couldn’t date any longer.

Being of a scientific mind, I started testing my hypothesis. I’d get to talking with a woman, be certain that I could ask her on a second date, then either mention I had a daughter or not. Mind you I only did this maybe a dozen time max, so it isn’t a huge sample group. I was able to get a date with more women when I didn’t mention that I was a single-parent.

All relationships I did have were not very long, probably due to us being in our 20s and me not being able to get out of the house easily. Out of probably 8 or so women I dated between 2000 and 2006, the longest relationship I didn’t decide to end was about 6 weeks. Before I was a single parent, most relationships lasted way longer. Mind you I was only 22, but dated in high school too.

Anyways, I realized it wasn’t going to be easy to find a good relationship by chance. I went on eHarmony one morning when I was 30, and I was able to put that I had a child in my profile. I figured anyone who had a problem with that would know up front and filter me out. Guess what happened: I met my wife in 9 days on there and we’ve been together 5 years.

She has had difficulties with my daughter, who had my full attention for many years and has some attachment issues due to having no mother previously, but we’re a solid family.

I am 33. I do think when I decide to date again, I have only dated twice, which I am ok with as I’m perfectly content being alone, although if the time comes I’d like whoever I accept to remember my daughter gets to be added into the acceptance approval and vice versa, I want everyone happy with the arrangement all parties. I think I would be ok being with someone who has children as well, again everyone has to be cordial, with the acceptance rule to be similar. I am greatly against and less helpful when drama is added and am quite fond of my quiet and stable life with only the few stressful things. And fortunately for me I had a not very stressful and very stable loving fulfilled marriage. So if I have a go again I’m expecting better

I have to admit, there was a point after my son was born that I thought to myself, “What man would willingly walk into a relationship with a woman who was a single mother?” I seriously thought that I would remain single forever. I began dating around the time my son was 9 months old. I always felt afraid to reveal that I had a very young child at home, but I always stated it first. I figured if the guy knew from the get go then he wouldnt waste my time or his time if he was going to turn and run. I would tell them about my son, but I was determined to keep the man I was dating a secret from my son. I didnt want my son to see me dating, I didnt want him to be meeting different guys all the time and I only wanted him to meet a man that I loved and who was going to stick around and love my son. I have met a few different types of men and the way they handled dating me and my son. The first relationship was a joke. No relationship at all. I can count on my fingers how many times he took me somewhere and he never asked about my son. I didnt like the thought of having my son at a sitter so that I could date and have fun, so I began allowing late night visits after my son was in bed. He used it as a perfect opportunity for a strictly sexual relationship and nothing else. Needless to say that relationship didnt last. Then for a while, I would date here and there but it never lasted…one or two dates, alot of talking on the phone but nothing serious. The men my age were not ready for a ready made family. The next guy I dated seriously was completely opposite. He knew of my son, and because I think I adapted to being a single dating mother, I took a more mature and reasonable approach to the situation. We dated here and there, but I took things very very slowly. I introduced the man to my son as a friend of mine and he would even take us out on little outings. Like the park, we would take my son to the zoo, bowling…we did things that we could include him in. We also would do quiet dinners in, or movies. As time went on we fell in love and he fell in love with us both. I was always honest and upfront with him in that if things were getting serious and he loved me he would have to love my son also. I told him from the beginning it was a packaged deal-that if it came to choosing him or my son he would need to understand that my son came first and that he was my priority…not my own happiness. He accepted willingly. We are to be married this May and my son is now calling him Daddy. When he talks about my son, he is also talking about his son.

@Baddreamer27 many congratulations and thank you for sharing your story…it’s inspiring xx

I’ll share a few thoughts from a single/childless dating man’s perspective. I’d have to say I’ve spent most of my dating career evading children because I somehow didn’t want to “interfere” in a child’s life by coming in there, getting familiar and then what if I didn’t enjoy it? Like, what if the kid was the problem and I wanted out because of her/him, how do you explain that to a mom? What if I wanted out because of the mom, how would the kid handle my exit? I didn’t want to have to potentially deal with a “big” exit situation involving a child so I passed up on a few good people for that reason.

Lately, I feel my opinion has changed. I’ve stopped considering kids as aliens and I realize now that they’re just people you meet. I’m not ashamed to meet anyone, I’m reasonably confident that I’ve got good things to bring to any table. So, hell yea a wee one can bask in this sunshine for a minute or two. I haven’t had the opportunity, and I’m not exactly pursuing it either but I think if it came up again, I wouldn’t be so afraid.

People are just people.

Thanks so much to everyone, I really appreciate your input and willingness to share so openly, fluther never ceases to amaze me in this way. Such a great community.
Again, thanking you all very much:)