To answer your main question: It evokes well enough the imagery you’ve written into the narrative, but could still be more evocative.
Otherwise, some common advice for stuff like this is: Avoid cliches. Examples: ‘flashed before my eyes’; ‘winked off and on’; ‘coursed through […] veins’. All of these might be revised to convey something less cliche, more vivid.
The narrator’s experience is vivid, right? I’m just assuming. But if you want the prose to reflect that vividness, you’ll need to refrain from using cliches, which by nature are not vivid. They are habitual descriptions.
Some mostly unnecessary nitpicking:
clicking their shoes – The phrase suggests people are consciously ‘clicking’ their shoes, but we know that’s probably not the case. Shoes might click, or they might make the sound of clicking, but people generally don’t ‘click their shoes’ unless they are tap-dancing or clicking their heels together.
giant tall glass concrete buildings – So you’ve got four adjectives here, all of which I’m sure are applicable to the buildings. But two of them (‘giant’, ‘tall’) achieve basically the same effect, so you don’t really need both. The other two (‘glass’, ‘concrete’) sort of (depends on who you ask) contradict each other. Which is not to say we don’t understand what you mean. But you can throw an ‘and’ in there and gain a little more precision with the description. Something like colossal glass and concrete buildings might be better. (I just picked ‘colossal’ for the consonance and assonance with ‘glass’ and ‘concrete’, but you can choose whatever you want, as ‘colossal’ is itself kind of cliche.)
cacophony of sounds – Sort of redundant, as ‘cacophony’ by itself suggests sound and noise well enough.
clearly tell me – Did you clearly hear them, or did they clearly tell you? The difference is important, especially in the context of the sentence (beginning, as it does, with ‘Although…’).
could smell a plethora of different fragrances – This detail might be better off having its own sentence. Right now it’s kind of out of place at the end of the sentence about Times Square’s noisy atmosphere (also: ‘Although Times Square was noisy, I could still smell stuff’ doesn’t quite follow).
filled with women; some dragging – The semicolon isn’t necessary (or correct) here; a comma will do just fine.
You might also want to consider spending more time with the olfactory descriptions toward the end. (I’ve been in a Sephora and know how overwhelming the scents can be.)
In these paragraphs I see a good opportunity to convey how overwhelming a place likes Times Square can be to a tourist’s senses. I’m sure that’s what you were going for, but that motive is sort of undermined by the occasional cliche (which almost always precludes any chance of vivid description) and by the cursory description of the Sephora smells.
Maybe you’re not in the store yet. I can’t quite tell, e.g., if you’re viewing the women/ husbands from outside the store or if you’re already inside, so you might want to make that a little clearer. But regardless, to convey these overwhelming sensations you’ll want to balance the narrativity of the prose, having equal parts visual, audible, and olfactible descriptions when appropriate. (Olfactible stuff occurring in Sehpora, obviously, et cetera.)
Other things I notice include the occasional awkward sentence and the beginning, which reminds me (just a little) of this. Assuming these paragraphs are not the very beginning of whatever you’re writing, though, the latter point isn’t really a big deal. I can point out the awkward stuff if you want, but I’m under the impression that you can see it and fix it yourself through revision and editing and reading it out loud over and over until everything flows naturally. (Do all that.)
@Cruiser and @downtide have also given good advice. At the same time, be careful not to go too far when avoiding repetition (i.e., repetition isn’t always bad). You don’t want to end up with, say, walking swiftly to calefy my legs, as that’s silly.
Overall, it’s good to see something genuine (this feels genuine) and not pretentiously stylized. I like that you spend time with detail, as the prose really mimics the way a Times Square tourist would experience Times Square. Try to follow through with that feeling and this can be successful.
Hope this helps a little.
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