What do you say when they ask if you're also going to the graveside service when you aren't?

“No, I’m not comfortable going to graveside services.”

“No, I wasn’t that close to her, so I would feel out of place among her inner circle at the graveside.”

You don’t need to give an explanation. How about, “I won’t be able to go.”

I’d just ‘no, I’m not planning on attending the graveside services’. It doesn’t matter why. Who’d ask you why?

“No” does not beg the question. It is unlikely that family and close friends are going to quiz you; if an acquaintance asks, simply say, “No.” You are not the center of attention here.

And going to the wake and/or funeral means you sign the guest book, if it is important for the family to know that you did show your respects.

You did mention that she is not someone you know personally.

As much as I think it’s rude to ask, “oh? why not?” it has happened to me before. Actually, this person said, “why not?” to me three or four times so I’m a little paranoid about it.
It’s not that I’d be missed at all. Or that they even care. Some people ask out of nervousness?
Or nosyness.

@Aster; A good technique to use when someone repeats a question that you have already answered, is to ask, politely, another question.

“I answered you already. Why are you asking me again?”

@Aster You know some really nosy people. I don’t know of anyone that would do that. You may be over preparing as the death hasn’t occured yet, and this conversation may not even happen.

yeah, it’s my unfortunate habit of sweating over something prematurely. I’ve always done it. I think its an anxiety characteristic.
And yes; I now think she is a very nosy person. Or maybe she’s just stupid. lol

This is a good opportunity to learn how to retrain yourself. Someone else’s rude or inappropriate behavior does not have to trigger a similar response in you.

(Remember the bride who danced in an untraditional manner?)

I now believe the bride danced in a very traditional manner. It’s hard but I am capable of changing my mind.
How would I be rude? Am I planning to say or do something rude @gailcalled ?

Agree with those who suggest saying that you’re not attending. No explanation required.

ok, Al. I can try that. “No; I’m not going.” I won’t be uneasy; I’ll look at it as a fluther experiment.

@Aster: Sorry, I should have said “trigger a nervous or unnecessary response in you.”

And you do seem to dramatise future events unnecessarily, and thereby cause yourself a lot of stress and anxiety. If you see a pattern, perhaps you could work on a technique to make life easier for you (and for your central nervous system).

thank you. It isn’t just a pattern; its a part of my “personality.” And most of the time, if I imagine a future event to be bad news, it usually is. And being pretty sure that it’ll be bad makes me even more anxious beforehand. old habits are hard to break. I always think, “now that I am convinced this will be bad, maybe I can now run it over and over in my brain and try to engineer the event in such a way that it won’t be so bad.” Then it affects my sleep. Neurosis.

Well, good luck to you.

Just say you can’t make it and don’t worry about judgements others would make about you.Not being able to make the graveside service isn’t so bad,especially if you have gone to the funeral home.Give yourself a bit of a break here!
I had an aquaintance hit on me days after I told him of a death in my family.Nothing tops that as far as inconsiderate,selfish,rude,and obnoxious behaviour.I’ll never forget it

I say, ‘I’ll try’ and then somehow I couldn’t make it. They probably don’t want to go themselves. I think graveside is family.

@faye GA That is a genuine consideration!! So. I’ll choose between , “I’ll try” and , “No; I’m not going.” Wunerful, wunerful jellie bellie buds. T H A N K Y O U A L L !!!

@lucillelucillelucille, I had a neighbor call at 10 am and ask my daughter to babysit on the day of my sister-in-law’s funeral. When I explained we had a death in family, she said,“I don’t need her until 1:00. Surely she’ll be free by then….”

@Aster, I think you’re pretty generous to send flowers to a funeral for someone you’ve never spoken directly to. I would attend the visitation, and if asked about the funeral service, just say you have a schedule conflict. Odds are, if you have never spoken to the person, the family won’t know who you are, and anyone else who asks is just a busybody and don’t deserve more of an answer.

Actually, I have never spoken to the lady but all her family either knows me or , in addition, I am closely related to some of her family. Which is the reason I’ll attend the funeral. thanks.