What would you say to this man who recently lost his son?

Reach out to him physically if you can. Take his hand or put your hand on his shoulder, look into his eyes and say, “I know I told you this on the phone, but I am so sorry that you lost your son.”

Once he responds, then move on to business and don’‘t mention it again.

@marinelife said it perfectly. I second the suggestion(s).

Do you two generally shake hands when you see one another? If you do, take that opportunity to give one of those two-handed shakes, hold on for a few extra seconds and say something along the lines of what @marinelife suggested. I also agree with the idea of not mentioning it again unless he does.

Men need hugs too. And what @marinelife said.

@Cruiser as someone who has lost a child(ren), I will say, for myself at least, the most sensitive thing you can do is listen. Just ask him how his is doing and listen. If you don’t really understand how it feels, don’t say that you do. Just acknowledge that you can’t imagine how it feels. (Because, unless you have lost a child, you can’t.) Just listen. Don’t form some comforting, logical, caring thought in your head and wait on an opportunity to say these words. Just really listen to his grief if he shares it with you. Everyone grieves in many different ways. So just listen to him with your heart and look him into his eyes.

If I were you I think I would suggest putting business aside for a short while to take a private walk with him – for as long as you both think it will take – before getting down to business. That gives him a chance to talk and decompress, while still allowing him to get back to work, which is obviously what he wants and needs to do right now. But if your phone conversation with him was as bad as you describe, then neither of you will have your mind on business after just a brief greeting.

For 44 years as a police officer, this is what i have always stated to a person that has lost a loved one:

“I am truly sorry for your lose. one thing to remember, one day, you will again see him/her in heaven and what a joyous day that will be for both of you. just keep this in mind and this will help you make it through each day”.

Be sure to sit eye to eye with your friend, when you have your conversation. this is so important and even an “i’m sorry” hug should not be out of the question for you.

@john I know you have much more experience with this than me, but I would never assume that someone thinks they will see a loved one again in Heaven unless I know that is what they believe.

When faced with such a situation, I would also probably reach out physcially if you are comfortable with that and say, “There are no words that I can say to express my sympathy for your loss. Would you like to talk about it now or not?”

Janbb, i have had a serious talk with myself to see if these were the correct words to say to people. i, like you, wondered about certain words in my statement. but, you know what? out of all those years of consoling people, i have never had one complaint.

I agree with @john65pennington in this situation. Even though I don’t believe in heaven and am not in the least religious or spiritual, I would not be at all offended if someone were to say that to me. It shows that they care, and that they care enough to share that aspect of their belief with me when I’ve experienced loss.

@john65pennington I’m sure it is always more the tone and the feeling of compassion that comes through rather than the actual words and I’m sure yours are comforting. Also, maybe you are in a more religious part of the country. I’m not sure I would react at the time if someone said that to me, but I would not find any comfort in the idea that I would see a lost chld in heaven since I don’t believe that. It has worked well for you and for many people, I’m just saying I would not presume that or want someone to say it to me.

@john65pennington anyone would know that you mean well, and that you speak from the heart, and I would not take “offense” at that if you said it to me – but I wouldn’t want to have any more contact with you, either, despite your obvious good intentions.

There are some lovely answers here, I’m not really sure I can add anything…

Whatever you do though, you must acknowledge his loss again in some way.
Please dont carry on your day with him and pretend nothing has happened because it feels too awkward for you.
I’m not suggesting for a moment that you would, but some people do because they feel useless in a situation like this… I understand this.
But to deny/ignore his pain and loss – that can hurt so deeply.

I don’t think anyone’s going to complain at @john65pennington‘s words. I know I wouldn’t and I’m an atheist. But I would be annoyed at the presumption, and I don’t think I should be annoyed.

I think there are plenty of other ways of expressing condolences that don’t involve Christian concepts. I am sure they are equally consoling. What @marinelife said was just fine. It’s the body language that is as important as the words. Maybe even more so. Just be with the person. Use whatever level of physical comfort as the two of you are comfortable with. It can go from hugging to just sitting together in silence.

I would take my cue from him. “Is there any support I can give to you right now?” Make it clear that you’re willing to talk about it if he wants to talk, and to go to business if that’s what he wants to do. Maybe offer to put things off in this time of need, so he doesn’t have to deal with any decision-making if he doesn’t want to. Then again, some people cope by throwing themselves into work.

The other thing that probably isn’t possible, but would be nice if it were culturally acceptable, would be to let him know he can cry. When his eyes well up, pause in what you are doing and just put a hand on his shoulder. The message is that you’re there, and you won’t run away, even in his grief. Something like that, anyway.

It’s different with women, but one of our good friends just lost her husband. She often starts to well up when talking about him. I think she is very brave, because she does not shy away from her grief and from sharing it with friends. A lot of people seem to be very private with their grief, and I think that makes it harder. We’re cool with her crying. We respect it. We don’t try to comfort her nor to try to make her stop. We let her grieve or do what she needs to do.

I said it’s different because I think it is more socially acceptable for women to cry and show their emotions than it is for me. I would hope that men could start to be more open about their feelings, and I think that grief is a good place to start because more people are accepting of that.

You don’t need our advice just reaching out is great enough and can move mountains. Emotions are going to happen. Tell him anything positive. My sincere condolences.

@WasCy Please explain why you would not want to have contact with someone like @john65pennington because of his statement. Regardless of if you agree with his belief or not, his intentions, as you state, are good. What more can we ask?

I agree with @bkcunningham – I always say ” I can’t imagine how this must feel, I’m so sorry – is there anything you need from me? ” and @janbb I agree, as well, if someone said to be something about my loved one being in heaven, I wouldn’t find it helpful at all, just shake my head in frustration.

It was very unhelpful when people told me I’d see my mother again. I even had to tell a few people to fuck-off with that shit.

I also would be annoyed at the presumption that I’d see them in heaven.

Whatever you say, don’t say “only the good die young.”

You know, i have found that you really do not know how you will react, when a serious situation, like a death in the family, occurs. some people take it in stride, while others go off the deep end. this is understandable, since we are all different and show our emotions in various ways. i truly have seen it all in 44 years. you just cannot imagine how difficult it is, to knock on someones front door to deliver a death message. it hits home with us, just like everyone else. but, you know we are not suppose to show our emotions to the public…..its not macho.

When a neighbor backed over a woman child in her driveway, the whole neighborhood went crazy. it was purely an accident, but the childs mother was hysterical and you can understand this. the woman had no relatives in town and i was it to console her and to help with everything. in this situation, it was hard to hold back my own tears at the sight i was looking at in this driveway. that was a tough police call.

I can’t add anything to what’s been said other than this: just let the meeting be what it will be. I guarantee your worrying about it (which I respect) is harder for you than talking with him will be.

Hi all and thanks for your support. The meeting lasted a long long time…lots of tears were shed. This poor guy is such a mess…his last images of holding his dead son in his arms is unimaginable and has virtually incapacitated this guy. His biggest haunting fear was his child dieing alone and now he believes he is in heaven but his fear is his boy is all alone now in heaven and that haunts him night and day. It was a most awful story to hear. I mostly listened and gave him my support and a big hug when he left. There is a lot more to the story but I did want to thank the Jellies here for your supportive suggestions.

A word about @john65pennington‘s suggestion. I’m not Christian, but I like it, and I respect this man’s experience. I’m inclined to believe a non-Christian or even non-religious person would believe such a statement was coming from a place of faith and compassion and therefore appreciate the sentiment. Kudos, @john65pennington.

@missingbite if I shared the same faith, then to be reminded of that faith at such a time would be a great consolation. But I do not share that faith. So while I would appreciate the thought and the good intent behind it, I would not appreciate that this person is in any way capable of helping me, and would, in fact, probably add to my grief, however unwittingly. The only word that occurs to me is that I would be annoyed by a kind of smugness, even if that’s as far from @john65pennington‘s mind as the idea that there is no god, no redemption, no heaven.

The idea that Christian beliefs could console me at such a time would be akin to my telling a devout Christian, “Put ‘paid’ to that account. We’d better get that mess under ground soon before the corpse starts to really stink up the joint.”

@Cruiser I told you you would know what to do . Sometimes the fine art of just being able to listen to someones story so they can get it off their chest can be the most eventful thing. It really is about just being there. That can be so helpful. Just even to make sure the man is functioning properly, eating and grieving. Make sure you check in on him often.

@Cruiser I know it’s a morbid subject, but could you tell us how the son died?

@sliceswiththings Do we really have to know? It does make you wonder though when you hear “freak household accident”. But that could mean falling and drowning in the bathtub, electric, falling from something while fixing something. Use your imagination. The guy lost his life that’s all that matters and @Cruiser seems a little shaken up about it to say the least. I don’t really want to sound bitchy but I don’t think it’s appropriate, but who am I.

@Meego Fair enough. Come to think of it, if I were to find out, especially before bedtime, I would probably be a little shaken as well. Request withdrawn.

@sliceswiththings That was the best thing I heard in awhile :)) I’m sure @Cruiser appreciates your dropped request. I do especially if it’s horrific. Thanks for not thinking I was being nasty.

Whoever would like to ask more about this experience I would be open to sharing more via PM. Safe to say it was a life changing experience for me.

And so confirms the wonderment of it all. Thanks for that clear up @Cruiser
@sliceswiththings I guess it never hurts to ask! Maybe I should withdraw my comment!

I agree with @janbb, and I can tell you for sure that I would not want someone to say that to me. It would take all the kindness and self-restraint I could muster to refrain from reacting very negatively. In my grief I would be having to work very hard to maintain minimal civility to a well-meaning person for choosing that moment to force his own personal beliefs under my nose when as far as I am concerned, getting rid of them was one of the greatest favors I ever did myself.