She said she wants a break, what to do?

This may be your wake up call to stop drinking, or at least don’t get drunk. It’s wrecking your relationship and you’re not even aware of it until you sober up.
If you’ve now gone a day without talking to her, try to call her and tell her you want to know what is going on, what she is thinking, is this a break up. She owes you that much.

Go to Youtube and listen to this song: You Don’t Own Me…......Leslie Gore.

Going to bed with a person that has an alcoholic breath is like going to bed with a person that smokes. it stinks and is a big turnoff. she has probably had enough of your alcohol condtions and wants out. not hard to blame her.

Taking a break and then going to parties with her after that isn’t exactly a break….I’ve been on breaks (I wasn’t the one who decided that)..but all we did was text and talk to each other…we didn’t really see each other while she was off doing her own thing…I hated it of course, but eventually we got back together…then 3 months later, we break up…I’m glad we did..I thought our “little fights” were normal…turns out she was bipolar and making my life a living hell….as you can guess..the break-up wasn’t so peachy.

You need to get clear with her what she means by a break. Why she still said you could call her and why she still wants to go a party with you.

Are you two still exclusive?

Are you two still dating in her mind?

I personally think that the two of you need to break up and you need to work on yourself.

You were drunk
You “put the moves on her.”
After two minutes, “I passed out next to her.”
In the morning, “I didn’t remember.”

Pay strict attention to @marinelife. She is our five-star agony aunt.

(And skip going to any parties with her until you both either clarify or resolve your relationship.)

I think that before you work on fixing relationships with other people, you need to work a bit on yourself… for instance, the drinking thing. Even if you’re not an alcoholic, she obviously was bothered by it.

@gailcalled: what’s a five-star agony aunt?

It sounds like you have a drinking problem and this is probably her picking up the last straw. It’s probably been bothering her for a long time and she is just now making a bigger deal of it because she probably hoped that you would take her subtle hints to stop, but you didn’t.

Because you have been on and off for two years, you really don’t have much of a relationship. What you have is a 2 year long dysfunctional situation. Because you are young, I’m guessing that you have really never sat down and had a real conversation about what you both want (and won’t tolerate) in a relationship.

Young women often have a hard time articulating their needs (and those things that they don’t ever want) in a relationship because they are afraid that their boyfriend will leave them if they speak up. She is attempting to speak up to you, although not in a very useful way. She probably loves you and wants to work it out. That is why she is alternating between “taking a break” and inviting you to the parties.

Young men often have no desire to articulate their feelings to their girlfriends because they either don’t have any feelings that they can put a finger on, or they just want to get as much sex and good stuff out of their girlfriends without ever having to be an up-standing person.

You definitely have a drinking problem. She knows it, but probably doesn’t want to just blurt that out to you, for fear that it will cause another fight, or that you will deny it, or that you will simply leave her and hook up with someone else who either doesn’t care or also has a drinking problem.

If you want to work this out and stay together, the first thing I would suggest is cleaning up your act and either stop drinking or learn how to control yourself so that you don’t just go out and be a drunk. If she also has a drinking problem, then she should do the same.

Then ask yourselves some of these questions:

Do you love each other enough to want to stay together and fix your problems?

Will you consider going to couples counseling to figure out your (un-identified problems) and get real solutions to the problems that you do admit to or know about?

Are you two planning to get married (if so, when?) or do you want to just continue dating? Or do you want to break up for now and date other people to see if your relationship is worth returning to? Or do you want to break up (and not date other people) while you both work on your separate problems, then pick a time in the near future, say six months from now, to try being together again?

Name 10 things that are extremely important to each of you? Is it fidelity? Is it common interests? Is it having similar values and/or religious/philosophical beliefs? Is it having respect and interest in the other person’s friends and relatives? Is it being able to communicate openly and honestly about problems in your relationship? Is it being sober and having a partner who is sober? Is it having someone who knows how to handle money properly? Is it having a partner who you can see yourself making a future with, who is able to lay out plans to make that future a reality? Is it being with someone who you really like and enjoy their company? Is it mostly about good sex (and not much more)? Is it being with someone who makes good, positive decisions about his/her own life while at the same time regarding the other person and helping them make good, positive decisions? Is it about having a partner who is polite and considerate and emphathetic?

Only the two of you can answer these questions. But if you don’t talk about these things in an open and honest way (that is free from hostility when you are having the discussion) then you are doomed to continue your dysfunctional situation and the same types of things will keep on happening. Good luck to you.

I’m confused about what you mean by “make it work and be a couple.” What would a working relationship look like to you? How do you become a couple?

Just for example, in my mind, a couple lives together. At least, when you are 26. It’s a more serious thing that it might have been in high school or college.

Because I have that idea, I was terribly confused when you said you had to ask if you could come over. I.e., you don’t have standing plans or rules about what you can and cannot do in terms of being in each other’s space. Or that you still have your own spaces when, in my mind, a couple means having “our” space.

Are you exclusive? How often do you see each other? How often do you eat with each other? Do you shop together? Do you take trips together (not just dates)? Do you have a key to her apartment? Do you know what she thinks of your nights out with the guys? How often do you drink together? How much does she drink? How often do you get drunk? Do you usually forget things when you get that drunk?

On-again, off-again. How does that feel? Does it bother you? Do you wish it were more stable? To what do you attribute this happening?

And, for God’s sake, man. You’re the one who knows her. Why the fuck do you think she is sending these mixed signals? What is a break when you hang out with her, but don’t go over there? Is it about sex? What does sex mean to you and to her?

I think you both are somewhat mystified about what a relationship means. It’s as if you both come from families where the parents are divorced.

Sorry Dude. Doesn’t sound promising.

“Five-star agony aunt”—that’s good, @gailcalled. And true.

@troubleinharlem, she means that marinelife gives the best relationship advice, just like a professional “Dear Abby.” See agony column .

I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I go out with friends every now and then and rarely ever get drunk. I don’t drink at home, I don’t even have any booze at home. So I wouldn’t say that I have a constant drinking problem, rather a problem that was generated by drinking. So alcohol was a factor in my unacceptable behavior, but this isn’t a reoccurring thing.

I appreciate the responses and advice. Our relationship was good. We saw each other several nights out of the week, and spent most of our off days together. We go to dinner, movies, met the parents, I go to her soccer games, get along with her friends, and have gone to festivals and such over the summer.

We have talked about our future, moving in, and getting married. The on-off being together in the past was terrible, I wanted something stable. I made a mistake acted in a way that I shouldn’t have, Though I dont think it was something that is unforgivable.

Like I said…

You need to give some serious thought as to whether or not you’re an alcoholic. It would seem that she has feelings for you, but can’t see herself commiting to someone with a drinking problem.

If your drinking is a problem to someone you care about, you have a drinking problem.

It sounds to me like a simple push-back. She didn’t like the situation that occurred the night before, and “take a break” sounds more like a threat than a need, since she clearly still wants you in her life, and is willing to attend parties with you, presumably “as a couple.” Something about the situation made her upset. Maybe she was upset that she reacted the way she did, maybe she doesn’t like you when you’re drunk, maybe you really do have a drinking problem and this is her way of telling you without telling you. From your question, I can’t make those kinds of judgments (though I disagree with the people here who seem to think you are an alcoholic just because you admitted to getting drunk.)

A push-back means that she’s saying something other than what she really feels to try to achieve something in the relationship. The offer to hang out implies to me that she’s not really entertaining thoughts of a break up. That she hasn’t talked about the break more fully implies that she was feeling upset and/or hurt about the previous night, and was trying to assert some control over her part in the relationship. I can’t tell you what she’s thinking, but you should try to address this plainly. Ask her what a break means to her, and if that is what she really wants. If not, you need to find out more, because there’s something else. Maybe she was trying to get you to stop drinking, maybe she doesn’t think you did anything wrong, and feels bad that she got mad at you, maybe she was still so mad at you from the night before that she was trying to score a point to make herself feel better, maybe she’s just a vindictive controlling bitch who wants you to act exactly how she wants all the time. Who knows? We certainly can’t tell you with the limited information available.

I’m in the “it’ll blow over” camp, but that doesn’t mean you should let it. Healthy relationships are built on honesty and communication, and if this doesn’t get addressed, like a sliver it will get under the skin (of both of you) and slowly poison the relationship. Perhaps not fatally, but permanently. Try to communicate and understand where she’s coming from, and give her the honesty and understanding to make sure she can do likewise.

I think you need to ask her for clarification. I don’t think this one night made her want a break – I think she’s been thinking about it and this was a perfect final straw.

She may have meant take a break for the day since you guys see each other most of the days that you’re off. I agree with the above, clarification is needed but sounds iffy since you both have an established pattern of being on and off.

All of these people who claim you have a drinking problem OBVIOUSLY didn’t read your question. At 26 going out to the bar with friends “Every now and then” and “Haven’t been wasted in a while” implies perfectly normal behavior. Saying someone has an alcohol problem after reading these statements is retarded. Get in touch with reality folks, he’s just a dude who enjoys hanging with friends on occasion… FAR from an alcoholic! As for the question, if you and this girl were historically “Off and On” before you tried an actual relationship… you can only expect the “relationship” to be the same. In most cases “Off and on” means one of the two of you likes to dabble in other places (if you get my drift) and this is destined to go NOWHERE. If the two of you enjoy the company of each other (sexual and non-sexual) then why bother with trying to make it a relationship? Casual has it’s perks (especially before 30) and feelings are a lot less likely to end up being an issue. From what you’ve said, it sounds to me like she has a friend who she vents to (probably male) who gave her some crap advice, and she listened… there’s probably ulterior motives involved here and you got the crap end of the stick. Instead of going to her parties make yourself less available and go enjoy having your own life for a bit. Women HATE/LOVE that and eventually she’ll want you back, or you’ll find you self confidence and some other companionship that’s less drama… and you’ll get over this doomed “relationship.” Look at it this way, it’s not like you’re gonna end up marrying this chick anyway and life is short, so why be miserable over something so minor as what she’s making this out to be. She obviously still has issues with whatever it was you did, and is never going to get over that… so instead of beating a dead/dying horse, go be fun and move on.

@torchingigloos- EXACTLY!

@MD3161 I think you need to grow up. Don’t go over to her house when you’re drunk, that’s stupid. Not to mention getting drunk in the first place is stupid. Nothing good will ever come of going over to your SO’s house drunk. EVER. You probably don’t have a drinking problem, but you have a problem when you’re drinking. So don’t combine drinking and going over to her house. Whether its trying to get it on with her when you’re not capable or pissing on the wall (or in her dresser drawer or on the dog or…) or throwing up in her bedroom floor, nothing good will come of it. Its a guaranteed piss-your-girl-off move. No wonder she wants some time to be pissed at you. “Break,” as she seems to be defining it, means “I don’t want to deal with you while I’m still pissed about this.” Not so much “let’s not date” or “you’re a fucking alcoholic and need help.”

Call her, talk to her, make sure she knows you’re really sorry and that this won’t happen again. You can be sorry as you can be, but if it happens again its a sign that you learned nothing from this situation and its consequences and it’ll probably end your relationship. Flowers are a good thing, just so long as you don’t always reserve them for times when you need to apologize and special occasions. If you learned your lesson, tell her so. It can be a step forward in your relationship.

FYI people, @Kardamom, @BarnacleBill in particular, you need to look up the definition and parameters of “alcoholic” before accusing people of being one. As presented, this guy does not qualify for that accusation. At all. Its like you didn’t read a word he wrote past “what I did when I was drunk” and missed every other part of the question. Unhelpful, to say the very, very least.

@Kardamom You go from “It sounds like you have a drinking problem” to “You definitely have a drinking problem” in no time flat with little to no evidence of either. You had a decent answer otherwise, but your insistence on something that you’re making up with no regard to the situation mentioned in the question invalidates anything worthwhile that you had to say. If you’re a teetotaler who thinks that anyone who drinks anything has a drinking problem, that’s your issue. But telling people that they have problems with alcohol, and that their SO probably does too, seems out of line in a situation like this.