How would you handle this in life?

Why is she unable to be physical with you?...have you talked to her about it and if so what was her thoughts about it?

@xjustxxclaudiax – His wife has health issues; I’m assuming that’s what he’s talking about.

I wish I could give you some advice, @Summum. I understand that everyone has needs, but how do you satisfy them in your situation without being unfaithful? I’m interested to see what others have to say.

She really is unable too and yes we have talked many times over. I hold her and kiss her and some touching but very little. She was in the hospital for almost a solid year and almost died 6 times and I wouldn’t even try to risk anything for her.

I’m so sorry that the both of you have to go through this…I really wish I could help, but all I can do is hope that you can stay strong for her…I’m sure she needs you more than anybody and I’m pretty sure she’s grateful for everyday that spent with you.

I can’t imagine being in your position for as long as you have been. I have dealt with a year long separation from my husband while he was deployed and we each had to handle things ourselves during that time. One thing that I feel really helped us be connected was talking while doing it and writing letters/emails back and forth that were flirty/dirty. We would both be doing it (handling ourselves) at the same time, but something about talking to each other and talking each other through it (for lack of a better description) really helped with the intimacy aspect of things for me (since we physically couldn’t touch).

I don’t know what all you’ve tried in the past, but perhaps there are little things that she could do that might help. It depends greatly on her abilities and her personality, but could she maybe write something for you? Maybe something like what she wishes she could do to you/for you. Depending on her physical abilities, could she maybe do a photo shoot of sorts for you?

I hope you can figure out some things that will help with what you are going through. Good luck!

It just gets tough sometimes to keep going. She just went through a surgery where they took all of her large intestines out and reconnected her plumbing so that is a help. There really is so little of her left. She is so skinny and some say she looks like she is going through cancer treatments. She is getting better and there is hope this will be better within a year or so. But man it is rough to keep waiting and having other things come up to keep her down more. It just is getting to me today sorry if I am over reacting but I just needed to vent.

@Summum It’s important for you to take care of yourself during all of this as well. Not just sexually either, but mentally, emotionally, and physically. Perhaps it’s not just the sexual stuff that is really bringing you down. Do you do anything for yourself to get a break from caring for your wife? Perhaps a good guys night out (or whatever you would enjoy) would be really good for you right now. It really sounds like it’s care giver role strain, not just the handling yourself that could be getting to you.

I’m headed home for the weekend so I hope you give me some answers when I come back on monday. Thank you for your support.

There was a rift with her family when they came into my home while she was nearly on deaths door and took pictures of a messy house and shared it with her family. It really got me upset and I have taken them out of my life. So there has been NO help and I mean NO help from any family or relatives. I have not been able to do much before but now I am able to go around because she is not so critical. There was a time I was taking care of multiple drains in her body, feeding tube in her small intestine, open wounds with suction machines on them, changing her dressings and taken care of her waste material that was being captured by a ostomy bag on her side. She has even lost her belly button from all the surgeries.

You’re a strong man. I wish you the best.

It really sounds like you need a break. It really sucks that you have had no help and I hope you can find a way to still take care of yourself during all of this. Take care!

One thing is to never lose hope, and hang on there…It’ll all get better, you’ve done so much for her and I’m sure someone up there is watching you and will one day reward you for all the good that you’ve done…If anytime your feeling discouraged, you have all us jellies here on fluther that will be willing to try to do anything in our power to make things easier for you. If you ever feel the need to vent, just let it all out and we’ll be here to listen and to help. Hold on there buddy….You have such a big heart…it hard to believe your chest can hold such huge amounts of love. The world needs more men and women like you….Vent anytime you want as much as you want buddy, we’re here.

Most insurances either help pay for or at least give recommendations for respite care. That is, someone (qualified) will come in for a day or a weekend or even a week (not sure exactlly how often) to take care of your wife while you go out and do some things. Talk with your wife’s doctor or contact a rep from the insurance company to see if there is any respite care available.

Talk to some of your male friends, explain the situation and ask some of them to come over (not necessarily at the same time) during some periods where you know your wife will be resting or sleeping just to hang out. Maybe you guys can watch a movie or play cards or catch a game (as long as your quiet and make sure that your wife is being taken care of).

There are also some websites that sell “sex toys” for a lack of a better word. Not sure what state you live in, but some states actually have antiquated laws against purchasing “sex toys” or bringing them into your state by mail. I was listening to a radio program with a woman who owns one of these online stores (if I can remember where I heard it I’ll try to track it down for you) but she had all sorts of things that were specifically for designed for single people to use by themselves for situations such as yours. I don’t think anyone would blame you or give you grief (at least no fluthers would) for using some toys and some light porn and magazines to “handle yourself.”

Find out exactly what your wife can tolerate. Can you give her gentle kisses on the mouth or other parts of her body? Can you gently rub her feet or her temples or her back or her breasts? If she literally can’t have any touching because of the pain (or if she has lost her desire) ask her ok if it’s ok if you “handle yourself” in front of her. If she is able and willing to talk to you in a “romantic” way this could help. If even this is not possible, then make a conscious decision to “handle yourself” out of sight and sound of your wife. But do your darndest to think of it in a positive way. For instance Tuesday nights will be your special alone time in another room. Don’t ever feel badly about having to do that.

If you actually have other time to do activities, make sure as many of those activities as possible are physical: running, walking, biking, kickboxing, karate, football, soccer etc. can take some of the edge of the physical tension.

You also might want to start doing yoga and or see a hypnotist to see if they can help you with the stress.

And this may sound silly to some people, but bonding with animals (even though it has nothing to do with sex at all) can be a way to simply get some physical affection and love, without having to resort to cheating or hooking up with a prostitute. Just petting a dog or a cat is very pleasant and comforting. You probably have too much responsibility on your hands right now to get a pet for yourself, but maybe one or more of your friends would let you visit with their pets or you could volunteer a day at the local animal shelter to walk, groom and socialize the animals.

I know they have people that are sexual surrogates that teach people who have been abused or have other sexual problems. This is not exactly the situation that you have, but I wonder if you could speak to someone who specializes in sexual surrogacy to see what other kinds of services they offer. I guess I’m sort of suggesting something like a “legitimate prostitute” if there even is such a thing. If you had some type of regular person that you saw on a regular basis, someone who gets their physical selves tested regularly maybe this would be ok. I think this idea would be a last resort, but not the worst thing on earth. What do the other fluthers think about this?

Here’s a blog called Sickpartners.com that I just found here that deals with this exact subject. Maybe you can go on there and ask the doctors some questions.

You are doing the best you can and we are here to try to help you. Please update us on this situation. We might be able to come up with some better answers down the line. :-)

I am so sorry that you and your wife are going through this prolonged ordeal.

You really need some relief and help and respite. There are charities that can provide you some help. Please don’t hesitate to contact them.

Here is a site that offers some tips and support.

You are a man regardless of whether you get sex. If you are a monogamous person, you need to stay that way if you love your wife. This is a tough situation though. I tell my partner that if I’m ever in that kind of a condition and he wants to have sex with someone, he may. Well, he may anyhow but especially then. I don’t believe in having him give up sex because I might have to.

Discuss this issue with your respective doctors. There are methods that can be used to help.

Thank you everyone I’m back from a long weekend and am ready for this week to get started. I thank you for all your thoughtful and caring responses and I’m doing a little better just being able to vent to you all. I will stay faithful to my wife but it has been a very tough struggle to say the least. I was quite down last friday when I wrote this DB. I do so appreicate that there are still people in this old world that actually take to the time to care. THANKS