I don't want to hurt my parents, but I need to leave at 18.Does this seem like the right choice?

I am so sorry you’re going through this.

Is there an adult that you know your parents trust that you can tell your situation to? Someone needs to have a sit down with them both and have a mature, adult-to-adult conversation about what they do and don’t have the right to say to you, even if you are living in their house. At your age, your romantic life is not his business. At your age, restricting your movements is abusive. Making your brother spy on you is abusive to both of you. You’re at the point in your life where you’re supposed to be learning how to form relationships with people who aren’t your family. Somehow, they don’t appear to understand this.

I was abused in this manner by my caretaker as well, and it was only after I left university did I find out there was at least one adult friend of my guardian’s who would have advocated on my behalf if I’d only told her what was going on. But I was scared I’d “get in trouble”, so I didn’t. What I didn’t realize at the time (and what no one told me) was that at 16/17, you’re not really a child anymore and you ARE free to start asserting some independence from your parents. So let me tell you, you’re on the right track, you just need some help.

Your father’s actions are about him retaining his control and power over you. Ugly, but there it is. What your mom says is unhelpful, to say the least. Please find an adult you can trust to hash over these issues and come up with a plan to help yourself. Maybe you can stay with your friend for a few days, or a couple of weeks, at least enough time to give you and your dad some breathing room. Maybe your friend’s mom can talk to your parents and let them know that it’s just about time for them to let go.

It sounds to me like your parents are being good parents, and you – through the veil of a teenager, abhor their every move.

A word to the wise, milk them for everything you can. Get their help for going to college. Don’t expect it simply because you’re their child – once you leave you’ve made the statement that you are an adult.

Adults feed themselves. Adults live in their own abode. Adults work jobs. Adults have bills to pay, and on time. Bad adults don’t pay bills on time, bad adults go hungry or party too much to where they can’t pay their bills, bad adults don’t work, bad adults live with friends, mooching off of them.

The type of teenager who wants to live on their own and will be successful understands these things and is ready to tackle life head-on. You, on the other hand, are making this decision based on hurt feelings, feelings of frustration for not being allowed to do what you want, and feeling insulted.

I highly doubt that your father is as bad as you make him out to be, simply from your narrative. He has likely made these decisions because he’s seen how little progress you’ve made since age 10.

If you are going to leave and are prepared to accept the responsibilities of being an adult then you don’t need to sneak out in the night like a thief. Ask your friends mother to come and collect you and help you move your stuff. That way your parents are less likely to make a scene in front of someone else.

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation! While I was reading I got the impression that your dad only wants the best for you! I do not like how he called you “whore”, but I think he only wants the best for his little girl.
I would understand leaving, but I think you should tell your mom at least, and possibly your dad will alter his attitude.
Best of luck,
Edimarco93

Your father does sound very controlling, my father was strict and I moved out at 17. I feel they were not as close, or helpful with my upbringing to the point I felt very lonely. My father was not around much but when he was he would even go through my garbage, threatened with putting bars on my windows and so on. I did not receive much guidance either. Neither parent pushed me that school was most important. I was never asked about my dreams. I honestly mostly felt like a burden. Anyway my parents were almost ecstatic that I was the last child on my way out and let me leave. I had grade 10. I got pregnant and had my daughter 1 month after my 18th birthday. I wish when I wanted to focus I was praised more often. I also wish I had of been given something else to focus on. Anyway I wasn’t, and life was always a struggle after I moved out even after I ended up finishing school and getting honors in interior decorating. I finally found some place when I married my husband a goal someone who wanted to work with me and praised me essentially all that I never got as a child. But it worked out awesome until he passed away, now I’m back at struggling.
I think just remember if you move out that life is filled with struggles and challenges similar to what your home life is like now, one difference, promise of a roof and bills paid and food to eat is what you are paying for now not in a nice way. Maybe you should talk to someone at your school about how your treated sometimes a slight kick in the butt (your dads) can even be sufficient. Also get started first, find your own way to a job. It’s not fun and games once you hit the real world.
So what’s wrong with your dad? Does he like walk by your room while your half asleep and call you a slut? He probably is saying these things when he gets angry not out of the blue? He obviously can’t put his foot in his mouth…when he says that, insist that you are not a slut, fight back but in a manner that you are fighting for peace and mutual respect. If you run now without working through it you will do that your whole life when things don’t go your way, and people (not always) can be much more cruel than your father. Think hard about it. I wish you luck.

Your parents will not send you away to school? That is an important part of the growing up process. If that is not an option finding a job and moving out as soon as possible may be a valid choice. If they care about you getting ahead in life, maybe after you have proven yourself responsible in an independent living situation they will change their minds about letting you go away to school.

While I can empathise with the frustration you are feeling and the desire to be free, think carefully before you act. Your parents don’t have the right to verbally abuse you nor to control your every move. However, if you leave you need to be able to support yourself, to have a plan in place about how you will continue your education (how will you pay for this?), where you will live in the long term. Your friend’s mum might be willing to have you stay there long term, and it might work out fine, but it might not. If you burn your bridges at home, what will you do if things don’t work out with your friend?

I agree with the suggestion from Aprilsimnel that you need to get someone your parent’s trust onside and ask them to speak to them with you there. To be a voice of reason. It would be better for you if you can get a part time job, and start putting plans in place to become independent with your parent’s blessing. I feel you love your parents and don’t want to hurt them, you just want your space and the right to see friends, date and do the things young people of your age do. In the end though, they are your family and if you run away (which is what you are doing) it may be very difficult to go back.

Is there a counsellor you can speak to at school? It would be good to speak to someone who can put you in touch with support services, give you information about scholarships for college and other tips to help you plan to move out and become independent safely. Don’t rush into a decision now that could make your life very hard in the future. Be strategic.

I had a situation growing up that was similar to yours in some ways. It was intolerable and toxic, and I took off as soon as I could. I used to go stay at my grandparents’ place on the weekends, and what I did each week for several months was to pack an extra bag or tuck a few things in with the laundry I would take to my grandparents’ and leave them there. I turned 18 in the April of that year, waited a little longer until I could graduate high school, and took off the day after graduation. I didn’t speak to my mom for years.

Sometimes you can’t get your parents’ blessing, and it sounds like your father is a poisonous, controlling freak (if you are portraying him at all accurately). If you can find a safe haven to move to, like I did with my grandparents, I would suggest doing that for a while and using that as a springboard. A note of caution: since you haven’t been allowed to test your wings, so to speak, you haven’t had a lot of the traditional stepping-stones to adulthood, and it might be a harsh slap in the face to experience it all-at-once with no family there to back you up. Usually, you might have job experience (and therefore some financial experience) before leaving home. Also, traditionally, freedoms are given to teens as they prove they are ready for them (like a lengthening curfew, perhaps driving privileges, and some social maturity that comes with being allowed to go out unsupervised at times) that sort of prepares people to leave the nest and have a good handle on the world. It sounds like these milestones have been largely forbidden to you, so be careful.

It’s a big scary time, made bigger and scarier than most people go through. It will be hard to go it alone, but if you make it, you will be that much stronger for the rest of your life. Having a trusted person (who is more beholden to you than your friend is) would make all the difference.

It seems to me that you should leave. From the tone of what you have written, I get the sense that you do have the required maturity and sense of responsibility. Try to work out a plan of what you are going to do. How will you pay your expenses? Will it be possible to go to college?

You should not have a confrontation with your parents. Your father does not seem like someone who can be reasoned with. Leave behind a note explaining your reasons for leaving. Filter out the anger. Do not say anything hurtful. Just make it clear that you think that you have not been treated fairly and that your father’s evaluation of you is incorrect.

It will not be easy. For what it is worth, you can count on the community here for advice and support.