Why does this keep happening in my relationships?

Why not just stay friends for a while?...I mean a while like I’m talking 5 or 6 months….Just to get to know them better. I realized that when there’s no strings attached, the only thing keeping two people together is just friendship…and the important thing about friendship is that you both have to get along in order to make it a great friendship…and possibly a good relationship. Don’t rush through things, get to know the person, understand why he does the things he does. And same goes for you, let him understand why you do the things you do..and work on it.

The only consistent element in all your failed relationships is you. It looks to me like you are afraid of commitment and are subconsciously sabotaging your relationships. Get over your issues, or get over your desire for a stable relationship.

Welcome to Fluther.

You didn’t say how old you are and truly what I’m going to say only has an apparency of being ‘age-related’, because it always ‘seems’ that way but you’re just immature. It’s okay, everyone is for a shorter or longer period in their lives. If you’re lucky and work at it, and simply by asking this question it seems that you’re headed in the right direction, then you’ll grow out of that.

Until you do, not falling in love right away but being friends for a long while, as @xjustxxclaudiax suggests, is a good idea.

Anytime I shoved away a guy I really liked, or perhaps even loved, it was because I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I was built this way. I can’t do serious long term relationships. If the relationship is serious then we are going to get married. At the time I was pushing away I wasn’t ready to settle down.

When the guy came along at the right time and I was ready to settle down: we did. And we’ve been married for nearly 17 years.

You may want to do some work on what scares you about committing. Your fears could be valid and you may just need some time. Then again your fears could be not so valid.

Welcome to Fluther :-)

I’ve been in the same position, pushing some really amazing guys out of my life. I just was not ready for a commitment and no matter how nice, how attractive, how good the guy was to me, I broke off with them and moved on without looking back. When the time and the guy is right, it will happen for you.

There is always the possibility that you have poor self-esteem. When you have that, you don’t think you deserve a good relationship. Usually you figure that the guy is going to catch on sooner or later that you’re just not good enough. So rather than wait for them to cut you loose, you cut them loose because it is just too stressful to wait for the ax to fall. If you control it, you may lose out on some good stuff, but at least you have protected yourself from the really bad stuff.

It’s a common pattern. I’m really good at it. But I’m learning how not to be like that and I’ve also learned where that comes from.

A lot of people who push away perfectly good loves are perfectionists. Now you might think this means they would be looking for the perfect lover, and to some degree, this is how it is expressed. However the truth is that, if you are one of these people, you are the one who needs to perfect yourself, and until you do, you will subconsciously feel like you do not deserve a love. You will continue to sabotage relationships.

The feeling of being inadequate and needing to be perfect in order to deserve happiness and love comes from the way you are treated as a child. It comes from the expectations parents put on their children. It comes from a lack of feeling that one is loved.

It also can come from brain chemistry. Many of us are kind of at a disadvantage because low self-esteem is built right into our brain chemistry. Fighting that usually takes therapy and perhaps meds.

Maybe none of these things fits you. Maybe a few do. Maybe all of them do. I don’t know. As you say, intimate details are not important. I don’t think you’re right about that, but I do respect the need for privacy. In any case, I hope that I’m completely wrong because dealing with these kinds of problems is seriously difficult work. On the other hand, feeling ok about yourself and what you do, and letting yourself love and be loved without feeling it is too dangerous—definitely worth the work!

Good for you on recognizing your pattern, and working on overcoming it! It really may be that no matter how great the guy, he just isn’t the one for you. Not the one you love with all your heart, no reservations. But if it’s not that, getting to the bottom of this is a great move. Have you considered counseling to try to get at the root cause?

You are correct, the problem is you. My daughter is the same way. I love her to death, but she has never found Mr. Right, after 5 failed marriages. Yes, I said 5. We have never lost faith in her and she know this. The same applies to you. I have told my daughter many times, that she is going to have to give her 50%, if a relationship is to survive. She, like you, has finally admitted that 90% of her failed marriages, were her fault.

Sit back and examine why your relationships have failed. You will never find and keep Mr. Right, if you do not give your 50%.

Yah girls seem to be bad at this stuff. Without far more detail and time though, I doubt anyone is going to be able to help you. It could be as simple as you’re just not mature enough for a relationship like that yet, though if its already happening with this third person and that relationship isn’t serious yet… that raises questions about that idea.

It could be any number of more deeply rooted problems you may have. Maybe there was something in your parents actions or personalities that had an effect, or some other family member. Maybe something happened to you when you were young thats had a greater effect on your personality than you realize even… but without delving into your personal life and history, we can’t very well address that (not that any of us would be qualified to).

It could be as simple as you have set some kind of standard in your head to be “too” perfect… and when things don’t live up to it 100%, which they inevitably cannot, you get upset. Like you said, relationships aren’t all unicorns and rainbows… in fact often they’re not. The trick is finding happiness out of it, and truly wanting to be with someone even knowing their faults.

Just be careful what you do about new guys. I dunno how these guys in your life feel, but I know I personally had my heart torn out a few months back, and it has drastically effected me in all fronts of my life…. even new relationships…... Its an empty, sad, confused feeling I wish no one ever had to go through….... so try not to put someone through it huh? lol

I don’t think that it’s a self-esteem issue so much as a huge commitment issue. I don’t know why I’m so terrified of it, yet I want some sort of commitment. As terrible and immature as this sounds, it’s like I want the guys to be 100% committed to me, while I’m allowed to do what I want. That basically sums it up as immature. I’m in college, and have been for a while, so between 18–21 is when these relationships have occurred (although the first started around 16). Some days I feel really good about where I stand, and other days I’m just not so sure. I have a feeling that all of the pressure of school is not helping my mental state much, however.

Just stay single for a while. Focus on school and yourself. Right now you are not ready for a relationship, like it or not. Gain some confidence and self discipline. If your interested in a guy, be friends with him. Get to know him. Let him get to know you. Get comfortable with each other, if you guys end up being close friends, talk about your problems and get his opinion and work on it. Maybe he can help…But don’t rush through things, the last thing you want to do is mess things up being impatient. And not only that, spend time with your other friends, friends that are girls. And talk to them about it, maybe they can help too.

I would suggest that this issue is complicated, and from the looks of it goes far deeper and has more details than you want to divulge here (which is understandable). I would suggest that you find someone you trust, who knows the details or you’d feel comfortable telling the details, and talking with them about this. Even if they don’t make suggestions and just listen, it can be very helpful… and they may be able to kick you in the ass if its something simple.

The short and sweet of it, we’re all trying to give you good advice, but we don’t know all the details… and you should probably seek advice from someone who does.

Fear of commitment can be fear of loss. But again, that goes back to self-esteem. You want to be absolutely guaranteed that they will stay with you. Yet you require 100% commitment as your standard. Why are you terrified? Are you afraid you’ll not be able to survive a loss?

You hint of a double standard—like they must totally commit to you, but you don’t have to totally commit to them. This suggests that you don’t trust men, and you’re always looking and trying to keep your options open.

What I wonder about is why you feel such pressure to mate. Are you putting it on yourself, or is it coming from someone else? It is perfectly fine to have relationships without a huge commitment at your age. In fact, I think it is biologically normal, even if it isn’t necessarily socially acceptable. Still, if you’re not married and not in any committed relationships, then it is fine to have any number of boyfriends.

You’re hard at work in school and feeling a lot of pressure from that point. I give you permission to stop worrying about relationships right now so you can focus on your work.

I’m joking, of course. My point is that only you can let go of your expectations, and I think you would benefit strongly by letting go of the idea you’re supposed to be in a committed relationship right now.

It also may not hurt to not let relationships be more serious than they really are. My most recent g/f did that with us. I mean don’t get me wrong, it was serious and we’d been together a while, and it had that “marriage potential.” But I was not even remotely considering that, and was just enjoying it as it was. That seriousness, among a bevy of other issues I won’t get into here, helped lead to her leaving me.

You are so right in realizing life and relationships are far from days of magic and wonder or Innocence and dreams.
The chemical high that you ride at the beginning of a relationship can last from days, weeks, or the year plus you mention. Then one day…“ho-hum”, bored, NEXT!
It will happen when its right. It would be good to look into yourself as it sounds like you are to determine if there are any blocking things from your past or “family of origin” events. Knowing if there are things like dealing with sudden loss, abandonment, etc can help. But I don’t want to guess as there is only a few paragraphs to go on.
Its far better to get bored and break it off and have some learning takeaways, then add a marriage into it and then realize you are bored.
Take your time, learn yourself, Find out what you need and what floats your boat.
Make sure you are happy with you….

@blueiiznh I think your last sentence is a big problem. I don’t know if I’m happy with myself, because I’ve hardly been single for long since I turned sixteen years old. I wonder if it’s possible to find myself out while in a relationship if I perhaps just cool it down a bit.. That’s my hope at least, that I can grow with him instead of away from him.

To all—no serious family issues in my past. Happily married parents for 25+ years, stable home, middle class… good college, great life.. no major issues. I feel like my lack of major life issues may be causing me to create problems that are not there rather than appreciating all that is there.

@nir17 Its a difficult thing to accomplish. My X was trying to “grow” while she was with me, or at least I thought she was. It clearly didn’t work and I am where I am today.

Television sells young girls on the the idea of prince charming, but reality hands you a man. The same thing is true with guys; lots of guys won’t commit because “something better” might be around the corner.