Does anyone know any funny jokes?

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

“Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot sitting in a cage. “Did you say that?”, he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Clarence,” replied the bird.

“Clarence?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of asshole would name a bird Clarence?”

“The same assholes that named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

Here are some good ones.

If you like offensive jokes, see here (and when I say offensive, I mean offensive, so view at your own risk).

Oh go on then, if you insist :¬)

A bloke arrives at a nightclub door & the bouncers say he can’t come in without a tie.
So he goes to the boot of his car & takes out a pair of jump leads & wraps them around his neck.
“Can I come in now?” he says to the doormen.
To which they reply…..“Yeah, but don’t start anything.” Kinda funny & clean too, which is nice :¬)

I have one:

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, “Guess what guys, I’ve won a trip to see the Pope!”
Everyone gets all excited and chants, “We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.”
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, “Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!”
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, “Do you have a question to ask me, young man?”
Dopey looks up shyly and says, “Well, yes.” The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, “Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?”
The Pope replies,”Well, yes, I’m sure we have nuns in Alaska.” The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, “Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!”
The Pope asks Dopey if there’s more to his question, and Dopey continues, “Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?”
To which the Pope replies, “Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.”
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, “Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!”
The Pope asks Dopey, “Is there still more to your question?”
To which Dopey replies, “Well, uh, yeah….. are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?”
The startled Pope replies, “Well, no, my son, I really don’t think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.”
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colours, and the others start laughing, and yelling, “Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!”

Funny you should mention dwarfs.

I have a great business plan, building a host of bungalows exclusively for dwarfs. There’s just one tiny flaw…...

@lovespurple There are no penguins in Alaska.

@bob *I meant Antarctica..

XD

But how did Dopey get to Antarctica? Doesn’t matter…still very funny!

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
“Okay,” I said. “You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I’m never gonna give you Up.”

Q: What do lawyers and catfish have in common?

A: Their both slimy bottom feeders.

@Sueanne_Tremendous umm he took an airplane? duh.

What do you call a skinny aussie girl with chalk on her head?
A Barbie-cue.
They say being a hostage is tough.
Shit, I could do that with my hands tied behind my back

Q: What are the super mario bros. favorite item of clothing?
A: Denim, denim, denim.

Q: Whats green and lives in my basement?

A: My gimp, and i’ll paint him any colour i damn well please.

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?\
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
DAM!!!

That is the first “grown up” joke I told my kids. :)

@Dutchess_III hahaha that’s a good one.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

A man goes into a bar with a roll of ashphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender, a beer please, and one for the road…...............

Q: Whats the difference between a hindu and a matayogi?

Now you have to answer here by saying “whats a matayogi?”

And i say “well I dunno Bobo….. but it looks like someones stolen our picnic basket!”

@Harold Oh GA!!!! I had to read it 5 times! I get it….
@Arbornaut Groan! That’s a knock knock joke!

How offensive and off-topic can we get?
Either way, here’s one: Two guys are in a bar. One is particularly drunk. This bar happens to overlook a cliff. It is also storming pretty hard outside. The drunk guy says to his pal “y’know, I bet the wind out there is so strong, if I jumped off that cliff the wind would catch in my jacket and carry me back up.” The Second guy says “Are you kidding?! You’d fall to your death. So the first guy goes out, aiming to prove him wrong, and leaps from the cliff. The wind catches in his jacket, and he glides back up. The second man was astounded and asked him to repeat the feat. He jumped, and sure enough the wind carried him back up. The second man thought it was safe, so he readied himself, lept from the cliff, and fell to his death. The first man walked back inside, laughing, and the bartended says to him “You know, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk superman.”

@Joker94 lol I like that one..

@lovespurple Thanks!

“He’s not a complete idiot, there’s still some missing parts!”

@Michael_Huntington Love itttttt

So this fire fighter is in the fire station polishing his engine. He looks outside and sees a little girl walking by with a shiny red wagon, wearing a fireman’s hat. She has hung ladders on the sides of the wagon, and there is a coil of rope in it. The wagon is being pulled by the girl’s cat and dog. The firefighter looks closer and sees that the rope is tied to the dog’s collar, but to the cat’s testicles.

“That’s a nice fire engine you’ve got there, little lady.” He says. “However, don’t you think it’d go a little faster if you tied the rope to the cat’s collar as well?” “Yes,” she says, “but then we wouldn’t have a siren!”