Can you help with my friends "loaded question"?

Menopause.

Without knowing how old she is or whether she has any health issues, I’m inclined to agree with @YoBob. It may be something as simple as hormonal changes that have messed with her libido.

There are so many things. Without more details, it could be anything. That’s for him and her to figure out.

I don’t know what he said to you that made you hesitate to give him an answer…if there isn’t any more that you’re not saying, she’s going through something – and it may or may not be in reaction to something he did.

However, it’s not fair for her to “decide” to do that without expecting that it will negatively impact, if not end, their relationship. If this is something that he can accept, that’s great. If it’s not…he needs to see what he can do to get her passed this.

is there Viagra for women?...maybe she needs that?

I’d ask him what she is mad at him about.
It could be something he did or has done and continues to do that has her seething.
Maybe he is an inconsiderate lover.
Does he bathe and brush his teeth?
Is he a selfish SOB?
Is she bored?
Does she have another lover?
There are alot of things,but my vote goes to bored & mad. “BM” XD

My vote is she is getting some side action or is getting ready to pack her bags for greener pastures!

Has she started exercising and losing weight? If yes, then I agree with @Cruiser .

First of all, menopause made my wife more… juicy, as I think of it. It’s a good thing. I’ve heard that older women do get more interested in sex just when their men are getting less able to perform, if not less interested.

There can be physical reasons for not wanting sex any more, and there can be emotional reasons. I know more about the emotional reasons. Women need to feel connected to their lover. Love making needs to take time, so she can get aroused. If the man is a “slam, bam, thank you Ma’am” type, she may just be fed up with him.

If they have been arguing more, or disagreeing on more things, that could cause it. If they never do anything together any more, that could cause it. Anything kind of gradual growing apart can result in withholding behavior.

There are also physical reasons, as I mentioned. She could be in pain. She may not be getting aroused. She might have any number of “female problems.”

Depending on the symptoms, different solutions would be indicated. How close are you to this guy? What kind of relationship do you have? Would it be possible to probe further? If you can’t, you might check out this I Live In a Sexless Marriage group. There are a gazillion stories there and some might help him understand his plight better. He might even get some ideas about what to do.

It could be that sex has become uncomfortable for her. Sometimes menopause results in vaginal dryness. That causes painful pulling during sex.

If they can talk about it (either with or without a therapist), perhaps some lubrication could help.

It may be that she never liked sex and just decided the time has come when she doesn’t have to do it anymore.

What he needs to do is talk to her and question her reasons. Then based on her answers, you and perhaps we can help him some more.

Unfortunately, menopause is one of those “your mileage may vary” things. Also complicating the issue is that the whole para-menopause thing can drag on for years with various hormonal consequences throughout.

It could either be menopause/hormonal issues or it could be that she is incredibly pissed off about something that she hasn’t voiced her anger over, and she is subconsciously witholding sex because of the unresolved issues.

I’m just going to copy and paste @lucillelucillelucille ‘s answer because it is exactly what I was going to write only she spells better than I do.
edit: added more of my own thoughts at the end of lucille’s.

“I’d ask him what she is mad at him about.
It could be something he did or has done and continues to do that has her seething.
Maybe he is an inconsiderate lover.
Does he bathe and brush his teeth?
Is he a selfish SOB?
Is she bored?
Does she have another lover?
There are alot of things,but my vote goes to bored & mad. “BM” XD”

Bored, mad, turned off by his hygiene or the way he treats her.
I would also add, does he call her a bitch in the morning and expect her to have sex with him later that day?
Does he never apologize for being a jerk?

He won’t admit to any of these things if he does them, but if you ask, you might get your answer from reading his expression.

Any woman who loves her partner and is treated well by him/her, will do her best to have sex at least sometimes, even if she doesn’t really want to, or gets no enjoyment from it.
We can do that.
We can fake it, we can pretend, we can even be honest about why we are having sex. The fact that she won’t even have sex now and then, just to make him happy is not a good sign.

How long ago did she decide to stop having sex with him? If it was relatively recently, say, in the past three months or so, she might be pregnant. Sometimes, a woman going through menopause can still get pregnant. Of course, if she hasn’t gone through menopause, this may be a bigger possibility. Along the same line of thought, maybe she did get pregnant but had a miscarriage and didn’t want to tell your friend.

Other possibilities might be that she started taking medication or stopped taking medication. Has anything changed with your friend? Maybe something changed with him that he hasn’t noticed but she has noticed. Ask your friend about the possibilities listed here and let us know what happens please.

There is no reason to assume infidelity just because…they have to talk about it..

I agree @Simone_De_Beauvoir. If she doesn’t want to have sex with him doesn’t mean she is getting it someplace else. She might not want to have sex with anyone.

I wil say after my hysterectomy, things changed. I actually felt pain during sex, enough to go to the obgyn. For reference, I am 39. It isn’t so much age, it was a situational thing.

Also, depression has a huge effect on sex drives.

@john65pennington Did she annouce this decision or it simple just started to happen?
Guess work will not help. He simply has to ask in a constructive way.
He needs to openly ask his wife and in a caring fashion. Your friend needs to make sure he conveys that it is a concern. Once an open dialogue can it be unwraveled.
There is nothing wrong with him asking about something that is a meaningful show of affection and care in each other.
If done in this way, one would think it may help find out why.
Simple caring goes a long way…

It seems like the real issue is that he and his wife are not talking about it.

Did he just retire? I wonder if he is not helping her at home- just being an Archie Bunker. Or feeling his oats at times of the day she feels are embarrassing, etc. The times I haven’t wanted to have sex with a man was because he wasn’t being caring about me. Maybe she just reached her ‘no more’ threshold.

@Cupcake FTW

I will never fail to be surprised at what couples won’t discuss with each other… that they’ll discuss with acquaintences.

Goodness, it could be almost anything!
– Hormonal changes associated with menopause
– Depression
– Side-effect of medications
– Fallen out of love with him
– He’s stopped bathing recently or gained a lot of weight
– Trying to punish him for bad behaviour
– She was faking it all along and no longer wants to
– etc.

As others have said, there’s really only one answer: your friend has to talk to his wife about it.

@Cupcake Touche’