What are some reasons someone would be 'hot and cold'?

Well , there’s the possibility of Borderline Personallity Disorder (although that’s a contentious diagnosis these days). BPD makes one swing wildly between “idealizing and demonizing others”.

Person fooling around on the side.

Person using you as the backburner good time buddy.

Person afraid having a great time means instant serious committment.

Excited, anxious, wary rebound relationship person.

When I was younger I sometimes flirted with a girl just go boost my ego. The conquest for me was feeling that I could have her if I wanted. If I was involved or persuing someone else at the time, that would be as far as I would go. It made me feel powerful if I thought I had a couple of girls in my back pocket. I was an asshole.

Another possibility to add to the others (which I agree with all of them)

Perhaps they suffer from periods of depression or insecurity.

I agree with @downtide

However! If someone is really interested in you I wouldn’t think that they would disappear for a great length of time…but then…I don’t know…. you would at least deserve a decent explanation!

I agree with the above… and also think it could be that the person is afraid of letting you too close.

RED FLAGS.

The person has issues. Stay away.

Well, I agree with you there. So, someone playing hot and cold is not really interested.

I’m just trying to understand why someone would go from really hot to really cold to really hot to really cold again.

@MissAnthrope this can be confusing as hell, and it’s not uncommon. The person is trying to figure out what they want. And it’s not about you, it’s about them.

Next time they come back after disappearing, tell them you “need a straight answer as to where they went and why, or else it’ll be goodbye and good luck right now”.

Don’t let them treat you poorly.

@MissAnthrope I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag… but it certainly could be. Would you be comfortable asking? Something along the lines of “gee… sometimes you seem into me, and other times you don’t. Is there something you would like me to interpret from this?”

@Cupcake – It’s not a bad idea and I thank you for the words (you may be aware that I have a really hard time putting things like that into words). I might use that in the future, but I’m hoping to not have to deal with this kind of thing anymore!

Don’t worry.. this isn’t really a pressing situation, just a question borne from recent experience. I’m not interested in the person anymore because, frankly, I’ve had a life’s fill of bullshit and I’m just not taking applications anymore. So, no worries, I am not bloodying my head against this particular wall.

I just have been perplexed by this behavior, I still am.. I don’t get it. So, I was curious if anyone could give me reasons why someone would act like this.

I have a history of pushing people away when they get too close, out of fear that I will let them in and they will leave or hurt me. I think it’s fairly common, actually.

I’m going to personally blame my family’s alcoholism and my parent’s divorce for my attachment issues.

The phrase ‘in two minds’ is very common and people often are in two minds when it comes to relationships as being in a relationship means giving up some freedom and can be kind of scary. You want the other person and yet you draw back and the more you desire the more you feel fearful. Better to stick with what you know, the safe and the familiar. Does anybody love anybody anyway.

There are some folks who like being chased and others who like to chase (this happens in dog world as well). Sometimes, when someone likes the chase, the conquest or potential conquest is a let down if it happens too soon.

Yeah, I’ve had that happen – it means they have no idea what they want and are scared of consistency. I’ve learned not to care so much and have been able to have some fun with that person because I have no expectations of them anymore. Granted, they won’t get ‘deep’ with me either, nor will I love them any longer. In another instance when this happened to me, it was because they had a lot of mental health issues.

Agree with a lot of responses here. Wouldn’t get too involved with a person blowing hot and cold. It’d be too draining. If it’s fun fine. If I’ve deeper feelings, I’d have to leg it :/

Person likes the NEW! factor of a new person. Once they feel like they understand you, they lose interest. It could be for a number of reasons, but probably the most common reason is that a relationship carries responsibilities – call, show up, do things you may not really want to do, etc.—and the person isn’t interested in thinking about anyone but themselves and their own needs, or they have no idea how to make and keep friends, and assume that acquaintances and friends are the same thing.

I’ve had this happen to me before. It left me quite hurt and confused, because I very much fell in love. She came to me, we met up, and things started very, very well. We were texting and calling each other, meeting 2–3 times a week. And then suddenly the person started drifting away, even seeming annoyed sometimes. Obviously every relationship, friendly or not, romantic or not, is different, so this is just one possible explanation, but when I questioned her at the end of it, she said there were external factors that forced her to distance herself. And then I moved away. Overall, it was quite the learning experience. Hope this helps!

This situation reminded me of 2 guys that I dated in the past. They really did an emotional number on me. I met both of them (un-related times and dates with many years in between them) and really hit it off, each of them persued me quite vigorously even though I had said that I needed to move a little slowly (I’m not a quick mover when it comes to romance). But I had tons of things in common with both of these fellows, but after we dated briefly and the romance started to get very intense, they dropped me abruptly. And both of them came back several times and started it up with me again and then when it got intense, dropped me again. It was awful! There were no explanations from either of these guys other than that they “didn’t feel the same way about me.”

@MissAnthrope Is this relationship all face to face or is it primarily internet based or text/cell based contact?

In this particular instance, it never got anywhere, so it was internet-based.

Then if they never took a step or effort to do anything more than that or if when it was talked or thought about and they would disappear, the answer is clear to me. They are not available and were only playing is my guess.

@MissAnthrope That’s because you weren’t talking to me!

Oh yeah? Well, maybe it’s because you weren’t talking to me!

hee hee