Death of my horse still bothers me. Is this normal?

There’s no “normal” in these situations. Give it whatever time it needs.

You probably would benefit from talking to a therapist or grief counselor. it sounds as if you have not given your grief expression.

It also doesn’t help that you did not get to say goodbye to her. Perhaps you could think of a ritual way to say goodbye. Perhaps write down all of your feelings about losing her in a letter to her. Then put the letter in a bowl and burn it outdoors where you can watch the smoke waft up into the sky to where it could reach your horse in heaven.

I think it is perfectly normal to feel grief over the loss of an animal that you have loved. And you can’t help but feel regret because of the circumstances in which you lost your horse. I have lost several animals over my lifetime and it has always caused me a great deal of pain. Not only for the fact that I am an animal lover by nature, but because I consider my pets as part of my family. You should never feel guilty about your pain, but you might need to get a little bit of help so that your grief doesn’t overwhelm the rest of your life.

Unfortunately a lot of people you will come into contact with, will not understand your feelings and might make you end up feeling worse, and then you might tamp down your thoughts and feelings and make yourself sick.

You might want to contact one of the many grief support groups online and talk with others who understand what you have gone through.

Here is one that has a lot of different categories, but if you scroll down you will see under “special situations” a section for people who have lost pets here

And Lightning Strike Pet Loss

And Pet Loss Support

If none of these groups seems right for you, simply Google “pet loss support groups” and other groups will come up.

Just know that we care about you and that there are people who you can talk to who will not only understand your pain, but may be able to help you to cope. And again, I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved horse. Maybe you could make some type of donation in your horses name (or offer to volunteer) to an organization that rescues horses, or just to any type of organization that helps animals, especially local organizations in your own community, they can always use the help. Good luck.

I would say three years is a little long if it is coming up in your thoughts very frequently. However, it is not odd to still feel some sadness at times, people usually describe it as coming in waves. Even 10 years after losing someone or something very important, when reminded we can be brought back to sad feelings; but again, it seems like you might be obsessing a little. Playing the tape over and over in your mind.

I think maybe you have not moved through all of the stages of grief yet. If you prefer not to see a therapist, you might want to take out a book about grief and loss. Possibly you are stuck in shock and sadness. Usually people moves through anger, and then acceptance. Acceptance is not only accepting she is gone, but accepting that events happened as they did, and we cannot control everything.

I remember once a Jelly wrote a question, she was very upset. She had swerved in her car so she would not have an accident, and the car behind her crashed right into what she swerved to avoid and the driver died. She had guilt that doing what was right for herself had indirectly killed someone else. Agonized that maybe something could have been different. This type of wanting things to have been different is almost universal, we all feel it in these situations, whether it be a crash, or taking care of a loved pet. Eventually you will feel better, you will be able to let yourself off the hook.

Sorry for your loss.

Gosh I felt this way over my parakeet! I came home from college to see the bird cage missing and when I asked and was told the bird had died a month ago…I was stunned especially that no one bothered to let me know this! I felt an emptiness for a long while over a cute little birdie and can empathize with the loss of your horse/friend/companion! Just remember and cherish the good times.

Of course it’s normal.

It’s absolutely normal.

Grief takes time. Parents who lose children never get over the loss. Your mare was very much like a child. Until you have another horse, or until you have your first child, I’m not sure the grief will be significantly lessened over time. You lost your baby, and worse, you never got to say goodbye or be there for her when she needed you.

Your parents handled this 100% wrong. It’s ok, they meant well. They made a mistake, and when you have kids, you’ll also make mistakes. So don’t be too hard on them.

So write about your feelings, like you have here. Talk about your feelings, with friends. Work through your feelings inside. Work through your feelings with others. Let the grief continue to run its course, but don’t expect it to subside until something is able to replace the hole that’s in your heart right now.

My heart goes out to you, Sarah Jane.

Yes, it is normal. I still feel grief and guilt over a dog I had as a child. I agree with the above post about your parents handling this horribly wrong.

Take all the time you need. Just make sure you talk or write about it ..you will work through it in time.

I understand how you feel, exactly. Hugs to you.

Yes, it is normal. If you were especially close to your horse [or in my case,cat] and even more if you did not get to be there in the end. I used the lightning strikes pet loss support mentioned by @Kardamom and fluther and another group I was in and I joined flickr to create a photo memorial [which brought the most solace and activated an interest in photography]. I still cry spontaneously, even sitting in the vet’s office waiting for the vet to see his equally loved sister. But there are more moments when I just fondly remember the times we spent together. And gradually that mode [fond remembrance] increases.
To Jaquito

First, im really sorry for your loss. I think this is normal I feel the same about my husband. Grief is basically the same. But if you feel like it’s too long and you can’t seem to get over it I think sometimes that means grief counselling could work well. It is perfectly normal to grieve over loss of special people or pets feel guilt and regret it’s all normal part of grieving. Everyone says grieving is different for everyone I don’t really think it is I just think some people grieve longer and feel things in different orders. But the actual symptoms of grief are all similar and if it goes on to long can end up into depression. But you are recognising how you feel so I think you should be ok. I have been told this…you will know when you feel better when the memories are easy to think about. I really wish you all the best.

I think it’s perfectly normal. Not only do you feel you let your horse down by not being there at the end, but the loss of the horse means the end of a chapter of your life that meant a lot to you. It may be a long time before you’re in a position to be able to show horses again, both from a time and financial perspective.

Perhaps if there’s a horse therapy program near your university, volunteering a weekend or two a month will help you connect with the good part of the memories of your horse and your time together. You will be able to help young riders the way people helped you, and you will be able to talk about your horse and how much you loved him, and riding, in an environment where that will be supportive and understanding of your attachment.

Have you ever read/seen “My Dog Skip” by Willie Morris? Reading about Morris’ attachment to his dog may help you with your feelings about your horse.

@BarnacleBill I think you are right, about being in a position to be able to have and show horses again. I think I am now starting to realize how much I do miss it, and how long it will be until I am able to be at that level again. That is definitely a contributing factor to feeling sad about the situation. The spending time with horses idea is a good one, I will have to find out if there is anywhere that I could go to that is close enough to where I live.

On the plus side – at least I could use being in the position to have horses again, as a motivation to do well while I’m studying, and try to put some sort of positive view on it.

And thank you everyone for your replies. It is nice to know that I am not necessarily alone with these kind of emotions.

I’m sure it’s way too late to answer this question, but if anyone reads this, I want to say it’s nice to know there are folks out there that understand grieving over the death of a horse. I lost a mare over 30 years ago and still whenever I see a big bay roan the first thought that comes to my mind is, “Is that Misty?”... I’ve had several horses in my life and have rescued over 50 and it’s not just a matter of getting another horse…you don’t always have that special connection with one and you can’t just go out and buy it..and lots of horse people never have that special connection with a horse…they love their horses, but sometimes there is just something beyond words that happens. For me it doesn’t have to do with any ribbons or even riding…I lost a horse I was very very close to this past year..he’d been sick with a bone infection for 6 years and I never even rode him but we were soooo close. He was my comfort and my joy.
I hope things are better now and you’ve been able to reconnect with some horses