What would be something, in word or in deed, that must be avoided at all costs on a wedding night?

Let’s go dig up my dead ex-wife and have a threesome….

“But your sister likes it a different way!”

Oh, and check out these The Top 14 Phrases to Avoid When Writing Your Own Wedding Vows.

Well, sweetheart, I know I didn’t tell you this, and I’m sorry, but my parents and the Archbishop are, er, rather, required to be here as witnesses. It’s the law, you see. We must prove to Parliament’s satisfaction that the marriage has actually been consummated. Yes, His Grace does have to put his face right there. No, please, my dear, it will be over faster if you just let my father put the enema where he wants to. Well, if my mother tells you to flap your arms, then I’m afraid it’s “flap, flap. flap”; that is, if you want to be Queen yourself someday.

Why, yes, that is an 1080p HD camera, why do you ask?

“Oh, a new position? Let me call my therapist first to see if he approves…”

Comparing your new bride’s ( or groom’s) sexual prowess with your past lovers.

@marinelife Even if it was to compliment me on being “better”, you’re quite correct – thinking about my new spouse in bed with someone else isn’t my idea of a fun wedding night.

“That’s not what my dad calls it.”

Honey, turn on the TV, will you? “La Cage Aux Folles” is on in 10 minutes.

Being so drunk from the reception that you pee the bed, and don’t know it.

But my all my old girlfriends would do it!!!

Groom: You looked like a holy cow walking down the aisle.

I forgot, the Kids in The Hall hit this already.

Excessive flatulence.
Passing out before sex.
Passing out during sex.
Impotence.

barfing…..on your new spouse

“Let’s go visit your new in-laws tomorrow, honey, but pack for a long trip. They’re 100 billion light years away.”

Do you have back from hundred?

Look down here honey, under my petticoat. See, I knew the day would come when same sex marriage would happen. I just beat the lawmakers to the punch by not tellin’ ‘em I was a dude! Heh heh.

Do you mind if we invite your dad in here? He was very instructional the last time we hooked up.

Your sister said you’d be willing to do this. She demonstrated for me how you two used to do accomplish this technique. if you’re too tired I can go get her.

Whew! Now I got me a legal baby daddy!

You’re not planning to put that in here are you? Don’t even think about it or I’ll call the police! What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?

I don’t really love you. This was just a set up for me by the witness protection agency. Thanks for letting me marry you so I can be called Smith instead of Funkelsteinberger. And yes that is a gun in my pocket, I’m not particularly happy to see you.

Addressing them by the wrong name while in a passionate embrace.