Am I being played with?

He’s just not that into you.

6rant6—then why not say so? He told me flat out last night when I gave him the opportunity to tell me he wasn’t into me that he wasn’t. He told me he WAS into me, and wanted to get to know me. Why say it if you don’t mean it. It would have been easier just to.

I don’t think I can answer your question regarding his intention, but as you know casual relationships that get too hot too fast burn out quickly. Not sure how physical the relationship got, but this could be a factor as well. Just focus on your own things and slow it down. Don’t worry about if he calls everday and just live your life. You have kids? Treasure your time with them. Just stop initiating and put the ball in his court. He may have not been honest because you flat out asked…he also may not even know his own intentions yet. It’s only been a week…..

@Mizbhayvin He might feel different later, why should he run you off? It’s nice to have someone show interest in you.

@6rant6 that’s what I was thinking also…

It could be that he met several people at the same time, and one of the others is more promising. But he doesn’t want to say that, in case it doesn’t pan out.

He is definitely afraid. But of what?

It might be committment. A lot of committment-phobes start great guns and then when you respond, they stop the chase. Their game is “chase”. Then, it is on to the next one.

Like @BarnacleBill said, if he is on the internet, or has another way of meeting women, he may have other women in the queue..but you don’t know that. He may want to string a few of you along, until he decides.

I once pushed the issue with a committment-phobe and wished I had not. He (in the end) made my life a living Hades. He did not have the emotional IQ or attention span to maintain scrambling an egg, much less handling a relationship. I got the “red flags” at the beginning (not answering the phone, making promises and not keeping them, telling me how much he loved me and then not calling me the next day or the next five days after that…) and I still thought, “Well, he did say that he wanted a relationship.” Guess what? People lie because they don’t want to look bad or they don’t want to make you angry. You must pay attention to what he does not what he says.

And, I have to say this….he said he was coming and didn’t call you?? That is downright rude. You really do deserve better. Do you want to be with such a rude guy? If you do….

As I told someone else (who was in a similar situation) just leave him alone. Let him come to you…if he comes to you, great. If he doesn’t, he just isn’t interested in you no matter what he told you. Why? A guy who really is interested, will make time for you….he will move heaven and earth to spend time with you. Or at least call you to say, “Hello.”

Are you being played? Only if you let him. Get out, go out…do something on your own. Don’t answer the phone. Let it go to voice mail. Get busy. Give him the space to figure things out. Don’t chase him, don’t confront him, just get on with your life…if he wants to come along to ride the train to somewhere with you, he will. Just don’t drag him to the station. He needs to buy his own ticket and choose to sit next to you on his own.

I think the real question is, is this how you want to be treated? Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can’t even get his act together to tell you he won’t be coming over? I am a great believer in the idea that people treat us how we allow them to treat us. If this isn’t how you feel you deserve to be treated, don’t accept it. Move on. Find a ‘man’ rather than a little boy to be around. Good luck (I think you deserve better).

daily communication involvement in the first week is a little too much. Who was initiating, you or him? If it was you, he may not be ready for that level of communication. Not everyone needs or wants to check in everyday!

Maybe that is something you can talk to him about, what you’re both comfortable with.

Are you sure he is single and unattached to anyone else??

Oh boy. I think I lived this relationship. Try this. Back off. Do not contact him, return calls or texts sporadically and without much enthusiasm. I’ll bet his interest increases. When it does, up your interest to match his again. I’m betting his interest will decrease.

He wants the chase and to know you’re into him, but he doesn’t want the relationship. You are his ego booster.

I think @Supacase is spot-on. He sounds either:
a) flaky
b) like after he spent some time with you (last Wed. to Tues.) his interest faded a bit
and/or
c) perhaps he’s seeing more than one person and you are his “back up” girl

Granted, I’m old..and my knowledge of dating is dated 10 years+ in the past..but, I had no tolerance back then for guys who’d say they were going to stop by and not show up.

Don’t waste your time with that guy. “Going too fast”, “I’m afraid” that’s just B.S.. Find someone who wants your company and enjoys being around a special like you. Forget that guy and move on.

Thank you all for you input I do appreciate it ALL! :)

He came over tonight, for about 2 hours. Without any sort of word from me during the day OR tonight he told me the reason he’d been so quiet was because his boss was giving them all a hard time at work. She runs two stores and has to go between them because the other stores employees give her quite a run around. So once she gets back to the store where he works, she’s grouchy from having to deal with them all at the other store. He said he spent most of his day outside shoveling, which isn’t surprising at all considering it started snowing this morning and hasn’t stopped yet. The point here is…I never once mentioned that it upset me he didn’t communicate much today.

He also told me he was sorry (again without any word or inclination from me) that he’s been such an “asshole this week” he said again that he was scared of this going bad again like his other relationships have. That also might have to do with the fact that he’s only ever dated younger then him. He is 38, going on 39 in April btw and I am 36, 37 in May.

I don’t know, that says SOMETHIING about him doesn’t it?

Oh and I also gave him the opportunity to come out with the truth…the truth possibly being he’s not really into a relationship, and maybe just wants sex. He was very adamant when he stated that he’d told me from the get go it wasn’t about anything else other then getting to know me and us dating.

@Cruiser not 100% sure no. But he seems a bit insecure…so maybe that’s his problem?

I do know for sure he’s a single Dad with two young boys, and they live in the same apartment complex as I do.

I hope his answers are the truth and things work out so that you don’t get hurt. Everything he said could be completely valid. Still, I would be optimistically cautious for a while. My experience happened with a man in his mid-30s (not some young flake).

@Supacase thanks, I hope so too. I guess the only way to find out is play the possible game with him and see where it leads. I mean eventually there’s got to be some clue, or slip up if he isn’t legit.

I still say that he would have found a way to communicate if he’d been as caught up with you as he intimated. But that doesn’t preclude him growing more attached. And this way you will always have something to throw in his face when you want a HUGE argument.

@6rant6 haha that’s pretty funny :D

I think he should be as considerate as a friend or colleague would be when it comes to honoring plans. He might have a looser idea of “plans” than you, so he things it’s OK to leave things open and/or just drop by unannounced. If so, that might be easy enough to clear up. If you really like him, maybe you could vow (to yourself) to take it slow, as well. Just see where things go… and make clear and definite plans at least a week in advance. That might help with the “rushed” impression he’s getting, and resolve your irritation at him being flakey, too. After you get to know each other, it can get back to the casual/drop-in sort of visits, if you’re both into that. I guess I think he might have “committment issues”, but they might be well-founded and understandable… and something you can both overcome with time.

Ya…well…he made plans with me to come over after the bar. He didn’t show up, didn’t call, didn’t text to say he wasn’t coming. I feel like a used piece of meat. He texted me this afternoon saying he was texting me from the new phone he’d just gotten. So I thought maybe he’d lost my number…yeah sure..IDK, it feels great to know I am so forgettable.

I hate to say this, but this is his character. He isn’t likely to change. I’m sorry. At least you found this out early on in the relationship.

on to the next one….

He’s put you on the alternate phone he doesn’t keep on when he’s around his new girlfriend.

Just sayin’

So I’d had enough suspense, and called him Saturday morning. He apologized for not coming over, and not calling. He said his 8 year old son was still awake when he got there at 3:30am and his babysitter was asleep. His son told him he was waiting for him to get home. On Sunday I talked to him again and he profusely apologized for not coming over and not calling. He said his son gave him a hard time, he’s prone to tantrums, and he got a little stressed out I guess so hey just laid down with him on the couch and they fell asleep.

Seems like he doesn’t really think it’s a big thing leaving someone else hanging. All it would have taken was a simple text detailing the tantrum etc and it would have been ok. I really hope this isn’t a lasting thing with him.

@6rant6 he can’t afford his own phone…it’s on his brothers contract..so that’s not true :P

@Mizbhayvin Just an idea.

Seems like his life is a bit chaotic right now and there’s no good place for you in it. Maybe you should suggest taking a break, letting him know he can call you when things even out. Say maybe when the kid goes to college.

@6rant6 lol Yeah he’s strikes me to be the kind of person that is a no nonsense type. He has his things he does, and he does them no matter what is new, or who is new. This doesn’t bother me, and I’ve never met anyone quite like that. It’s good that he isn’t willing to change his whole life for the sake of one person (me) but I do hope that this is a part of his going slow and that it sort of evens out after a while. It does seem to me like he’s been burned badly in the past with his relationships and I am also glad (because I have been also) that he is willing to take the time finally so things work out better.

Well, he stood me up on Saturday, then called me Sunday and wanted to come see me. I was out at my parents and couldn’t. Before we ended the conversation he told me he missed me. Then he pretty much ignored me for three days. On Wednesday he texted me and asked if I would be mad if we were just friends. We talked on the phone and he said he gets scared and he’s not ready for a serious relationship. He said he’s got a lot going on in his life (he is a single Dad) and a lot of stress and adding a relationship into it is hard for him. He told me to call him later on. I was skeptical and wondered why…so when I called him later on, he didn’t answer (big surprise there) and when I texted him he told me that he was busy.

IDK what this guy is up to. Commitment phobe or just a player. He lead me on completely, asking if I was happy, and telling me he missed me all the time, coming on strong to make sure I liked him and then BOOM he’s scared and runs off with his tail between his legs. You just don’t do that to someone.

Well if he’s not a playa, he’s certainly working towards that.

I hope you’re only taking his calls still out of curiosity. ‘Cause this is going nowhere good.

Move on…. It shouldn’t be this hard especially in the beginning.

cannot be sure until you pay them a surprise