My girlfriend is overly scared\emotional all the time. What to do?

It sounds like therapy is needed for her. You can’t face a life of comforting someone about a movie!

”A girl who is scared of life is not attractive to me.”

”(She) says that’s the way she is.”

People, in my experience, don’t really change that much over time. Changes in deep-seated behavior such as you describe takes a lot of effort over a very long period of time (years).

Given your quotes above, I think you know what your options are.

This is NOT something you can do anything about. It sounds like she’s still very young. She needs to become more independent if she’s going to have a relationship with anyone. If you can talk to her about how you feel, it might help her. Be honest. I think cprevite is right. You know in your heart what to do. 4 months is not a long time to get over. It just seems like it at your age.

Any advice on how I can present the issue to her and my feelings about it? I really don’t know how to approach this in a non-blunt way. I don’t think cold and blunt is the way to go on this one though. I want to talk to her first before just calling it quits.

I really want to say “You’re 20+ years old. What the fuck”, but that’s a little rude and obviously ineffective. I want to communicate effectively.

I’d start with, “I don’t think this is working out.” She may break into tears. Be gentle. Explain that the differences between you are more than you can handle. She’s a lovely girl and has friends. She needs more experience to help her not be afraid of life. If she says that’s just how she is, you can point out that that is the problem. You’re not the one who can help her. You can be friends, but you can’t spend all your time in a relationship trying to protect her. She has to be able to stand on her own two feet. Ask her if there’s anything you can do to help her do that.
(For your own comfort, you should know that there are people who like to be in a relationship where they are the protector. Maybe she’ll find one of those. It would probably be an older man than you are.)

@LiekOmg1100 I would also sugest that you try to comunicate with her, explain your concerns to her, and try to understand her better.

The better you guys understand each other, the better decesions you can take regarding your relationship.

She said it, It is just the way she is. You need to decide if you can be with someone like that or not.

Tell her exactly like you told us. Your explanation in your question pinpointed the fact that you have some serious fundamental differences in compatibility, and that you don’t see a future together. It isn’t something that you feel she can or should be asked to change about herself, and you just aren’t having fun in the relationship any more.

Fluoxetine

Right now she is editing her own question on Fluther…

“My boyfriend has a great personality and gets along with everyone. He loves me with all his heart, but sometimes I think he is risking our relationship for foolish and dangerous things. Examples are:
He smokes weed and has it in his room. An arrest and conviction will affect him for life.
He sets off very large fireworks that can cause injuries and scar him.

A boy with a criminal record or permanent injury is not attractive to me. When I call him out on things he says I am just being paranoid and I should grow up. How can I talk to him about this issue?”

Most likely we would answer the same way.

She needs to feel the need to change (which she apparently does not) before anything could happen.

First, I would not take her to movies with any violence.

Second, I would consider breaking up with her because there is no future in your relationship in which she will not be just the way she is right now (see her not wanting to change above).

Well if you don’t love her for who she is even though she loves you with ‘all of her heart’ definitely do her a favour and break up with her. Modern love eh.

It’s not kind to string her along. That means it’s not cool to go along as you have been. It also means it’s not cool to break up in a way that leaves her believing there’s a chance you will get back together.

You do have the option of staying with her and just naturally being a total ass until she decides to give up on you. If you don’t have any plans for the next ten years, might give that one a flier.

There are a few different things going on here. First of all it sounds like you and your girlfriend are very incompatible. You just have different levels of comfort and because she has been sheltered, she has a lot less experience with the world.

And you sound like the kind of person who does what you think are “fun” things without thinking about the consequences. Smoking pot is illegal and puts you in a state of intoxication, when you smoke pot you are not sober and can’t make rational decisions. I hope you don’t drive when you smoke pot. Fireworks, at least in my state, are illegal and should be left to the professionals. One of my friends in high school actually blew his thumb off by “experimenting” with fireworks. That’s why they should be left for the professionals. You’re probably one of those folks who say it’s ok for you to use them because you’re different. People that like to play around with dangerous and illegal items always think that they’re different. I just want to know why someone who is 20 years old, an adult, would want to play games like that.

You’re girlfriend sounds very insecure and she probably can’t even vocalize to you that she thinks that smoking pot and playing with fireworks is foolish and dangerous. If she wasn’t so insecure, she would probably realize, herself, that you two are ridiculously incompatible.

I’m not sure what you think you are getting out of this relationship (maybe other than sex). You should probably sit down with her and gently explain that you have very different comfort levels about all sorts of things and that because of those differences you don’t feel like the two of you are a good match.

Because you are 20, you should think about cleaning up your act. Most people I know smoked pot in their teens (and some of them even foolishly played with fireworks) but now that they are in their early 20’s they are either going to school, finishing up their degrees, working if they’re lucky enough to have a job, getting married and starting families. They have real life goals, because they have to. And they’re thinking about and actively moving towards their futures, they’re not sitting around getting high or playing house with girls.

You should be asking yourself what you really want from life and where do you see your self in six months, a year, five years? And how will you get there?

I think you’ve already found the answer you’re looking for…

“a girl who is scared of life is not attractive to me”

There is no reason to settle, go find the right person for you cause she is out there waiting.

@worriedguy , I couldn’t have put it any better myself.

You two are different people – either embrace it and learn to appreciate those differences, or simply walk away. Just be aware, you’re giving up someone who loves you with all of their heart. Do you feel the same way about them?

Yeah, you don’t love her. I read those things about her and thought ‘if I loved her, I’d help her through all these things, it’d be worth it’.

Remind her she hasn’t been 12 for at least a decade…time to act her age.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I concur.

This seemed to turn into a bash pot thread

@BarnacleBill

“Because you are 20, you should think about cleaning up your act. Most people I know smoked pot in their teens (and some of them even foolishly played with fireworks) but now that they are in their early 20’s they are either going to school, finishing up their degrees, working if they’re lucky enough to have a job, getting married and starting families. They have real life goals, because they have to. And they’re thinking about and actively moving towards their futures, they’re not sitting around getting high or playing house with girls.”

Actually I go to college, maintain a high GPA, have a good job in my field that pays well, have various technical certifications. I know plenty of people who smoke pot and make more money than your probably ever will…...

@worriedguy

“My boyfriend has a great personality and gets along with everyone. He loves me with all his heart, but sometimes I think he is risking our relationship for foolish and dangerous things. Examples are:
He smokes weed and has it in his room. An arrest and conviction will affect him for life.
He sets off very large fireworks that can cause injuries and scar him.”

Get real. You know how many simple possession cases the court hears on a daily basis? Get a lawyer and case dismissed! Worst case is you pay some fines and complete a pre-trial diversion program that consists of a few hours of community service. Go to court uninformed and plea guilty… well that will hurt you. How would the cops get me if it’s in my room anyway. I don’t cause trouble and cops have no reason to come to my house, let alone get a warrant to enter.

Back to the issue at hand. Thanks for the advice

@Simone_De_Beauvoir

“Yeah, you don’t love her. I read those things about her and thought ‘if I loved her, I’d help her through all these things, it’d be worth it’.”

Yes I do want to help her through it, but I do not know how. That is why I am making this thread. Any advice on how to help her. Things to say or suggest?

@LiekOmg1100 I have to tell you that I think that seeing your last post, I feel that you don’t try to listen and understand to what people around you are trying to tell you.

Maybe that is the problem in your relationship too, you want her to understand you, but you don’t try to understand her point of view !!

A relationship is about a connection between people. It doesn’t sound like the two of you are very connected.
You have to work together, communicate and find a way to meet in the middle.
If not, it sounds like this is not working out for either of you.
YOU can make a person change. A person CAN’T make YOU change.
You can’t save a person either, but it doesn’t sound like she needs saving.
You each can evolve, but it has to come from within or there will be resentment.
You communicated it here, have a conversation with her about what works and what doesn’t work. You need to be open and listen to her as well if you hope to have her listen to you.

@LiekOmg1100 You have to have a long conversation (expect breaks for silence and hugging though) about how this makes you feel and how you want to support her but are unsure as to exactly in what ways.

@LiekOmg1100 Just to comment on your reply to @Simone_De_Beauvoir‘s comment – I think (hopefully, I’m not adding words where they don’t belong) the overall point of the comment was suggesting that if you loved her, you’d find a way through it regardless. You’ve described the love that she has for you with a tone of certainty, but nowhere in the thread (even after I proposed the question directly) have you expressed any love for her. You obviously want to make the situation better somehow, but I’m starting to think you’re just looking for rationalizations/justifications to walk away.

Love can be daunting and confusing and maybe that’s what you’re going through at the moment. If I had to bet, I’d say you’re a lot more likely to find the answer you’re looking for by going to her, not to us.