Deployments can be hard because they vary so much. It may take some time to figure out what will work best for your specific situation, so patience and flexibility is a must!
My husband was deployed all of last year. He left early in January and got home the end of December. We were lucky in the aspect that he was in a location where he could get internet access in his room, so we were able to chat online quite a bit. There were times he was too tired to get online, or that the satellite would go down, or a sandstorm would mess up the connection, or the extreme heat would knock out the power, all causing him to be unable to get on his computer in his room.
In addition to chatting online when we could, I sent care packages and cards very regularly. My husband said that he loved getting the cards, so I encouraged everyone else in his family to send him cards/letters as well. He was in an area with a store, so he didn’t need much, so the care packages were always goodies or specific items he couldn’t get at the store there (such as his specific shaving cream, chew, shampoo, and toothpaste). I sent a care package every other week and a card on the weeks I wasn’t sending care packages.
In addition to the care package and cards, I also sent e-mails pretty regularly as well. Not quite every day, but several times a week, especially if something happened that I really wanted to tell him about and didn’t want to forget later on.
It can be really hard to “be there” for the soldier and still feel like you are taking care of yourself, so finding ways to make it easier for yourself will help. I know a lot of people that sacrifice their sleep, staying up all hours night and day just waiting by their computer for their soldier to get online, only to be disappointed when something happens and the soldier doesn’t get online. My advice to them is to find a way to still get their sleep. Here’s what I did: I have a laptop so I would go to bed with my laptop in bed with me. I would set the notifications alert on my instant messenger programs to play a loud song so that it would wake me up from my sleep if my husband sent me a message. This worked very well because I could go to sleep, but still wake up to talk to him when he got on in the middle of the night. Plus, if he didn’t get on, I didn’t lose any of my sleep. I also know many people that will sit home all day in front of their computer instead of going out and doing things for themselves or even the things they need to do (like going to the store). Or when they do things, they always rush so they can get home. My answer to this was my phone. My cell phone has the different instant messengers on it (yahoo, aim, msn, and skype). For the cost of the data plan each month (so I could have unlimited usage), I gained my freedom. I could go out to lunch with my friends or go walk around the mall with them and if my husband sent me a message, it would go straight to my phone! These things allowed me to still take care of myself and be there when my husband was able to get online to chat.
ANother key point is not to compare your deployment to everyone else’s. Say your friends significant other sends her flowers every week and yours doesn’t…don’t let it cause a fight between you and your significant other. Say your significant other can’t get online as much as others can, it could be the specific details of his job, not that he doesn’t want to. My husband did a lot of traveling during his last deployment. During the times he was traveling around, we had no communication. It was hard because the other soldiers in his unit didn’t have to travel like he did (it was a specific thing he was given to do), so their wives never had the breaks in communication that we did. Sometimes they would forget that he traveled and they’d ask me if I heard from my husband and then be shocked when I said no. It is what it is though.
Another thing I did to help me, especially at the beginning, was writing down each time I got to talk to him on a calender. It never failed that after not talking to him for 2–3 days, I would feel like I hadn’t talked to him in a week or so. I could look on my calender and see the date and time right there and reassure myself that it really had only been a few days and I was letting myself get worked up for nothing. I also had a calender that I crossed the days off of at the end of each day. It was really great when those Xs started filling the page and almost celebration worthy when I got to switch to another month!!
As far as support for yourself, it depends a little bit on your situation and which branch of service your significant other is in. If you are married, the military has a lot of resources available. I’d recommend checking out militaryonesource.com to see some of the things they offer. If you can make friends with others going through the same thing, it can help. I am really good friends with a few of the other wives of soldiers in my husband’s unit, so when something was going on over there, we were able to calm each other down and we really helped each other out with regular life stuff back home while our guys were away. If you aren’t married, it may be a bit harder to get some of the military resources, but you should still check out the site I mentioned. They have a lot of information!
Aside from people in person, there are a lot of sites online that can be helpful. When my husband and I started dating, I found a forum with other woman dating military guys. It was great to hear about their experiences with the distance and the different things they had to go through. Once we got married, I found a forum for military wives and it has been really helpful as well. Talking to people that have been there and can over support and even advice on where to go or look for other information is great!
As far as being married, having kids, and the lifestyle go, it’s really not much different than any other relationship. Once you are married, you can live on post (if housing is available) or off post. The health benefits are great (though sometimes they can be a pain in the ass). Children are children. They do all the same things, just sometimes have to deal with their parent being gone for an extended period of time. A lot of it depends on you and your family. Some people are very military and others treat it just as their spouses job and nothing more.
If you have any other questions, I’d be happy to help as much as I can! Just a little info about me (in case you have specific questions), my husband has been in for a long time. He was in when we started dating. So I’ve been dealing with the Army as both a girlfriend and as a wife. We’ve moved a few times and have children (one from a previous relationship of mine and we our expecting our first together right now). We have lived on post and off post, we’ve done separation due to training and a deployment. So, I can answer a lot of questions that you might have (and definitely point you in the direction to get more answers if I can’t answer them for you).
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