Can't seem to get past insecurities about dating a successful woman. How do I deal? Do I just call it off?

Start climbing.

Oh, and welcome to Fluther.

Hmmm, I’m not a guy but this seems to be a common problem. I hope you don’t mind me asking but what specifically is it about her successful career and family that makes you nervous or anxious about taking your relationship further? Is your love for her more important than her success? I guess I’m not completely sure why men feel this way. Maybe you’re just intimidated, or feel you’re not good enough for her?

You’re not in a relationship with her family, or with her job honey, you’re with her, and from what you’ve said all of this stuff you’re talking about, money, achievements, jobs, it really does sound like its just stuff to her, not important. Reading the information in your question, it seems to me that you’ve found someone who loves you very much, and wants to be with you. She clearly doesn’t think that she’s in any way “downgrading”, in fact the only fly in the ointment here is the way you’re feeling, unfortunately, and if you don’t deal with that it could spoil things and you’ll lose her. I really do think that you need to sit yourself down and have a good talk with yourself, go tell yourself in the mirror that you have found what the rest of the world spends all its time looking for, someone you can love and who loves you right back, the rest is just stuff, silly, daft, unimportant, stupid, doesn’t mean a thing stuff. Pat yourself on the back, tell yourself how incredibly lucky you are to have found your other half, and go find her and tell her that too. Tell her you love her and go be happy together, because honestly, at the end of the day, you and she are all that matters. Nothing else even registers here, if you have each other, and are happy that way, the rest of the world, and everything and everyone in it will just melt away. When I met my husband I couldn’t believe he’d even notice I was in the same room with him, and now, over 26 years later, well I’m so glad that he did, and I’m even more glad that I didn’t follow my first instinct, which was to run in the opposite direction. I really didn’t think I was good enough for him, not attractive enough, not successful enough, not clever enough… god I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Thing is, we were friends, for quite a while, and he kept sending little signals I suppose, which I saw/felt but I had no self confidence, certainly not enough to believe he was serious. I’m glad he waited, that he didn’t give up on me. Don’t waste this chance sweetheart, just believe your luck and love her back ok?
sending hugs xx

Does she know what’s underlying the times when you overreact or fight with her?

Either way, on a basic level – she’s not dating your family or your job – why are you trying to date hers?

The issue is not her nor her success. Consider this that you have a view and view tells you what you have told it to tell you. You have said “Her family is successful’, “These are the kind of people I read about”, “I FEEL inadequate” and listen to this one “People like her”? These are just stories you have told yourself and you did so from past experience. You are making yourself be wrong and you are not. There is nothing broken here just a story you are telling yourself. If you could just be with letting that be and putting it aside. What would you see if you could then say “She is what I care about”, “She is a remarkable person”, “She is the person I choose to be with” and/or “She is the one I choose to love”. We all take what we see and put a judgement on it and then think that judgement is actually real. It is just an illusion that you have created with your own insecurities.

And by the way that is not right and it is not wrong it just is. We all do this we live in a world where that is what it is to be human.

You have self-esteem issues. You are looking at yourself through the cracked mirror of her and her family’s achievement.

You need to stop the fighting right now before you lose her. You are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You feel that you are not good enough for her and so you are causing her to pull back from you by fighting with her. (Then you can tell yourself “See it would have never worked out.”)

Get yourself to a therapist right away. You need to work on seeing you how she sees you. What does she love you for? What do your friends see in you? You need to see and believe in those things yourself.

Why do you base your self-worth on outside factors like economic success? You need help figuring that out.

Please go and do the work before you kill the relationship. You are clearly feeling increasing pressure the more serious the relationship becomes. This is not something that will just go away or that you can talk yourself out of.

Think of it as joining a team. Do you think the other players argue with the star quarterback if he happens to have the best arm in the country? No. They want him on the team. Everyone wins.
Let’s take it to the point of ridiculousness: would you feel better if she was an unemployed crack head? Do you think that would improve your self esteem and strengthen your relationship? (If yes, then get into therapy now. and let me smack your forehead.)
She wants you. Don’t blow it.

You need to try to figure out if you are in the long haul for her, or the fact that you are dating a doctor. Not once did you say what it is about her that you care about. I heard that it was novelty about her being a Dr, but explore how you really feel about her.
She has a career, you have a career. They both have demands and certainly a Dr has great demands. But at the end of the day, and when you get together, how does it all feel to you.
The family is successful and that is that, so what. Are you feeling ashamed? It does not sound like this insecurity is coming from her. Get a grip on it as it can seriously erode what you may have if you don’t get it in check. Stop overthinking or get a therapist help on how to help you deal with your insecurities better.

Another person you need to talk to about it, eventually, is her. If you hide these insecurities from her, it will always be a weight you carry around. You need to learn where they come from and then talk to her so that she can understand what you are working with. You tell her to inform her, not to ask her to take any responsibility for working on it, other than supporting you.

This is your issue, but if you can’t share this part of yourself with your girlfriend, it will be like termites slowly eating away at the main beams of the house. At some point, it will all collapse.

Also, I don’t think it’s a big deal. Lots of people have self-esteem issues. It takes work to get past them, but it is very doable. She sounds like a very lovely woman. I wish you the best of luck.

who cares about her job. my wife makes more money than me and I’m okay with it. ideals are changing these days, all the pressure on you to “be the man” is all in your head, planted from generations before. but things have changed, men are required to help around the house and women are required to make more money so that the family can survive, because one income isn’t enough for the average person. if you care for her then you will try to see the positive side of things. It’s not like she or her family points out your “inadequacies,” right?

I understand how you feel, @firesale. I dated a guy who went to public school (in the British sense) and was an architect. I wasn’t insecure about him or what he did, but I met his family and they are all accomplished as well as very rich. My family is seriously poor, rife with mental illness and at least one cousin is an ex-con. I felt embarrassed and ashamed to be in his people’s presence and stammered incoherently when I met his father and he asked me what my father did for a living. Ha! I’ve never met my father! Imagine the uncomfortable silence at dinner. Worse, they didn’t think I was good enough for him. Is her family making snide remarks to you? If not, then count your blessings. I swear, visiting this man’s family was like being in a 21st century Jane Austen novel.

The young man and I ended up breaking it off for other reasons, but while we were together, I did have to get a grip on feeling insignificant and lowly vis-a-vis our family positions. I had to learn that contrary to what all of society has tried to drum into everyone, we are not our families. We are more than our paychecks, letters after our names or mentions in the newspaper.

And if this insecurity stems from you knowing that you want to do something else beside be a middle manager, then that’s on you, yes? It’s not her fault that she went out there and became a doctor, or that her dad went out there and climbed Everest. They didn’t do it to make you feel bad about yourself. I know your grownup self knows this, but the childish, insecure you is taking this personally and you need to recognize that.

Take their accomplishments, rather, as an indication that if you wanted to and got over yourself, you could also get out there and do what would make you happy so that you wouldn’t piss and moan over what she and her family have done. It’s not about her. It’s about you knowing on some level that you’ve sold yourself short. Maybe this relationship came into your life precisely so that you could deal with this issue and do something about it.

So? What are you gonna do? Whinge abut how they’re so great and you’re nothing and boo-hoo-hoo? Or are you going to take the hint, figure out what you want to do and do it so that you can enjoy your time with her? I guarantee that by not figuring this out and wallowing in your insecurity, you will drive her off and you’ll accomplish nothing.

@wundayatta is right, you need to let her know why you feel insecure. But just telling her about it doesn’t let you off the hook, you still have to do something about it: A) recognize that your self-worth has nothing to do with your occupation, and B) overcome those feelings of inferiority so you can get yourself out there and do you. Therapy might be a good start.

You never felt it’d last long..all of a sudden you realized you were serious…you can’t get with the fact that she’s successful? My god, I’d run away from you…realize what you have and become that which can match it.

Most women like confidence (at least the ones I know,me included) and if she picks up on those insecurites,being the smart,successful woman that she is,you will not have to worry for much longer about dating her.
Your best bet,if you like her enough,is to not give a damn how successful she is and just enjoy her company.

By they way, if you decide to break it off, give her my number. I have no problem with her career or family. Heck, I’d even get pregnant and carry the baby if I could. ;-)

It sounds like SHE thinks you are good enough for her and that is all that should matter. Her family will grow to love you if you are kind to her and treat her well. It will not matter how much money you make – you are only as successful as you see yourself as being. Keep a constant dialogue with yourself and that dialogue should consist of only the good things about you. Stop trying to sabotage this relationship before it has a chance to get its foothold. If it lasts for a year or twenty, be thankful for the time you have with each other. And if you decide to move in together, I would only suggest that you both feel comfortable with wherever it is. You moving to her place will make you feel inadequate, Her moving to your place will make you (and possibly her) feel that she is ‘settling for less’, so a good alternative might be to look for a place that is neither yours nor hers but y’alls together—a fresh start as it were. Good luck!

The thing that strikes me as odd about this situation is that you stated early on that you weren’t expecting the relationship to last. Why would anyone enter into a relationship if they weren’t planning to stick around. It sounds like she really likes you, but you don’t say much about how you actually feel about her. Do you love her? Do you miss her when she’s gone? Do you find yourself thinking about her often and wishing you were with her? Do you feel a deep passion for her? Do you have common interests and common goals (even if your jobs are not similar and your pay is not similar)? Will you feel happy and comfortable being around her family even though they are extremely successful? Do they embrace you (or do they make you feel inadequate)?

It sounds like you just aren’t all that into her, but you are trying to talk yourself into it. If you really do love her and see a future with her, then you need to lay out all of your insecurities and have lots of conversations with her about how you think your lives will be, what obstacles you might need to overcome. You also might need to have her take a step back, and not move in with you right away, until you sort out all of these things. I would suggest that a couple of sessions with a couples counselor would do you both wonders. It could clear up some of the “unknowns” and will give you some other questions to ponder that you may not have even thought about. It certainly won’t hurt you.

You need to ask her what she sees in you, if you haven’t already. There must be parts of your personality that are great or you and she wouldn’t have gotten to this point. Be proud that you are what matters to her and not what kind of job you have or who is in your family tree.

I’ve met people like that: the really interesting-to-be-around-kind. If you are one of those good on you!

I don’t know that I would necessarily go and talk to her about this just yet. See if you can feel your own value and get past it. It sounds like if you can you will have a rockin’ relationship with a wonderful lady. If you can’t then get yourself to therapy and have someone help you get there.

Be thankful she doesn’t have a family like my husband’s mother who point blank told him he was “marrying below himself” all because my mom was an insurance agent and my father a cabinet maker ROTFL! Me? I’m mucking farvelous :-P

The way I figure it is, according to statistics you have a 50–50 chance of your marriage succeeding. So if you love this woman and the only thing you fight about is that she has letters after her name and you don’t or you don’t have an many, that is a waste. Stop arguing and get on with your life together.

It sounds like you really care about her if it’s gotten this far. Be honest with yourself . . . is it something you can get over? If not, I don’t know, you may as well end it, I THINK.

Money is a HUGE deal in relationships, whether people like to admit it or not. HUGE.

If you can’t get over it, then end it before even more is invested into it.

Maybe talk to her about it, who knows, she may have something to say that eases your mind.

Money is a huge deal in a relationship, but it’s more of a deal when it’s a power struggle.

People who have real success and real money are attracted to genuine people. Sometimes it comes in the form of someone with a similar background, sometimes it comes in the form of a person who is understanding and supportive of what the more “successful” person does. There’s financial success, and there’s relationship success.

Envision yourself married to her, with kids. Would it bother you that you’re the one that runs the errands, picks up at day care, joins the PTA, leaves work when the kids are sick or off school, cooks dinner? Someone has to do it.

Do you make her laugh? If you do, then that’s what it’s all about. Finding someone who gives you joy and levity can’t be bought.

@BarnacleBill Have you ever considered a career in psychology or counseling? I think you would be great at it. You’re always right on with the advice, and you dole it out so gently. Thanks : -)

Wanted to drop in and thank everyone for the responses. A lot of it was hard to swallow (I don’t like thinking that I’ve been the bad guy, pushing her away) but true. I needed to hear/read that.

I guess my insecurity regarding her success and her family’s success stems from that fact that I had a lot of difficulty finding motivation in my teen years and for most of my 20s, and even now still. I dropped out of college for two semesters just to bum around and I don’t know if I would have gone back if my friends had continued to let me sleep on their couches or if my sister hadn’t offered me a place to stay if I went back to school. My girlfriend and her family’s level of ambition and [over]achievement has been so elusive in my own life that I can’t even… understand it. It is intimidating to see it up close like that.

About her family, they’ve always made me feel welcome. Her dad did take me aside privately one time to show me their family “trophy room” (where he did nothing and said nothing except to point out and explain the framed newspaper clippings and all the awards won by people in the family… absolutely surreal) but other than that they’ve been supportive and very good to me. I haven’t been in the trophy room since then either.

As for whether or not I’ve talked to her about this: I haven’t said anything directly to her about it, no. I’m sure she’s noticed though and after our recent argument about the moving situation, I’m sure she knows positively now. I said we haven’t argued a lot about it, but whenever we have argued about it or because of it, it’s always been a very big blowup. This was the worst, definitely.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir @blueiiznh @Kardamom
Especially with new relationships and just being in that getting to know you stage, I try to keep expectations low and commitment casual. And she was a doctor (which was new for me) and her schedule was messy and there was like.. no sex at all at first.. it just wasn’t something that I thought I could live with. But, I liked her. I liked the way she carried herself, and how she looked, and she was so clever and quick and so passionate about her work… It was exciting to be around her (and it is exciting to be around her family, admittedly). I just liked her. I woke up at her place one morning and she had two different boxes of cereal (one was my favorite) on the kitchen table, and that was that. I guess that’s why it took so long for me to realize how serious we were getting. With other girls I’ve been with, there was always this very conscious announcement of “okay, we are taking the next step and tomorrow we’ll take another step” but it wasn’t like that with her. And I don’t know about my feelings… this is another touchy subject between us (or me), I guess. But, of course I care about her. The way I feel about her it’s like.. I don’t know, how I wake up in the morning or put one foot in front of the other when I walk. It just feels right. That’s all.

@BarnacleBill I have some friends who’ve sort of joked around along those lines.. “pussy whipped” and all that. I don’t like being that guy. I don’t even think I want to be that guy. That’s the thing.

I’ve seen a few people here suggest therapy or counseling and I’m not sure how I feel about doing that. I just don’t think it’s necessary. I just have huge reservations about that.

Anyway.. that’s pretty much covers it. I’ll probably go over to her place in the morning and sort things out and smooth things over. I’ll probably stick with her not moving in (yet) and explain why and then we can talk about that and see what happens. Thanks again everyone for the perspective.

(And I am really sorry this got so long! Wow.)

@firesale You have got to get over this perceived inequality. If she is anything like me (and she might not be), she will eventually get sick of picking up signals (even subconsciously) that her partner doesn’t think he’s good enough for her and she will begin to believe it.

There’s another way to look at this, you know.

If your opinion of yourself isn’t so great (and I’m not saying that it should be, not at all), then you can consider that she isn’t that successful after all, if she’s with such a loser. That might not help with your self-image, but it will help to lessen the perceived inequality.

It’s not a recommendation.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m definitely trying.

@WasCy In one of my lowest moments in the relationship, that’s actually the kind of thing that I did think and then say out loud. That’s not something I want to ever happen again.

Good. In all of my relationships I’ve kept things in perspective by admitting to myself “she could do so much better”, and then I remind myself that “she’s not doing so badly right now, with me”.

At least, that’s how I keep things in perspective until I think constantly that I deserve better than this, but you haven’t gotten to that point yet, and if you’re lucky, you won’t.