How would you handle this "spin the bottle" situation if it was your daughter?

Kids at that age have a lot of “everybody” and “nobody” statements – I’m sure you know what I’m talking about: “nobody does that, Dad” or “everybody has one of these, Mom” – but if she takes a few minutes to be honest with herself (and that’s the most important person for her to be honest with), I’m sure she’ll realize that not “all” of her friends are bisexual. (Assuming, of course, that any of them really are.)

Take a deep breath before flipping out.

Girls at the age of 12 are just practicing for kissing boys. Thus the use of tongue.

There may have been one girl who was truly gay or bisexual, but she was not admitting it.

Tell your daughter that it was just experimenting and that’s OK, but that you shouldn’t really kiss anyone unless you have feelings for them.

Next time there is a sleepover, ascertain from the parents in advance that there will be no Spin the Bottle going on.

There is a huge difference between “being in touch with their sexuality” and normal pubescent experimentation. I wouldn’t get too worked up over it.

I understand being freaked out about it, I think that’s normal for a parent. As an outsider to the situation, I caution you to tread very gently here. Your attitudes and reactions toward sex and sexuality will become the basis of your daughter’s own sexuality. So, the last thing you want to do is demonize or yell or something like that.

That aside, I think an obsession with kissing is really normal at this age. I know my classmates and I certainly were, and I’m talking tongue kissing, but the good thing is that kissing was ALL we were obsessed with. Also another good thing was that when I tried it, I was totally and completely disgusted and I didn’t try it again for a few more years (and then, it was much more age-appropriate).

Like @marinelife said, I would take this whole ‘bisexual’ thing with a grain of salt. It’s possible these girls could end up that way, but I maintain they have some maturing and living to do before that can make that call with 100% certainty.

Kids are going to experiment and that is generally okay and they should. Be careful what you forbid, because that might come back to bite you in the ass. :)

My daughter is eleven & if she came home with this tale i’d probably say it’s true, girls do just wanna have fun. She’d laugh long & loud & that would be the end of it more than likely.

Like other people have said, I doubt they were doing it because of bisexuality. They were likely just experimenting with physical and emotional feelings. As long as your daughter is cool with saying “no, thanks” and her friends are ok with that, then I really don’t think you have much to worry about.

I am so grateful that my kids missed this crap, even if it was by a whisker. Being bi or gay is a fad nowadays. IMO, it’s insulting to truly bi or gay people. It would be like everyone pretending they’re black, so they know how it really is.

First I’d tell her that the girls probably weren’t really bi, that they were just pretending thinking they were being cool. I’d tell her that in her life, and especially in the next few years, she’s going to come across things that it seems like a LOT of other people seem to be doing that she’ll know isn’t right. I’d tell her I was so proud of her for not jumping on the bandwagon, for not running blindly with the herd, and for seeing things for what they really were. In fact, I would tell her, it takes a strong, intelligent person to stand their ground, and that you were proud of her for that too. And especially proud of her for bringing this question to you! And then I’d take her for some ice cream because…I’d really want ice cream at that point! Wif extra fudge!!

Good luck @cockswain! You’ve got some of the most rewarding, heartbreaking, angry, happy, tragic, hilarious years of your life ahead of you! Something that a psychologist told me once, when my son was about 14 really stayed with me…..he said, “You only have him for another 4 years. You don’t want to alienate him.” It really hit home…only four years. You only have six more….now now…don’t cry….

I agree that society has made it more acceptable for girls to kiss girls. Katy Perry anyone? But that doesn’t mean that these girls are doing anything but experimenting. I think you should be happy that your daughter is still communicating her concerns with you, and try to be as open and available as possible.

Ha! I’d be glad they’re not doing something worse, that’s all. I’d explain that just because you are all kissing each other (tongue or not) doesn’t mean you’re all necessary bisexual. I’d sit her down and discuss her feelings about being forced into these activities and whether she feels comfortable with any of it. The main lesson with any sex/sexuality related situations is comfort and NEVER doing anything that doesn’t feel right.

Thanks for all the great advice. I’m glad to see my instincts were relatively in line with everyone’s objective reasoning. I suppose I should unground her and remove the chastity belt at once (jk).

Honestly, I’d be somewhat relieved if she decided only to date women until she is at least 18.

I wouldn’t ‘sit her down,’ unless it was for something very serious like suspicion or drug use or sexual activity that could lead to std or pregnancy or something very serious. Sitting a kid down makes them feel somewhat trapped, and you don’t want to do that. Just talk as casually with her as she is with you.

For me, the major issue would be whether my daughter was comfortable with what she did, or if she felt pressured into it by her friends. If she was just doing it to get along, I would want to talk to her about ways she can stick to her guns, even if “all” her friends are doing it.

I wonder if your daughter chose to tell you about it in order to get permission not to like it, or to get an excuse to abstain the next time something like this happens.

In any case, I would talk to her to see if I could help her be able to stand up for herself in a social situation like that. It can be really hard. Teens put a lot of pressure on each other to take the next step and the next, faster and faster. That’s why some parents do not allow their teenage children to drive with anyone else in the car, and especially no other teen. “Ooh look! The train is coming fast. Step on it! Let’s see if we can beat it to the intersection!”

I guess I’m saying that it sounds like there is at least a fair possibility that she was uncomfortable with the situation and didn’t know quite what to do about it.

Along the lines of what @wundayatta just said: The best way to listen to her talk about any of this is with a completely neutral aspect. You don’t want to condemn (her or her friends) or encourage anything except this: that she continue to talk to you about anything that bothers her. (Congratulations that she is. How much do you want to bet that at least half of the other girls felt the same discomfort as your daughter, yet have no one to confide in.)

As long as you can be non-judgmental and ‘safe’ for her to speak to (and also not one to call all of the other parents right away, such as “to confirm that there won’t be any such games in the future” – oh, don’t do that!) then you’re way ahead of the game.

Exactly what @WasCy said. And if you can throw in a few comments about how proud you are of her, that can go a loooong way too.

It’s good that your daughter was able to bring the subject up with her parents. That alone tells you that you don’t need to worry about her. Having brought it up I would tell her in a tactful way what you think, she deserves an honest response from you. I would then leave it at that.

O, I was thinking earlier of something my daughter said to me when she was about 22. She told me something like, “Mom, you know, all of those years when you tried to talk to me, and tried to tell me stuff, and we’d fight and I’d pretend like I was ignoring everything you were saying and I’d scream and yell…..well, I was listening. I really was. I usually had to go away to think about it for a while. But then I’d give my friends the advice you gave me when they came to me with problems! I was listening….” Sometimes it take years to get your prize, you know?

I would tell her that most of her friends are not really bisexual, but are acting out what they see on television. Tell her that people’s sexual preference is not really something that is learned, but what they are.

When my oldest daughter was in middle school, the big thing at one of the other schools was a game called Lemons. It was a boy-girl game, where girls drew a boys name out of a cup, and then drew a slip of paper with a body part out of a cup. They had to rub the lemon slice on the body part, and lick off the taste. We managed to avoid that, and the group movie outings where middle school girls were giving middle boys blow jobs at the movie theater, on Saturday afternoons.

and the group movie outings where middle school girls were giving middle boys blow jobs at the movie theater, on Saturday afternoons.

Jesus. Jesus.

and I liked sr football players when I was in 8th grade. They are going to start sometime. She’s not a baby anymore.

@cockswain, I know. How they found out about it was an outbreak of STDs at a middle school in an upper middle class neighborhood. My daughter attended a magnet school, and as a result, had friends that lived all over the county. As a result, a lot of her friends and team mates knew kids at other schools.

@jazmina88 She still need guidance. Hell, my grown kids still need guidance.

I wonder how many answers here would change if the original question had been about 12 year old boys kissing instead of girls.

Girls have a lot more to lose in that area @SmashTheState. There is a lot at risk for girls that there isn’t for boys.

@SmashTheState My answer would have been the same.

@SmashTheState Perhaps you could ask a similar question and see what happens. Provided no one on this thread blows your cover.

@SmashTheState – You musn’t be too familiar with Fluther, then. There aren’t too many other sites out there that are as homo-friendly. I find Fluther an extremely safe and accepting place to be gay. I would imagine that most people’s answers would have been the same – there is very little homophobia here and a lot of open-minded, tolerant people.

They are not all bisexual, first off. I’d doubt any of them are, at most one or two. That seems to just be your daughter’s interpretation of why they would be kissing each other (they’re kissing each other, therefore they must be at least bisexual). It makes sense to figure that, but it’s most likely not the case. I know many heterosexual girls who would kiss each other in party situations and what you’re describing sounds more like girls practicing kissing or just having fun for the hell of it. I’d also bet that some of them were pressured into it.

Girls will practice on other girls first!
I’m curious…what did you ever say to your daughter @cockswain?

Just told her that I’m proud of her for not doing something that made her uncomfortable and her friends are probably not actually bisexual. After I loosened up for a few days, I had a much clearer perspective on the whole thing. Everyone’s advice helped for sure, thanks.

Yay. Short, sweet, and low-key. Perfect, Dad!