What should I say to my friend if she hurts herself because she used to think she was gay?

You friend needs professional help. It sounds like she is confused about her sexuality and that she is confused about what’s okay in regards to sexuality. It sounds like somewhere along the road, she developed a feeling that it is wrong to be homosexual and that she punishes herself whenever she has thoughts about being a homosexual. Therapy to get to the root of what caused these feelings within her would help a lot. Do you have an adult you would be comfortable talking to about this to get her help? Perhaps a school counselor or school nurse? Do you think she would pursue help on her own if you suggested it to her?

The best thing you can do is be there for her. Talk to her, listen to her, and reassure her that she is a beautiful person just the way she is and try to get her some professional help.

This is beyond what you can help her with besides being a caring friend. She needs to get some good therapy. Talk to her about approaching a trusted adult who can help her get counseling. If she doesn’t have a caring parent, encourage her to speak to a teacher or counselor at your school. In the meantime, try to reassure her that she is a worthwhile person and that you care about her.

The most important thing is to stand by her, and comfort her. Tell her if she is, she’s not the only one, and she will learn to deal with it. And tell her the fact that she’s trying to deny that she isn’t, is a good thing, because this means she is willing to be treated. Tell her it’s completely normal to feel that way, especially while passing adolescence. The most important thing is your support, don’t let her down, and don’t make her regret telling her. Help her out.

It is understandable that after the coercive situation she was in when she was young that she would both have an aversion to what she deems as gay and an attraction to same-sex people as a way of trying to deal with what happened with her. It might also be that she is interested in people of the same sex (which is NOT a character flaw – but thanks as always, @Nullo – wouldn’t be a good day without reading something like that from you, :() but it’s hard for her to separate her past from her present desires. She does need to speak to someone a little better versed in these matters. But I’m glad she has a friend in you.

She has a lot of problems she needs to work through with the help of a therapist. It sounds like her childhood was a living hell and has left her very scarred.

Listen to her and try to steer her into therapy as her problems are beyond the scope of what you can reasonably handle.

I hope she does get help and seriously &$#@ paedophiles! How can they not see how they destroy young lives?

You should explain to her that there is nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. If you don’t believe that yourself, then that’s going to be another problem heaped upon your friend. She may or may not be gay or bi, but the fact that a lot of people still look down upon or react violently or negatively toward gay people would make any poor person (who thinks they are gay) feel like they are a target.

I think you should go to your school counselor (on your own first) and explain to him/her what has been going on and ask them for advice. Then you should try to talk your friend into going to speak with the counselor too, maybe with you in the room in the first place, but then leave her alone to speak to the counselor so that she can be upfront with them. She needs professional help, mostly for the cutting, that’s the most serious part about this situation. The fact that she may be gay or bi isn’t really the problem, although she will need to learn how to deal with that in a way in which she won’t harm herself (or get harmed or harrassed by those around her). Bullying is bullying, no matter what the bully is picking on a person for. When you talk to the counselor, make sure you tell him/her that you and your friend are concerned about her getting bullied.

If your own parents are fairly open minded (and not homo-phobic) you should tell them what’s going on too. Get your parents involved with the counselor to make sure that the school will protect your friend, if the word gets out that she is gay or bi (even if it turns out that she isn’t).

Then you should check out some of these websites that are specifically for people trying to deal with being gay or bi (and for their friends and families). Most of these sites have forums in which you can talk to other people who have been through the same situation, to get advice on how to handle the situations that will be coming down the road. One of the biggest organizations is called Parents and Friends of Gays and Lesbians (PFLAG for short) and you can see their website here Whether or not your friend is gay, there are people on this site that can talk to you and your friend and your mother (and eventually your friend’s parents). These folks have been through the same situation that you and your friend are going through right now, they can tell you what to expect and how to cope and where to find help if your friend needs it (she clearly needs help).

Here’s a site called The Cool Site for Queer Teens that has all sorts of advice on how to figure out if a person is gay and how to break the news to family.

This website has a list of a bunch of different sites that are geared toward support for gay teens.

Invite your friend to look at some of these sites with you. She’s probably scared shitless and really needs to have at least one good friend (you) to be supportive. And by looking at the sites with her (and then hopefully bringing your own mom into the mix) you will all learn something and will be able to help your friend. Good luck and please check back in : )

I think that this is about more than whether or not she is gay and how she feels about homosexuality. She sounds quite depressed, but more importantly, she is hating herself. I think people usually hate themselves when something is wrong in their brain chemistry. If it wasn’t homosexuality, she would find something else to hate about herself.

Her comment about giving you permission to hate her is part of that self-hatred. She is asking you to confirm her negative sense of self. I used to do that kind of thing when I was depressed. I really felt like I was the worst person alive, and I couldn’t understand why other people didn’t see it. I tried to push people away and make them hate me, because being liked didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t deserve friends. I didn’t deserve love. Hell. I didn’t really deserve to be alive.

And if I was alive, it was only so I could suffer. I needed to suffer because I had it too good. I needed to suffer in order to bring the world back into balance. Hence, I wanted more and more pain. Perhaps that would help explain why I felt so bad.

When I was hurting like that, I began to feel like I knew why people cut themselves. The physical pain actually relieves the mental pain. If you hurt enough physically, it’s harder to feel the mental pain. That’s the story I told myself, anyway.

I didn’t cut myself, but I have talked to a few cutters and they say it is like that. It is punishment for being bad. It is relief from the other pain. Weird, huh? So many things at the same time. There’s more, of course.

That’s why I believe cutting is about another kind of pain—it is a way to relieve pain. It relieves several kinds of pain. And it is those underlying pains that need to be addressed. If they don’t get addressed, then the push to cut will always be there, no matter how much therapy you get for the cutting.

Her underlying pain has to do with sex, I’m sure. It probably has to do with childhood experiences and the effect those things had on her sense of self.

That is why everyone is telling you that she needs therapy. I would add that I think it would be good if she was also evaluated by a psychiatrist. It is possible that there is a brain chemistry component to her behavior, and if that is the case, there are drugs that can help. Only a psychiatrist can prescribe drugs. A therapist can not do that.

The answer to what you can do is simple. Tell an adult. One you see in real life. They can get her the help she needs.

Like sand through the hourglass, these are the emos of our lives…...

You need to tell your parents so they can speak with the girls parents, she might not like you for awhile, but she needs help that you can not give her.

One thing you should do is stand by her, she is feeling rejected by friends around her who now dislike her for being herself. If you dont stand by her she will feel even more self hatred towards herself and think that it is wrong to be attracted to girls, you should also help her get profesinal help but stand by her, you dont understand when you feel that low how one person being there for can help you

Given that one in six people are gay, you might start by telling her that you think there is nothing wrong or unusual about being gay, if she is gay. The the best way to sort out the aftermath of abuse is through counseling, because the level of conversation needs professional input and guidance.

As a friend, about the only help you can give her is acceptance.

There are several sites that have suggestions for helping a self harmer. Try e.how

There is also a form of OCD where people obsess over the idea that they might be gay. I don’t know enough about the situation to tell whether this might be part of what is going on.