Hi guys! I had the exact same sitch with my current bf:
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Him and I have been best friends since High School. He always used to like me, but I never saw him in a romantic way. He had relationships in the past and I was married with someone else for 7 years. After I seperated from my ex, he found his opening and took a chance to pursue me. Resistant at first as I found it “too soon” to get involved after a horrible break up. Besides that he REALLY was not my type of guy and I just could not see him as BF material.
He did not stop, and throughout the whole “courting” process, I found it easier and easier to like him and eventually fall for him. The beginning of our romantic relationship was absolutely blissful. After a year or so things started to deteriorate. He just lost his luster of being a loving, caring guy. I guess he was never really romantic to begin with, but the way he treated me in the beginning was much more caring and loving. Even intimacy started to lessen. Eventually I could not take it and started complaining and nagging to him on how much he’s changed and how he never does anything special for me anymore. Everything’s become a routine, we don’t even go to watch movies anymore. Every weekend is spent in the bedroom watching TV or watching him surf on the internet.
We took a breather from each other for about a month in September last year….a whole month of reflection, evaluating the relationship and what not. It was clear to both of us that we love each other…not just as partners but as the best friends we had been for 11 years before that. We had a huge falling out and it was pretty much a nasty breakup.
I realized I had become too emotionally dependent on him. During that month apart, i kept trying to win him back. I could not let go. The more I tried, the further he seemed to drift away. A week before we got back together I had decided I’ve had enough of trying. Obviously if he does not want to talk to me and keeps ignoring me, then I guess he is not THE ONE for me. As hard as it was to get to that point after roller coasting with my emotions….I had reached the point where I said: I am done with this guy and I am officially going to start to move on.
Surprisingly…the moment I stopped all contact with him, he was the one who started getting back in touch. Out of spite…I did what he did to me just so he could feel what hurt I went through. I ignored him, did not reply to his texts, did not see him. Finally, he came and asked to speak to me. With anger and pain in my eyes I asked him:
What is there for us to talk about? You wanted this thing to be over….now you got it! He said: That is not what I wanted, all I needed was some space. Well now you can have all the space in the world, I replied. He started pursuing me again, trying to prove himself to me.
A few weeks later we came we were stronger than we had ever been. What I probably also failed to mention is that I got excellent help from reading Sherry Argov’s “Why Men Love Bitches”. I applied some of the principles and it has been working wonders.
The reason why I rambled on about how my relationship began is this girls: The moment you emotionally detach yourself from your man and do your own thing as an independent woman….the more they will want you and will fight for you!
Please remember that men live for the chase. Motivating him is one thing, but over-thanking, being overly caring and loving, overly attentive…sends him the wrong message. He will start to feel that you are a mother, rather than a lover. And as such he will become comfortable with how things are. It is not that he is not romantic…he just does not feel like there is a need to be…WHY? Because either way you are there being nice, tending to his every need and being an agreeable “wifey”.
That is the biggest lesson I learned from what happened to me. I always babied him, bought him everything he wanted, cooked for him, paid for his laundry, took him on trips and vacation…almost feeling like a sugar momma just in hopes to gain some kind of recognition from my efforts.
I have since stopped doing ALL of that!
The best technique is to create time for him to miss you. Be highly unpredictable. The more unpredictable you are, the better. Because he will never know what to expect…and by not knowing what to expect…he will always want to figure out HOW TO FIGURE YOU OUT!
I started simple:
1) instead of always spending the weekend with him (which is what I used to do before…like an SOP since its the only time we get to see eachother), as much as it pains me to NOT see him…I started doing things for myself…when he asked me if I would meet him for lunch on Saturday, for the very first time I said: Sorry I booked an appointment to get my nails done. That is the one thing he would have never expected me to say…and as a result it immediately made him think: Why would she go get her nails done, when she knows this is the only time we get to spend with each other???
2) I kept doing this weekend after weekend or sometimes when he asked during the week to see me I did it too… Oh Im sorry i already have lunch plans with a friend. The same goes for calls and text messages….if he is used to you replying 2 seconds after he sends you a text…try not to reply till 3 hours later or dont reply at all till the next day. Him not knowing your every move, keeps you mysterious and unpredictable.
3) if there is something you don’t like about him…DO NOT NAG or say it bothers you under any circumstance. I know everyone says being honest is the best policy, but with men…it’s still just NAGGING. So rather than talking about it, just be indifferent. Be nice but not too nice….make him “feel” something is bothering you without being a bitch or feisty…just kind of “emotionally absent” I guess…until he finally asks. And when he DOES ask…just say…“I don’t really feel like getting into that right now” And just by you saying that…a guy who never WANTS to talk…will suddenly want to talk just because it will bother him knowing something is wrong and he does not know what!
4) Result: For the first time ever he finally said: Do you have plans this Saturday, I would really like to take you out on a date and buy you a present! WOOOHOOO SHOCK!!!!
We spent one of the best non-vacation weekends just last Saturday….he bought me 2 presents and we ate out and had the most amazing lovemaking that day. From a guy who never took me on a single date, to one of the best dates I ever had!
Project get him to be more romantic: SUCCESSFUL
Like I said, it is really tough to refrain from being overly loving…as us girls tend to just love to wear our hearts on our sleeve and feel like being part of a romantic movie. But it just does not happen that way
In addition:
Since I have started doing things on my own…I have also gained a new found self-respect knowing that I do not need to depend on him to get things done and to be happy. Also I am starting to get used to not NEEDING him to be around all the time. It makes the time we are together seem even more special.
On a side note….he has also started talking about our future together…like vigorously with passion. We are now planning for a baby…which was something he was not prepared for for a long time. We also talk about our future business plans and he even talked about where he wants to get married! We are not yet engaged…but just him talking about that stuff to me is just as romantic as all those gestures.
Ultimate suggestion:
Read “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov… you can’t go wrong with that purchase! A real eye opener!
Good luck ladies! I hope you get satisfying results!