Can my ex boyfriend give his parents temporary custody of our daughter when joining the coast guard?

Is he planning on going to court and filing a document? If so, then you need to get an attorney because you’re about to get a custody agreement.

so does he have custody just because of last name?

It doesn’t have anything to do with her last name and you really need to read @BarnacleBill‘s answer again.

If he goes to court and files for custody then he’ll most likely get it if you don’t fight it. And then he can file again to give his parents custody. Your best bet is to beat him to the court and file for custody yourself. At the very least take advantage of most attorneys free first consultation and see what they have to say.

I would fight it because the only reason he’d be doing it is to give his parents custody, they don’t work, and live off the government, how would they provide for a child? And I don’t have him on child support If that makes a difference

Anything that is not in the legal system does not make a difference. Any verbal agreements you have with your ex would disappear if he went to court and filed for custody. If you don’t want your daughter to go to his parents (and if he’s serious about that) then you need to talk to a lawyer about your options.

my main question is as of right now, without going to court and such; he doesn’t have authority to give his so called custody of my daughter to his parents correct? He’d need to go to court to get shared custody first, correct? I’m just curious because he said he spoke to a recruiter and they made it seem so easy just to give his parents custody and I’m not so convinced

The the case of unmarried parents, custody is generally assumed at 50/50 unless one of the parties can indicate a reason for it to be otherwise. If he is in the military, then he can petition for guardianship for his parents for his half.

The recruiter is assuming that you have an court custody agreement.

Without a court ordered custody agreement, I don’t think he can just take the kid and go. But I’m not a lawyer.

Without going to court, he can’t just “give” his parents custody so to speak, but there are things he can do. He can put them on his will as guardians for him if anything happens and he will have to put someone on his family care plan (something the military requires of all members). It’s a document that says, should he have to go away for any training/deployments, these are the people that will be taking care of his child(ren). The military family care plan is basically a temporary guardianship document. So if you are talking about something like that, yes he can. Once he enlists in the military, he will most likely end up listing his daughter as a dependent and she will be eligible for healthcare through them.

Custody and child support are seem as separate issues and the fact that you aren’t getting child support from him won’t mean anything if he goes for custody. It’s really best to get something in writing (court order) with the custody agreement. You really don’t have any protection from him taking your daughter otherwise as far as I know.

I would very surprised if a court took your daughter away from her home to live with grandparents just because the already absent father is moving away. However, you really, seriously need to get proper legal advice as soon as posible.

I’m not scared that they would take away because they have no way of providing (unemployed) for her and they smoke! They don’t even speak English, I just don’t like them and refuse to share custody with them, they were very rude to me and his mother threatened me a lot that she would call dcf to get my child taken away because I wasn’t taking her over enough ..

@Lothloriengaladriel You definitely need to get some kind of court ordered custody agreement. If nothing else, it will serve as a starting point for you should anything come up in the future. If your ex doesn’t want custody, now would be the time to get him to agree to you having full custody. If you can do it while he’s agreeing to it, you’ll have a major leg up should he change his mind later down the road. Right now, if he were to change his mind, he could swing it to make you sound like the bad guy (people do some really dirty things during custody battles). He could say that he did want his daughter, but you wouldn’t let him have her. Even if that’s not the case, it would be your word against his and without something backing either of you up, it would put you guys on equal standings with the judge if it came to that.

she has all this fake proof that I’m a bad mother example: at around a month old my daughter bumped her head because my boyfriend pushed me into the wall when I was carrying her and had a red mark on her head for about an hour .. So she took the baby to her room and took several pictures just in case I ever decide to take him to court

that’s the thing, he’s saying all this just to screw me and refuses to let me have full custody

I’m curious, why haven’t you gotten a court order for custody yet? He could file at any given moment and you would have to go through it. Personally, since he pushed you while holding your daughter, I would’ve went for the custody order right then and there. Those pictures will do little good without an official report going with them though (since it would turn into your work against his).

I’m scared and I don’t want him to have equal rights, I don’t trust him, he doesn’t even come see her but sadly it makes a difference in the military so I can’t help it, I’m just trying to understand his rights as her father

Right now, you both have equal rights. If that’s really what you don’t want, the only way to stop it is to get a court order stating otherwise. If he is the one that ends up filing for custody, it makes it look like he is the one that wants it, instead of you. For example, right now, you can’t legally get a passport for your daughter without his permission (since he’s on the birth certificate and there is nothing saying who has legal custody). Also, there’s a difference between physical custody and legal custody. Physical custody is who she lives with and when (can be split in many ways) while legal custody is who gets to make legal decisions for her. If there is something that requires you both to agree (like a passport) you wouldn’t be able to do it right now because you both have the right to make legal decisions for her. Some school systems can be really picky about this too when it comes to registering your child for school.

You having possession of her right now gives you a bit more rights at the moment (because you are the custodial parent and he is not right now), but things could get really ugly. All he has to do is call the police and say you are refusing to let him see his daughter and things could get ugly fast (cause then he’d have it documented as you refusing to let him see his daughter and that would look bad).

I’m not trying to scare you, but I’ve seen people do pretty nasty things when it comes to custody. Usually its aimed more at hurting the other parent than worrying about what’s best for the child. I’ve been through it with my ex-husband and it was worth it to me. I’ve had sole physical and legal custody for quite a while now. Sure he could come back and try to get things changed, but I have a lot more rights than he does now, so it’ll be harder for him.

thank you very much, this information has been very useful

@Lothloriengaladriel, Didn’t read all so I don’t know if this has been advised yet. People like your ex can get a real leg up by talking to an attorney first and trumping up allegations, whether true or not. I have seen situations where the better parent loose their children and couldn’t get them back till the legal process was played out and false allegations alone. So I suggest you get connected to some legal aid to protect what’s right here. Don’t tell your ex your doing this as he will then see it as a race to do the same. You need a lawyer in your corner before this gets any worse. Use the internet to try to connect with some type of pro bono attorney in your area that specializes in this type of situation.

that’s my worry, he has spoken to a lawyer, I’m very worried that it’s his mother doing it for him because he’s only 19 and I highly doubt he would of come to the conclusion to contact a lawyer on his own.. and his mother is very controlling and manipulative, I honestly think she just wants my baby.

Do you know how to find legal aid where you are?

@Lothloriengaladriel You should really try to find a lawyer than and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter as @Season_of_Fall mentioned. Most courts also have the papers you would need to file and you can file them yourself if you can’t get a lawyer, but if he’s already talking to one, it would be best if you could get one too.

I would start a journal and document everything! Write down every time he calls and what he calls about. Write down every time he comes to see your daughter (how long he stays, what he does with her (as far as is he playing with her or ignoring her) and anything else he does. Write down if he says he is going to come and then doesn’t show. Go back as far as you can accurately remember and keep going every day from this point out each time you have any kind of contact with him or his family. Write it down as soon as it happens from this point on so it’s fresh in your memory.

not really @Season_of_Fall
i could look for a lawyer but is it through my local court? Or I’d need to contact a private lawyer?

@Lothloriengaladriel Get to an attorney right away or you could very easily lose your child.

@Lothloriengaladriel You’re profile mentions Florida, so I’m guessing that’s where you are. If I’m wrong, disregard the rest of this information, but here’s what I found in a search for Florida Legal Aid:

Florida Legal Service You could try calling them to see what they say.

Florida Law Help Just click on the custody link and go from there (they want more specific information based on where you are).

Florida Court Programs Legal Aid A list of other sites that may be able to help you.

If you are in a different state, you can try doing a search for ______(the state you are in) legal aid and go from there. You could also contact the local court house and ask them to guide you in a good direction.

You could also call around to different family law lawyers, explain your situation and see if they would be able to help you any.

thank you very much ! @Seaofclouds

@Lothloriengaladriel I take it that you aren’t living with the baby’s father. The first step is to obtain a court ordered child support agreement.

I don’t want child support, I don’t need him financially, i simply want custody of my daughter, I dont want my daughter raised by 2 40 year old bums who refuse to work, survive off the government, smoke like a train, then attempt to carry my 6 month old daughter, I’ll accept they are family but guardians, never.

@Lothloriengaladriel so you are able to provide completely for your child, even medical care, which is what child support can entail. If he is going to be employed in the US Coast Guard, the benefit of having a court ordered child support agreement which would include medical and life insurance would greatly benefit the child.

You never know what the future holds for you and the added security for your child of having support from the father, in my opinion, at the very least in the form of medical insurance is well worth a legal court order.

I really should speak to a lawyer, I’d put him on child support now but that would basically give him rights to her and I don’t want him coming over thinking he can just take her when he pleases..

@Lothloriengaladriel Child support does not give him any additional rights and a lack of child support does not take away his rights. Child support is seen completely separate from custody/visitation orders (sometimes the orders are combined and done at the same time, but one does not have standing over the other). Failure to pay child support is not a reason to withhold visitation/custody. Doing so could get you in a lot of trouble because he could use that against you. Legally speaking, you have no right (at this point) to keep him from seeing his daughter. If you think he is unfit, it needs to be documented and an order needs to come from the court saying he can’t see his daughter.

Legally speaking as of right now, he does have the legal right to see his daughter whenever he wants to (since you have nothing stating otherwise). If you refused to allow him to see his daughter, he could call the police and say you were kidnapping (just as you could against him if he refused to allow you to see your daughter). It’s a really sticky situation and one the police (from my knowledge/experience) don’t really like to get into. Most likely if it did come to that (him calling the police), they would end up telling him he needs to go to court, but then he would have a police report stating that you refused to let him see his daughter, which would look very bad for you in court.

@Lothloriengaladriel child support, which is a financial obligation, and child custody, which is visitation and time allowed with the child, are two different things.

The fact that they smoke and don’t have money doesn’t mean that they won’t take their grandchild, if given half the chance. If you really don’t want to lose your daughter, stop being so naive and trusting. While they MAY not take your child because they don’t have money, it doesn’t mean they WON’T.

Your child deserves some sort of protection of the courts, and if he’s going into the coast guard, deserves child support and dependent benefits.

@Lothloriengaladriel what @BarnacleBill said is right on the money. The thing you need to do that won’t cost you a dime is call 1–800-622–5437 if you are living in Florida. The state represents you in these cases at no additional costs to you.

The reason they do this, basically, is because in so many cases, when a single parent tries to support a child alone, the parent ends up taking state provided (tax payer) monies in the form of welfare benefits anyway. The state finds that it benefits the taxpayers, the child and the parents in the long run to have parents support their children. The state will give you legal assistance to see that this happens with the child’s best interest in mind.

@Lothloriengaladriel That number @bkcunningham will be a great help for you in the child support matters (I had to go through the Delaware Division of Child Support Enforcement with my ex years ago and I’m sure their system is similar and will be very helpful). It will not help with custody though, only child support, so you will have to follow through with someone else for the custody portion of things.

Your ex has let the thoughts of the Coast Guard cloud his brain, when it comes to your child. first, you need an attorney. second, its for the court to make this decision, not your ex.

There is much more involved in a child custody case, than someone stating. “i think i will let my parents raise our child”. i have been through this with my two granddaughters and the courts made the right decisions, concerning them and they will you, too. stand your ground.

Somehow this is making me think of the bible story where Solomon has to decide which mother is the actual mother of the child, and says “cut the child in half.” Essentially that’s what you’ve done to your child by not having a custody agreement for the best interests of your daughter. Your ex seems to think that he can take his half of your daughter and do with his 50% what he wants – in this case, giving his 50% to his parents to take care of while he’s done. The reality is, neither one of you have 50% of a child. You may split care responsibilities 50/50, but the reality is each one of you has 100% responsibility to act in a manner that is in the best interest of 100% of your child. And you need to agree on what that best interest is, or she will either be in the middle of a tug-of-war between you, or you will end up agreeing to something you don’t feel is right to avoid conflict.

Lots of times in parenting you have to make choices that may not be easy for you, or in your best interest, but are in the best interest of the child.

The word custody refers to a legal term that can only be decided in a court of law. Neither you nor the have father have custody with a court order, and there fore it cannot be given away.

In your present state, who every the child is with at the moment has physical custody of the child, but there is no legal custody. It is very unstable, at best. Get a court order, or you will lose your rights.