My mother still hasn't mailed my wedding dress, What should I do?

Does it surprise you that your mother has let you down? I’m wondering if this behaviour is typical of your mother…

EDIT: Have you asked her why she hasn’t mailed the dress? Make her answer the question. “I forgot” isn’t an answer. Is she happy about your wedding?

Why would you put up with this stress? Take the other dress and leave your mom out of it. She isn’t reliable. Do not give her any other jobs for your wedding.

I’d be disappointed as well. At this point, you can alter it here, if you are worried about the time crunch and not trust your mother again.

… my whole life seems it has been this way. Was your mother the best person to ask? Not that that addresses the problem at hand… I think @barnaclebill has an excellent idea. Best of luck to you. I think of it were me I would be strongly inclined not to trust my mother with anything important in future.

My mother seems to have gone through some mid-life changes. I remember a time when I thought she was the most honest, upstanding and hard-working person I knew. She was never able to provide many comforts or extravagant wants for us, but she gave us what she could. Since getting older I have caught her in many lies and trying to decieve me. Even with this issue. She told me that UPS wouldnt box the dress when I called myself and they said they would box it and waterproof it and she could take it to the post office and mail it. Last week she was all about it when I told her I was sending 300$ for the mail cost and so that my little sister and cousin could get dresses for the wedding. I think she would probably just pocket the money anyway. I think part of it may be a jealousy thing. She had one Justice of the Peace wedding to my father that ended badly and One to the low-life she is married to now. He was my Aunt’s fiance and they were caught cheating together and my mother still insisted on being with him. Well they went to Justice of the Peace also. (A terrible mistake the guy doesnt even have a job now). I have had to do for myself since I was able to work. I remember my mom telling me “Well you are turning 16 so this is the last birthday gift you will be getting. I think its time you get your own job so you can buy they things you like” This included even bathroom necessities…every dance I wanted to go to, any hair cut…basically everything….My mom’s a mess or am I just being a brat?

I’m sorry you’re going through so much stress related to what should be a very happy event. I have to agree with the other things mentioned. Don’t give your mother any further jobs related to the wedding.

No, you’re not being a brat.

I hate feeling this way toward my mother. I love her, but how can I express my anger without damaging our relationship or hurting her? In all honesty with the way I have been focused on weight loss I know the dress will fit (it may have to be taken in even), Im just upset because of the magnitude of it. It’s my wedding dress, the most important part to my wedding in my opinion. She has had since October and I feel like she let me down. Then made me even angrier by saying “You sound upset. Dont get too stressed out its only one day. Do you want me to do anything else” I had to bite my tongue from saying something terrible.

Aw that sucks. Call ahead to an alteration place and tell them you will only have a short time to alter, so they can schedule you in. Even if they don’t need to take it in, I assume you need to have a bustle created?

Your mom sounds like she is going through her own crap. I think she should have told you she cannot do it, but maybe intellectually she wanted to do it for you, but then emotionally she couldn’t get there. I would be angry if I were you, but as someone on the outside looking in, forgiving her will be the best thing. Not only forgiving her, but trying to show some empathy for her, and telling her next time she can admit it will be difficult for her to do something if you ask. That you will not be angry, but will appreciate the honesty. It is messed up though. Honestly, I would be afraid to mail it, afraid of it getting lost. But, if you prefer it be mailed, are you sure it is too late? Is it going to an APO address? Do you have a sibling or girlfriend who can do it for you?

Definitely do not give her anymore jobs related to the wedding. If you do it will become you who is not getting things done, because now you know better.

@Baddreamer27 most likely, after all the things you have been through with your mom, she’s going to love you regardless. I’d have to speak my mind. That is my personality though. I don’t mean I’d vent 30 years of frustration to her with her one passive question, “You sound upset.” But if my Mom had done or not done that for me and then said, “You sound upset….” You better believe I would have told her, not so sweetly, that I was pretty damn upset.

You don’t sound like a brat to me in any way, shape or form. I hope your new mother-in-law can step in to do some of the mother things for you. You deserve that. Even grown-up women deserve to have a mother in the traditional sense of the word. Whether it’s an aunt or a friend. I hope it is your son’s other grandmother.

You are definitely not being a brat – you’ve made a perfectly reasonable request and have even offered to pay the postage. I would ask someone else to mail the dress for you, since it seems that your mom isn’t going to do it.

@bkcunningham That is partly why I was so hurt that she didnt do it. His mother is a fantastic mother. Since knowing (even when we were dating) she sends birthday cards, care packages, she even sent my son and I christmas presents. We had the invitations mailed to her. They arrived and had to be put together. I had only asked her to take what she needed for thier side of the family and mail the remaining to us. She assembled them all, made return address labels and mailed them out three days later with postage for me to mail them to my family!

my mom hasn’t even picked up the phone not once since we have been here. Honestly she hasn’t called to check on me since I was at my first duty station. I only received one care package from her and that was right after boot camp. But I guess it’s like my uncle put it, “Amanda you know our family doesnt do the mushy crap. You’re lucky to get a sucker punch and an I love you after that”

Sounds like your mom has had a life time of issues. There’s probably not much you can do about that, unless when you come back, she is willing to go to family counseling with you.

Because you know her tendencies, you should just not let her “handle” things anymore. You don’t have to get into an argument with her or yell at her or even feel crappy about it yourself. That wouldn’t serve to help either one of you. Just know her nature and work around it as much as possible. Make it easy on yourself by never putting mom into a situation in which she is likely to disappoint you in a big way (like making her responsible for mailing things, bringing stuff to the party, making the turkey for Thanksgiving or any other situation where you need her to do something and have it be done on time) She’ll probably do all sorts of annoying little things to disappoint you, but if you expect it ahead of time you can work around it and talk yourself into not getting mad at her (and not beating yourself up about it either, you don’t need to feel like shit for something that you can’t change).

I think that old Serenity Prayer thing would work well in this case. I think @yarnlady has a copy of it somewhere.

Is she coming to your wedding? If so, just don’t put her in charge of anything. Just make sure that someone is there to take care of her and make her feel “special” even though it’s your day. That person who is assigned to take care of her, should also make sure that mom doesn’t get in your way and cause you any problems. It’s almost like you need to get an adult babysitter for her, but she needs to think that the caretaker is just someone being nice to her (not that this person is really there to keep mom busy and out of your hair).

One of my friends had a difficult and annoying mom. I often volunteered myself to be put in the role of the temporary “caretaker”. She loved it because I gave her lots of attention (mostly just agreeing with her and letting her yammer on endlessly), but kept her out of the fray when my friend needed to get things done without her mom interfering and interrupting.

@Baddreamer27 I wonder if David’s Bridal alters dresses if they weren’t bought there? You could set up an appointment for an alteration there, if they do, for after you get home and explain the situation. There’s bound to be some other sewing place that could do it for you if you wait until you get home. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it fits without another stitch.

I would have someone you trust go over to your mom’s and get the dress. For whatever reason, she doesn’t sound capable of doing what you’ve asked of her. Sometimes this sort of responsibility can seem overwhelmingly complicated. If your mom’s own life experience has been less than happy, it sounds like she doesn’t understand the importance of what you’re asking her. From what you wrote, I would think that depression is probably paralyzing her.

@Baddreamer27 Don’t compare your mom to your MIL. What a wonderful gift to have a MIL who can be an example for you of what it seems you would like to be as a wife, mother, woman. We get different things from different people. I am sure your mother loves you. Having realistic expectations of her capabilities will save your from being dissappointed. I think you are going to have to start looking at it like she truly has limitations. If she were physically unhealthy you would probably accept that she can not be there for you in certain ways. It seems like she is mentally unhealthy, and like any unhealthy she won’t be able to fulfill some of the needs or desires you might have from her as a mother. Don’t discount what she has done for you and what she will continue to do in her own way. You are starting your own family now, you can shape it the way you want it to be. Focus on your husband and marriage, he will become the center of your world, the primary person in your life.

It’s clear that your mother can’t be relied upon, and right now the reason doesn’t matter; you have much more to think about than playing psychoanalyst. Take back your own control over the situation. Forget that dress and take the one you have available right where you are.

Also, if you want to buy dresses for your sister and cousin, send the money to them and leave your mother out of the loop.