What is the term for this behaviour?
I’m jettisoning the aftereffects of the way I decided to deal with someone else’s behaviour toward me, and some of that behaviour was confusing. Context:
When I was a little girl, if I got or was doing something positive that my guardian didn’t get when she was young or wasn’t getting in her life at that time, she would claim pride in public, but behind closed doors, oh my. “Who do you think you are?”, “You must think you’re better than somebody!” “You’re just selfish and self-centered!” This was said with absolute authority, and usually accompanied by a beating for some imaginary infraction. It was frightening and angering for me, especially since even then I knew that the “infraction” was a pretext, but I couldn’t defend myself without her getting angrier and more violent.
To stay “safe”, I decided to accept what she was saying about me and ended up living a bare minimum sort of life from adolescence on. Because I was a kid, I felt responsible for how she felt about herself. The automatic behaviours I adopted that I didn’t even realize was because of that decision I made as a kid are staggering; mainly “hiding” so that people wouldn’t feel threatened by me and not asking for help because that would be “bothering” others. These have been difficult to stop. Yes, therapy, thanks, on it.
Every once in a while, though, she would say things like, “You can do it if you try really hard and ignore people who’re trying to put you down!” I’d say this would occur once or twice in a year’s worth of lecturing/“punishment”.
Is there a term or a phrase for the sort of behaviour of people who overall are very abusive, but every so often will act in a positive or kind way?
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17 Answers
Maternal? (Sorry – that just slipped out based on my childhood experience.)
It sounds a bit like passive-agressive or aggressive-passive but also someone who is narcissistic or perhaps with another personality disorder.
Just abusive. Emotionally, mentally and physically abusive is what you described. It reminded me of a book I read when I was younger. I cannot for the life of me remember the title now, but the mother of this girl ‘loved’ her, but had triggers that would lead to her beating the little girl and being verbally abusive.
I’m sorry you dealt with this as a child, I know the feeling.
Oh, you could also just call her batshit.
Inconsistent. Complicated. Most people are like this. This kind of ambivalence is unhealthy to be on the receiving end of, my therapist always says. They pull you in, they push you out over and over and your heart and mind get tired of opening and closing, it’s exhausting. I’m sorry.
Borderline Personality Disorder?
What you are doing is blaming something from the past as to who you are in the present. When things take place we make judgement calls and create a story about what happened. That is how we survive. If you blame someone or an event from the past to create who you are in the present then you are stuck with that view of yourself. Put aside any blame and the past and just let it be. It cannot be changed nor is it going to go away so just ignore it. Then you can create a new view of yourself by declaring it and become what you want to be not what the past made you to be. That is human and it is not wrong nor is it right it just is.
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She sounds mean. Even mean people can want to love, try to show love. Maybe once in a while she got it right.
There is no one term that captures this set of behaviours.
I’m glad for you that you have been doing some mental house-cleaning. That sounds healthy to me.
Some related terms: projection, jealousy, emotional vampire, crazy-maker, punitive.
The term I would introduce would be “second class citizen”. Because she put your emotional needs after her own instead of guiding you through them with experience, you took away a feeling that your feelings and needs were less important than everyone else’s.
I think you could just call those rare occasions of positive feedback ‘aberrations’. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. I’m sorry you had to go through this, and glad you’re trying to overcome it. <3
You’re describing what is pretty much the standard model of intimate abuse. Many third parties observing abusive relationships don’t see the apologetic aftermath, or the excellent behavior after a particular violent incident. If close enough they will hear about it, and may see some of it – but the question always seems to be “Why did they stay with that person?”
They stay because very few people, given the option, stay with people who are always abusive. Abusers always show enough kindness to create a hope which, often, becomes like some strange addiction to the abused party.
In a guardian/minor relationship, the minor doesn’t have the autonomy (initially) of an adult. So it’s not really the same thing. But often abusers (who are not simply masochist) are fulfilling some sort of narcissistic need by keeping the child emotionally dependent on their reactions somehow. Always reacting in an abusive manner simply flattens or creates a consistent expectation so that, ironically, the abuser loses control. Whether this is intentional or just a symptom of an unconscious issue doesn’t make a difference.
I second Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). What you describe is a classic scenario for mothers with BPD. There’s an incredible book called Understanding the Borderline Mother that I strongly suggest you read.
I suspect my mom has a form of BPD called histrionic personality disorder. She wasn’t abusive, but inappropriate with no sense of boundaries. She lies constantly and has to be the center of attention at all times. There were times reading the book I mentioned above when I could swear the author knew my mother personally. It helped me feel less guilty about avoiding my mom’s emotional pitfalls (she’s the queen of the guilt trip) and refusing to put up with her negative behavior. A lot of people with BPD go undiagnosed because they are unable to see that they have a problem and usually refuse to seek help. I tried for years, with no luck at all, to get my mom to see a therapist or psychiatrist.
The Wikipedia article about BPD might help give you an idea whether or not your guardian had this disorder. If you suspect she did, there are many resources online for family members of people with BPD. The BPD Family message boards and articles can be very helpful.
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