Should I tell his girlfriend he took advantage of me?

Let sleeping dogs lie. Nothing good will come of telling, and there will be one more woman out there saying bad things about you. They always shoot the messenger first.

You can tell her, I’d personally consider major lifestyle changes for yourself first. Drinking and doing drugs is something you never want to do with people you don’t trust. That goes for sex too, mutual trust is best. You are putting yourself in these situations, why? Hang out with non-assholes. It doesn’t make what these guys did ok in ANY way but, be safe girl. Make real friends. Stop putting yourself in these situations, this is very self-destructive behavior. Take care of yourself. You are not helpless. You are in control of your life, make choices that don’t suck. And when you make poor choices learn from them.

No, you just want to do something about your guilt. She’ll find out about him anyway.

I would not tell her.
I would quit drinking instead.;)

she may very well get super pissed at you, and not at all at him. what would be the point of you telling her? just let it go. (Besides, if it’s that common knowledge, she may already know.)

I’m seeing a developing pattern here, that you continue to make bad decisions and get into inadvisable situations. Both of your stories revolve around you smoking/drinking and feeling powerless to do anything about a sexual situation with a dominant male.

In these two stories you’ve told us about smoking/drinking and being taken advantage of by men, does nothing stand out to you that says your behavior is causing most of this?

I wouldn’t tell her, instead I’d let it go. If she was a close friend of yours, I’d say tell, but sine you really don’t know them, I’d try to forget about it and focus on moving on for yourself at this point. Sure, she deserves to know, but it should be him that tells her and if he is bragging about it the way you say he is, she will find out soon enough from his own big mouth one way or another.

Good luck in your therapy and with making changes in your life, I hope you are successful with them!

Your first story I was sympathetic with. Now… not so much. Everyone is to blame but you. You are always taken advantage of while drunk. You are getting a bad reputation and that will follow you throughout your high school and even later life.
Don’t tell his girlfriend.

You feel she deserves to know? Why do you care about her now after sleeping with her boyfriend? You feel guilty. Be honest. You don’t truly care about this woman you don’t even know.

I hope you make a better life for yourself. This is a terrible way to live.

The point is everyone makes mistakes or does things there not so proud of. Learn from it and move on. Its not like you and the girlfriend are friends, so I wouldn’t tell her. She will find out on her own. “It all comes out in the wash.”

I think you’re starting to realize that your decisions to get high and drunk and then ‘let things take their course’ is a way of absolving yourself of responsibility: ’I didn’t have sex with that guy, he took advantage of me.’ It also helps you to avoid the requirement of saying “no” and getting on someone’s bad side or letting them down somehow, or of saying “yes” and appearing to be easy. This way, you don’t have to decide anything, you don’t have to do anything, and you don’t have to say anything: things ‘just happen’, and you had nothing to do with it.

Hopefully your counseling / therapy or whatever you’re doing now will help you to realize that if your life is ever going to amount to something more than ‘the town punch’, you have to take responsibility for it, make choices and direct it, say “no” and say “yes”.

I believe that’s part of your reason for posting, yes? You’re now documenting in the real world “this was where I hit bottom; here’s where I started to change, and this is why.”

Good luck with that. A lot of people even older than you are still on their way down, and haven’t figured this out yet.

As to your specific question, let it go. There’s no doubt in my mind that she knows what he’s like already, if he’s that obvious to his casual buddies in public at a party – everybody knows who he is. You just need to take care of Number One right now.

I wouldn’t tell her. Instead I would quit drinking and stop sleeping with other females men. After-all what goes around comes around. Your damn lucky the whole group of guys didn’t take you up to the room and gang rape you! You have to learn not to put yourself in situations like that! Believe me when I say they always end bad. QUIT DRINKING AND GETTING HIGH!

You don’t really want to tell her because you “think” she should know, you only want to tell her to hurt her.

Nope, keep it to yourself. If you remember all of that much conversation going on around you by other people then you had to have heard some voices in your own head telling you it was a bad idea.

I really am not looking to offend but I think you drink more so you can convince yourself you are powerless to say no to him. He was right, you followed him in. You both took advantage of the situation. Seems to me you may have an interest in him but you feel guilty because he is your friends boyfriend. So you drink a little and flirt, knowing it doesn’t take much to get his intererest.
Before you tell her anything, ask yourself what you really wish to gain. When she dumps him, do you wish to be the shoulder he goes cries on?
Or do you simply want his heart to be broken because you feel he broke yours by staying with her?
Lets face it, a real friend would’ve left the party if she knew that drinking and hanging near a guy she finds attractive would’ve lead to sex. Most people know what they are capable of when drunk. I think most people get drunk to alleviate the guilt they feel when they are going to do something they subconciously wanted to do all along.
I know when I was younger I would have a drink or two for some false courage but I made sure to stop at two. I didn’t want to do something foolish because I lost control.
You are responsible for your own actions, as he is for his own. Instead of trying to teach him a lesson, why don’t you work on why you feel you have to get drunk to have a good time?

You are the captain of your ship. Stop concentrating on causing trouble, start focusing on yourself, your issues, and improving yourself.

@WillWorkForChocolate I’m at a complete loss as to why you and some others think I’m trying to avoid taking responsibility.. I say this plain as day in the post:

(I realize that this entire thing could have been avoided had I not drank so much and forfeited control over myself to alcohol. As I have previously stated, I have since reformed my habits and have stopped being so careless. I am in therapy and am bettering my life and myself as a person)

If that isn’t taking responsibility for my own actions, then I don’t know what is.

Regarding the other story, I said this:

”I do take responsibility for my part, I put myself in the situation by making poor choices…My poor/lack of judgment was what got me drunk and put myself in the situation….I have learned a lot from these situations and other past experiences. I have recently decided to become celibate…I am in therapy right now…I have also changed my drinking habits.”

Not only am I acknowledging my part in it and my own mistakes, but I am learning from them and changing my ways. I am not continuing to live like this. The reason I said he “took advantage of me” is because that’s exactly what he did. It’s common knowledge that if a girl is very intoxicated and a guy who is not even close to being drunk has sex with her, he took advantage of her and the situation. Yes, I did it to myself. I drank, I put myself in the situation, I used extremely poor judgment. But that doesn’t excuse him in the least bit for his part either, and I shouldn’t be blamed of not taking responsibility for pointing that out. Because in the end, like I previously stated, I got myself in to these situations and they could’ve easily been avoided had I used my head and not been so naïve.

If I was trying to accuse this guy of raping me, now that’s a different story. But I’m not. It wasn’t in the least bit rape. I wasn’t even accusing the other guy of rape either, I wasn’t sure about it, which is why I came on here to get advice as to whether it was or not.

Once and for all, I take responsibility for my own actions, I am not avoiding it in the least bit. I did this to myself, I put myself in these situations, I could have prevented these events from the very beginning, I used incredibly poor judgment. I am not trying to victimize myself and put the blame elsewhere.

I hope that clears things up.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but everything you just said was bogus. If you truly take responsibility for your actions, you wouldn’t be saying that he “took advantage” of you. You wouldn’t have said that other man “took advantage” of you. Seeing your first story, I felt sympathy for your situation and hoped that you would learn from it, but after seeing another story where you claim to accept responsibility, yet still use being drunk as an excuse for your behavior and claiming the man took advantage of you, I have no sympathy.

The fact that you are not moving on from what happened, and are posting on a Q&A site as to whether or not you should tell his girlfriend, shows me that you are still in the same destructive pattern, and that maybe you are not as reformed as you think.

So after clearing this up, the question is, should I tell his girlfriend. My answer remains the same, NO. Both of you used bad judgement. Why would you want to hurt her? Get your life in order, leave her alone.

No, you should not tell this girl what you did. She will find out soon enough with yakkity friends like his. Just be ready to accept responsibility and apologize if she comes looking for you. You made a mistake and what’s done is done.

But also: I think in therapy, you should explore your issues about sex. It’s OK to want sex. At this point, you can learn to deal with your sexual desires in a responsible, yet mutually affirming way between you and your partners. Are you ashamed to be sexual and that’s why you had to get drunk in order to do it? Why did you find yourself behaving sexually with men who disrespected you? Find out and reconcile it.

Good luck; you deserve better.

No don’t tell her, she will find out anyway, and if it’s you that tells her, that is just rubbing salt in her wound.
Your story doesn’t sound to me like anyone took advantage of you at all. I’d say the sex was entirely mutual. You both wanted it and consented to it.

Don’t tell her.
Stop going to parties.
Stop drinking.
Stop smoking weed.

You have been here only two days. You have double digits after your username. Have you tried this before, with a slightly different sexual theme, in order to try out your writing skills?

You use punctuation really well and you know how to spell “definitely.” Why does that make me suspicious?

@AmberM88

I think that makes things that were clear, clearer. Words are different than actions, saying you take responsibility and actually doing so are different. It sounds like, rather than explaining yourself, you are making some excuses, if I’m wrong then… well what can I say I’m sorry. I think it’s terrible that these sorts of things happen all the time. It really shouldn’t matter how drunk or high you are, no person should ever take advantage of you sexually. Period, it’s wrong. But you have the power to stop this from happening. Don’t go to these parties. Throw your own parties and invite, friends. You know ones, you know and trust?

You don’t need to tell this guy’s “girlfriend” anything. If you really want to sure, but you don’t owe it to her, unless she is your friend.

I think the reason you find people being tough with you is because, they care. You can’t just say things like, “I know, I can change my ways,” or, “If that isn’t taking responsibility for my own actions, then I don’t know what is,” or “I am not continuing to live like this.” Do it, move the fuck on from this lifestyle.

“I’m at a complete loss as to why you and some others think I’m trying to avoid taking responsibility.” Don’t dwell on this if you’ve changed your ways. It’s not your fault that these guys did this. You can empower yourself by not placing yourself in these situations. These guys have no excuse, it wouldn’t matter at all if you were “asking for it,” a gentleman doesn’t do that sort of thing. And it’s beyond bad form, it’s disgusting, that people do this.

You don’t have to became celibate or stop drinking or doing drugs, but the ways you’re going about those sorts of things aren’t working for you. Cold turkey from the fucked up situations you’re putting yourself in. Change who you party with, change who you spend time with. Change what you drink and where. Change who you sleep with, make it someone you care about, and on your terms when you are ready.

I’m sorry that this stuff has happened Amber. I don’t think anyone on fluther wants anything more than to help. If people are blunt or critical it’s because they are trying to help. Take things with a pinch of love.

@WillWorkForChocolate I’m not going to argue over the internet with you, clearly I’m not going to get through to you. All I’m going to say to you is, you’re entitled to your own opinion but thank you for the feedback, as I did ask for advice.

As someone who has been sexually molested several times in my life in situations that had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, I can’t understand how you think he took advantage of you. Yes, I have been drunk before but I knew what was going on to an extent and once I started to lose proper function and understanding, I stopped. Like the people above me have said, you should not tell his girlfriend. You have absolutely no foundation for doing so.

With that being said, after reading your related post I’m even more at a loss as to why you keep putting yourself in this situation. I realize that you said you are getting help, but that doesn’t mean you are accepting it. I’m thinking that you may have some serious self esteem issues and I hope you work those out. I apologize for sounding so judgemental, but as someone who has struggled my whole life with the facts of molestation and rape, it saddens me that you want to air this out on the internet to complete strangers.

What exactly do you think I’m not getting? I’m pretty sure that I’m getting a pretty clear picture of you partying a little too much, making bad choices, then trying to make excuses for what happened.

This is not an argument, this is me clearly seeing the truth behind the situation, and you refusing to acknowledge that you’re still making excuses, whether you claim to accept responsibility or not. You were not taken advantage of. You have no reason to talk to his girlfriend. It just seems like you’re trying to get sympathy for something that doesn’t deserve sympathy.

Trust me, I’m older, I’ve been there, done that. What I’m seeing after reading both of your stories is that you crave attention and let yourself get tangled up in bad situations while trying to get that attention, then you want to make excuses about why you accepted the wrong sort of attention.

If you don’t want to accept that, that’s on you dear. But sooner or later, you’re going to have to face the facts. Your behavior brought this on. No amount of excuses can change that or make anyone believe that you were taken advantage of. We believed you after the first incident you posted, but not after seeing you post a second, almost identical incident.

No you have No right to tell his Girlfriend and he does not appeared to have taken any advantage of you that you did not already give him.

I read your previous questions and you seem to have a self destructive pattern and I believe some kind of hatred towards men. Please get a better counceller that can get to the root of your issues before you end up sending an innocent to prison.

@WillWorkForChocolate , Im not so sure she craves attention, could be she craves empathy.

General theme is loving men yet hating them and wanting to punish them as well as wanting other females to feel her pain and hate the man too. Something deeper may be wrong with this poor kid.

(I guess low ego may be just a side play, by telling the other woman that she was able to seduce her guy)

@Odysseus I didn’t mean she’s seeking attention from us, although that’s entirely possible as well, since she posted two sob stories and then got defensive when we didn’t cry for her… What I was saying is that she’s craving attention from males and then makes excuses for her behavior after she has accepted the wrong sort of attention.

[mod says] Please stick to the actual question, folks. This question is in the General Section and responses must be helpful and on-topic.

He’s clearly not a good guy, but he didn’t take advantage of you. Your other situation is clearly different, but it’s now obvious that you have trouble taking care of yourself. You are self-destructive, you have admitted you have extremely low self-esteem, and you may require professional help.

The only thing I would be worried about right now is focusing on learning to emphatically say NO when you need to. Take a self-defense class, or one on womens’ empowerment. I wish every woman could stand up for themselves like this girl did when she was flashed by a man on the subway.

It’s not your job to tell her. If anyone tells her, it should be him.

Your job is to take care of yourself. That does not include getting some form of revenge by telling his girlfriend and getting him in trouble, just as he has caused trouble for you.

Trust me. Your greatest revenge will be reforming yourself and becoming the person you want to be. If he never tells her, he will be carrying that with him for as long as they are together. Eventually, he will tell her or break up with her.

So don’t worry about her. You have a much more important person to worry about: yourself.

I wouldn’t tell her, the onus is on him to do so if he deems it necessary. In the mean time, maybe try laying off the weed and alcohol so you don’t keep getting into these random sexual encounters you complain about afterwards? Just some friendly advice

I just want to echo what @aprilsimnel is saying about talking to your therapist about your views of sex. I was thinking a lot about your two stories and when I put them together along with the fact that in the other thread you mentioned having another situation you felt taken advantage of, I’m wondering if there isn’t something in your conscious or subconscious that makes you feel as though you shouldn’t have casual sex, so you get yourself into situations where you can say the guy took advantage of you to absolve yourself of any guilt or responsibility for wanting casual sex. If that is the case, a really good therapist can help with that. If your therapist cannot handle it, you may need to talk with an actual sex therapist instead. Good luck!

@Seaofclouds has said what I have been feeling. I think @aprilsimnel was right and also what @WasCy said.
“I think you’re starting to realize that your decisions to get high and drunk and then ‘let things take their course’ is a way of absolving yourself of responsibility: ’I didn’t have sex with that guy, he took advantage of me.’ It also helps you to avoid the requirement of saying “no” and getting on someone’s bad side or letting them down somehow, or of saying “yes” and appearing to be easy. This way, you don’t have to decide anything, you don’t have to do anything, and you don’t have to say anything: things ‘just happen’, and you had nothing to do with it.”

I think there is the truth.
If you tell the girlfriend, you would be then causing more problems.
Have you thought at all about what you would be doing to these young men if you accused them of “taking advantage of you” or “rape” as you asked in your other question?
Do you understand what the consequences could be for them if your claims are false or exaggerated?

After reflecting on the two events and the feedback that I have gotten here, I would not consider my previous question rape (bear in mind I was never accusing anyone of rape in the first place). And after really removing myself from the situation and taking a step back, I will admit I was wrong to think that the guy in this question took advantage of me. I am not going to tell his girlfriend what happened. I am aware of what the consequences for them would be (I was never even thinking of taking the guy in this question to court though, no way), and I do not think they’d deserve such harsh punishments. I would never, ever want to sent an innocent or undeserving person to jail.

@everephebe @Seaofclouds @WasCy (especially) @aprilsimnel @ladymia69 @wundayatta @wilma I found your responses particularly very helpful. There’s not much else I can say except that you were all spot on. Thank you for helping me realize I played a bigger part than I thought I did. The paragraph wilma just quoted above me has definitely helped me come to terms with my deeper problems.

@tigerlilly2 I am very sorry you had to go through that. Please do not think I am trying to brag, get attention, or whatever it is you may be thinking. I was truly at a loss of how to handle the situations and would’ve rather anonymously gotten advice from people I would never meet than tell people I know personally. I have only told my therapist and 2 of my closest friends, I’d much rather keep everyone else out of it. I really don’t want anyone that knows me to find out about anything. It is sad how desperate for help and advice I got.. but I am glad I was able to benefit from it and now move on. I am very sorry if I rubbed you the wrong way or came across as boastful to you.

@WillWorkForChocolate You have some valid points, but your snark and overall attitude have completely turned me off.

@gailcalled I am not a troll. I am not making these events up, this is my real life. Why you think anyone would want to fabricate such sad circumstances is beyond me. My screen name seems fake because that’s exactly what it is. I am coming onto this site anonymously asking for advice and feedback on some bad situations I got myself into; I am obviously going to give very little thought to what my screen name should be, as it is of no importance to me. You also shouldn’t accuse me of anything just because I know basic English grammar/spelling and am able to type well.

I have decided not to post about the third and final incident, and for a few reasons. The “incident” is really 3 separate occasions that all tie in together, this time time with two men, not one. It’s not complicated, but it would be very lengthy, and I doubt most people would want to read it all. Secondly, I have a pretty good guess at what most of the responses would be, due to the fact that it involves alcohol and putting myself in bad situations. Realizing my mistakes from my previous questions has helped me realize my mistakes in this one. I’m almost positive that posting it would have no purpose and only ignite the same reactions. Lastly, it is also much more graphic and personal, and @tigerlilly2‘s response made me stop and think about if I truly wanted to let such intimate details out about my life, even if it is to people I will never meet. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I did not come on here looking for attention or sympathy for writing so-called “sob stories”. In fact, I wanted the complete opposite. I wanted opinions and advice because that is what is going to help me move forward from this. I got what I wanted, now it is time for me to finally move away from these horrible events and continue my progress in therapy.

Thank you everyone for your feedback, negative or positive. You have all been a big help to me.

@AmberM88 I was actually thinking ‘troll’ as I read this second question…. but then @gailcalled beat me to it.

@AmberM88: If I was mistaken, I apologize.

Edited. Directed towards wrong poster.

@gailcalled i was agreeing with you!

@sarahjane90: Noted. I was rushing, always a bad idea.

@sarahjane90…what’s your point?

@gailcalled Thank you.

Glad to help, @AmberM88 . I hope things get better in the coming year for you!

@AmberM88 I’m glad you seem to have come to some realizations about yourself.
I hope that you can move past these events and be a happier person.
Good luck to you.

I’m reading through this and see a lot of responses with the same message: “It was your responsibility,” “You put yourself in this position,” etc. People always talk about rape prevention in the context of actions that women need to take to protect themselves: don’t get drunk, travel in groups after dark, call someone to let them know you got home safely, etc. It’s as if we’re protecting ourselves from random acts of nature and not from other people who are fully capable of thinking and decision-making.

Yes, we are responsible for making the right decisions to keep ourselves safe. But what about the guy and HIS responsibility to not commit rape? The OP made some bad decisions here, but she wasn’t doing that in a vacuum. The guy chose to do everything that he did. He decided to have sex with her even though she was very intoxicated. Drunken consent is not consent.

As far as telling the girlfriend, if I were the girlfriend I’d want to know. I wouldn’t want to keep dating a guy who had sex with someone else and bragged about it. If he’s spreading the news around like you said, his girlfriend will probably find out on her own.

Anything you tell anybody else just makes you look like a moron.
Since no crime was commited, it gets down to that.
Do you want to look like a tool or not?
If so, tell.
If not, be quiet and do better next time.

If you are seeking professional help, you should discuss this question with your therapist.

@AmberM88 None of my comment were “snarky”, they were bluntly honest. The fac that they seem to have gotten under your skin is probably a good thing at this point in your life. You’re at a crossroads- either you can truly turn around and take full responsibility for your actions instead of making excuses and placing the blame on someone else, or you can keep going straight on the blame game path. It’s up to you.

And frankly, your decision to post both of these stories and blame someone else for your mistakes really turned me off. I guess we’re even.

@AmberM88 If you ever need to tell stories like this again, or if you want to, I think that if you provide more context about yourself, you may get more sympathy. These stories, told in a vacuum, are somewhat prurient. Also, since no one knows anything about you, no one can tell where you’re coming from.

I don’t know, either, and that bothers me. It often bothers me—not just with you. We answer questions purely based on the information in the question, which is never really enough to say anything useful. We provide the same generalizations over and over: see a therapist. Perhaps that’s the only responsible thing to do.

If you want feedback or judgments about your behavior, people are generally happy to do that. It is probably not going to be very supportive, so a stranger asking these questions may be asking, subconsciously, to be beaten up, because she is ashamed of what happened.

You didn’t end up drinking like this and behaving like this from nowhere. Most likely, things that happened in your far past; things that your parents or other trusted adults did to you; play a big role in you ending up where you did.

You are taking responsibility for your actions and it seems like you want feedback in order to change. I think that is helpful. But I also think that @Haleth is right in that those men are also responsible human beings who did things that demonstrate low character.

You might want support for dealing with what you have done and for what happened. It’s hard to get that support without providing context, or without even telling people what you want.

I hope you got what you wanted here, and more. I hope you find better ways to get what you want out of life in the future. I hope you don’t disappear entirely.