What's a non-threatening way to start a conversation with a woman who sits next to you on public transportation?

Bring up the age old favorite, The Weather. Everyone can identify, and it’s very non-threatening. If she is smiling, and sounds chatty and receptive, you can segue into something else.

@jca Brilliant. Simple, unthreatening and opens up possibilities while also leaving room for an easy exit. I love it. (I’m a complete dork, obviously, since this didn’t even occur to me :)

“Hi, my name is X, what’s your name?”

“I really like your X”

Just read her body language and signals from there anddddd you’re fine.

The other old favorite is to ask for the time. Since everyone these days has a cell phone if not a wristwatch, I don’t know if this works anymore. Stick with talking about the weather.

@tedd What if you say “I really like your raincoat” and she says “Thanks”. And that’s it? How do you keep up the pace?

Do you follow up with “I also really like your eyes”? “Thanks”.

“And your hair.” “Thanks again.”

@LostInParadise I’ve asked women the time in public but never know what to say after that. Just assume I’m the biggest dork you’ve ever met and you’ll get a good idea of where I’m coming from.

You could ask at what stop you should get off for so and so. She will probably know the area and assume you don’t leading to lots of conversational possibilities.

@flutherother Ooh, that’s very good. Although, knowing my luck, she’ll just say “Sorry, I’ve no idea.”

Well, if she has a book, comment on it. People usually start up conversations real easily that way. or at least they do with me. But then again, I am a female, who uses public transportation regularly.

@shego You wouldn’t be annoyed? What’s a good question to ask about the book and what’s a bad question? Let’s say someone is reading “Oliver Twist”. What do you say? Or what if you can’t see the cover/title and don’t know what she’s reading? What do you say then? (#sigh# I think I’m hopeless)

The first thing is to make eye contact and smile. I she smiles back, she’ll usually talk. Mistaken identity is always a good opener. “You look familiar. Didn’t I see you today at lunch at Joe’s coffee shop?” “This is going to sound odd, but where you by chance at the Decemberist concert last weekend/Kate White and Bill Brown’s wedding last month/attended State U and were in Dr. Whoha’s statistics class?” If she says no, you say “You have a twin.” You can then go on to ask, Do you like the Decemberists/I’ve been going to a lot of wedding lately/where did you go to college? And you’re having a conversation about something normal.

@deadandforgotten Hey you wanted me to start the conversation for you… not have it.

@BarnacleBill Sounds a little predatory.

@tedd I know. I just have no idea where to go with the conversation if I compliment her coat, for example, and she just says “Thanks”. Her response could mean anything – she might be uncomfortable having conversations with strangers, she might think I’m ugly, she like me but be too shy to show it, etc, etc. So there needs to be some strategy to take it forward after you compliment her coat and she says “Thanks”. I just don’t know what that could be without being a creep.

Not really. It becomes “I’m only talking to you because I think there’s something about you that I think is familiar.” You’re having a conversation, not getting a date. Asking someone out that you meet on public transportation the first time you see them is creepy.

What part of the country do you live in?

@BarnacleBill I’m in London at the moment. Yeah, I guess it requires a certain amount of forcefulness. I’m just not so used to that.

@deadandforgotten No, I only get annoyed when the are looking to see if I’m wearing a ring. But I am a very social person, so I don’t get bothered too much.
If you can’t see the cover of the book, but you can see the spine, you should be able to ask about the author if it’s easily seen. If you know the story about Oliver Twist, then you should be able to talk about the book I personally have never bothered to read it, so I can’t tell what type of questions to ask. But tattoos that are visibly seen is a good conversation starter.

@deadandforgotten Read her real “response” from her saying thanks. Does she look disgusted, frightened? Or is she playing coy, does she have a cute innocent “stupid” girl look that they do when first being courted (no offense ladies).

Then just go from there. Have conversation with her… talk about…. anything…. Ask her what her name is after complimenting… tell her your name, ask where she’s from where she’s going… tell her where you’re from…. If something she answers is something you know something about comment… (for example OHHHH smith street, I have a friend who lives over there!)

I can’t imprint years of social conditioning onto you on Fluther… So just go out there, be yourself, and don’t be afraid to say hi to her. Who the hell cares if she thinks your ugly or something, if you don’t try you’ll never know… The worst she can do is say no.

@shego I wouldn’t start a conversation with someone who had tattoos, so that’s out. I think they’re icky.

If you can’t see the author or the title, what do you say? “What’s that you’re reading? Any good?”

You can say what my friend once said to a perfect stranger while in line at an ATM: Damn, you fine!. I shit you not, the woman he said this to immediately pulled out a scrap of paper, wrote her name and phone number on it and handed it to him – I saw this with my own eyes.

Practice talking to older women on public transportation, as if you were talking to your mom. Once you get comfortable with that and can sense reactions, move on to women your own age.

I think England is a little more formal, and there are more personal boundaries, so it might be a little harder to get started. I live in the midwest/upper south US, and people will chat up people during an elevator ride. Talking to strangers is not really considered unusual. When I was in London, I found people to be quite agreeable to conversation, once they figured out I was harmless. But perhaps that was because I was asking obviously touristy things.

@FutureMemory Yeah, don’t worry, I won’t be trying that line.

@BarnacleBill I like that idea of starting with older women first. But it’s not really the same. It’s like, when I want to talk to someone attractive, I get this massive fear response that’s nothing like when I talk to a “neutral” stranger like an older woman or man. I can actually talk to “neutral” strangers without too much of a problem (I was exaggerating about how socially incompetent I am).

@tedd Yep. You’re right. I’m probably looking for some kind of formula that doesn’t exist. But I think the second question or followup is actually harder than the first. The first remark is much more likely to be interpreted as idle conversation but the second seems to already imply some interest or attraction.

@deadandforgotten I have tattoos. Some tattoos have some really fun stories. Seeing as you are limiting yourself for conversation pieces, I agree with @BarnacleBill
you need some practice.

@shego No offence to you but I just find it a turn off so I wouldn’t talk to someone who had a tattoo. I don’t really consider that limiting myself. Like everyone, there are some things I find attractive and some things I don’t. Just like when I talk to a stranger, some strangers may find me attractive and others won’t. Probably the only two major turn-offs for me are tattoos and smoking. If it’s limiting yourself to not show attraction to people you’re not attracted to, then, yes, ok, I’m limiting myself, if that’s what you mean.

Attractive is just a package. Very ordinary people are attractive. Not all attractive women know it, or are unapproachable. In fact, most of the really attractive women I know end up dating jerks or not dating at all because nice guys are afraid to talk to them. Attractive can be very lonely or shallow because of that.

I think mistaken identity tends to work because when you ask if there is something in common, you are first revealing yourself as a normal person, with a normal life/friends/interests before you ask something about them.

@BarnacleBill Yeah, I know what you mean about mistaken identity but isn’t it one of those things where women immediately think, “oh no, cheesy pickup attempt” – just because you often hear about pickup artists saying stuff like that?

Good point about attractive people, by the way. At the same time, attractive people get approached more by strangers than unattractive people so perhaps they are more defensive in these situations – or more open, I don’t know.

Some might. You can’t control that. I think most see it as a safe attempt to start a conversation.

Do you have someone particular in mind, that you see on public transportation repeatedly?

@BarnacleBill No. I saw someone yesterday that I will never see again and thought at the time “I wish I could have talked to her”. But I didn’t have the nerve to.

I’m going to propose something which might seem a bit odd at first, but I think it’s worth a try.
BE HONEST!
Say hello, talk of weather, and then just tell people your tendency is to be a bit shy and you’re trying to change that. Do they mind if you take a few moments of their time and speak to them about whatever is on THEIR mind this morning, provided it’s not too personal.
We’ve all been there and can sympathize, with someone being shy, and willing to give a shy person the benefit of doubt. Also people like speaking about themselves…
What you have to do is just be careful not to be too judgmental, say, in case they have hidden tattoos or blurt out “Damn! that’s a fine idear! :)
Best of luck to you.

What you have to do is just be careful not to be judgmental.

What do you mean by that?

I actually don’t think @tedd‘s idea of complimentting someone first thing is a good one. If you open with the weather and conversation is going well, then you could compliment something (preferably her clothing and not her looks).

@marinelife You feel it could be discomforting for some people

@deadandforgotten For women from men they don’t know who are sitting next to them (perhaps blocking them in) on public transportation, yes.

@marinelife True (when you put it that way).

Weather is always a good subject. Complaining of the cold is a very excellent topic where I live. If she takes an interest in talking about the weather, bring up another topic then. If she avoids talking or gives a disinterested reply and doesn’t engage eye contact, that is your clue to leave her alone.

She’s not going to care if you tell her you’re usually shy and want to change that… that sounds creepy. Don’t say that. That is too much information about yourself.

If you’re going to say anything about yourself it should after a non-personal, non-threatening subject like the weather and be mildly self-deprecating, like, ‘I should have checked the weather forecast for today. Like a dummy, I left my gloves at home.’.....

If she’s the friendly sort (like me) and will just chat along with a stranger, just to pass the time, you’re in luck, but not everyone is like that. Don’t dive right in and introduce yourself, you’ll sound like a salesman. Not cool. You can introduce yourself and extend your hand after a brief, friendly exchange.

I get royally creeped-out when men start talking to me an an overly eager way. Flags and bells go off and I have changed my route to work and class because of it. (sometimes my friendliness is misconstrued as actual interest and it backfires on me)

Good luck.

You’re letting “attractiveness” (or lack of it) limit you somehow. I talk all the time at “wait times” to anyone who seems receptive. Young, old, male, female, attractive or not, as long as they appear to be non-threatening, sober and moderately intelligent – and not reading a book or otherwise trying to shut out the world.

You have to start looking past the superficialities of “what you find attractive” (or not) and just start talking to “people”. Talking to “people” is almost as easy as talking to dogs, but you have to try harder to understand the people sometimes. So pretend that they’re dogs, and start there.

The first thing I think of when I get on a train or bus is; please no one disturb me…I just want to get to my destination without some stranger attempting to initiate a conversation. But I’m very introverted and shy so there are a lot of people who probably don’t think the same way.

Just be aware of the lady and if she is okay with engaging in a conversation with you, go ahead, but if she looks like she’s not interested or uncomfortable, (which can be hard to tell if they’re trying not to be rude**) then swiftly end it. :P

**The smiling and giggling/laughing may be a sign of her uncomfortableness and not her interest, I think it can be hard to figure out for some guys.

This stuff about “I like your coat” is going to get you ignored. That’s pathetic creeper stuff. Women hate lapdogs. You have to be brazen and funny. Flop down, exasperated, and say, “I am SICK of this winter…just so you know.” Addressing it right at her. Then something like, “Sorry…I know you didn’t sign up to hear my rant, I’ve just had it.” Let it go at that. If she replies or is amused, away you go. If she gives you an uncomfortable smile and looks away, forget it. By the way, this only works if you’re cute or have something else going for you.

Ask her a question. Then observe her tone of voice, facial expression and body language. It’ll tell you whether to go on or not.

This doesn’t really answer the question, so it will probably get modded, but why is a shy guy going for the most difficult and lowest cost/benefit way of picking up meeting a girl? If you’re shy, this is the hardest thing on earth for you to do. Why torture yourself? You’ll only get uncomfortable looks and embarrassing silences.

It takes a lot of confidence to be a pick-up artist. As @Chris_In_Minn, you have to be funny. You have to play to whatever your strength is, and while a shy guy’s strength is probably self-deprecation, it can take decades to learn how to use that well.

I’m a shy guy. Or I was one. Or maybe there’s one still lying in wait, just under the surface. The only time I ever picked up a stranger was when we were enforced seat mates on a plane or a train. But there it’s understood that, “Where are you going? Where are you coming from? What do you do?” are not intrusive questions. If you see her bury her nose in a book, or pull a pillow over her head and turn her iPod up arena concert volume, it’s a pretty good bet she’s not interested. At least, not then. Other than that, the game’s afoot.

You’ll do better if you find less high-stakes environs, where you have more than five minutes to make the sale. Like I said, long distance travel is like that, but much better are clubs or organizations or classes where you get to see the same person over and over, and you can get to know each other slowly.

You’re lonely, so it sounds like you want something serious, not just a one-off quick hitter. You can try the suggestions of others, but in general, the No. 10 bus is not the Las Vegas of London.

‘This has been quite a winter. Did you hear whether it’s going to snow again this week?”

“The bus is really slow today. Must be a lot of traffic.”

‘The Superbowl was quite a game this year. Do you like football?”

“I’m excited about what’s happening in Egypt. Have you seen any of it on tv?

“Isn’t that a cute baby over there?”

I think @BarnacleBill‘s idea of asking if you know her from somewhere is a typical “pickup line.” If a guy used that on me, I would think “couldn’t he come up with something more original?”

I would start taking buses all day long to places that I didn’t even need to go to just to start a conversation with @ilana. I’m just sayin’ is all.