How to get over "what could have been"?

If he feels the same way, then you should look into moving where he is. Or he moving where you are.

You don’t say how old you both are. That makes a big difference.

yeah it makes a big difference, we’re both quite young, only 19, and just starting our studies next year. But we may both move back to the same country to study, but its not sure yet. I dont know, I guess I also just want some advice on how to get over “what could have been”.

Well, it depends on how serious you think it could be. If he is the one, then don’t get over him, move to where he is.

If he is not interested or you think it’s too much trouble to pursue the relationship, then try to meet some new people and do some new things. Don’t go looking for a new love right away, just some friends and activities to take your mind off him.

I guess thats quite reasonable. Thank you first for a good answer – I know its not too easy to wrap your head around someone elses situation. I guess its just hard to accept that I have to move on (if i decide to do so) since he was my first love and all. There’ll always be something special about those first loves. He’ll be the one I’ll always compare my future boyfriends with. But I think maybe I should just take the time to help, if we’re meant to be in the future – we will be together in the future. That’s what I believe at least.

I found my love (now my husband) when I was 19.

I think you should talk to him about how you are feeling and see if he is feeling the same way. If so, make plans to study in the same place and see where it goes.

Write to him. Don’t lose contact as you go through the next few years unless one of you gets involved with someone else and wants to break it off. You’ll never forget him because, as you said, he was your first love. You’re wise to realize that you’re young and will continue to move towards true adulthood. College changes many people. And one reason so many really young marriages end in divorce is that your personalities continue to mature through your 20’s. (and longer) You may move in different directions. But, that said, keep in touch. You may be friends forever.

I think it’s important that you tell him how you feel. Feelings of ‘what if’ can go on for years. You may need closure to get over it, and him telling you he doesn’t feel the same way would do it. However if he does feel the same way, problem solved, you be with each other. Good luck hun.

If you decide you want to get over it, you only need to realize that “what could have been” is always an ideal that your mind comes up with. Real life can never live up to “what could have been”. It’s pure bullshit that the id uses to fuck with the ego.

As simple as it sounds, and as hard as it is to do, sticking by whatever decision you make and putting 100% effort toward making it happen is the one true cure to get over “what could have been”.

At 19, life is just beginning. People walk in and out of your lives all the time. There is nothing to say that you will not end up studying in the same place, or after university, move to the same city. The days are long, but the years are short.

I agree with @Blondesjon that your idealized version of “what could have been” is just a sweet, little fantasy. You were smitten with this fellow, but you weren’t together long enough to really get to know him. You were caught up in the first flush of passion. There will be lots of potential “he’s the ones” that will come into your life. I don’t believe that people have one soul mate. There are many people that could potentially end up being the “almost perfect” mate for you. There is no perfect mate for anyone, but there are lots of people who will come close.

You have to make a decision as to whether you want to find out how this particular fellow feels about you and his answer might lead you to your next decision. If he feels the same way about you, then you need to make some decisions about whether you or he want to move to be in the same country. If you want to know for sure how he feels about you, ask him.

Or the decision might be to “attempt” to start up some type of long distance romance. In my opinion, long distance romances that start when the couple has not already formed a long-time real relationship in the same city, are practically doomed, because you will be living an “image life” not a real life with that person.

If you ask him and he doesn’t feel the same way about your, or doesn’t think that persuing a long distance romance is a useful endeavour, then you need to put him in the back of your mind and start asking yourself some questions about what you do want in the next several years.

Do you want to concentrate on your schooling and keep romance out of your way? Do you want to go to school and look for a new boyfriend who is in the same city? Either way, if the first fellow can’t/won’t be with you, you need to come up with thoughts and activities that you actively persue whenever the thought of this fellow pops into your head. Do something else, instead of thinking about him. Take a walk, call a friend, organize something, plan something, make up a mantra and say it. The only way to get over someone is to do something else, but you have to make up your mind first, that you are actually going to “get over” him or else you will just obsess over him endlessly and that will interfere with any other thing you want to do.

@Sunny2 Thank you for a great answer. You’re point of view is the one closest to my actual point of view in this, but I’ve just been too insecure to follow through with any of my thoughts about this. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum. I want to tell him how I feel but at the same time I’m afraid I will push him away by doing it(not that I can push him that much further away as he lives in another continent, with a different time zone and all), he’s just not really the type for committing. I just want to stay in touch and hopefully we’ll be friends forever or at least have each other in our lives.

@Kardamom I was smitten by this fellow, that is true. I’m a bit obsessed, that is also true. And I do need a hobby to get over him. I know I’m contradicting myself by saying this, but it’s hard to explain; in one way I want to get over him, to move on and not be having to feel this sadness when I think about him and the fact that I’m not where he is.. and how incredibly much I miss him. But in the other way I dont want to get over him. Because getting over him will mean cutting all the contact, which will end with me loosing him. It was not just a simple crush, it was something more – and is it so wrong of me to hold on to this? Is it so wrong of me to want this person to be in my life for as long as possible, even just as friends. Before those three months of passion we were close friends – and I think that’s what I’m holding on to.

thank you for a really great answer, it lead me on to a lot of things that I hadn’t really concidered deeply enough and it gave me a different point of view. I think I need to tell him how I feel – he needs to know. I know I’m gonna concentrate on my school work for now on, but I still want us to stay friends as we might be studying in the same city next year. Maybe the best thing for me to do is to tell him all this, just lay it all out and then we can talk it over together. I know its not realistic for us even to concider a long distance relationship. But as long as we can keep in touch, I think that’ll make me happy. And as for that I think I’ll just wait and see and take the time for help. We’re actually planning for me to come visit him this summer, I dont know if its a good idea. But I’m only young and stupid once so if I get my heart broken again by leaving him, that’s just something I have to deal with.

@kariper No ultimatums. You don’t have to tell him how you feel. Just tell him you’d like to stay in touch. I assume you have his email address. Be yourself in your letters. Ask him questions so he’ll have something to answer. Be amusing, charming and interesting. (btw that’s how my mom ended up marrying my dad. They had a summer fling that she wasn’t willing to let go. She kept him writing until they could get together again.)

@Sunny2 Thank you for helping me with my quite pathetic love life haha. I like your advice so I think Im gonna follow through with it, stay in touch with him and hope that our futures bring us together. I like that story about your mum and dad, it gives me the hope that love can happen for all of us – and that sometimes we should believe in the passion and feelings of those little flings.