What's the most polite way to tell your relatives not to bring their kids to your wedding?

In the invitation, just list it as follows:

“This wedding has been rated “R” by the MPAA (Marital Participants Association of America) for adult content, language, strong sexual themes, and brief nudity.”

Other than that, just tell them – it’s small, and it’s your wedding, and with enough notice they should be able to find a babysitter.

@iamthemob Lol!! That’s a good one.. I didn’t think about that.. hahaha!

I find the best way to deal with a request that some people find offensive potentially is to make it sound as light-hearted as possible.

Letting people know that it’s a request in the vein of ensuring that everyone – and especially you whose wedding it is – is meant to have a good time and is there to have fun, makes them more likely to hear it in my experience – and, further, to actually respect it.

Tell your guest you are planning a small wedding and that you want to be able to invite as many adults as possible but that if you start to invite whole families that it will mean having to leave out some family members. Also point out that your friend is only allowing you to hold your wedding there if there are no children because she doesn’t want to risk any children getting injured around the pool.
Or you can say that your friend is only allowing so many people for the event or you will have to find somewhere else to have the wedding that you cannot afford.

@Pandora Great idea! I’ll just blame it all on my friend.. hahaha!! She won’t mind ;-)

LOL, I know if it were my house, I wouldn’t want that insurance risk. I wouldn’t mind taking the blame either. If your guest cannot find a babysitter for one evening than they really didn’t want to come anyway. Plus it leaves you more room to invite the people worth having.
I never did get why some people insist on bring the children to a wedding. Music gets loud, their is usually a lot of drinking, someone acts a total fool, it takes a while before your fed, and some ceremonies are long winded and even the adults get bored.

Please specify directly in the paste on the line, that is your wedding is best not to kids adult games

There is no way to do this without giving offence, as it’s inherently offensive. Just don’t invite your relatives with children, which will probably annoy them anyway, but not as much as telling them you don’t want their children there.

I’m with @meiosis . There’s no way you can do this without offending them. If I was told, when my daughter was under 10, that I’d been invited to a wedding but couldn’t bring her, I would not only not attend the wedding, but that would be the end of my friendship with the person getting married, and I certainly would never speak to them again. Even if it was family.

@meiosis how is this inherently offensive? Is it inherently offensive of the cinema to ask you not to bring your child to the latest slasher movie? Is it inherently offensive of the nightclub to ask you not to bring your child? Is it inherently offensive of the death defying rollercoaster attendant to ask you not to bring your child? If @kheredia wants THEIR wedding to be an adult only affair then that is THEIR choice.

@downtide we had a no kids rule at our wedding and I can assure you we didn’t lose one friend over that. In fact a few even commented on how nice it was to have a fun adult time.

that sounded a bit wrong, by adult time I don’t mean it was some kind of swingers party, lol

@RareDenver Weddings are family occasions, unlike the other situations you mention. Saying “I want you and you, but not you” is, to my mind, offensive.

I wouldn’t say it was “inherently offensive”, but I would say it is outside of what is considered regular. A large portion of society views a wedding as a family celebration; it’s a time for extended family to come together, create memories, and yes, let the kiddies get to know their aunt Martha.
Since this wedding is outside what is traditional (I believe you may do whatever you like on your wedding day. It’s my only rationale for those god-awful medieval themed weddings.) it will take a little more explanation.
I’d write it very clearly on the RSVP cards that only adult family members are invited. Of course someone is going to be upset about that, and might just bring kids anyway.
I would not place the blame on your host or her insurance fears because, well first of all it’s not true. You said so yourself. Don’t lie. If you want a different sort of wedding, own up to it.

@meiosis a wedding is whatever the couple getting married want it to be, there is no rule book saying it must be a family event.

@RareDenver

“a wedding is whatever the couple getting married want it to be, there is no rule book saying it must be a family event.”

I agree.
The only people invited to my last wedding were my wife, me, and the officiator.

@RareDenver No, there’s no rule book, but given that the vast majority of wedding are family occasions it’s generally going to upset some people if you say to them “I don’t want some of your family to attend”. The betrothed couple are free to invite who they like for whatever form of celebration they like, but that doesn’t detract from the idea that telling someone that a portion of their family is not welcome is offensive.

I have attended and been a part of many weddings and not a single one allowed kids who weren’t part of the wedding party. It blows my mind that people would be offended by someone not wanting small children at such an event. If someone’s going to make it all about them and be that offended by what you want on your day, I don’t think they’re worth the trouble; who cares if they’re offended?

Why would someone be offended at this request? I wouldn’t want little kids at my wedding, running around, making noise, spilling, breaking… Who want to be concerned with that when they’re getting married? I’m shocked that this would even be an issue for someone, it’s your wedding day – not theirs!!

I think kids are inherently irritating – especially if you yourself do not have any.

“Childcare will be provided”

“Here is a list of reliable babysitters in the area for children of guests”

If you make it seem that you’re making allowances and arranging for somewhere for people’s kids to be (you’d have to think of where or who would be able to take on that kind of responsibility), you’re telling them that they’re not allowed but in a way that shows that you’re being considerate. It seems more like you’re arranging adult time rather than telling them that they’re not allowed to bring their kids. If people want to question that, you can then tell them about your friend “the bitch” who doesn’t want kids near the pool or whatever to make it clear that children aren’t welcome.

@meiosis Its not offensive at all. At all. Weddings are about the couple and the celebration of their union, not about cousin Judy’s bratty kids being there to witness anything and to destroy the reception by jumping in the pool and so on. The vast majority of people here don’t find it offensive, could you try and see the other side?

Are your guests with children all in-town or out-of-town? If they are out-of-town, then it will be hard to suggest that the children not come, unless you’re intimating that the guests not come.

Usually you would address this by putting the names of those actually invited to the wedding on the inner envelope, and guests are to take their cue from there—“Sally” means come alone, “Sally and guest” means bring a date, “Frank, Vickie, Katherine, Sarah and Liz” or “Frank, Vickie and family” means bring the kids, “Frank and Vickie” means adults only.

If you mail the invitation 4 weeks in advance, everyone has enough notice to get a sitter.

I think it must be a cultural thing. I’ve never even heard of a wedding where children wouldn’t be invited, let alone been invited to one. I wouldn’t want to go to such a wedding even if I didn’t have kids – what joyless, saccharine events they must be. In England at least, weddings are generally considered to be family affairs and it would be downright odd and unforgivably rude to offer a partial invitation.

@meiosis So you assume that everyone has to have the same kind of wedding that you’re used to and if they don’t then they’re “unforgivably rude?” And there’s something wrong with them? That their wedding is “joyless” just because there aren’t children there? Really? Seriously?

@meiosis I’m English

@MacBean @sarahjane90 @klutzaroo I’m inviting you and your family over for Christmas this year, but please don’t bring your mother. She’s old and the way she repeats herself and shuffles about irritates me, and will ruin the perfect Christmas I’ve got planned.

@meiosis Okay. See you then!

Also note that Christmas is not a once-in-a-lifetime event that is centered around you. I’d still be cool with you inviting only exactly who you want there, though.

@RareDenver Have you been to many weddings where there was a no children rule?

@meiosis That’s ok, I’m ready to have a night off from the old bitch anyway. She tears everything up, screams in the middle of dinner, throws food, breaks shit, will take off her clothes and jump in the pool. She won’t like being there anyway, so I’ll give her some Cheerio’s and put A Christmas Story on the TV and leave her with someone she likes and she’ll be set.

Marriage used to be a union between a man and a woman such that children born to the woman are the recognized legitimate offspring of both partners under God, therefore it was very a family orientated occasion and accepting of children.
Nowadays it is often just regarded as a civil contract irrespective of religious affiliation for legal, social, emotional and economical reasons.

I think it would be better to keep the phrase ‘marriage’ for the older spiritual/religious type union and use another word for the new age version (civil union?), this would perhaps make people more understanding and accepting to children being excluded.

@Odysseus That’s why its called a “wedding.” The “marriage,” as you define it, starts after a certain point in the “wedding.” There’s no need to call it anything other than a wedding (especially not a “civil union”) since people are allowed at any point to invite whoever they wish and not invite whoever they wish to their weddings, ceremonies to introduce the beginning of a marriage.

@klutzaroo , by that logic Is the wedding over as soon as they say “I Do ?”
lol

@Odysseus The wedding is over as soon as the ceremony is declared closed and they walk out. The reception for the wedding then often begins. The marriage itself is unchanged from the traditional for many people (or close enough to make no nevermind). There’s no need to call it something different just because you don’t want a lot of bratty kids running around and acting out at your ceremony and reception. Marriage is still marriage. But the ceremony itself isn’t the marriage, the life lived after is the marriage.

nice quick edit @klutzaroo .
I was only stating my opinion , if people don’t love the joy that children bring I don’t see the point in getting married. maybe I’m just weird.

@meiosis I would guess about 60% with kids and 40% without

@Odysseus You can still have kids without having to have them at your ceremony. You don’t see the point in getting married if you’re not going to have kids or you don’t see the point in getting married (having a wedding) without a teething baby screaming in the back row and siblings bickering but their parents not wanting to take them out and… ?

It is absolutely unnecessary to have children at a wedding ceremony and reception if you do not wish them to be there. If you wish to have an elegant (small, whatever), adult celebration with people who will actually appreciate it and not be whining about having to dress up and wanting to go home to watch Dora, you should absolutely be able to do it without being condemned for it. Because there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with it.

@klutzaroo , both

I’m surprised, @RareDenver. You must move in different social circles to me. I’ve seriously never heard of such a thing, and from a quick straw poll in the office no-one here has either.

Yet, @meiosis, that doesn’t make it “wrong,” or “bad,” or “inherently offensive.” It just makes it different and outside your realm of experience.

Given that offence is in the eye of the beholder, you’re wrong @klutzaroo. Telling me that my kids aren’t welcome is inherently offensive. I don’t like all my friends’ children, but if I told them this (or words to that effect) I would be a fool not to expect them to get offended. You’re also making prejudicial assumptions about my kids’ behaviour, and my ability to control it, presumably based on previous bad experiences you’ve had with other children and parents.

Not that you don’t have a right to be offensive, you most certainly do whilst I don’t have a right not to be offended – I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I don’t think it’s “bad” or “wrong” (not sure why you put those words in quotes, it certainly wasn’t quoting me), but it is rude and, in a misanthropic way, odd.

We were invited to a wedding last year; our kids were not. I cannot remember how it was specifically phrased on the invitation. Something like, “No children under the age of 18.” I was not offended, but I found it funny as we would be coming from a 1000 miles away. I wondered what we were supposed to do with the kids. We did not attend the wedding.

It is your wedding. Don’t invite children if you do not want to, but do expect some people to be offended. I also suggest if you have out of town invitees who have children, you create a list or something for child care services during the wedding/reception. This would at least give the impression you care about the family’s predicament.

The generalizations that all children under the age of 10 are bratty is entirely inaccurate. My children act appropriately to the situation. There are times to sit still and times to play; times to be loud and times to be quiet. I do understand this is not true for every family or child.

@optimisticpessimist True not all children under 10 behave bratty but it would be even more offensive to say to some family members that their children weren’t allowed and others are because of their difference in behavior. Much easier to do things with a broad stroke. I too was invited to weddings where children were not allowed when my childrent were not invited. But I never felt offended.
I think that people should also consider the fact that many couples use caterers and at 25 dollars and higher a plate that adding all those extra little mouths to feed can be really expensive.
So should friends of bride and groom not be invited so all the little tykes of the family go?
Pesonally I think weddings should only include family members and friends that the bride and groom feel close too. I never understood why some people feel inclined to invite people who had to be reminded of how they are related. Or a business associate who could really care less about your wedding but feels inclined to go because they don’t want to offend the bride or groom.
Also, a lot of people go to weddings looking forward to celebrating the big day which may equal to no watching what the kids are doing.
I been to a lot of family gatherings where the kids run wild and the parents feel they can take the day off from being a parent or the opposite happens. The parents are so concern that their kids are going to make a scene that they make everyone around them feel uncomfortable about the pressure they are putting the kid in. Not letting them move about at all except to go to the bathroom.
A wedding is just not the place for this. There are kids parties, adult parties, and family celebrations. There is a time and a place for everything.

I just scrolled through the above answers, so forgive me if this is just a repeat…

We’ve been a few weddings where children were not invited, and the invitation simply included an “adults only please” statement. We also go by the way the invitation is addressed. If it is to “Mr. and Mrs. Austen” we assume the kids aren’t invited. If it says “The Austen Family” or “Mr. and Mrs. Austen and Family,” we assume the children are included.

It sounds like there are a lot of children in your family. Maybe you could help arrange some kind of affordable childcare? I think it is perfectly reasonable to request that children don’t attend, but you also have to be prepared for the reality your guests with children will face. Hiring a sitter for the many hours involved in a wedding, on top of purchasing a gift and paying for travel arrangements, might be too much of an expense for some guests. If people with children decline to attend, it could just be a cost factor and not because they are offended in some way. If you know some responsible teen or teens who would like to earn some money, maybe ask if they could babysit. That information could be included in the invitation. You have every right to have the wedding you want, but your guests also have the right to decline the invitation if they are unable or unwilling to find childcare.

Personally, I prefer to go to weddings without my kids. Two of them are under 10 and quite capable of behaving at a wedding, tyvm! It’s really nice to have an excuse to get out alone with my husband, so going to a wedding is like a date for us! However, we are very lucky to live near his parents, who babysit for free whenever we ask. Not everyone has that luxury.

I repeat. I was not offended. I just did not understand the logistics of arranging childcare when all the people we knew would be at the wedding and I would not be familiar with the area and services available. Yes, I know the internet maybe very helpful in that arena; however, I am picky about who takes care of my children, particularly before they can talk.

I have been to weddings where the kids are invited and ones where they are not. I think it is certainly acceptable to not invite them. As Miss Austen says, you can simply address the invitation to Mr and Mrs. In addition, I would put something in the invitation like, “Because this is to be a small wedding, we kindly request that you not bring your children.” If they are coming from far away and you can provide some babysitting solutions for them, that would be lovely but it is strictly optional.

You simply tell them that the reception is adults only. I completely understand. It’s your day, your rules. So you don’t worry about this too much, also have a close family member or appropriate person in the Wedding party go over it with any people you think may need a gentle reminder.
Congrats!!!!

You could have a serious liability problem, concerning a swimming pool and small children.

I would discuss this with the pools owner and your mother.

Advising this potential problem on your invitations works two ways for you. It gives the parents notice of a pending problem and hopefully they will find a babysitter for that day.

I believe the bride has the perogative to invite who they want to their wedding. Small children have no place at evening weddings for sure. Generally, children enjoy family events because it’s a chance to get together with cousins. It doesn’t sound like this setting will be conducive to children running around, loosely supervised.

@meiosis personally I would prefer Xmas without kids. That means there is no screaming, more dirty jokes, and more alcohol! Bring it on!

Teenagers are probably ok. But I wouldn’t want 4 year old Jack and Jill crashing my party.

And I guess, depending on who it is, maybe they don’t like my mother. Ie, my father! I’m not going to decline having a relationship because she wouldn’t be invited.

I do remember going to a wedding once when I was young, but I believe that was the only one I had been to at that age. The particular wedding happened to be on a very large farm, with a small playground and lots of space for the kids to be running around. I don’t even think most of us watched the wedding. Perhaps it depends on whether the environment you have chosen is conducive to having children running around, with enough proximity between the adults and kids to still make for an enjoyable event!

I think the easiest way is to say on the invitation that this is an 18+ wedding. Meaning that children may find it very uncomfortable to be there and are highly recommended to not attend. Just state it clearly but politely. Don’t say “don’t bring your brats!” but of course you know that :P If someone needs accommodations for some one to watch their kid while they are at your wedding, you should try to help out on that at least.

@meiosis Everyone doesn’t have a stick up their butt like some people. So no. Offensive to some people (who are where the “odd” comes in), not to most. The difference is in the eyes of the majority. If people are so uptight that they want to find this offensive, they’ll likely find many things offensive and decide not to come. Which will probably be a wonderful thing because who really wants a wet blanket who’s looking to be offended at your wedding anyway? Not wanting kids is about more than just the bratty kids. Its about allowing parents a night off. If you can’t appreciate a night off… well, that’s your problem. Your own personal problem that doesn’t need to be assigned to other people.

I really like @iamthemob‘s suggestion.

@meiosis I don’t think it’s cultural (though it could be) to have a wedding that doesn’t involve children. Maybe more of a generational thing and/or having to do with class (our family is mostly lower income)? I’ve never been to a wedding that didn’t involve children. I never saw them as brats ruining a wedding. If anything, they made the wedding more enjoyable. They can do and say some funny things! :)

My second amusing suggestion would be: “Please do not bring your children unless you plan to bring enough children to share with everyone.”

I have been to many weddings where our children were not invited (actually most of them). The invitations simply said, “Mr. & Mrs. BlahBlah”. Although we would have liked to have taken them and our kids were disappointed we went on our own. I can understand why people don’t want kids. When you are paying $40/$50/$60 a head for dinner and the caterer is not giving you a break for kids…then it can be hard to come up the extra cash to pay for them.

That being said, with having families living all over the place often the only time you get to see all the extended family is at weddings and funerals. I think it is important to try to figure out a way to have kids there.

We had kids at ours and I don’t regret it.

To answer your question: Just put the names of the people who are invited on the invitation.

By the way, there will be a ton of children at my wedding because its the only time my whole extended family makes an effort to come together, kids and all. My family have been reproducing like rabbits and every member of my bridal party has at least one child. However, I respect others rights to not have kids at theirs. Its possible to be different without being “bad” or “offensive.”

This is ridiculous! Why are people offended! When my daughter was 2 and over I gave anything to have time away. Tell the attending parties you want to have a “romantic date night theme” and children are not involved in the commencing adult theme. If the people don’t want or can’t find babysitters and don’t show up, it’s their loss if their offended..who cares! Maybe they don’t like your dress either WHO CARES IT’S YOUR CHOICE! I say ask your mother why your family would be offended?
Myself I would get upset I have issues with people always trying to have things selfishly their way even when it’s not their moment…thats a big deal for me. Fight for your rights girl! Maybe your mother should of never put the thought in your head, because at the end of the day sometimes in certain areas of your life it’s ok to be selfish, your mom should know that too. I hope it works out in your best interest.

I think that this is one of those times where @Meego‘s indignation is actually righteously righteous.

However, as much as it is the bride and grooms day, a wedding is also a statement in front of the community of responsibilities and commitments you’re taking on. It’s asking, in many ways, that public to recognize the official nature of your relationship.

Further, let’s all be honest – attempting to put together the event is more often about taking other people’s feelings into consideration (think of the table arrangements! ;-)), and the event itself never looks fun for the bride and groom much of the time. Receiving lines, greeting guests, the constant thank you’s – lord, and the often overbearing parental control!

In the end, the only way to really have a wedding that is your own is to elope.

@iamthemob I am soooo with you. In fact, if I had to do it all over again I would elope.

@iamthemob I loved our wedding, the first thing I said to my wife when we woke up was “Can we do that whole day again?”

BTW I also just have to state that you better make damn sure if children are involved then the parents also better bring the kids to the stag and doe party, and little Annie better be on the brides night out to the local strip club invitation..oh but that would probably be offensive if you invited their children to that though!

I agree eloping is the only fully selfish way, then you can deal later with the offended family that “didn’t get to be at your wedding”.

I think that not having children at weddings is a relatively recent phenomena. Back when people got married in their local church and then had their reception at the local community centre where all the women would pitch in a cook for everyone…children were invited.

It wasn’t until the wedding industry took over and started increasing costs to insane levels that children started to be excluded.

It’s a shame in my books.

Maybe this “no-kids-at-weddings” is an exclusively US thing. I have never heard of it in the UK. I would still have been offended if my daughter had been excluded from a family member’s wedding because of her age.

Unless they were having a BDSM wedding in a torture dungeon, or something like that…

This always seems to be a charged situation. Here’s the thing, though: if you don’t want kids at your wedding, that’s your prerogative. People don’t need to be offended. BUT and this is a big but, if they can’t come to your wedding because they can’t leave the kids or don’t want to, you can’t get offended either. Simple as that. And you just wait till you have children.

Nice answer @Simone_De_Beauvoir. For many families, their babysitters are other family members. What’s a couple to do if all the family members are at the wedding? Can be very frustrating, especially for those that can’t afford a babysitter.

I don’t think anyone would actually be offended, just upset that they would have to miss out if they can’t find anyone to look after their children.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I agree. I think it’s also safe to say we are along way from the “cookie cutter” weddings of used to be. Nowadays it seems more bigger better and different is what is in..and that’s a long way from the typical used to be church ceremonies, times they are a changing. I am also not against children at weddings, just needed to throw that in. I’m all about do what you feel is right, I apply that to all parts of life, because the only one who will pay for your mistake is you, if you dont think it’s a mistake you won’t pay for it. :)

When I was married in 1995, we stipulated that we did not want toddlers or baby’s at the wedding ceremony ( in the church ) as we did not want our vows disrupted by crying or uncontrolled outbursts or tantrums… all our guest respected our wishes… children were allowed to the reception after the ceremony although a cresh was provided by the venue away from the main event, so parents could choose to bring their little ones & still be able to relax & have a good evening……

I don’t particularly find it offensive, nor do I think it’s malicious not to invite children. However, some people might. Some people might not want to attend for that reason and some may not attend because they simply can’t. If it’s a small wedding you want, it’s a small wedding you shall get.

I remember one of my friends telling me that he had to babysit a room full of loud, sugar-high children for a wedding. They had a special designated room for the children. Just a suggestive alternative, maybe you could arrange a type of “day care” room or have someone “take shifts” watching them.

@klutzaroo Straw men and ad hominen attacks. Dear oh dear…

I spent a lot of time planning weddings, it’s simple. On the RSVP card, you can say it very clearly, “Please, no children.” Another bride choice the wording, “Due to the location and space restrictions, children cannot attend.”

There is going to be grumbling and someone will bring their child. They’ll think they are the exception. It always happens. It’s up to you, at that point, whether or not to allow them to attend.

Remember, the day is for you and your groom.

Maybe you can plan a casual event to include children, do not register for gifts though, at a later date.

Guys, offensive or not, I WILL NOT have children in my wedding because if I were to allow that there would be more children than adults and that is just not right. Unfortunately, every single one of my cousins has two or more kids and that’s just too much for me to deal with in a house which is not mine and has a pool. I just want to bring it up as politely as possible. I know some of them will be offended by that but I just hope they can understand and put themselves in my shoes. Everybody I’m inviting is just driving distance from the location so it’s not like i’m asking them to leave their children for a whole weekend. It’s just one evening and if they want to attend then they’ll find a baby sitter for that one evening.

@kheredia: Do what you need to do and enjoy your day. I worked with too many brides that gave in to family requests that they had no desire to do. It’s your day. Enjoy it!

Also, some wedding planner info – eat. Please eat at your reception. Also, if you don’t eat, pack a picnic basket of snacks! I always sent my bride and groom off with a basket of fruits, cheeses, sandwiches, cookies, brownies and drinks. For some reason brides spend more time greeting people than getting to enjoy their time. I made that mistake the first time I got married, not the second!

Good luck to you!

@cak Thanks! I’ll keep all that in mind :-)

ooohh!! @jonsblond is responding. I love jonsblond!

@cak I gave in to my mom about the date (yes, the date!) of the wedding and my bridesmaid concerning her dress color (she didn’t like the color I chose). ugh I almost wish I could do it over again. I love you too! :D

I hope you enjoy your day @kheredia. :)

@jonsblond: yeah, I gave in to the date, the dress, the location and who was in the wedding. Oh and then the menu. Not the second time. We had less than 100 people and had the time of our lives. Food was great, everyone had fun and luckily, being in the business, I called in favors and had great things. Today fun, really relaxed and no bad hair or crappy attitudes!

@cak @jonsblond I already have mine put together and I’m not even officially engaged yet… Meaning that I haven’t let my mother in on what a lot of other people know about. ;) Date, colors, location (town, not specific venues yet), who… its all done and they’re just going to have to live with it. :D They’ll have some say in the food, but only because they’re paying for it and not much at that.

@klutzaroo – Good for you! :)

@cak I think I need a cookie for that. ;)

Have one!