Do physically abusive relationships ever have hope?

I can only give you the point of view from some who worked in a battered women shelter. There were so many, “But we had a deal” statements (such as your friends) that it started to make me physically ill. Not with the women. She had love, hope and loyalty on her side. The recidivism rate was high, more than 70%.

I just hope she does the best thing for him. Maybe moving out, while he’s going through anger management and for a long period of time to see if there is any change.

I’m more of a pessimistic person when it comes to this, only because of things I have seen.

He beat “the crap out of her”. Do you do that to someone you love? He’s got problems and she should get as far away as possible. :(

I don’t personally know anyone in that situation…..But I did kinda know a couple like that who lived in my building (above me) .....

I asked This in 09…I would classify this as really worse case than your friend currently is but it can get to unfortunately for this couple they couldn’t “fix” the problem and it didn’t end well…..they carried on like that for “months” until she finally killed him….

I Hope your friends relationship can be worked out so nothing bad happens and they can learn to enjoy each other… Or they realize it can’t be fixed (if it continues) and break up…

The chances of turning the situation around are infinitesimal. Tell her to take pictures the next time it happens – and it will happen – and to press charges.
It’s over. The relationship failed the first time he hit her. She needs to save herself.
Sorry. :-(

Domestic violence is on the rise, across America. I have answered calls where couples have practically killed each other with assaults, yet beg the police to not arrest the other party.

Hate/love relationships do exist. Some women(and men)stay in these relationships for various reasons. One or the other can be a dependent and they just get accustomed to the beatings. Some women(and men) actutally love this situation. And, some people end in prison or dead.

Each couple is different. One couple stands out. He was retired from the military. She had been a military wife, forever. People could tell she was being abused by her husband, He would not let her drive a car, use the phone or computer, have friends or voice her opinions. He was a 100% control freak over his wife.

She endured this torture, for whatever reasons, for many years. Finally, one day, he died. She did not cry and for once had a smile on her face.

Abusive relationship are dependent entirely on the couple. It’s really a gamble at life.

I very much doubt it… I kept going back and it never changed and it did end up with me pressing charges and leaving… that’s the only way it stopped. I made it stop. He shortly got involved in another relationship and he beat her up too, she pressed charges against him once but went back to him and they’re getting married. He was and perhaps still is an alcoholic and
don’t see him ever changing but I suppose it’s possible.

I wish your friend all the best xxx

@nebule Good for you! You’re worth more than that!

If he’s hitting her at all he needs help, and immediately. She should probably get away from him until he gets some kind of serious help. Now this isn’t to say, totally dump him and give up on him… A lot of times people can be physically abusive to people they DO in fact love and care about… whether it be how they were raised, or some mental issue, or whatever….But she needs to put some distance between them and make clear to him that he needs to seek help immediately.

In my opinion, it’s not likely that they’ll be able to have a healthy relationship.

However, kudos to him for trying to get help with his anger. People can change, if they really want to. I really hope that your friend will be strong enough to leave him if he keeps up the behaviour.

It sounds, though, that the couple has discussed it rationally, and that he is sincerely making an effort. I wish them the best. Keep in touch with her and try to make sure she’s doing okay.

Apparently, some programs do have a 90% success rate. It depends on the program.

But your friend probably needs counseling too to help her leave should he slide back:

“About 75% of the calls to law enforcement for intervention and assistance in domestic violence occur after separation from batterers. One study revealed that half of the homicides of female spouses and partners were committed by men after separation from batterers (Barbara Hart, Remarks to the Task Force on Child Abuse and Neglect, April 1992)” aardvarc.org

Unfortunately I hold little hope. He has complete disrespect for her. She also needs to respect herself. There is more than likely emotional abuse going on as well.
I was in a relationship like this and you initialy go into denial. You feel shame if you make a call to the Police. You then may have hope and put a plan together to try to help it with therapy. This is very typical. And yes, there are two sides to every story, but physical abuse is domestic violence period.
Many states have laws on the books now related to domestic violence calls. She certainly needs to call if another event occurs to ensure it is noted and documented.. Depending on the laws of the state the Police will ensure he is removed from the house and a variety of things such as court, anger management meetings, etc will go into play.
She however needs to come to terms with all of what happened and communicate to him and herself and draw a solid line. She has to come to terms also to stand ground on any decision made if ever crossed again.
She deserves better than this. In my case, I did have hope, I did stay, I did attempt to support any issues or underlying issues. But I was not broken and only the person that has the issue can make the change in themselves.
It did not work in the long run in my situation.

Have you considered saying to your friend,“It’s possible it will work out. It’s likely it won’t. But there is love out there for you. So go.”

If she’s afraid of his reaction then that’s a good indication it’s going to go to a bad place whatever she does – so get out.

When we’re in love, and things are going bad, we tend to think that leaving someone will make things intolerably worse. It’s not true. It makes them bad in another way, yes, it does. But it will get better, especially if she has friends or family to lean on.

Thank you, all for your answers. In an attempt to keep my question short, I left out my own concerns about how to be a GOOD friend to her during this. She is a tough lady and ironically warns me about ALL the men I date.

I sense her discomfort at times when I discuss my concerns with her. At first, I was very angry. Also, he is an alcoholic like @nebule mentioned. :(

I am just really lost on this one because she is like my big sister, the wise-all-knowing-one. And to hear this makes me feel helpless. I don’t want to push her away but I also feel strongly about expressing my concerns to her. It appears that neither of them are really taking care of themselves, or their own needs – things which she has preached to me relentlessly. I guess the saying is true, you can give out better advice than you take for yourself.

Thank you, thank you for your personal stories and advice. I <3 jellies

How do you encourage someone to take a course of action without preaching to them? You want them to still hear you instead of tuning you out.

One thing you can do is to be there for her. Listen to her when she wants to talk. Perhaps resist giving advice unless she asks for it.

The other thing would be to keep on showing you believe in her, and that you know she can do what she has to do. I think sometimes that can help people believe in themselves, and move out of self-destructive places and into more health places—perhaps even with a healthy relationship.

But I don’t think people stay in abusive relationships unless part of them feels like they need to be punished. They have been bad. It’s kind of a form of depression. Maybe the abuse even satisfies her on some interior, psychological level. There have been times in my life when I have felt I deserve nothing other than pain.

Theoretically, a person can work on themselves and stop being abusive, but it rarely happens, and when it does happen successfully, they’re almost never in relationships but rather alone so they can focus on themselves and not the relationship.

I have been on the receiving end of domestic violence and it never gets better. The first time it happened, the relationship was over and she should walk away with whatever dignity she can muster. They have pact that she can call the police “the next time”? Well, if he has beaten her so badly in the past that she is bruised and cannot work, the next time, she may not be able to call the police. He is out of control to the point where he may kill her and he certainly will if he believes the police will be called and he will go to jail and have a record of CDV. If she is truly your friend, advice her to leave him until he gets his anger under control and then date him & see if the anger mgmt has had any effect, if she still have any feelings for him at that point, but she does NOT need to be living with him. I’m so sorry for any woman who is subjected to this, but she cannot love enough to make it not happen again—- I know, I tried.

It may be possible, and I’d be curious to know what the statistics are for people who have actually been successfully rehabilitated and never offend again. From everything I’ve ever read on the subject, I suspect that number is very low. If it were my friend, I would beg her to walk away. It’s like putting all of your chips down on green with the very slim hope that it hits, and for what? So she can have a healthy relationship with this guy? She could leave him and find a different guy who treats her right today and not have to make that incredibly risky bet.

There’s also the possibility that he won’t be able to fix himself as long as she is around to blame. So she might well consider that leaving him could be for him as well. Maybe in a couple of years, they could meet again.

I’m guessing she has issues to work out too.

Her only hope is that she comes to her senses and realizes (sooner rather than later) that this man is going to hurt her repeatedly. Abusers always say what they “need” to say to the abused person to make them stay. In this case he’s offered her a “deal.” Even though, she always had the option of calling the police.

It doesn’t matter how strong or independent of a woman she once was. This man has abused her and messed with her mind to the point that she is willing to do whatever it takes to keep him. She probably thinks that he loves her and to a woman who is desperate for love, sometimes a shitty, abusive man is better than no man in their mind. But that kind of thinking will just garner her more abuse. As long as she stays with him, he has absolutely no motivation to change. And people that abuse are usually so effed up that they can’t change anyway. He is likely to abuse the next woman that comes along, even if she leaves him.

The only thing that you can do is offer to help her. Offer to help her move, or find a new place to live. You should give her this link for the The National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Here is a site with a checklist to be able to spot the signs of whether a woman is being abused.

It sounds like she is trying to defend him and trying to make it sound like his and her situation are “different” than anyone else’s abusive situation. It’s not different. He’s manipulated her mind and she’s scared shitless and still loves him. That’s a horrible combination. She needs to leave him as soon as possible and leave no traces of her whereabouts, then she needs to get into some type of therapy to help her to make better decisions about her life.

Does her family know about this situation? Sometimes it takes a familial intervention to get someone out of one of these situations, but it won’t work unless you have a united group of friends and family and a professional to help guide them through the process. Plus law enforcement officials need to know what is going to happen. It’s best to have a law enforcement person (even if it’s just a friend) present at an intervention of this kind. And there has to be a specifc plan for where the woman is going to go, who is going to collect her things, how she will quickly change her contact info and possibly get a new identity if she needs that, and what law enforcement is going to do to prosecute the man.

@gorillapaws the problem with trying to find stats on this is it will be skewed. If a person does the work and does not cross the physical violence line again will find their abuse shift to the emotional side.
@6rant6 yes, she does have something to work on now, doesn’t she. The sad part is, no person deserves to be a victim of domestic violence.

I believe people can change. But I believe people can be in danger zone periods.
Moving out would probably be the safest idea. It’s something even he should agree to, it just makes sense. When there’s a fire, you move everyone to safety first then douse the blaze.

To be honest, I wouldn’t stick around to find out. If a partner ever raised a hand on me, I might forgive them that one time depending on the circumstances (though I can’t think of any where I’d lean to forgive) but if they ever hit me again, they’d be gone faster than my bruise would heal.

I doubt it. Some celebrity said if her husband ever hit her, he’d better make it a good one because he’d never get another chance. I think a man who will hit anyone he professes to love does not know anything about love, and never will. I would be gone no matter how difficult. When he was done with the anger management, I would wish him luck in future relationships.

They made a pact ,that makes me ill . I see where he still has power over her. She needs to kick him to the curb with his shoe . There is to much that has gone under the bridge , and he wont just stop with a few classes of anger management .
They may both bring out the worst in each other and they need a long , long break or a complete break-up !

I concur with all the comments here, it is doubtful he will change. Adding to the great advice Wundayatta gave, I would just make sure she knows she has a safe haven to go to if she needs it (if you can offer her that of course). Somewhere away from him she can go to regain her strength and self-esteem. I wish your friend well.

I feel for your friend as I have been in her situation and was myself a very strong and independant young person at the time, it’s so easy looking in from outside and trying to give advice to someone in this situation with a simple walk away! there are many reasons in which you cannot and The Great Escape has to be thought out and planned with the right kind of help whilst considering everyone around you, I planned with every single moment of every day until it consumed me, I feared for my family not myself, He hit I fought back, I rang police often, he would spend one night in a cell then back out with the same cycle, I had solicitors involved and no injuction unless I ended up in a bodybag, warning letters sent to him but still the game of cat and mouse continued. I have never feared the fists as I am quite a strong minded person in defence of this kind of behaviour and defended myself to the best of my ability and would anyone else attacking me in this way, I was more angered at the actual act as to being treated this way and why? but it’s the mental abuse and manipulation that can reach deep down inside even the strongest soul, the stalking around you and turning up unexpected which eventually takes it’s toll, but above all it is the simple but immensly powerful sheer fact that you are living this game every single moment of your life knowing that one day if it doesn’t stop that you will unwillingly be pushed to stop it yourself in the wrong way. This day came to me and it was life altering decision I was faced with, I released the built up frustration of alot of years on myself and received 21 stitches for the action instead of ending his life.
I have a 19 year old daughter from this relationship. she was 4 at the time which is when I finaly managed to get him to stay away from me for a short while, just long enough for me to regain my strength and clear thought to deal with him and get him to leave each time he showed up.
There is much much more inbetween all this short breakdown of a part of my life but it is not here to be discussed, my reason for sharing this is to please just let your friend know she is not alone and most importantly this – “None of this is her fault” she needs to hear this in order to gain her self respect, strength and clear thinking to take action and get out, the most powerful reason she can’t is the guilt and pity for him he makes her feel, she is not his problem he is.
The only way he can deal with his problem is alone, her prescence is the food for his fists and the spark for his flame, but most of all his excuse to use them and fail.

I wish her the best of luck and hope she can take control of her life from here on, she is lucky to have you as a friend as lonliness is a major feeling in this situation, and you seem like the one true friend she needs right now. :)

sorry for the long winded typeout, tried to break it down best I could,

@crazydreams – wow! and thank you for your open and quite insightful story. xo