Am I being a pushover?

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot of people telling you how to run your relationship. Can I ask how old you are and also, where do you want this relationship to go? Are you happy with your relationship with your boyfriend (if you take out all the criticism from your friends)? Is he happy with your relationship? That’s what really counts. Not what your friends think you should be doing or how often they think you should be seeing him? If it is working for you and him, that’s what really matters here.

Everyone is different. Some people want to spend every waking moment together (not necessarily healthy to me but if it works for them), Other people like to meet up a couple of times a week and have plenty of time with their mates. Who is right or wrong? Neither. If it is right for them, then it is right. There are no rules about how often you should see each other.

In terms of friends you don’t like of his and vice versa. You can’t choose or change his friends. So, if you don’t hit it off, staying away from them is probably a good plan.

I don’t feel you are being a pushover. Do you? If you don’t and you like how things are, ignore your friends. Keep doing what you are doing. If on the other hand you really want to spend more time with him but don’t want to tell him that and upset the apple cart, then you need to be honest with yourself and him about that. A good discussion and finding some middle ground is probably in order.

If this is what is stressing you and bringing you down, I hope you get it resolved soon. We all go through these types of tug-of-war things in life at some time. Listen to your instincts and don’t be so hard on yourself.

@Mz_Lizzy, I just turned 30 last week. Rather “old” feeling sometimes to be in this “stage” of a relationship when all of my good friends from college are already married and having babies, but who says I need to be on that particular plan?

I think both of us are pretty happy with our relationship. We don’t have a “goal” in mind—I can see myself with him for the long term, but whether that means marriage or simply being partners for a long time, that remains to be seen and ultimately, does that matter? I don’t know. I don’t think happiness for me will just come from having a wedding and getting married, even if the little girl in me thinks it is the answer. We’ve been dating for almost 2 years now and we had a rough start because of his friends and ex-girlfriend but I like to think that if he didn’t care, he’d be long gone by now. We’re kind of just “going with the flow” of things and enjoying each others’ company. Do I desire a serious relationship with serious commitment? Well, yes. But I really feel that a lot of that has to do with society and what I’m surrounded with, rather than what would actually be “good for me” at the moment.

No, I don’t think I am being a pushover. I think that I have just finally realized that the happiness he brings me in my life (and he makes me happier than I’ve ever been in my life with just the simple things—we just laugh together all the time) is worth not being able to see him more often. It’s partly because of his friends, and partly because (or mostly because) he is extreme when it comes to his space and alone time. He’s literally gone weeks in the past without speaking to his friends just because he’s holed up in his man cave enjoying some alone time, so the fact that he actually takes time to see me is a big step for him. So I actually appreciate it. It’s just the brat in me that wants more of him. But the funny thing is that when I actually do see him more often than the usual 1–2x per week, it’s not necessarily as enjoyable as I think it will be because we end up sinking into “old married couple” status and I end up bitching at him rather than enjoying his company. LOL. So to sum it up, yes, my body wants to spend more time with him, but I don’t necessarily think it’s for healthy reasons, because in all of my prior relationships I’ve lived with my significant other so I’m accustomed to someone being there for me all the time. I think where we’re at now is a pretty good middle ground. I see him enough to appreciate the time he spends with me, but don’t see him so often that we get annoyed with each other.

Regarding what’s been stressing me and bringing me down, it’s not so much this as what I went through with my dad last week (I think you read/responded to that thread, but I can’t remember). In general I’ve just been going through a whole lot in the last couple weeks and overall in my entire life, and I’ve never really quite been able to settle down and just be right. I’m extremely hard on myself, and I’m slowly learning to not be as much, but it’s still a work in progress. I just get into these moments where when something is going on, I start analyzing everything else in my life.

@hurtntired I think you have answered so many of your own questions in that last post. Sometimes life is pretty crap and it’s almost written in stone that everything that can go wrong, will go wrong at the same time. I wanted to say also, that I only asked about your age because it gives me a better idea of where you might be in your life. In truth though, I agree with you, there is no plan that you should be on. You should be where you want to be and it sounds like this is really working for you. Sure you would like to see him more, but it’s making you happy and it’s working. I hope it continues to work. As to longer term plans, well you will work that out I’m sure. If it does become a serious issue and you really do start to want to settle down, then you can talk to him about that then. Not sure if I helped at all but it seems to me you know what you want and what’s right. You just needed to brainstorm it a little.

@Mz_Lizzy of course you helped. Even just being a willing listener is helpful to me. I sometimes just feel so “trapped” or “confined” by what society dictates as the paths we should seemingly be following in our lives. Especially when it comes to relationships, whether it’s relationships with parents or relationships with a significant other.

I just wonder why it got to the point where it became necessary to have labels like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” because sometimes I feel like I’ve been brainwashed into thinking that’s exactly what I should have too—that “picture perfect” relationship. But the reality of it is most of the time people are working so hard at preserving that image that I feel like they forget what really matters. IDK. I’m always all sorts of confused. I confuse myself all the time…

I dont really understand the question – but more importantly, I dont really understand what the problem is, other than the fact that his friends and your friends have a problem w/ being supportive.

@Disc2021, I think I’m just really searching for the answer to whether or not there should be a “normal” way to have a relationship i.e., in America we all grow up having a semi-set notion of how an adult relationship/marriage is supposed to be, but in reality, does it really matter? It’s kind of like, where did the idea of monogamy and how dating should really transgress come from? I mean I know there are books out there about commitment, monogamy, and also how monogamy is unnatural, but just curious about what others’ opinions of what a relationship should look like is. I’ve been reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert and I just sometimes feel like these warped ideas of what we Westerners call commitment, marriage, relationships, etc. is all a farce that causes a lot of consternation for people such as myself who think way too much about things. :P

Leave your friends out of your relationship.

Husband and I have been married for 37 years. We have very different interests and friends. We spend a lot of time apart as well as doing things together or with mutual friends. If it is working for you and you are not chafing, why spend time with his friends if you don’t like them? Tell other people to butt out unless you ask them for feedback.

You are not a pushover. Part of having a mature relationship is to reach compromises about what works for you and your boyfriend as a couple. Hanging out with his friends 1–2 times a week seems to be working for you, so it’s really no one else’s business. Frankly, it sounds healthy.

Are you getting enough alone time with him? The answer to that is between you and him, and no one else.

@BarnacleBill I understood it to be that she is seeing him a couple of times a week without the friends.

You have laid it out pretty well yourself in the post earlier. You and he are happy with things and the status.

That is all that matters.

@BarnacleBill all of my time with him is usually alone time. I think I just get pulled into feeling like our relationship should be like everyone else’s where we hang out with each others’ friends all the time too, and basically have this “public” relationship when we go out. It’s okay if it’s not, right? I mean I know it’s “okay” but I just need to know that it’s not “WEIRD” that we don’t go out together as a couple with my friends or his friends.

@hurtntired To answer your question, no, there isn’t a normal way to have a relationship. A relationship is defined by the individuals involved within the relationship, not by their friends, family, societal norms/dogma, etc.

You do what works for the both of you and leave the rest out of it.

No, not weird. There is no one way to be in a relationship. Sometimes you end up seeing your friends on your own, he sees his friends on his own, and sometimes you cultivate new friends together if the relationship moves to a committed stage. Lots of people have relationships that bring out a different side to them than their friends are familiar with. That’s not to say that your friends haven’t shaped who you are, but sometimes you become different than the familiar pattern of old relationships.

When a group hangs out together and no one has a serious girlfriend, then it becomes hard when someone meets someone they’re serious about. Or if they dynamic of the group is several long term dating relationships and several non-committed, and the women in the group “hold court.” Likewise, if a group has a common history, and a new person is introduced who doesn’t share that history, unless the group goes out of its way to be inclusive, it’s very awkward.

Once people start having children, they see less of their childless friends and hang out with other people with babies. Those relationships can eventually come back together.

If you think you want to do more with these people, sort of a second chance, figure out a way to do it on your own terms, perhaps a few people from the group at a time instead of a whole group. Otherwise, don’t sweat it.

I think your doing fine , your giving each other breathing room . When it’s time to get serious , you both will know and you’ll both take it from there .