My boyfriend treats me perfectly, but I have started to have feelings for someone else that I can't avoid... Advice?

You are only 18. That is way too young to settle down. I think that you should be honest with your current boyfriend and break up with him.

Time and distance have done their work, and you no longer have feelings for him.

Set yourself free to explore other relationships.

18 is too young to settle down and especially to settle for someone who doesn’t excite you. Be honest: break up with your hometown guy and feel free to explore other loves.

(See prior question from another about settling for a “comfortable” marriage for what the Ghost of Christmas Future might be like.)

As you know, if you want to pursue this thing with your new guy, the right thing to do is to tell your current boyfriend. Don’t assume that he will demand that you cut the new relationship off, or he will break up with you, but that is the most likely response.

Long distance relationships are very difficult, and this is often what happens. The honorable thing is to tell your boyfriend in person what you are thinking and feeling, and offer to break up, or, depending on his reaction, perhaps offer to try to work it through with him. I think the most important thing is that your boyfriend be aware of what is happening so he can make his choices with full information.

Do you want to keep both relationships at the same time? You’d have to tell new bf about old bf. New bf may not want to be involved with you if he knows about old bf.

Anyway, disclosure is the right thing to do.

Most people, however, don’t do that. They prevaricate. They see where the new relationship is going before telling the old relationship good bye. If the new relationship doesn’t work out, then they have the old one in their back pocket, and no one will be the wiser. Maybe. If no one talks.

When in this situation, I think that most people don’t let either person know about the other, or else they let the new one know about the old one. Few actually tell the old one about the new one.

What people are doing is trying to protect themselves. They don’t want to pull the trigger on the old relationship until the new one is certain. They don’t want to hurt the existing bf or gf. Most people hope that they can get out of this without hurting anyone. You can’t. Usually everyone ends up being hurt to some degree, but especially the old bf, if he’s the one who gets dumped.

In fairness to your old bf, and out of love for him, I think you have to tell him what is happening now. He may want to keep up the relationship while you go to this new guy, but I doubt it. Most likely he’ll be badly hurt. The honorable thing to do is to inform him, and take responsibility for the pain you are causing.

Your old boyfriend will catch on sooner or later, anyway. You’ll have to deal with it. Better to do it in a planned way than to do it when he suddenly catches on. In addition, you are going to feel guilty every time you see the old bf, and he is going to feel your withdrawing.

Some people will try to say that the old relationship isn’t working out, without talking about the new guy. That’s not cool. He deserves to know why. Not knowing why can drive a guy crazy.

That’s what you should do. I wouldn’t be surprised if you took the “let’s wait and see” route. It’s only natural. It’s the way that puts off pain the longest and keeps your options open. I hope you take the route of full disclosure.

wundayatta

Thanks, your reply was very helpful. The ‘new guy’ is aware that I have a boyfriend, and that’s the reason nothings happening. I don’t think he has a clue how I feel about him. He would never tell me if he was actually interesting in anything happening (which I’m not sure about) because he knows I’m taken. He is probably quite confused, as I’m most likely giving him mixed signals. I’m acting as if I like him, but I’m in a relationship… So he’d have no idea what to do. That’s why, as I said, it has been the first time I’ve regretted being single.

You deserve to be happy, and your boyfriend deserves it too. Staying merely because you feel obliged to and because he’s good to you robs him of this opportunity. You can’t make yourself love him and at nearly 2 years into this, your feelings should be sorted out by now.

You’re not unappreciative, you very much know what you have but this doesn’t seem to be what you want. You don’t seem to want to settle down right now and you probably shouldn’t, you’re quite young.

New guy or not, seems like you should set him free. Be honest and upfront about what you feel, and don’t leave anything out. @wundayatta is right, give him full disclosure about what’s going on and if theres someone new. As a guy who just recently (like 12 hours ago) removed himself from a similar situation because the woman wouldn’t be up front with how she felt, the confusion and pain of not knowing why is so much more brutal than just saying there’s someone else.

You’re too young to settle. I agree with everyone who has said that already, haha.
If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. You’re wasting your time with someone who can’t make you FEEL what you need to feel in order to be happy.
If you stay with him, you will regret it in time, and you won’t be able to take the time you wasted back.
No one is at fault, not him, not you. Make that clear to him. Try making it quick and painless, but be honest. Tell him you don’t feel it. If you really feel this isn’t right for you, end it quickly and have no regrets. That’s what being young is all about. :)
Good luck, girl.

Yeah you should break up with him because what you are doing is being selfish. You like someone else and you aren’t considering his feelings. You said he tries so hard to make you happy and you can’t be satisfied. What else is there to do. That guy will be hurt and another nice guy will learn the hard lesson that nice guys finish last. There is a good chance this other guy won’t try nearly as hard but that will be your problem. You may deserve to be happy. I don’t know what you consider to be happiness. Heck you at 18 you are not mature enough to know what you really want. Most 18 year olds don’t and you are no exception. Break up with him so he can find someone who actually does love him for his efforts. Women always ask what happened to all the nice men. Well…there ya go.

This happened to me, except I was the b/f who lived far away. My g/f dated me for her first year of college despite some feelings/advances/what-have-you’s from other men there at her school. Though some points during that year we were incredibly close, other points things were incredibly shaky. About two months into her second year of school she ended up cheating on me with a boy she’d been hanging out with frequently. She left me shortly thereafter (told me about it and left me at the same time) and is now dating him. She had pointed out how often we fought, or how unhappy she was with things, and thinking that our relationship was a cause of that… but you’d be an idiot to not know that the new boy was the catalyst for the end of our relationship.

Irony being, she’s still not happy with a lot of things in her life, and there are fights with the new boy.

Tell the old boyfriend.

Seek counseling. Your university probably offers it free as part of your enrollment there. You probably have a lot of healing to do with issues from your younger years, which may tend to drive you away from healthy loving relationships, because you have a need to work out tough issues from your past.

Mikewlf337

Yeah you’re completely right, I’m being completely selfish. But just to let you know, I have never kept anything from my boyfriend, I have told him how I’ve been feeling for the entirety of our relationship. He knows I’m not happy, and I’ve asked to break up before because I felt he deserved better (which he does). But he wouldn’t have any of it. I’ve never had feelings for anyone else before, so this is a first to me and naturally I am finding it hard to come to terms with. I am already 100% certain I’m going to tell him about these new feelings I’m having because it’s not right not to.
My boyfriend is a lovely lovely person, but I find it hard to believe that I should stay with him just because he’s the ‘nice guy’ and I should stay with him just because that’s what everyone searches for. Thats not right at all, that just means I’m staying with someone because of the general views.
I am young, I know that obviously. But that doesn’t mean I don’t realise how unfair I am being and how wonderful he is. I am fully aware of his feelings, and I never don’t consider him. What ever happens in my life, he knows about.
I’ve never in my life said what’s happened to all the nice men, because even though I’m very young – I’ve yet to come across a horrible man. I tend to steer clear of them.

You sound quite sensible to me and you are going through some very normal issues. I would not advise anyone at your age to settle if they don’t feel comfortable. I think you know what you want to do.

You’re current boyfriend sounds like a nice person, but he’s not the right person for you and you are not the right person for him. Your BF sounds like he’s invested his whole soul into you and neglected everything else in his life. And you guys got together at a very young age. You probably do love him as a friend, but not as a life partner/husband/boyfriend type of thing. This is going to be painful for both of you, but you owe it to him (mostly) and to yourself to break up with him and let him find someone who is a better match, that will not only like him for all of his wonderful qualities, but who will also feel a real love connection with him too.

Do not make a move to date either of these other fellows until you have broken up with your current BF and then do the courteous thing of waiting a month or so before you go out with anyone else. @tedd had the unfortunate experience of having his ex date someone else before she broke up with him. That is just very un-cool to do to someone. That is why I suggest that you wait awhile. Your BF will likely find out (by you telling him or someone else telling him) whether or not you cheated on him, so don’t cheat. Just wait awhile. Plus waiting will give you a little time to really think about what you do want and what you don’t want from a new relationship.

One of these new guys may be the one, or neither of them may be the one. But I think you know for certain that the current fellow is not the one. He’s a good guy, but he deserves someone who loves him and is attracted to him as well. Breaking up will be very painful, and may be dragged out for awhile (the other reason to wait to date anyone else) because it sounds like he’s pinned his whole life on you and it may be more difficult for him to let go of you. Be kind to him and just tell him that although you care for him deeply and that you appreciate all that he has done for you (being there and treating you kindly) tell him that it’s not fair to either one of you to continue being boyfriend/girlfriend because you just don’t feel the spark for him. You don’t know why anyone feels a spark for anyone in particular, it’s not something that you can plan or figure out, but you know when it’s not there and it’s not something you can force. Then tell him that you are going to take some time alone to figure out what you are going to do. If he asks you if there are any other men that you are interested in, just tell him that you are not sure, but that you absolutely have not cheated on him.

If either of the new guys ask you out, tell them that you are taking some time alone to sort out your feelings. Let them know that you are just now exiting a very intense relationship that was very important to you and that you need to figure out what you are going to do next.

Is it possible for you to move to a new flat with just girls or at least not with the “potential” new boyfriend? If you eventually start dating the new flatmate, the fact that you are living with him makes all sorts of temptations way too easy and it puts you in a very intense relationship (where one doesn’t yet exist) because of the fact that you would be living together.

The other thing to explain to the current BF about why you are breaking up is because of the long distance thing. Tell him that no matter how much people might want their relationship to work out, distance changes everything because you are living a life of “images” rather than a day to day existence with the other person. You are living separate lives and that is just a fact of distance.

It’s not fair to your current bf for you to try and justify his qualities in order to stay with him out of gratitude or default. No one wants to be settled or compromised for, not in that way. Let him loose to find a better match and be fair to yourself by looking for someone who gives you the sparks you feel are missing.