Developing feelings for childhood friend while in a long-term relationship. What do I do?

It seems that you’re just feeling lonely because of the distance thing and now your boyfriend is “out of sight, out of mind.” You have to think long and hard before you make your decision. I’ve been at a simlar crossroads not too long ago, and I know it’s a tough place to be in. Unfortunately nobody can tell you what the right answer is, it has to come from inside you. It seems you have some doubts about your current relationship, that is something you have to work through—do you see yourself marrying this guy and/or spending the rest of your life with him? It could just be that you are yearning for the closeness you used to share with your boyfriend and are using this new guy as a substitute. Think of it this way: if your boyfriend was close by would you still be having this ‘affair?’ If the answer is yes then it seems there is something missing in your relationship and you should either work to fix that or move on. If the answer is no then maybe you are just having a tough time with the distance, and perhaps should ‘cool it’ with the new guy. Either way, you have to figure out if your love for your boyfriend is strong enough to withstand the distance. Also you have to think, if you are ‘fooling around,’ then what could he possibly be doing so far away from you? Is it worth even trying to keep the relationship going? You need to have a long talk with your boyfriend it appears.

I think you should break up with your boyfriend and date this new guy.It isn’t fair to string someone along if you have feelings for someone else.

I think you and your new guy friend are both holding back because of your commitment to your current BF. Life is too short not to just go for it when and while you can.

The fact that you have little relationship experience does not help you in this situation, it’s going to lead you to having wandering eyes and thinking about potential what-ifs, which is the reason why settling down early is not always a good idea.

But I think the first thing that needs to be done is that the truth needs to be told to the boyfriend about what’s going on. It’s highly disrespectful to think sticking with him is a possibility open to you right now as he shouldn’t have to endure your cheating. That has to be figured out first because if he doesn’t want to tolerate it, then it leaves options much clearer to you.

If he’s willing to forgive then you still have the tough decision of whether a stable relationship is more important, or your own exploration to greater understand yourself and what you want that may or may not end better than staying with the boyfriend. That nobody can answer but yourself.

“He also specifically said he didn’t want a relationship with anybody at the moment.”
I think this is the first order of business. Sit your new old friend down and ask him point blank if this is how he feels. If he continues to say he doesn’t want a relationship, then be his friend without benefits. If he does want a relationship with you, then it is your obligation to break up with your current BF if that is what you want. But regardless, YOU are going to have to come to decision soon.

You have been dishonest with your partner – that’s your first problem.

It’s sounds like your relationship with your “boyfriend” is already over. You should tell him that, out of common courtesy.

Whether you want to admit it or not (or put a particular label on it) you are involved in a relationship with the new guy and you are cheating on your current boyfriend. Not a good situation for anybody.

The new guy is getting a “friend with benefits” kind of deal because he told you that he doesn’t want a relationship. So what he is getting is all of the good stuff from a relationship, but he doesn’t have to make any kind of comittment to you because he says he doesn’t want a relationship. But technically you guys are carrying on a relationship.

Long distance relationships rarely work out, unless the couple is in a long term committed relationship (usually married) and the other person has to move due being in the military or to take a job. Those people have chosen that life, and although it is hard, their commitment to each other and the job itself makes it easier to bear. That is not your situation.

You and your boyfriend are not married and you are living separate lives, but because you have decided that you are still in a relationship, it makes what you are doing with the new guy cheating. Who knows why you are attracted to the new guy, it doesn’t really make any difference as long as you know that you need to fix this problem right now.

You are very likely going to hurt your current boyfriend, but he needs to be told the truth, right now. It’s not fair to him for you to carry on behind his back. You need to break up with him and let him move forward with his life.

You should tell your new friend (today) that what you are doing is wrong, because you ARE cheating whether you or he wants to call it that or not. Then tell him that you 2 need to cool it for now until you sort things out with your real boyfriend. Tell him that you have started to have feelings for him and you don’t know what the future holds, but for now, all physical intimacy and most of the hanging out business has to stop for now. Give him some type of time frame (2 weeks a month) until you will contact him again and then you can decide if you want to continue to give him “friends with benefits” or if you need him to be a real boyfriend.

In the meantime, contact your real boyfriend and tell him that you need to break up and confess that you cheated on him. Tell him that you need to take some time to sort out your feelings and decide what you are going to do. He may agree that the whole thing should be over and done with right at that moment. He will likely be very angry and very hurt. Or he may say that he still loves you and wants to be with you. If that is the case, tell him that you need to take some time (that same time that you are NOT seeing the new guy) and sit down with yourself and figure it out. If you can’t figure it out in a month, then you should still not be with either of these guys. It may turn out to be the case that neither one of them is the right guy for you. But you have to be a decent person and tell the first guy the truth and not be fooling around with the second guy while you figure it out. If you need company, go find your girl friends!

You might want to read this thread because this poor fellow is in the same situation, but from the other side. He’s the one that has a girlfriend that cheated on him.

I agree that you should break up with your boyfriend and be with the new guy. Do you plan to marry your current boyfriend? I personally feel someone is more fit to get married when they’ve had dating experience. Propose that you and the bf try taking a break? If you really miss him you can always meet up again later in life. Since he’s the only guy you’ve been with, you may even find that this new thing is more fulfilling. And while you’re in a new part of the country would you rather spend your time calculating time differences and on the phone or doing fun things with your new guy?

It’s not easy either way, but think about which decision you would regret more later in life, and do the opposite.

Beak up with your boyfriend, and then you and this friend should be honest about what you have or don’t have.

You are too young to be tied down to a long distance relationship.

You probably won’t even have to make a decision if you told all this to your “real” boyfriend . . . if he’s like most guys, he’d probably make it easy for you . . .

Whether or not the relationship with the new old friend leads to anything or not, it sounds like you need some more dating experience before settling on one person.