Is this considered a mental issue or a guilt issue...I don't know? (this is long but PLEASE read)

Well, what a pickle! The first and most important thing that I want to say to you is that this is not at all your fault. This is your parents having trouble being helpful and generous and kind to each other, and putting you and your siblings in the middle, and believe me, this is not your fault. It’s so surprising to me to hear how over and over again grown-up people, who should know better, even if they are hurt, to protect their children, put their children at risk because of their own problems. And the confusing thing is, just as you are saying, that you think it is all your doing, you picked sides, you went to live with your dad. Believe me, this is not your fault. Some day, you will look at this situation, and be able to understand a bit more what is going on now. It would be great if your parents got some therapy, so that they could do what they can to protect you and your siblings from their relationship, which sounds awful. But, again, this is not your fault.

It’s difficult to be the child of divorce. You are harboring guilt for things you have no control over.

All I can honestly say after reading through all of this is, I have been there. If you can, go to the self-help section of your library and help yourself for as long as you can. Once you’re out of this situation, I highly recommend telling your feelings to a therapist.

I’d give you specific titles, but what I found to work best was to read the books that spoke to me during various types of hurt & pain I was going through.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} Please don’t take on your parents issues. They are adults and can handle themselves. If you can help your brother through this, do so. For now, work on you and getting out of all of this with your chin held high.

Share whatever you can with your brother, tell your dad you like unisex or boys stuff, sell the car when you get it and give him half. Is your dad also your brothers’ father? You can’t make them care for each other but it sounds like your mother should go to family court.

It upsets you to see your mother and brother face hardship. That’s not a problem with you; heck, it’s a sign that everything’s in working order. You are a decent human bean.

I am not a therapist, and I am not familiar with your situation, so my suggestion may not be the best one. But it’s what I can come up with, so here goes: I am going to suggest that you do what you think that you should, be it sharing or working or something else entirely.

And if you want to talk to a pastor, go ahead. You don’t need to belong to a church to seek guidance from one.

Oh, goodness. This is not your fault, sweetie. Not at all. You are not in any way responsible for your parents actions (or lack thereof). It sounds like everyone involved is going through a very difficult time, and the best you can probably do for now is remind yourself that this won’t last forever. You’ll be grown up and living your own life someday soon. Just try to hang on until then. Best of luck to you.

That’s an ugly situation because it separates you and your dad from everyone else. From where I stand, your dad needs therapy by himself…then, your mom…then, the family.

What you probably feel guilty about is allowing your dad to buy your love and separate you from your mom and siblings. You are not to blame, except that he can’t pull this off by himself. If there were nobody to buy-off, his dangling carrots would rot in his hands.

The only thing you have to feel guilty about is not seeing your mother. You have a right to see her and she has a right to see you. The full wardrobe and the empty wardrobe are just that, wardrobes.

One thing I would do is specify to your mother that things don’t make your relationship with you better and if you can spend time with her that would be better than just things. You need to stress that it isn’t because what she gets you isn’t good, but that spending time with her is what will build your relationship better.

Stop worrying yourself about all that stuff and begin to worry about this…

How can you give from the abundance that you’ve got..

…then your time will be better spent..

Your parents are very lucky to have raised a lovely daughter with a social conscious, because that’s what is dictating your dilemma. Both your parents love you very much. Your mom knows that teens like clothes, and is using the purchases as a way to show that she loves you, because she wants to make you happy. You instinctively know that’s what the clothing represents, and that’s why you can’t part with them.

You are going to need to talk to your mom about not buying you clothing, but so you don’t hurt her feelings, you should think about a way to replace the clothes buying as an expression of love with a shared activity or hobby that you can do together, even at a distance. In other words, you both learn to do something new together so you can talk about it, and share it the experience. Think about ways that your mom can give to you of herself that doesn’t involve spending money. Or, ask her to save the money instead so that the three of you can take a trip somewhere in a few years.

Your father sounds like a total prick. Just make sure that you do not absorb his values.

If he gives you money, I would pass it along to your Mom or your brother.

Why did you go to live with your father? Is that why you feel guilty?

Sometimes it is better to be poor than to have money. Your mother should be getting child support from your father. Is she? Urge her to go to court to get some.

You are sensitive to your Mom’s situation, and feel guilty about her sacrafices for you.
I can’t imagine a better way to be. You are a wonderful, thoughtful person!

Your situation is far from a mental issue in as much as you might feel that way. To me it sounds like you really love your mother and miss her dearly and that is very normal. You are in a difficult situation and you have little choice other than to accept it for what it is.

It will be hard but you have to look past the disparity of your new life and your brothers and as much as finer things and money may seem to you to have value….they really don’t. At the end of the day it is the love of a loved one that has the most value and money does not buy that. Your mom obviously loves you as she provided those clothes you never wore and probably sacrificed dearly to do so. You are on a massive guilt trip right now and that is again understandable. You are also isolated and that is not an easy situation to circumvent, but is there any way you could ask your dad to allow you to attend a local church on your own? I think getting to a church would afford you the opportunity to meet new friends and even have a chance to talk with a pastor about the things that are so bothering you.

As far as throwing things out….DON’T. Give them away. I am very active on a site called Freecycle.org where people give away unwanted items and people will swarm to your offerings. I have seen people Freecycle pretty much everything and this way you can feel good that someone else will continue to enjoy these things your parents worked hard to get you.

Fluther is a nice place too to talk things over with really caring people. Good luck with everything.

Most of the other answers are right on target for you.

My answer will approach your situation from a different angle.

This is exactly what happens, when a couple divorce. The children are the victims, both mentally and physically. Playing favorites is just part of the game in a divorce. Remember this first, this is not your fault. You may think it is and this is why you have these feelings of guilt. Look at it this way, you are a victim.

Apparently, your mother loves you a lot and that is great. Accept her gifts, no matter what. This may be her only way of expressing her love for her child….you.

Your dad has gone way overboard in showing partiality between you and you brother. He is doing this for a reason….to get back at your mother because of the divorce.

You are in a tough situation. I would share some of the wealth given to you by your dad, with your brother. You may have to do this secretly, but please do it.

If your parents cannot stay together, at least you and your brother can. My wife went through a similar situation as a child.

Heads up! Look up to the sky and thank the Lord that you have the feelings you have.

Share with your brother. You two will then always be close, forever.

Your dad should feel guilty not you. He is trying to buy your loyalty, and putting a wedge between you and your mom.
He is giving you gifts to flaunt it in front of the other children to punish the other children for choosing to live with your mom.
He has an equal responsibility to all his children.
As much as you can, realize that this is your parents issue and not yours.
I so hate it when parents put their children in the middle of their divorce issues.
This is THEIR problem, not yours. I’m so sorry your dad doesn’t see how devastating his behavior is to his children.

Judi, great answer. jp