My 22 year old grandson who lives with me wants to move his 18 year old girlfriend in. What is your opinion?

Ehhh, they’re adults. Let them make their mistakes.

My opinion is if he has that serious of a girlfriend then he’s ready to move out of your house and make his own with her.

If you also get along fine with her, then go for it. Could be economically advantageous to everyone, too.

If he wants to move in with her, they should get their own place where they can start their own lives, and not constantly be saying “Shhhhh! You moan too loudly, you’ll wake my grandma up.”

Sometimes extra adults living together can cause unforeseen conflicts. You may like her now. Living with someone is a whole different matter. If there are problems, it may cause a rift between you and your grandson. There may be tension for things you can’t even imagine until you are in the situation. He will be in the middle. He might swear it will be fine, the girlfriend is nice now (but you don’t live with her) and you might think it will be fine, but what if it’s not fine? Then you have a sucky home life until they make other plans.

Why can’t he and she move out and get their own place?

If they’ve been together awhile, you like her, and you’ve spoken with her about what her contributions will be, I don’t see why not.

Aside from the general assumption that somehow moving into their own place is a more valid way to have “their own life” (hasn’t anyone heard of cohousing and multigenerational living?), I wonder if anyone suggesting this has heard of something called the effing economy. I’m 26 and @hobbitsubculture is 25, and we only just last year got our own place. I have two jobs, starting a third next month (technically it’s in the same vein as one of the others). Oh yeah, we’re both college graduates. Times are tough, people gotta band together.

I am in favor of multigenerational living. My husband’s family does it. People in Hawaii do it all the time (houses cost a lot). However, I am not sure I could have my son’s (no grandchildren yet) girlfriend live in our house without them being married. No, I wouldn’t want to rush things along or anything like that. It must have something to do with the way I was raised. If you have no moral objection to it, @hobbitsubculture comment seems very valid. I would also wonder if she has graduated from high school and is also either working or going to college.

@optimisticpessimist Good point, she is still in school, and is planning to enroll in the same continuation school my grandson attended.

Good Lord! This is where I wish my Grandmother had been more open minded like you! Strict Roman Catholic, very Southern Baptist on the other side.

You know, I don’t know the details like: does she need a place to live, are they not able to support themselves; or, is it just a starting point for the couple? I guess though, it really doesn’t matter, you seem to be okay with it, and that is what matters.

I do agree with @jca, there could be problems and sooner, rather than later. Your grandson is used to you, your family and how things go in your house. The girlfriend isn’t and may not always agree with things. Putting your grandson in the middle.

I just get this gut feeling that it isn’t the best idea. Sorry, no source except my own gut.

@cak thanks, you bring up the same point I wondered about. I haven’t even met her yet.

@YARNLADY Meet her first, spend some time with her and with them together, and then make your assessment.

My son is 23, and he has a 22 year old girlfriend. She is not allowed to spend the night.
If we are out of town, I don’t complain about it. If we are home, it ain’t happening.
My reasoning is that I want to give him a reason and a goal to move out. He is an Ironworker, and while I have not given him grief over still living at home (I am sure his friends do, and due to his job, he spends a lot of time unemployed in this economy), I want to keep his focus on being on his own.
Not allowing her to spend the night also keeps the awkwardness level down.

@filmfann Good point, I would much rather he find a job and move out on his own. We live in the second worst city in California for jobs, with 7 people needing work for every 1 job available, and he had very little skills and close to zero experience, other than retail sales.

If you are comfortable with the idea perhaps you could agree on a trial period after which you can re-evaluate the situation, knowing there is a backdoor might be reassuring…

I’d charge them rent, though.

@YARNLADY: Will they pay rent?

@Rarebear Yes, the rent is one hour a day work, everyday.

Or equivalent food purchase through food stamps.

@Rarebear: My computer froze…I think we’re on the same page!

@YARNLADY: Do they have any means of paying rent, other than work? Even if you save it for a “nest egg” for them, it still teaches them a sense of responsibility.

I just turned into my mother!

@cak With my grandson, we pay actual cash for the yard work – since we used to hire a worker, and we also pay cash for the pool maintenance, as we would a professional, except we only pay minimum since the professional provides the materials.

In theory, in order to live together, they should be able to afford their own place, or else they are getting a false impression of what it takes to live independently as adults. And they should contribute to where they live in terms of doing work around the house, because they live there. I would ask them for a nominal amount of rent in addition to the work arrangement, and bank the money. When they are ready to move out, give them the money back to put towards the expenses of moving out on their own.

@BarnacleBill Thank you, good ideas.

A plan I tried for a while was my son paying $100 rent each month. When he was to move out, I would give him the entire amount back, to help with his new place.
That was in place for about 3 years, but then the economy crushed any chance of his making his insurance costs, and car payment. I gave him back that money then, to try and keep his spirits up.

My husband and I have talked about this recently because a situation arose in his family that was similar only the grandchild did not live with us but with an uncle. We agreed that it simply was not appropriate. We would not want it under our roof. If you want to play at being married, do it under your own roof. If you can’t afford it, then you are not ready for the responsibilities that accompany cohabitation. Our parents would not have allowed it nor would we.

Guess that shows our age, hehehe. Seems like anything goes these days.

I looked but I never saw the reason why your 22 year old grandson is living with you? Does he work?
I wouldn’t allow it.

If you’re not against it, why worry about it? If you are against it, don’t allow it!

You said that you never met the gf. Are you aware that if she is looking to live with you, when you do meet her, she will be on “best behavior” and maybe not giving the most accurate impression of what she is really like?

Also, legally, if you let them live with you and it does not work out, and you want her or both of them out, you should find out what you would have to do to get them out, because you might be in a situation where you have no choice in the matter. Just something to think about. There have been people on Fluther in the past who have inquired about getting people out of their houses, and it’s not always so easy.

Just some food for thought.

I think you need a trial run before committing to having her live with you. What if you say yes, she moves all of her stuff in, she and your grandson start getting all cozy… and then you realize you don’t even like her? She is only 18, likely never lived apart from her parents. Is she responsible? Is she respectful? Is this her first serious relationship? How long have they been dating? What do her parents think?

My cousin moved her boyfriend into her grandmother’s house under similar circumstances and it was a disaster. He and my cousin argued all of the time and he was disrespectful to her grandmother (also my great-aunt, so I heard all about it from her). My cousin was my great-aunt’s favorite grandchild and it all but ruined their relationship.

@Supacase That’s what I’m afraid of. My #2 grandson has always been the sweetest, easiest going one of all. He lives here because he lost his job and his mother didn’t have room for him after she had to downsize her apartment because of losing her job. He diligently looks for work, but I live in one of the hardest hit cities in the state.

@YARNLADY : you also have to consider if there are going to be any rules for them. Yes, he’s an adult, but will you mind if they come in at 4:00 in the morning? will it disturb you? Will you worry if they are out all night without telling you? Or will you not care? Things like is all the food up for grabs? Showers (what if the girl takes half hour showers – will that bother you?), laundry (what if the girl does 5 loads of laundry a week – will that bother you?), does the girl smoke? maybe you smoke so you don’t care. Other than the one day of work that they do to earn their keep, are they just going to l ie around the house all day? These are things that might sound trivial but then may annoy the crap out of you.

If they do move in, I would be interested in some updates in the future as to how it goes. Whether it goes well or whether it turns into a disaster will be interesting.

@jca Thanks for the thought provoking ideas.

Oooh, I like what @BarnacleBill wrote.
keeps this in mind for future scenarios with stepchildren.