Am I a "Wicked" Stepmother?

No, it isn’t wicked.You still have time to “bond” with them; however, during their early formative years, you (I’m guessing) were no where in the picture. It doesn’t mean you will never bond with them, it just means it may be different.

I have two stepbrothers. One is much closer with us than the other. They were also closer to the ages you stated when they became my mother’s stepsons. Conversely, my sister and I were much younger when my stepfather entered the picture. We had the time to form more “secure” for lack of a better word with my father than they had to form with my mother. They were more protective of their mother-son relationship with their mother. Even though she was a drug addict, didn’t look out for them and I mother did everything for them. There was just a different bond.

Don’t give up on them, keep moving forward; just know your role is a little different and you may have those different feelings. You must love them a lot to care enough to ask. :)

you are far from wicked. I am not in your role, but it is natural to feel or have a different feeling in this situation.
I commend you on being a caregiver, but do you feel it difficult to be in the “primary” role?
This is a huge role to be in and I applaude you for it. I hope there is no regret for this.
Continue to be a supportive role model for them and nurture all you would in values for what any child needs.
Your heart and shining example will be seen by all!

You should aim for friendship with your stepsons. Leave the parenting to your husband as far as discipline goes.

Nope. Not wicked at all.
I happen to be one of those stepmothers that does love my stepsons like they are my own, but I have known them since they were very, very little. I think that factors in to my personal situation.
However, I know that there are plenty of stepmoms out there that feel the way that you do. Step-parenting is a difficult job. If parenting is challenging, step-parenting is all that and then some. A good relationship with your stepchildren doesn’t have to mean that you love them as your own children. However, if you don’t have a good relationship, then I would be seeking counseling for the good of you and for the kids.
I’m going to PM you a link to a great online support group for stepmothers, you might find some useful reading material there.

Kudos to you for caring and trying. I got a brief taste of it once… I know how hard it is.

Blended families are always a little difficult to navigate.

But no, this ain’t wicked. You’re the primary caretaker of these boys – that’s pretty awesome. As @marinelife, the fact that you feel this way is probably good – if you don’t try to act like their mother, then it won’t seem like you’re trying to replace them.

Don’t stress out – you can’t control how you feel about people…you can only control how you behave toward them.

I raised my wife’s two boys and my own children felt that I favored them. It is been quite a struggle with two of my sons. They have been angry at me for being there for their step brothers and felt like I wasn’t there for them. We have mended fences but it was a real struggle for a while.

I found that every time I stepped in for my wife to help discipline that she would get angry at me. I finally had to step out of that role and only be there in life for my family. It is very difficult to know how or what to do and keep it balanced. Things are fine now and we have 13 grand children from all our children. Just be there and love them. It is normal to feel more for your own children. I felt guilty about it and then neglected my own because of it. So don’t feel guilty and just love them.

I think its normal to feel like that. I have two kids of my own and 3 stepsons – all 5 in mid to late teens now – its been 12 years. I know how you feel exactly. You’ll want the best for your step kids but it just feels different. If its any consolation (!), unfortunately when the rocky teens head your way it you might feel that pain somewhat more intensely than with your own children!

Its a different love that you have for them than for your own that’s all.

I used to just do what I would hope that a step-mother would have done for my own kids. That image helped a lot. Above all, be kind to yourself – its not an easy path you have chosen and you will question yourself at every corner. I can reassure you will feel a great (greater?) sense of satisfaction when you see some of your influence start to show when they grow into independent adults.

I think @grizelda put it well. It is a different love.

I agree with @marinelife. If you don’t discipline them then they won’t resent you.

I don’t think you are a wicked stepmother. Your feelings will be different to your own flesh and blood, that is only natural. Do what you are doing now caring for them and stop beating yourslef up about it. Good luck, I know it isn’t easy :)

Thanks everyone for the feedback…this is a really difficutl situation. I try as much as I can to not discipline the boys, but because I am their primary caregiver, I still have to step into that role from time to time. I am glad that my feelings are normal, I have been so scared of being the proverbial Disney Stepmother!

It sounds to me like you’ve implicitly signaled acceptance of this caregiver situation. I don’t think you ever should have to maternally bond with them – you could have a friendly babysitter-like or mentor-like role. What’s the harm? It could even be a role they need filled more than they need a “second mother.” Kids don’t always like telling their parents everything, and a more casual adult can be a positive thing in a kids’ life by adding new perspectives – I think it’s an important role that our pedo-paranoid society has often pushed out of the picture entirely.

You probably need to explain what your role will be to your husband, and what role you would assume if you and your husband have kids. He probably has a right to know, though I think this should have been done before the marriage. But if you can’t do that, maybe you should find a new relationship, because I doubt your husband wants to give up the kids.

Wicked stepmothers aren’t given to introspection and wondering if they’re wicked or not. They know that they aren’t, and that the rest of the world that doesn’t align itself to the stepmother’s needs and wants is what’s “wrong”. In general, evil people never even consider that they might be. And you don’t say a thing about poisoned apples.

So I think you’re good here.