Why are some people mean? Why do some find pleasure (or some sick derivative of it) in making others miserable?

Some people are mean because they find it amusing to irritate other people, they find joy in being mean. Some mean people on the other hand are mean because it is part of their training (like in the military or police school) they do it to build their trainee’s character. Maybe you should view your boyfriend’s group of friends as your training ground for the life you’ll have with your boyfriend just in case you two get really serious. In a way it’s their way of welcoming you.

They are insecure in their own skins. You are obviously secure in yours and that intimidates them.

@ShanEnri I will definitely say that I have my insecure moments, but one thing that I do differently than these so-called “friends” is that I refuse to take shit from them. Everyone else in the group tends to just follow along like little puppy dogs and just act the same way, and if anyone actually “dares” to stand up for themselves or say something to the “ringleader” they get shot down, so they hide their tails between their legs and walk in the other direction.

It really is a reflection of themselves. Just keep that in mind always.
In my experience there are also people who feel power and control through making and seeing others pain. They do anything to oppress and if gives them a high to do and see that. They then sit back and watch. These types also like to watch you try to struggle to find a place back into good grace. They enjoy seeing you in the dog house as well.
If these type ever have been caught in something and loose that upper control they go on an all out attack and will do anything including smear campaigns to turn the tides.
Are these the kind of people you want to associate with?
It sounds like your SO is not that way and not confronting it is his mechanism to not get caught in the vortex of a downward spiral they cause to emotions.
I will write more later when off mobile and attach some links as this is a tough situation that you are in.
Protect your emotions from this kind of activity.

@blueiiznh as always, thank you for your thoughtful response. I keep myself away from his friends (and he keeps me away from him friends) for the very purpose of protecting my emotions. I used to fight tooth-and-nail to have him bring me around his friends, but I think that all along, he was just protecting me from what he knew could be a bad situation. He obviously knows his friends better than I do, and also knows what they are capable of. I actually think he’s only friends with them by default because they’ve all been friends for so long—almost 20 years—and it’s very difficult to break away from such a “tight-knit” group of friends if you don’t have enough moxie to do it. In the beginning of our relationship, he did bring me around a couple times, and I think judging from their actions/reactions he started to realize it would be better for my own (and his) well-being to not have them around me.

If they’re in their 20’s and are still like this, they have developmental delay issues. Most guys grow out of this type of stuff after middle school. Meanness is a defense tactic; meanness in a group like that becomes pack mentality, and is a form of being a thug.

They only matter as much as you allow them to matter. As you describe it, there seems to be some sort of pack mentality that’s developed to ensure that none of them will ever get married, if women are expected to be bitches, and come to no good end, then no one ends up getting married, and the group doesn’t fall apart. Usually what happens with a group of guys like this is that one by one they begin to settle down, and the friends quit mattering as much. Last man standing is alone.

What really matters is if your boyfriend is discussing you and your relationship with these guys, and if he doesn’t defend you. Not defending you should be a deal-breaker in your relationship. He should be willing to take a poke in the nose, or criticism himself in your defense, and if he matters to his erstwhile friends, they should lay off because you’re important to him.

One of the hardest lessons for many to get is the mantra of….

‘When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!’

Immaturity, insecurity, lack of sense of self, all of these contribute to nasty personality issues and lots of negative experiences.

Don’t expect genuine relating and strong integrity from chameleons. Just not in the nature of that animal.

I also would say insecurity with themselves and what @blueiiznh stated above. Lurve

In my earlier note I mentioned that it is a for of oppression. With that in mind I will repost the quote from Marriane Williamson that Nelson Mandela gave after his release from prison in South Africa….Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Shine on!

@blueiiznh

Excellent! read that many years ago ;-)

@BarnacleBill he doesn’t talk to them about me because he knows the kind of reaction they’ll give him. And I guess I should clarify that he has defended me on occasion but it never really deters these assholes.

@blueiiznh I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that quotation. I have struggled with this my whole life (not the asshole friend thing)—fearing that I am “powerful beyond measure.” I never really saw it that way until one of my managers said to me, “Are you afraid of success?” At the time, I scoffed at such a ridiculous idea, but as I’ve grown in the past few years, I’ve definitely come to understand what she meant. I’m workin’ on it. :)

One Word = Schadenfreude

@SpatzieLover interesting! I never knew there was a real term for it!

@ette_ For real. Some people actually get off making people, or seeing people be miserable.

@SpatzieLover While I would be inclined to say “cool! it’s a real phenomenon!” it kind of sucks. :( But thanks for the link!

And for anyone who is wondering, although this really has no bearing on the question I asked, I am not an angst-ridden teenager with too much time on her hands. I may have slightly too much time on my hands but I’m certainly aware that there are “bigger things in life” than worrying about certain things. If you note (which apparently you did not, because all you saw was the word “Facebook” and decided to attack me personally), I did not spend the entire post talking about Facebook. My long story was a precursor to my ultimate question about why people are mean. Not, “What should I do? I get upset when I go on Facebook!”

@ette_ I get your question.

My answer is simple: Get off Facebook. Why? Becase life is short. If something you are doing is causing you pain and it’s a non-essential, then rid your life of it.

dealing with difficult people
dealing with mean people
dealing with impossible people
This is the best way is to help yourself; smile and let their comment or action slide off. Do not take in the anger, do not return it, do not let it become more than it is. It is their problem spilling outwards. Calmly realize this, that it is not about you but them. When you can come from a place of acknowledging their issues it becomes easier to deal with these types of people. It is not your job to take this from people, a smile and letting go is all you need. If they see their anger is not being accepted, not being turned around and thrust back at them, but rather a small moment of kindness, it may stop them in that moment- they will feel it. Instead of holding it in or giving it back, simply smile and walk on. It will make it easier to deal with these types of people and not let their negativity override you and become part of you.

When someone is continually mean, it’s because they feel mean. They act miserably because they are miserable.

Of course, most of us are sometimes mean – when we’re impatient, or having a bad day, etc. We act out. Really, it’s based on the same thing: we’re feeling badly, so we act badly.

It sounds like he needs to move on from these guys. Why can’t he?

@BarnacleBill He’s not the most social, outgoing person to begin with, so for him to make such a change would be very drastic and I don’t think he knows quite how to go about doing it or how he’d handle it. He has said to me before that he doesn’t really truly care for his friends (his words: “my friends are losers”) but his personality type is so laid-back and introverted that for him such a step would be really difficult considering they’re the only friends he’s ever known and they’ve been friends since the age of 12. I’d love for him to move on from them as well, but I also know enough about life that he has to do that when he’s ready, not when I want him to…

Because there are no ferocious beasts and ferocious people roaming our cities and towns unlike in our past. The majority of people are able to use sports or hunting or the competitive business world to let off steam. But for a few people this is not enough. It could be genetic and have to do with neurotransmitter receptors in our brains.

(ette)

What others think about you is totally irrelevant.
Do you think that this will somehow reflect onto the opinion your boyfriend holds about you?
Peer pressure is a terrible thing. But letting yourself get dragged down and bothered by the unkind opinions of others is not good.
You want to try laughing at the comments and joking around with them a little.
It usually breaks through some ice and you will find them less hateful towards you.
Might even win a few friends.
Most importantly…do not let them see it bothers you. ;-)