Do I have an obligation to tell my ex-husband when I am getting married?

Well it would probably be polite to mention it but I don’t think you are obliged to.

In your specific case (knowing all the trouble he’s gone out of his way to make for you), I wouldn’t tell him the date. It just seems like he’d do something to fuck it up for you. Ordinarily, I would as a courtesy (and did tell my ex).

Congratulations, again, by the way!

It sounds like Auggie knows whereof she speaks so I would go with that.

Maybe after, as a courtesy, but yeah, what @augustlan said.

I agree, tell him after. Don’t let him ruin your day.

Tell him after the wedding. If you tell him now, you might have to worry about him fucking things up for you. So just stay relaxed until the wedding and tell him afterwards.

Judging by what you said about him having trained the kids not to talk about Mom, and from what I remember from other threads where you’ve mentioned the nasty kind of guy he is, I get the idea that he doesn’t need to know. Will it affect his scheduled time with the kids? If not, don’t even mention it. You don’t need any more stress in the last couple of weeks before getting married!

Congratulations, and enjoy your day! It’s about you and your new hubby, so don’t let Mr. Ex even enter the picture.

I don’t see that it is any of his business. He doesn’t want the kids to talk about you, but how often do you speak to him? I might mention it in passing after the fact. If he were interested in communicating and being an adult regarding parenting, it would be a different story. He is just getting what he asked for.

Why do you have an impulse to tell him?

You don’t owe him anything, because of the things he has done to you in the past.

You have no legal obligation to tell him.

Let him know after the fact.

Yes you should tell him. He was once you partner in life. If he was a decent husband he does have the right to know.

‘Trained the children’? omg….. there is something very wrong here and it goes deeper than just your upcoming nuptials. If he can’t hear what his children are doing and if you two aren’t talking enough to know what’s going on…. it’s a sick situation you’ve put your kids in and you need to fix it. Toxic bloody shit.

If it’s all on him doing this… then…. I have to ask.. how old are the kids and are they old enough to face this type of hatred and denial (is anyone at any age?) ? and I’d say you have NO reason to tell him anything. He sounds like he’s ostriching.

Let me rephrase that. Maybe he doesn’t want to know anything about you at all. If he trained the children not to tell him anything about you then maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with you. He may not give a crap if you get married or not.

I think you only need to tell him if it will affect any sort of alimony and/or child support payment or arrangements. Otherwise, since he knows you’re engaged, you don’t actually need to tell him the specific date.

@theninth good point, it does not impact any child support or alimony (I did not receive alimony in the settlement).

@cazzie in case it matters, his berating me to the children every time they speak of me is how he effectively trained them not to speak of me. You are right, it is sick and toxic shit, unfortunately it is not my sick and toxic shit and is not mine to “fix”. All I can do is behave myself appropriately with regard to the children’s father. I have no control over his behavior or how it impacts my kids, I just have to be willing and able to pick up the pieces and give them a soft place to land after they have been impacted by it. They will probably never be old enough to face this type of hatred and my prayer is for it to stop.

Then do not tell him about your wedding day. Keep it as far away from his poison as you can.

My husband and I eloped. Therefore no one knew about our marriage until the day after or even up to a week later. When I told my ex he was livid that I was married again and gave me so much crap, but at least the ceremony was over and there was nothing he could do about it.

So my advise is to not tell him until after the wedding or when needed. Don’t spoil your wonderful day with worry.

No way. Let him receive an announcement in the mail or whatever. Unless your getting remarried affects any court ordered financial obligations for him, enjoy your life and let him deal with it as he will.

@SuperMouse we had a situation here where a mother was berating the father to the kids constantly. The father took it to family court and she lost custody.

File a complaint with your family court system of how poorly this attitude of his affects the children and petition for a resolution of some sort.

To my complete and utter shock my kids shared the news with their father. I am not angry with them and kind of happy even that are so excited about it they took the chance to say it out loud to him. Anyway, we are down to a very short time until the big event so whatever he tries to do will at least be short lived!

i think that he should know about it, it may bring closure to the whole thing for him, i was glad to know that my ex wife got remarried. I think as long as kids are involved we will always have to include our exes in our lives. I really hope he acts like an adult and just stays away during your wedding….