Would you break up with your boyfriend because you didn't like his hygiene habits?

Maybe he showered just before going to her house and thought that was sufficient? Maybe he likes being able to smell her scent throughout the work day?

That to me isn’t enough to break up with someone, particularly because you haven’t mentioned the issue being addressed. If he’s grossly negligent in the hygiene department, I would have to address it.

Does he smell? Not everyone takes a shower every day. I think if he stinks it’s one thing; otherwise, why sould she impose her standards on him?

I don’t think it’s worth breaking up over. If he NEVER showers, then that’s a problem. But like @Taciturnu says, he could have showered before he came to her house. And there are plenty of men (and women, for that matter) who don’t like to shower after sex because they like the smell.

If your friend’s boyfriend smells bad all the time, then there’s a bigger issue. Is it worth breaking up over? I guess that depends on your friend. A stinky boyfriend doesn’t make a happy girlfriend, but if he doesn’t stink on a regular basis, I don’t think it’s worth leaving him over.

I just read that it’s a workplace romance. AKA a booty call on his part I’d assume. How long has it been going on? Are they actually dating or just having sex? If they aren’t even in a relationship, then she needs to mind her own business. If she doesn’t like his showering habits, then stop having sex with him. She’s not his wife or his mommy, so she really doesn’t have a say regarding his hygiene.

” As within, so without”

Yes, I would.

Everyone can have an unshowered, kick around the house day, but, those that are chronically negligent of their hygiene and live in sloppy conditions, have issues with depression or other emotionial woes.

By the same token I have no interest in compulsive perfectionism either, same rope, different ends.

I might.

I had a boyfriend back in high school who had awful hygiene habits. He was a sloppy eater and often spilled food on his coat, but never washed it. He always smelled like old spaghetti sauce. He also had a number of other bad habits and was generally irresponsible. We broke up before the relationship got very serious.

In that case, it was a stupid high school “Oh, someone actually likes me?!” relationship. If I was in a relationship with someone like that today, and their personality was wonderful, I would try to bring it up in a positive, constructive way. Such as, “Hey, I think you should use this body wash more often, it makes you smell sexy like the Old Spice guy.”

There’s also this guy who is friends with one of my coworkers. Every so often he comes into the store and oh Lord, the smell… I don’t think he ever showers. It’s a wonder people can stand to be around him. Needless to say, I would not remain in a relationship with hygiene that bad.

I feel that bad hygiene is a symptom of poor self-respect and irresponsibility. It applies to me personally as well; I let my personal hygiene slack a bit (not flossing, waking up too late to take a shower in the morning, etc) when I’m depressed. I highly doubt that this guy you’re talking about is absolutely perfect except for the showering thing. So, if I were dating him, chances are I’d eventually see some other evidence of this poor self-respect. And together, if things weren’t that serious, it might be enough to cause a break-up.

It would depend how bad his bad hygiene was. I’d first make an attempt to get him to improve it, and if that didn’t work, I’d be outta there. I couldn’t be that close to someone stinky.

I mean, I don’t care if someone doesn’t shower every single day – as others have said, some people don’t need to. I’ve been known to skip a day now and then. But if it becomes an issue, like if others are noticing, then it might be something to be concerned about.

Your friend could always invite him into the shower with her in the mornings.

For me, I like her a bit stinky.

But, if it is downright nasty, I would have a hard time getting amorous.

I once dated a guy who worked outside all day, and when he came home, he reeked of BO. When we climbed into bed, I told him that he needed to take a shower, otherwise, I wouldn’t go downtown. I had no interest messing with his smelly curds and whey (junk cheese).

So, if my SO was pretty stinky often. I would have a hard time doing the deed, and I’d be out of there.

I have a tough enough time putting up with me if I haven’t showered in the morning. I’m not going to ask her to put up with it.

She says, “No -he did not take a shower before coming over. I am not even sure if he showered yesterday morning. And yes, as you know – we are in a relationship…”

The relationship has been going on for some number of months—not sure it it’s half a year yet. He’s smart and funny and has other attributes she likes a lot. But she takes two showers a day, so being clean is very important to her.

I guess both hygiene styles are fairly common, but they are at the other end of the spectrum from each other. I think it may not be so much an issue of right or wrong, as it is whether the relationship is important enough for her to put up with a habit that she finds fairly foul.

To generalize the issue even more, is there any kind of experience you have with putting up with something about your SO that is fairly repugnant to you, but is balanced by some very good things? How much repugnance are you willing to put up with? Is there something else—maybe some kind of compromise that you found? If so, how did you do it?

@wundayatta Her place is not the neatest (she’d killed me for saying this), and I love to clean, so, I don’t mind scrubbing a floor or two whilst spending the weekend.

Also, she has a hard time asking her landlord to fix things. It used to drive me crazy (she had a broken washing machine for two months and was lugging her clothes to the laundromat), but, now I am able to let it go. She is the one who has to live with it.

@wundayatta I think she has to figure out if this is a deal breaker for her. After all, deal breakers either are or aren’t. She should address the problem with her boyfriend. If she wouldn’t be able to stand it and he’s unwilling to “clean up,” I would think she has her answer.

I tend to be annoyed by a lot of what my husband does. There is a lot of good about him that makes me notice how he eats for example, as petty as it sounds a lot less.

I don’t shower every day.

I do almost always shower post-coitus, if not immediately after, at least prior to going out in a public setting like work.

Not showering after sex is a great way to give your girl a UTI.

If it bothers her enough then yes, she should. Trying to change him won’t work. His lack of hygiene could be a symptomatic characteristic of his personality.

Overall, is her bf a clean person? Just by her observation of him, she can tell. Does he wash his hands after using the bathroom? Does he have BO?

Like another Fluther stated, he may have had a shower before coming over. I would not judge her bf strictly on this incident alone.

I would keep an eye and nose on him for other signs of bad hygiene, not just these two times.

Oh, and a question: if this occured on one other occasion, then why did your friend allow him to have sex with her a second time, under these conditions???

If he stinks when he comes over, I can understand her concern. If he’s inflicting his stink on others at work, why would she care? The answer is something else probably bothers her, and this is an excuse. If she liked him, she’d likely adapt to enjoying the smell of his BO to some extent.

That would be a deal-breaker.Good hygiene is very important to me and shows that one cares about oneself as well as the nostrils of others.;)

If he’s been a boyfriend and bed mate for several months, maybe it’s time for her to talk to him about it and see what’s going on?

I don’t know. If it bothered me (which doesn’t seem to me like it would) and I addressed it with him and he didn’t want to even consider some sort of a compromise, I might consider breaking up just because he wouldn’t be addressing my concern sufficiently and not because of the original thing.

Why is that such a big deal? Am I missing something?

Taking 2 showers a day is obnoxious and a waste. Not always showering after sex is…..honestly it almost never even crosses my mind unless I had planned to shower then anyhow. Maybe I am just really out of the loop?

You know, my boyfriend never brushes his teeth when he’s at my apartment. I’ve asked him numerous times but he’ll just laugh and pop a piece of gum in his mouth. It turns out that he was pretty grossed out by my bathroom so he didn’t want to brush his teeth here. Your friend should ask her boyfriend why he doesn’t want to shower at her place. Maybe her shower is gross or she doesn’t have the kind of soap he likes to use. If she doesn’t want to ask him about it, they should sleep over at his place and see what happens. If he showers, then it’s probably safe to assume that he just doesn’t like showering at her place.

I probably wouldn’t break up with him for bad hygiene habits. I might break up with him if I asked him to make a simple change, like showering for work, and he refused to do it.

Is he a genius by chance?

My husband had several bad hygiene habits when we met. I didn’t hold it against him. Luckily I was willing to teach him things he didn’t know about.

@everephebe A lack of hygiene is also symptomatic of this

@SpatzieLover exactly what I was thinking (the first thing I thought.) Actually some people believe that explains Michelangelo. (last paragraph)

Also Cracked #4 Michelangelo, Italian Renaissance Painter, 1475–1564 7 eccentric geniuses who were clearly just insane article.

Well, it could be worse. He could wash religiously with coal tar soap. That stuff smells disgusting.

Not showering every day doesn’t mean you’re gross. In my current physical condition, showering is actually really painful, so sometimes I go days between showers. But I don’t go days without washing. There are other ways to stay clean, I promise. So unless the guy is seriously rank after one morning without a shower, that wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me, personally.

At my age a daily shower equates to alligator skin. I have a serious sponge bath every morning with a clean washcloth, soap and hot water. It is the bits and bobs that have to be taken seriously. My unwashed elbows rarely smell.

I don’t have a boyfriend, so I can’t answer this as asked, but if it is bothering her and it is a cronic issue it may be a showstopper.
Bad breath would be a show stopper for me.
I would find it kind of skanky to not shower normally and hop off to work like that, but thats me.
As others stated, he has to change and you can’t make him change. All you can do is have it known of your feelings and determine where you really really stand and how important it is. If it crossed the line, then make certain you are willing to act on it and be true to yourself.
Otherwise, it WILL happen again and where will you be:
Left holding the unused bar of soap on a rope!

Wait! They had sex and he didn’t shower first? Unacceptable. And after a shower that last thing the hands should touch is a clean towel and the sheets – not a door knob, not a TV remote, not a computer, not even the light switch. Clean is good.

If she does not address this issue now, she might be setting herself up for a lifetime of UTIs. Is he worth it?

I shower before and after – and sometimes between rounds. I don’t live in a desert

@worriedguy OCD perhaps?

I wouldn’t be bothered by this. People’s needs for showers vary. Some people need to shower every day…others don’t. I find the thought of showering twice a day to be excessive. If I shower more than once every two days I dry out like a prune.

The only time I shower after sex is when I planned to shower anyway.

It sounds as though their ideas of hygiene are on opposite ends of the spectrum. That may end up being problematic in the long run.

Why exactly does this bother her? Is it just the idea that he hasn’t showered or does he smell or look grubby? If she just is bothered by the idea that he hasn’t showered but there is no outward sign that he hasn’t, then this sounds like her own personal problem and she needs to recognize that.

@SpatzieLover OCD? Perhaps. I prefer to think of it as RFMP, (respect for my partner).
By the way, I am not a neatnik or clean freak. Honest.

I have mentioned this in other posts. For me, there is nothing sexier than the taste of fresh toothpaste and the aroma of Dial soap on a warm skin. It makes me salivate just thinking about it.

It seems like she’s worried that he smells like sex, and since they work together (and people know they’re seeing each other), their co-workers might actually be able to smell him and by extension, smell her. If this is the issue, she should tell him in a straight-forward way about her concern… especially if she can actually smell him afterwards. I can see why that might be embarassing for her.

Otherwise, it’s a matter or personal preference and she’ll have to make a decision based on how much it bothers her. Personally, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

As for UTIs, it makes sense for the woman to shower afterwards to prevent them… and for both parties to be clean before sex, but I don’t understand why some people have suggested that a man not showering after sex can lead to the woman getting UTIs. Maybe that’s a bit off-topic, but it confused me.

As far as I know taking a pee after sex is a much better precaution to not getting a UTI than showering.

@worriedguy Maybe it’s just me but….if everyone showered before sex, after sex, and in between rounds, and, judging from those numbers, about 20 other times a day on average….I think we’d be in a lot of trouble. Why is that even necessary? I don’t get it. Why do we waste so much water?

Problem solve people, have sex in the shower. It saves water.

@everephebe I’ve been too hurt in the shower. I prefer somewhere soft and warm.

Fluther won’t let me answer <sob>. Maybe 5th time will be the charm.

(Hetero) shower sex only works if you’re both fairly small, or if she’s small and he’s strong. It doesn’t work for us. Showering together is nice, and you can do other fun stuff in there, but as for actual intercourse? No thanks – I’d rather not.

@deni It just feels (and tastes) better. As they say “To each his own.”

Yes. Hygeine affects the sexual chemistry and attraction I have to a partner so if after knowing our habits and preferences that a partner wouldn’t want to make any adustments… gone. A bf once ditched me because I complained about him not brushing his teeth daily or bathing daily.

I gotta say I might. I have dated smokers, and women who just smelled like manhole gas (seriously), and if it gets too much, I will back away.

@filmfann I’ve yet to smell manhole gas. Can you elucidate?

I work for the phone company in the California Bay Area. When I was working in San Francisco, some manholes had gas in them, from leaks in the PG&E structure. That is one reason you see air blowers pumping fresh air into manholes.
PG&E uses a natural gas that is odorless, and they add a smell to it to make it easily detectable. It has a light trace of sulfur and stale walnuts, as best as I can describe it.

@Seelix- You forgot to mention height… :)

@Taciturnu – I figured a strong guy would be able to do it no matter how tall he is!

@Seelix Touche.

Smell is a very important element in life. I have a very acute sense of smell and if I don’t like the way someone smells it would be a total deal breaker for me. Now it is not explicitly stated that the guy smells but if he didn’t shower the day before and he didn’t shower the next day, I betcha my nose would know!

Hygiene is important to me so yep, it would be a deal breaker. And trying to get someone to change their hygiene habits as an adult I think would be very difficult. Better to let him find someone with similar habits and she likewise. Otherwise I could almost guarantee it will become a bone of contention later in their relationship. She will get tired of his habits and he will tire of her telling him about it.

And really I have lived in drought situations but still shower several times a day. It is like when you are on a boat. You turn on the water and get wet. Then you turn off the water and lather and shampoo, then you turn on the water and rinse. Water is going to have to become pretty damned scarce before I change my hygiene habits.

You know he could argue that you are the smelly one as you need to shower everyday and he doesn’t.

If he smells sometimes and I started to notice other signs of bad hygiene I’d break up with him and not tell him why. If you tell him why, he’d be hurt and promise to change – which he would not do.- This sounds like something that could get worse. I’ll pass.

File this under “you can’t please everyone”. I’ve had partners ‘complain’, “What? I smell so bad that you have to wash off the stink right away?”

It’s not an issue of “hygiene” unless it’s clear that that is the problem (and it’s not, from what you write); it’s an issue (if it’s one at all) of “difference of habits” and the interpersonal friction that sometimes causes. Either that, or she also has a guilty conscience about seeing the guy (and doesn’t want anyone else to scent her on him) or just plain doesn’t want anyone to know, and thinks that his “smelling like sex every day” (if he even does) will give away the gig to others in the office.