Is there a different way of coping with irrational jealousy compared to rational jealousy?

I have issues with the irrational jealousy sometimes. It’s often in regards to relationships. Just last night, my boyfriend was spending time at a friends when his ex came over. He failed to call me that night. I think that the jealousy was irrational at first—when I was just upset that they were hanging out. The irrational jealousy was me immediately getting angry.

I have no idea how to get rid of irrational jealousy. Sometimes it just takes over and I often say or do things that I regret when I calm down. I think irrational jealousy stems from severe insecurities awithin oneself. The rational jealousy is also a constant, but more dull reminder of something I’m not satisfied in my own life

I think that cheating, and lying about it is unforgivable. Cheating in itself is often unforgivable, but circumstances can vary. Lying about something like that is never okay. I’ve thankfully never experienced this, as far as I know. Knock on wood.

I don’t understand the difference between rational and irrational jealousy. Is “rational ” jealousy when you think you have “right” to be jealous? and “irrational” jealousy when you feel you don’t have that “right”? Jealousy just is. I think it is always a visceral response. It can be exacerbated by insecurities but it can also happen if the thing you stand to lose, or to put it better, the relationship that feels threatened, is deeply important to you. Then, even a secure person would be hard pressed not to feel jealous. It’s part of being human.

I think rational jealousy comes from when you’ve been told by your SO that you are in a monogomous relationship, that he/she is completely over their last relationship, and that they want to be with you and aren’t interested in pursuing other romantic relationships, and they say that they don’t hang around/talk/tex/phone skype their exes (or troll around looking for potential new mates) and then you find out that they did one of all of these things. After trust has been violated with one particular person, I think it’s completely rational to have jealous/mistrustful feelings toward that person, even if you’ve forgiven them and are trying to make the relationship work. It’s kind of like being bitten by a dog.

Irrational jealousy usually stems from being hurt in any of the above manners by someone, but attributing those tendencies to a new partner who has never given you any reason to think that he/she has done or will do any of those things. This second kind of jealousy is much harder to deal with, because it’s all one sided. The current (un-guilty) partner can’t be any less guilty, because they haven’t done anything, they can’t fix something that isn’t broken.

In the first example, if the guilty partner makes a real attempt to stop being a douche-bag and shows his partner by constant example that he has changed, then his partner can eventually stop feeling jealous. The un-guilty partner in the second example cannot do anything to allay the fears of his partner, so unless his partner (the one with the irrational jealousy) gets some type of help, their relationship is doomed to be unhappy and will likely end when one or both of them can’t take the agony any more.

@Kardamom if a relationship was doomed to be agony, then would it be best to end it as soon as possible in order to reduce the duration of the agony? The jealous person could get help, but what if they refused to? Would that indicate an earliest possible dissolution of the relationship? What if, as @Earthgirl suggests, the relationship is deeply important to the jealous person? Would the object of the jealousy be best served by getting out of the relationship a soon as possible?

I don’t like the idea at all. No jealousy is irrational because no jealousy comes from “nowhere.”

What you define as “irrational jealously” is actually just “rational jealousy” with a mysterious source as opposed to a missing source.
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When you confuse your terms you obscure your own vision; you prevent yourself from seeing the answers you need with more clarity.

I can’t answer all of your questions, but if jealousy is truly irrational (and I mean the person feeling it thinks so), they might be able to talk themself out of it. It would take some time and practice, but it’s definitely possible.

You might look into the book I’m OK, You’re OK. I know the title is a cliche, but it’s a really useful book for figuring out how we can be in control of our own reactions to things.

@wundayatta Yeah, I think if the person was feeling irrational jealousy and was un-willing to get any help to deal with it, it would indeed be best for both parties if they just dissolved their relationship as soon as the irrational jealousy reared its ugly head. Especially if the relationship is deeply important to the jealous person, because the jealousy itself is what is going to start to cause harm (to both of them). I think both parties should give it the old college try in the first place, but if the irrationally jealous person can’t/won’t give it up by the second attempt to get past it, then the whole thing is doomed. And if they don’t break up at that point, then the relationship will probably just get uglier and uglier down the line.

I think that separation from the object of jealousy will stop that. However, that person will find something else to be jealous about if their attitude doe snot change.