My friend has told me she is/was having an affair, am I giving her the right advice?

They BOTH need marriage counseling. This is nothing any family member or dearest friend is qualified to handle. If you tried, it could destroy your relationship with both of them. Familiarity breeds contempt.

She needs to tell the truth! The lie will only eat her up inside which will only make her more unhappy. Her husband leaving her,if she chooses to tell the truth, will only be fair. She must accept the consequences of her actions. Anyway, the husband seems to be a loving person, he may choose to look the other way and continue loving her. I just hope your cousin will truly change her ways, because it will not be the last time she will be unhappy (nobody is truly happy in their relationship), she might cheat on her husband again.
I wish her happiness,peace be to her!

Of course she should tell him about the affair. If she doesn’t tell him, then she still wants to keep her secrets, and she isn’t committed to her long term relationship. He needs to know, and they need to work through it together. There is no other way.

I really wanted to say she should not tell him because it sounds from what you wrote as if she just wants to alleviate her own guilt (not because she thinks she needs to rebuild their relationship on truth), but a relationship built on lies will cause problems.

If I were the husband….. I would be ABSOLUTELY crushed.

But optimisticpessimist is right here. She should tell him, not to alleviate her guilt so much, but because sooner or later it will come out, and it will be a crack in their foundation until its addressed.

Affair = the end. Period.

If, after splitting up and getting help, one wishes to “try again” – it might work. But first – one must separate and reflect. Then get help. This is vital. If there is true love – then why did one do their best to fuck it up completely and hurt the other person? Bullshit. StayIng together AFTER never works out – there is too much animosity and distrust. Blind Love is for the 60’s – it isn’t blind anymore. Love = trust, friendship and respect. Affair means no love, no trust and complete disrespect for the other.

ZEN OUT

I take a more nuanced position certainly than @seazen.‘s I believe many relationships have survived an affair. I am torn about whether telling about an affair that has ended is necessary or not; as you say, it can alleviate guilt but may just overburden the partner. I don’t have personal knowledge of this issue (as far as I know) but I think it is not necessarily black and white. I would recommend eithier marital or individual counseling before she decides whether to tell.

I agree totally with jannbb (big surprise). I think she should see a counselor who can help her decide on whether to tell about the affair.

Your advice to end one or the other relationship was right on.

She chose correctly staying in her marriage. There are ways to revitalize the marriage. She might want to get and read (and have her husband read) Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. In any case, she needs to finsih one relationship before embarking on another.

I think that in any situation where there’s been infidelity and the “cheater” feels remorse for it and is willing to try to rebuild the relationship, there has to be honesty as well.

If their relationship is going to survive the affair, both partners need to know. Will it hurt him? Yes. But I think that, in order for things to move forward from here, he ought to know.

How is he supposed to be expected to improve the relationship if he doesn’t even know how bad things had gotten? Sure, he knows she wanted to end it. But he doesn’t know that she sought intimacy and comfort from another man.

Counselling, both individually and as a couple, would help both of them.

P.S. I second @marinelife‘s book suggestion – when I was working in a bookstore I had many people coming in over the years looking for Hendrix on their counsellor’s suggestion.

The bottomline is here is they are not married. Each is free to do as they please.

I would stay out of that situation, altogether.

I suspect she was looking for a confidant as well.
She certainly needs to bring this forward if they are going to continue together. A marriage counselor is needed at a minimum. This will be one of the toughest things they will do and if they are both open and honest can have a chance at surviving it.
It will be a long bumpy road.
In my mind a person in a marriage that seeks or has an affair does so because of some vulnerability. The only way to get to the root of it will be open honest counseling at this point. That however doesn’t mean that it may not unwravel completely, but they each need to come to terms on it together or on there own in whatever time it takes.

And I agree completely with both @janbb and @marinelife (big surprise).

I disagree with the old ladies here, big surprise, and I am very familiar with the hendrix
“method.”

I am writing from a pc that is uncomfortable so i won’t go on… but to say that I completely stand by what I wrote and moreover: friend’s are honest with friends. Not telling about an affair, a robbery or a murder (where do you draw the line) is participating.

While I choose to draw the line somewhere between affair and robbery, I do think that the husband deserves to know.

This is for a completely logical reason – He needs to know so he can be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

And don’t “p’shaw!” that statement – he is in a relationship with a woman who has been intimate with someone else, and who knows who that guy has been sleeping with?

As far as the relationship is concerned, I agree with the above posters who have suggested counseling.

I agree with @Seek_Kolinahr – I’m simply saying that counselling and everything else is better after a seperation; a bit like going to AA with a beer in hand, if one needs an allusion.

An affair means distrust and even bitter hatred. Love is lost. It might be found, but a couple needs to get real perspective. I think staying together is a bit old fashioned and dare I say, weak. Sorry – we are very straightforward about these things.

@seazen How is it considered weak to fight for a marriage if both are willing to do what it takes to stay and work on their relationship? I just don’t get it.

She should tell. He deserves to know. He may leave her, he may not, but at this point it should be his decision. The relationship will never work without complete honesty.

It’s difficult to express my thoughts completely now – with this little keyboard and the late hour. But I gave you lurve and I am willing to continue this another time…

remember what advice is; personal experience

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_(opinion)

Honesty is always the best policy. Always. While a little dishonesty may make things may look good in the short-term, there is long term damage being done whether or not it’s visible in the moment.

Having that said, I think what your essentially telling your best friend is that cheating is okay and that as long as it’s kept a secret, there wont be a problem. When really, she pissed all over the sanctity of her relationship (marriage or not) and her partner has no clue. After that, the title of “boyfriend/partner/husband/etc.” stands for nothing, in my opinion. It’s a big lie and I think she ought to own up to it. If she didn’t want to deal with the consequences, she shouldn’t have done what she did in the first place.

@seazen I applaud you!

@jonsblond I’ll let the guy speak for himself by all means, but I think what he meant was that it’s weak to stay together just for the sake of keeping the family whole or for financial/economical reasons as opposed to walking away and moving on after someone has truly done the foundation of a relationship wrong.

It was her decision to have an affair and it should be his decision as to whether or not he puts up with it. But who knows maybe he will say “great because honey I’ve got something to tell you!”. I mean if she was going to tell him, she can’t be all that worried about the reaction, when your with someone you usually know what your in for, especially 10 yrs later. I would of asked her “how do you think he will react?”.

@Disc2021 Back atcha.

Ok, I absolutely would have always said ’ tell him!’, as i said i would want to know, but i suppose it’s harder when you really know the people involved. @john65pennington I don’t think it matters if a couple are married or not, if you make a commitment to someone and have children, a home and work as a partnership i think a wedding band shouldn’t decide whether you stay faithful or not ! I’m not having a go, just my opinion.

@janbb That is exactly how i feel and she has asked a councellor she works with to refer her to someone he would recommend.

@seazen, I am definitely not telling her cheating is okay, and i know the reason she told me was not to condone it, as she knows i wouldn’t, but to help her as her head was all over the place.

We did talk about it last night and I have told her that if she is going to tell him, thats her decision and not to do it to off load the guilt but to work at it and move on. They are both fantastic people and to say this is out of character for her would be an understatement. We have lost 4 family members to cancer in the last 13 months, one being her step dad, so I do think the loss combined with her anxiety just had her looking in the wrong places for comfort. I’m not telling this to excuse it, afterall i’ve had the same loss, but i do feel that it may have something to do with it. Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice, they have really helped

@seazen I’m speaking from personal experience as well, my friend.

Pardon me, @seazen….comment in my last answer was meant for @Disc2021

@ejk21405 Well, what else are you saying when you tell your cousin something along the lines of: “No, don’t tell him… there’s no telling what he’d do to the person you’ve had this affair with and besides, I dont think he’d forgive you anyway, despite the fact that I would want to know myself, being put in that situation.”? You’re saying “Hey, you got away with cheating, why expose yourself now and make matters worse?”. Asserting that confessing now would be an act of selfishness is a bit ridiculous, in my opinion – I think it’s the other way around.

She knows she’s done wrong and she knows she’s covering a lie; that the relationship has been violated. I’m unsympathetic and dismissive towards the anxiety excuses – during a time of grief is when you should be turning to your partners, not cheating on them (correct me if you feel otherwise). She may be a fantastic person, but (again, in my opinion) even if fantastic people do make mistakes, they do not lie about them.

@Disc2012 The reason I asked this question was to get other peoples opinons, so thanks for yours. I do actually agree with most of what your saying. I’m merely replying to your comment that I think “cheating is okay”.... I sincerely do not. She knows it’s not okay, she’s a grown woman, but we don’t always do as we should! I would want to know if I were in his shoes, which is why I was very torn as to what advice to give here. Sometimes everything isn’t always as black and white as we would like it to be. If it was, I wouldn’t have asked this question in the first place.

The mention of anxiety and grief was not to pool sympathy, just a fact and possibly a contributing factor to doing something so out of character for her. I do think that a time of grief is a time that will generally bring you closer to loved ones, but not always, and it obviously didn’t in this case. I would always say to be honest and upfront and admit when you are wrong is the only way, but is a three week affair where there were three meetings, worth potentially destroying a relationship with your partner and your children for?

@ejk21405 You’re welcome – I’m glad you realize I’m not trying to pick a fight with you here or turn anything aggressive, I’m really just voicing my opinion to honor your request.

Grown up or not, we’re all human and we all make mistakes, I will not refute that. However, in my opinion at least, what separates the children from the adults are the people that have the courage to own up to their own mistakes. This isn’t even to say that your cousin doesn’t deserve forgiveness; for all anyone truly knows her partner could have had an affair of his own or could care less, for that matter. Obviously, although your cousin says there has been progress in the relationship, things are good and what not – something is still troubling her and that something is the mistake that she has made exactly. My guess is that even if things continue to get better on the outside, she’s going to burn on the inside until she’s atoned for what she’s done.

Hypothetical here: Suppose your cousin is a catholic priest who just so happens to have an “affair” with an alter boy. Suppose the reasoning is that the priest has been going through a lot of anxiety or depression and that had a bearing on his behavior. But now, he’s a wonderful priest that’s gained a great amount of respect amongst the community. I present you the same question – if the priest confesses, is what happened one time worth giving up this man’s entire priesthood career? Suppose the “alter boy” just so happens to be your son, who comes forward to you about the incident a year later. Is it worth it, then?

I know, different situation entirely but the principle is still the same. When you make a commitment, you make a commitment. Breaking it, whether it’s known or unknown to anyone else means breaking it. That means no matter how strong, well and healthy it may appear on the outside after it has been broken, it stands for next to nothing. In my example, what good is a priest who sleeps with children, whether it be once or hundreds of times? What good is a dollar if it’s counterfeit? An apple that’s made out of wood? etc.

I’ve been on both sides of the pendulum – I’ve been liar and I’ve been lied to. What I’ve learned from lying is that lying itself could not bring me further away from what I actually want, no matter how enticing/promising the short-term benefit may seem. What I’ve learned from being lied to is that not everything is always as it seems (really makes the famous quote “Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see” echo in volumes).

I know situations get complicated, our world is never black and white and decisions are not as simple as they may sound. I still think however that your cousin has something she needs to own up to, regardless of the outcomes. Otherwise, she’s going to live in regret.

@john65pennington My partner and I have made a decision not to get married, because it is a ritual that goes against our personal philosophies, but I would still want her to have the decency to leave me before sleeping with another man.

I think you should tell your friend that she should be honest with her/his partner, even if they do have a fight, relationships are based on honesty and telling him/her would be the right thing. If they really want to make it work after she has told the truth then they should go see a marriage consul.