Do you see what other people see in you?

Apparently I don’t see what others do, since I’ve just been called a mindless killer of innocents.~

I’m seen as humorous and very articulate, verbally adept, a good communicator, wise and upfront.
I champion these traits within, and yes, the mirrors reflection is pretty right on.

Me too… plus modesty.

All right, really. I’ve been told that I’m driven, articulate, honest and passionate. I agree.

I’m trying to think of an instance where I’ve disagreed with what others have said… but all that’s coming to mind is Elaine’s “You think I have grace?” from Seinfeld. I haven’t had a moment like that.

I lurve seelix just saying.

Party at my house, bring your verbosity. :-)

@seazen_ – Aww, lurve you too! I was watching an old TNG last night and thought of you.

Katawagrey tells me I’m cute. I’ll choose to believe her. ;-)

Most I meet end up not liking me, even hating me. Got no idea why.

@12Oaks

You must have some idea why you consistently rub others the wrong way. Have you ever asked for feedback?

I am just me and do not want to elaborate on things that others see in me. They see me as I react to them and have a view of me that they have created.

I see it most of the time, but I also see the negative aspects that a lot of people don’t see.

@coloma No. I try not to speak with those who don’t like me, like most of my co-workers. Got a real Catch 22 going there.

@12Oaks – How do you know that your coworkers don’t like you? Have they told you so? Could it be that they don’t talk to you because they think you don’t like them?

@seelix The same way a lady knows she’s about to give birth, I guess. You just do.

We all create a view of others and from that view we react to others. If you try to see them and how they look at you then you can maybe understand how they are reacting to you.

@12Oaks – It was just a hypothesis.

There are two domains of my life in which I occupy a position of authority. People look to me as something of an expert and mentor in these fields. This is at once vaguely humorous and vaguely disturbing to me. Humorous because I’m keenly aware of my lack of expertise in these areas, and disturbing because I can see how easy and tempting it would be to take advantage of people who view you in that light.

As a result, I’m cautious to not feed into that kind of idealization. I end up undermining my own authority, but that’s fine with me. I’m more interested in having people rely on themselves and discover their own resources.

I’ve been told that I’m funny and blunt and that I have a way with words. I guess I don’t disagree with those, but other than that, I’m not really sure how others “see me”, so I have no idea.

@Seelix You’re only seen as a mindless killer of innocents because you’re horde… rofl :P

I do see and pretty much know what people see in me as I get a lot of feedback. I am taken aback at times by what people do seem to perceive as positives and there are times I do not feel I fit this perception they are conveying to me. I have this constant feeling of “if only they really knew”! I am just very grateful they don’t get to see what is really going on inside my skull.

I can also say that I may not want to hear what they really think of me either! XD

I was watching an old TNG and thought of this avatar as well.

Absolutely not. The few people I appeal to must be even weirder than I am.

@12Oaks I, too, do not understand why. Discuss?

@Seelix What was the mindless killer of innocents referencing?

I can see what people see in me, and I usually agree. What I don’t agree on is the importance of these things. For example, I’ve been told that I make people feel like I’m paying attention to them and they feel “heard.” They think that because I ask questions, I am interested in them. I agree with both of these.

But then they act as if it’s unusual or special, and I don’t get that. As if somehow my attention is different from other people’s attention.

I guess I can never know if they are right or not, since I don’t know what other people’s experiences and reactions are. I don’t know who they’ve met and why the things I do feel any different from anyone else doing them. In my heart, I’m just an ordinary schmoe. And if I am different, those kinds of things can’t be the reason I’m different, unless somehow you can be different by being ordinary. Which sounds like an oxymoron.

@Adirondackwannabe – Why, my mindless killing of innocents, of course. Didn’t you hear? I’m the Chupacabra! No, really, it was this wacky thread.

Some people have told me that I’m a good leader and don’t lose my cool very often. Which I find strange, because when I was in said leadership position I was constantly stressing and about to freak out. Also, one of my sister’s friends once told her that she thought I was very graceful, and that I danced while I walked. I’m assuming she’s never seen me nearly trip down an entire flight of stairs.

@Seelix I see now. I usually skip the religous threads. I didn’t know what I was missing out on.

I’m always surprised when people say I’m funny. I don’t seem to be any funnier than the average person, and I’ve always had friends who are extremely funny.

I have to take issue with the claim that you don’t have to do anything to listen, however. Good listeners are active listeners. They pay attention, they encourage someone to get everything out that needs to get out, they know how to identify questions that shouldn’t be answered. It’s a skill, not something that can be done while reading a magazine.

@Seelix Oh my God. So you’re not just a werewolf, but a poor, misguided werewolf who refuses to convert? Should we all run scared?—

I’ve been told I’m nice, which I know is because I keep my mouth shut a lot of the time. I’ve got no opportunity to say anything mean, because I hardly say anything.
I’ve been told it’s impossible to be mad at me. Again, because I never do anything, so there’s never anything to get mad at me for. If I were to do things, I could get people mad at me. It’s possible; I’ve had plenty of people mad at me before.
And people love these two qualities in me. Me, I think it means I’m not much.

I’ve been told by a lot of people I remind them of themself. But all these people are very different, so I have a hard time believing I really am like all of them. I have this growing theory about this. Because when I’m around different people I feel different inside, I wonder if I’m not in some way just mimicking their energy. That’s probably why I don’t like to be around, or at least focus on, many people at once. Too much variance to chameleon it all? I dunno.

Normally, no. One group of people tends to tell me I am the exact opposite from what another group tells me I am, leaving me very confused as to how I come across to other people.

They don’t always see me correctly but I can always see why they’d think what they think – people’s impressions are never about me, it’s about them.

We all create a view of other people and we react to the person based on our view of them. If you are being treated badly then I would suggest trying to see how they see you.

@Summum would you do the same thing if you were being treated well, and didn’t really understand it?

@seazen Not sure what was misunderstood.

Yes I was taught to do so and honestly you can change how you are being treated by just changing the view of the person doing so. Everyone does react to how they are treated and if one is willing to take 100% responsibility many times it changes the relationship. And if it doesn’t at least you will have the knowledge that you gave it your all.

@DancingMind I think you have wonderful qualities – I wish I could shut up more… plus, you are aware of something that you would like to change, thus you are a step in the first direction. Now it’s time to say:

Hello. My name is @DancingMind – and I would like to speak my mind. Got a problem with that? Yes? Well it’s my turn to talk 0— you shut the fuck up – and when it’s your turn, you’ll talk.

Here on fluther – you don’t even need to take a number. Just speak your mind.

People tend to say I’m super-nice. Gosh, I hope so, it beats the alternative.

They also say that I’m a good cook. Gotta be, gotta eat.

They say I’m good with animals. You betcha I am, since I have a kitty and I occassionally house sit and take care of animals, I’d better be good at it. But picking up poop and cleaning up throw up and petting kitties and doggies should come naturally to everyone, don’t you think?

I heard this, just like a lot of others in the military heard it, and almost none of us believe it: “You’re so courageous!” Courage is only doing what needs to be done, in spite of your fear.

@CaptainHarley (and Bluefreedom et al the brothers in arms): though I know what you mean… being a military man myself, I have to disagree: I see your courage, i.e., I both see it (recognize it) and see it (poker wise) and raise you one more: humility. Thus, an answer like yours.

Shit, there are lotsa grunts who would simply accept the compliment and brag about being a hero. Not everyone is alike that way.

You are the epitomy of a true hero.

Well, judge for yourself. What do you see? lol

Wundayatta I agree with SavoirFaire about the listening skill not being so common. As he says it requires attention and a lot of people are just waiting for their chance to talk and not really listening, not really hearing. Besides that, it is not only the listening that counts. It is making a response to the person that shows you have really heard them or that is insightful. It involves in the best case scenario being empathetic, not just sympathetic. Without that there is no real connection.
As for myself, I am not really sure if I see in me what others do. I have always wanted to be able to understand how others see me but I am unable to. Maybe I distrust the feedback that I get from people who tell me things about myself. Maybe I am too good at discounting the positive. man, that sounds really pathetic, I don’t mean it to! I have gotten one comment lately that seems like an accurate portrayal to me. A friend of mine said that there is a fruit in Israel that is called sabras. Like me, It is prickly on the outside, but if you can get past that, soft and sweet on the inside. I can be a little too feisty at times. It may not show here on Fluther, and I try not to be, but , there it is.
This is a picture of sabras-the prickly pear fruit. http://kosherfood.about.com/od/kosherisraelifood/a/sabras.htm

@Earthgirl I am a sabra. And it is, indeed, my character (flaw?)

seazen A good heart shines through! :)

@seazen_

Good grief, bro! LOL! I was just trying to answer the question, not fish for even MORE praise! You makin’ me blush! LOL!

Who Lurves ya buddy.

It seems like a few people “discount the positive.” It seems like an apt term. I wonder where this behavior comes from. Is it humility? Is it low self-esteem? Are people merely uncomfortable with the attention or recognition? Or could it be true that we know our skills better than others; that they are not qualified to know if you are good at something or not. Are there other reasons?

@wundayatta Who to answer your question better then yourself?

Probably, all of the above for some, none of the above for others. Everybody hurts, sometimes, take comfort in your friends. Everybody hurts (is humble, is silly, is bashful, is boasting…) sometimes.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. In the illustrious words of Forrest Gump…Life is like a box of chocolates…

wundayatta I learned that term (discounting the positve) from a book called “Feeling Good-the New Mood Therapy” by David D. Burns. It’s listed as one of the 10 “cognitive distortions” that can lead to depression. I read this book years ago and it really helped me. I still remember all of the distortions and if I find myself engaging in thoughts like that I nip it in the bud! Why do we do it? I don’t know for sure. I know that I was taught not to brag and to be humble. Maybe it’s a religious thing because you are supposed to give God all the credit for your gifts. It can also be from saying to yourself, well, they think I’m such a great person, but they don’t know the real me. How many people can’t accept a complement gracefully? That shows you that most of us have it in us to discount the positve at times. Not a good habit!!!

@wundayatta For my own part, I don’t think I am discounting the positive. I’m just always surprised—but pleasantly so. That said, I had a terrible habit as a child of not being able to take a compliment well. My father cured me of this by pointing out how insulting it was to the person complimenting me. I did it out of a sense of humility, but in the exaggerated way a child does what he thinks is expected of him. All part of learning, I guess.

I like the idea of not having any kinds of explicit judgments at all. Kind of like when everyone lived in a village and they were all blood and everyone took responsibility for everyone else—so that if someone wasn’t doing well, others would help him or her to do better. Kids participate in all the social activities with adults and learn through doing.

Then it wouldn’t matter whether you saw what others say in you. Your primary identity would be associated with the group, not the individual self. You couldn’t see yourself as others do, because no one would be focused on any particular individual. You couldn’t have bad feelings about yourself because you didn’t identify yourself as separate from anyone else.

@wundayatta You wouldn’t have good feelings due to being an individual, either.

Yeah I guess I do, for all my short comings I’m still seen as one of the good guys, it’s only the bad guys that can see my short comings … my intentions are always honourable ……
Some people don’t like that…. Or are threatened by it…...

@MyNewtBoobs Ummmm, how is that any different from the current system?

When I am disconnected from others, I feel like I am competing with them and being judged by them all the time. It is practically impossible to feel good about anything you do because everyone else is tearing it down so they can look better.

But if we are all connected, spiritually speaking, then we aren’t separate and we can’t compete. We can only appreciated each other.

I belong to any number of groups that follow these rules. There is no criticism. Only appreciation. When I’m in these groups, I do my best work. I don’t have to worry about being shot down. I know everyone is on my side. We’re not trying to stand out above someone else. We are who we are, and we build on each other’s ideas. They are all incorporated. Welcomed. Like new jellies.

Then it doesn’t matter how people see you or you see others. We’re all on the same team, not isolated individuals constantly on the prowl for a way to one-up everyone else. If I had grown up in a world like this, there’s a good chance I would have accomplished a hell of a lot more. I have shot my own self down as not good enough so many times. Without those judgments, there would be no shooting down, and I wouldn’t have been afraid to do this or that, and I would have felt free to make mistakes—which is crucial if you want to learn.

When I was in high school, I had a chance to practice with Archie Shepp’s college jazz ensemble. My friend and I went down to check it out. I was terrified that I would totally fuck up, and I wouldn’t play. I didn’t go back again. My friend did go back, and he later became a professional asian-jazz fusion organizer with is own production company. He spent is life, short as it was, doing what he loved.

I could have done the same thing. And when I found these groups that didn’t judge, I did. If I had been criticized, it would have stopped me, and I would have thrown away my horn after a while.

No one has to say anything. We just support each other. No one ever talks about someone else and whether they did a good or bad job. We just keep working at it, and we grow and change. We build on what it, not some idea of perfection. This issue of belief in self becomes a non-issue. Irrelevant. You just do what you do and it grows organically.

I rarely let myself agree with people who see something good in me. If they see something bad, I’m all over it. But good? Sorry Charlie. I thrive in groups where good and bad are irrelevant. I doubt if anyone out there operates the same way I do. Maybe that’s why there aren’t very many people in these groups.

I was actually just reading this article that made some interesting points arguing that we all do, naturally, work like you’ve just described, @wundayatta—but we have a society that thrives off our competing with each other, so in order to survive in it we adopt, or adapt to, that sort of mentality. That only in an artificial environment like we’ve created for ourselves does a rigid heirarchy of better and worse emerge.

Now, I’m still digesting the reading, but I think its basic concept makes sense.
At least to me, it seems so intuitive and innate to do so, that I don’t get why we don’t work more in groups that support and foster, rather than battle.

And I’ll have to verify their support, but there was one part in it that particularly stuck out in my mind:
It was talking about how even our early research on other animals and their social structure, we took them out of their natural environment to study them, and watched the same rigidity of superiority come about. So we assumed it was just the way life worked. But recent studies observing those other species in the wild (mostly chimpanzees and wolves) have found much more fluid and family-esque environments. And now some people are thinking that that is what we would be like if left truly to our own devices; we’d be in the environment you’ve so eloquently described. : ]