Do you feel it is a woman's responsibility to lose weight to please her husband? (NSFW)

Hell no.

No.

It’s your responsibility to change your appearance if YOU feel the need to, however I will say, without trying to be rude at all, that it also your responsibility to keep your body healthy. You only have the one body, so treat it kindly. I struggle with that too; I’m addicted to junk food.

No. If you’re healthy and happy with your body, that’s all that matters. I feel it’s unreasonable for your husband to say that he thought you’d change if he wanted you to.

Ouch.

Do it only for yourself, if it will make you happy. it’s your body and you should be comfortable in your own skin.

He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of “changing you”.

He was wrong and arrogant to think that. I’m sorry if you love this person, that’s painful to have to hear but he better change that tune quick.

I would consider the long-term health consequences of the extra weight myself.

” I thought you would change if I wanted you too.” Seriously?!? Oh, hell, no. That’s like you saying “I think you’re a dick, but I thought you would change.”

No it is not your responsibility to change for you husband. Marrying someone means loving them unconditionally, not in hopes of their changing. If you want to change for yourself by all means have at it.

Looks lik you realized a problem, sourced it, know potential consequences, and the simple solution to the problem. Looks like you have a decision to make.

If you want to lose weight then do so but for your husband to think you have to is not right. If you want to look better and if you want to feel better then you could do it for that reason. It doesn’t even matter if you do it for him he still doesn’t have the right to tell you and expect it.

No, if you change for somebody else other than yourself, you’re going to be miserable.

Do it for yourself.

It’s hard to have perspective on this thing. I find it difficult to gain motivation when I feel sad and disappointed with my relationship. Also, there is a small, spiteful part of me that really doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking he could guilt me or punish me into losing weight.

Interesting. I’ve mostly heard of women thinking they could change a man. Man or woman, thinking you can change anyone but yourself is self-delusion. Find a man who likes women “with a little meat on their bones.” Or, if he’s worth losing 10 pounds for, do it. Or did he expect you to lose from the amount you weighed when he married you? I agree with @12Oaks. You have decisions to make.

His attitude that he expects you to change if he wants you to change is very disturbing. It’s as if he has a right to own your body because you are his wife. I wonder where that attitude of privilege comes from.

You are also sad and disappointed with your relationship overall. This is not good. I think you need to start working on your relationship in counseling soon, before he decides he’s justified in doing something really hurtful, because his wife does not act as a wife should act. These are not good signs you are describing. Take action now, before it gets so much harder.

If you were to lose weight just to please him I’d be concerned it either wouldn’t be enough pounds lost or that he would then want you to change your hair color, style and personality. It sounds to me like he has a very high opinion of himself. You have to decide if you want to spend your life dealing with this brat man.

I know I would not want to be standing between the two of you when that comment hit.
Change can only come from within. You end up resenting the effort when you change for someone else.
My head is still spinning over his comment.

I think there’s a lot more going on with your relationship than just some weight. It’s time for a serious talk between the two of you. If I found you attractive when we married, ten pounds wouldn’t suddenly make you undesirable.

@Adirondackwannabe That’s the thing. Perhaps he never did find her attractive, just someone to mold. Because he’s fucked up in the head.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir That might be exactly the thing. I was hoping I didn’t overstep the line with my comments.

@Adirondackwannabe My BFF would concur with you. He was all over me before we said “I do” then all the sudden, I am unattractive? She thinks it something emotional going on with him…

@GoJessGo Ten pounds isn’t much to gain to make things change. My girl has changed since I first laid eyes on her, but I still love her.

@GoJessGo Did you have any pre-marriage counseling? It’s time to consider your options here, as others have said before me. Weight shouldn’t have bearing on an unconditional relationship.

Wow. He’s way over the line.

You know, this works two ways. Is he overweight?

I will say this, my wife and I vowed not to become obese in our later marriage. There was a time, when both us were taking prescribed medication, that made us pack on the pounds. That situation is over and we are back to normal. Wife weighes 123 pounds(5ft. 3 in.) and I weigh 245 pounds(6ft. 4 in.) We both are well within our weight to height ration range.

We both believe that obese men and women are not attractive. This may be due to no fault of their own, like a thyrod condition.

Sure. Go ahead and work on changing your body if you think it will make you feel more beautiful and confident.
Of course, if that happens, you won’t need the approval of some controlling asshat.

Maybe in the dim & distant past, when men thought they owned the world & everything in it….you know, the 1970’s XD Backwards thinking claptrap, would me my sober opinion.

Speaking for myself here, I love chunky women :-/
No disrespect to women in general but I find larger ladies have a lot more personality than most, besides cute dimples…. Will I get shot down for this? I wonder :-/
I say, live your life for you! ;-)

Especially because he said that, “he thought you would change”; no, you should be the person you are comfortable with, not something he’s imagined in his mind.

You dont marry a person, hoping (or wanting) them to change into another person. You marry someone for who they are, accepting them as they are, at that moment.

Shame on him for being hurtful and immature.

He is very over the line with his comment.

I’m such a contrary person when statements like this are made (ridiculous and controlling) that I tend to do the opposite in a sort of passive aggressive “fuck you”. Thankfully I didn’t marry a man who felt the need to control me in any way.

You must feel betrayed. If, at this point, you lose weight and he starts paying attention to you it will feel false. I guess the question is: how to fix it? For yourself and for him. I would talk to him about how much the comment has hurt you and how counter-productive it was. If he offers up justifications then you may want to suggest couple’s therapy. If he won’t go you should. It is unbelievable that he is withholding intimacy because of some demented “plan” he had before you got married.

As @sinscriven said: ouch indeed.

You should only change any aspect of who you are for yourself. If you are healthy and you eat a healthy diet and get exercise and you are happy with you, no you shouldn’t change anything. If though, and this is regardless of what your husband wants, you are not healthy then perhaps a change FOR YOU would be good. You look after you for you.

Your husband should love you for any size you. If he doesn’t, then it isn’t love.
It is also important for you to be happy with yourself. If you are, don’t worry about it.

10 lbs is not an amount to make someone imply that you used to be attractive but are not now any longer. I would feel resentful if someone said something like that to me, it would make me feel spiteful, which is not beneficial both to you or to him, but feelings are not always logical. Your husband does not know how to motivate someone from within, he is trying to mold from the outside. He should know (and apparently does not know) that for someone to lose weight successfully requires a lifestyle change, and motivation from within is the key factor.

I am wondering how your marriage is otherwise, and if this is the only hurtful thing he has said. I would say well then apparently I’m not good enough for you, and you should go find someone suitable.

A good friend of mine has been overweight to varying degrees throughout her 20+ years of marriage, and she told me the sex was good. One night after some sex her husband said to her “there’ll be no more of that until you lose weight.” I was like “WHAT!!” I would have said “F*** YOU!” As if she were doing him a favor! Shaking my head!!

This makes me think of another question, pertaining to spousal weight gain.

In my answer to the above question, I mentioned that people should try to maintain the figure they had at the time of marriage. You’re only 10lbs off? You’re safe according to my “rules.” Ten pounds is really very minimal and I don’t think I could name a single person that would be offended if their spouse gained 10 measly pounds.

Why would you want to lose weight for someone who didn’t love every bit of you exactly as you are? Aren’t you good and beautiful? Considering your body shape hasn’t changed since your moment of matrimony, I’d tell him to shove it and remind him that he promised to love you no matter what. Ask him if he loves you, then reply with “Then why does it matter?” Whether a yes or no, the reply still fits. His comment actually sends up a red flag for me. I wonder if this could be an early warning sign of future abuse.

If you want to lose weight because YOU want to lose weight, that’s another story.

Just “to please her husband” no, but to be a healthier, happier partner, yes. There’s nothing wrong with being the best you can be in a healthy relationship. Both partners should strive to bring their best to the relationship.

No, women lose weight to become healthier or to change their shapes to please themselves or because it pleases them to get attention from pleasing others. If your husband feels this way then he should have discussed it with you before marriage.

I’m not going to lie and say in my experience that relationships mean unconditional love. The most destructive I’ve seen couples become is over sex, mostly because one or both changed weight visually enough from what they were when they first met and expected each other to always remain.

The only thing he should count on changing is a flat tire.

He should be there for encouragement if you decide to lose weight for yourself, for your health, but not because of him. If he had said he wanted you to lose weight because he was worried about your health, that would’ve been another story.

No, a wife shouldn’t lose weight for her husband’s happiness, but at the same time there is nothing wrong with trying to please her husband (and make herself happier and healthier in the process). Especially if she expects/wants him to keep in shape for her. If women keep gaining weight they can’t expect their husband to keep being as sexually attracted to them because just the fact that people don’t “take care of themselves” turns some men off.

If you were already overweight, your husband shouldn’t expect you to change- he should expect to get what he got when he married you. If you have gained weight, there is nothing wrong with him wanting you to lose that weight back.

Since I am a woman myself, this may be shocking to some but I think that if a man marries a 140 lb. woman he has the right to be a little upset if she balloons into a 200 lb. woman over the course of their marriage! He didn’t get what he thought he was getting when he married, so he has nothing to be ashamed of if he encourages his wife to lose weight. Why should he be silent to spare her feelings? What about his feelings? The same goes for a wife who has a husband who gains weight. I think that we ALL have the responsibility to take care of our bodies for ourselves and for our spouse.

No, but she does have a responsibility to find a man that loves her juicy fatness! :)

I think if you’re asking about your “responsibility” to lose weight you’re missing the reality of the thing.

This is a relationship. No third party’s pat answer is going to be able to take into account the entirety of your relationship. I’m sure that there are things that you expect out of the relationship too. Maybe he comes through on some and doesn’t on others. To ask strangers if you have to do what he wants – pretty useless.

You both have to do what the relationship requires or be prepared to walk away. Not saying this ten pounds is a make or break issue. But there’s got to be something more productive than asking Fluther.

I like the idea of a contract – I’ll do this and you’ll do that. It’s not right for everyone, I know. Could be about weight, exercise for both. Or sex. Or language. Or adventures.

And in the end if the love you get isn’t equal to the love you give then fuck him.

@6rant6 I disagree that ,“there’s got to be something more productive than asking Fluther.”. I know I have to really think through many things that bother me before I deal with them and Fluther has helped me immensely when I’ve really needed it.

What @syz said. But perhaps you could strike a deal: You’ll try to loose weight if he’ll try to grow the fuck up.

@BBSDTfamily Yeah, it’s kind of hard to get happy and healthy when you’re doing it to ‘please your husband’ first. There is a different way to approach any situation, including weight loss and satisfaction – saying ‘i figured you’d stop being fat once i married you and told you to’ is a mark of an arrogant prick. Besides, the OP didn’t tell us whether she assumed the same of her husband or whether she expects the same.

@tranquilsea I’m not saying that Fulther can’t be helpful. I’m saying offering up this little piece of her life and thinking any advice she might receive is going to be useful is beyond delusional.

By analogy, Fluther is a fairly good source of food ideas. But what she’d doing is saying, “Does my soup need more salt?” And then people are jumping in with their strong opinions.

And it’s worse than soup because relationships are more complicated than food.

@6rant6 No matter what else may be going on in their relationship telling her that he is unhappy with her weight and that he thought he could change her is hurtful. Of course things are more complicated than just this, isn’t most of life? That is why I suggested they see a therapist. I don’t know that mildly chastising her for asking the question is particularly helpful.

I think the question used the word “responsibility” when it means “obligation”. I don’t think a wife is obliged to try to be attractive to her husband in that particular way. I think it’s far more constructive though to look at the issue as what size and state of health (physical and emotional) does the wife want, and then is that pleasing to the husband, and if not, how do they talk to each other about it and what is the resolution. Of course, it goes both ways, and applies to other issues as well.

@6rant6: I agree that solely using Fluther to make a decision, might not be wise, because we might not know the full story. However, if you use the input from Fluther to start an internal conversation with yourself, followed by a conversation with the other person, then Fluther is a good thing- it’s just another tool in the toolbelt.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir The extra explanation I gave was just to clarify my point, even though I didn’t know if it pertained to her exact situation or not because she didn’t tell us. I do believe, however, that no matter the reason you become healthier, you feel better once you are.

@BBSDTfamily Sure, but that has nothing to do with what the OP’s husband’s comments are about.

@BBSDTfamily Where did she say she was unhealthy? Her weight could be there due to any number of things. Since she stated she’s always been overweight this isn’t anything new. So now that she’s gained 10lbs, she’s unhealthy?

@SpatzieLover Agreed….aaaaand I was going to point out how unreasonable it is to conflate weight with poor health regardless of people being on individual trajectories.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir We do agree sometimes :) This is one area you & I see eye to eye on

@SpatzieLover Mark this day! ;)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I lurve you all the time…I’m a stealth lurver. Sometimes I’m not around here enough to contribute.

@SpatzieLover Well, then I’ll lurve you openly when you are here.

If he wanted to motivate you, he could have suggested that both you and he try to become more healthy, take walks together, eat better, and both become more fit. Even if he is already fit, he could probably eat better or at least make the effort to participate together with you on these goals.

Concentrate on your own good health. If losing some weight help you to become healthier then work on it. Work on it by eating a healthy diet outlined on the NIH website as well as daily exercising and getting adequate sleep.

Take charge of your own health and do it for you.

@jca If he wanted to motivate her and strengthen their marriage he’d have said “My sweet sex kitten, it appears to me I have neglected you. How about we go on the sex diet?

@SpatzieLover: Lurve! If I could give you double lurve…I would!

Sex diets are THE BEST!
I didn’t click on @SpatzieLover‘s link though.

@tranquilsea So you’re of the opinion that she ever said anything he found hurtful? Being hurt does not tell anyone what to do.

Solving relationship woes hearing one side of it is worthless. Maybe she just wants people to say, “Oh poor you. You stand up to him, girl,” which is fine and all. But it doesn’t really provide any insight to fix what’s wrong.

Personally, I think it’s more valuable to point that out that than to vote that she’s right and he’s wrong.

Considering the huge health issues related to being overweight, I would suggest that you should be the one wanting to lose weight – not to please him sexually, but so that you are still alive when he is old.

His expectation is understandable, but the two of you should sit down and discuss it openly so that you can make a mutual decision, whatever that may be.

I’m not going to get into doing it for yourself or anything about health, because they have nothing to do with your question – those are just go-to issues any time someone mentions being overweight. I think it is clear those are not his concerns. He seems to care about your appearance… so why not think about it as how he wants your hair styled? Same answers, IMO.

Just because you are married doesn’t mean that you are not a person beyond “his wife.” You are still @GoJessGo. You do what you want to do. Sure, you should take your husband’s opinions into consideration, but just as important is that he will respect your feelings. Now here is the question: would he do the same for you? What if he wants to grow a beard and you hate the idea? What if he dresses like a slob?

what @Supacase said.

Guys suck.:(

Why?? what’s on offer??? :-/

Good morning! I just wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone for their insightful and thought-provoking answers. I asked this question of the “Fluther” community because I wanted honest, unbiased opinions. Anyone I know in my “real” life would of course take up my defense and not look objectively at what I am asking.

I have no intention of taking any life-altering steps because of the reactions of the Fluther community, but you have all certainly given me food for thought. I want to do what is right for me and for my marriage. At this point, I don’t know what that looks like, but I have a lot to think about.

If he married you, then he needs to be willing to “change” in this instance as well. I’m lucky to have a skinny man who likes my thickness. Not all men are that way, but maybe he needs to study some Botticelli paintings. Too bad there aren’t classes on how to appreciate your woman, in whatever form she is. Marriage is supposed to be forever, so what’s his plan if you don’t “change for him?”

And didn’t he get that memo about never being with someone who you want to change, or who wants to change you? I thought we all got that one.

@Adirondackwannabe Some guys suck…there has to be some good ones out there! I know my brothers are good men and so is my dad. I guess guys are like the rest of us…human!

@FireMadeFlesh IF he had come to me and said, “Wife, I am concerned about your health, I want you to get old with me…” that would have made a considerable difference. But he didn’t. Its not about my health…its about the fact that he married me and led me to believe he was desirous of me but then completely changed after we said “I do”. I would have never expected him to change what he is attracted too and he should not expect me to change to be more attractive to him.

@GoJessGo Thanks for the update on your feelings. I know this isn’t easy.

@GoJessGo

Well, good luck with everything, I hope everything works out for the best as long as you are happy…. That’s the main thing. And yes there are good ones out there, we just tend to get overlooked for the macho morons who just can’t see the woods for the trees… take care eh.

@GoJessGo I know all guys don’t suck, but the percent that do is kind of high. Personally, I hope I have some redeeming qualities. All the advice experts recommend counseling, so that might be a consideration. Good luck.

Very smart, @GoJessGo, and good luck to you!

I don’t see why this question is labelled “NSFW?”

@jca I think it was because she thought her sex life was a NSFW subject?

@jca Sometimes, determining what is NSFW is very hard, because some people are just uptight.

@GoJessGo I understand. It seems far too late in your relationship for him to decide that he wants something different from what you have had all along. I can’t help but wonder why this is the first time he has made these thoughts known. Maybe there is another cause, and he is using your size as a convenient excuse to cover this other cause – in the same way I tell people I’m tired when I’m annoyed, so they don’t ask any further questions.

I have no experience with counselling, but you might need a third party (even a close friend) to help you get to the bottom of this.