Am I really in love?

The perfect is the enemy of the good.
No relationship is ever perfect, and if you look for perfection you will fail to value the good in things.
Being “in love” with a “soul mate” is hogwash. Love is what you do, not what you feel.

Yeah. You really don’t love nobody until the time you feel you really hate the guy. HATE HATE HATE. Yet you really can’t imagine not spending the rest of your life with him, only him.

If you’re not sure, don’t settle.

Check out the Triangular Theory of Love I bet you’ll find your feelings explained in there somewhere. As relationships progress, the love changes. It could be that you’re at a companionate stage when you weren’t before.

What you described sounds like quite a catch. Personally, you had me at “makes me laugh.” Does saying “I love you” feel right?

I’ve never been in love, all, so I’m far from an expert. All I know of it comes from my Psychology major

Psychologists have just proven ( recently enough, forgot my source or I would share)
that all romantic love is an addiction, literally.

It is an intoxicating cocktail of dopamine and other feel good, ’ meet, mate & procreate’ dance going on there.

True ‘love’ is about choice, commitment and altruism.

This is why ‘true’ love is so rare, considering about 98.8% or the population is high on the high of ‘love’ and has a miserable time of it when their bed of roses sprouts thorns. lol

It sounds like you may be ready to make the mistake so many make. All the influence we have about this relationship stuff is confusing. If you get along in such a positive way, then you’ve found someone compatible. Not “the” person, just “a” person. You may never find a match like this again. Don’t try to improve on it by looking further, just realize you have found what many never will. Our culture tells us don’t settle for less than perfect, so your mind is verifying that – with doubt. He’s the one, don’t screw it up.

@AllAboutWaiting

Ditto…... he’s the one.

I understand wanting the passion and the googly eyes, as I call it. That head over heels, I can’t get him out of my mind feeling. But it really is like a drug, except it’s a natural high.

I spent a few years of my life going after that feeling, even though I was married. For some of that time, it was the only thing, I think, that kept me alive. At the same time, it was the think that nearly killed me. I would fall in love and destroy the relationship in a month, and I did this over and over.

It wasn’t about love. It was about the high. I certainly did (and do) love the women I was involved with, but it was so unhealthy that a pandemic would look like child’s play in comparison. Part of it, it turned out, had to do with mental illness, and I was doing it in order to try to cope with the horrible feelings I had with myself. Subconsciously, I thought that if someone could fall in love with me, maybe I was ok. But it was never enough.

When you say something is missing—it’s that high and the excitement that is missing. And that high is a wonderful thing. I think they say that it is better than any other high there is. It’s really too bad that you didn’t get to have that with your boyfriend, but if you run off to find it somewhere else, it could be a long time before you find someone who both gives you a high and is as good as your boyfriend. In other words, 90 percent of the time, you will regret that choice because you gave up a really good relationship in order to get it.

If that feeling is worth it to you—i.e., if you’re a love junkie like I am, then go for it. Just be aware of what you are giving up in order to get it. If you’re like me, you might try to have both. Maybe you’ll get away with it. But you won’t really, because if you do that without telling your boyfriend, you will destroy any chance of true intimacy with him, unless he forgives you and takes you back. If he loves you like you say he does, he will likely take you back, but he won’t trust you for a long time.

Anyway, I made the choice to go for the high, and I risked my marriage to do that. Eventually I confessed to my wife and she took me back, and after years of therapy, I think she trusts me again. But there is still a lot I can’t talk to her about, even though she knows that I did something.

I can’t tell you what choice to make. I made my choice because I was desperate and I was not in my ordinary mindset. I’m not unhappy that I did what I did. I learned a lot from it. I learned stuff I can tell others. But I wish I could have had that intimacy with my wife that I craved, and now that is cut off from me forever.

Sounds like he’s an amazing friend. You deserve to feel passion in a relationship.

yes, you are in love.

It seems to me like you’re in love with the idea of being in love.

You cannot buy, replace or fake “he makes me laugh.” Maybe you need to learn the passion. Passion is not always spontaneous

You could do a lot worse. If you don’t “love him” now, give it time. You will.

I’ve been with him for about a year now. If I don’t feel passion now, I don’t know if I ever will.

I don’t buy the idea that I won’t ever find someone as good as him. Is it really that unbelievable to think that someone out there can love me who I love back and feel confident I can spend the rest of my life happily with?
I think this is why so many people get divorced. They settle—and then they get tempted by the idea of “something better.” I just don’t want to make that mistake. I want to be certain, I want to feel like I have someone I’ll never get tired of or bored with, someone who I feel like I really belong with.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I think if people give themselves the chance, they can find the best relationship for them.
If I don’t FEEL like he’s the one, why should I try to convince myself otherwise?

All these thoughts are bubbling up again because I met a guy this weekend who I felt an incredible chemistry with. He’s not even super attractive, just really sweet and fun. We just really hit it off and I feel a dire need to see him again. I realized that I never felt this with my current bf. I have this weird, nagging feeling about this guy. I don’t know him very well, but my gut is telling me that we could be something.

Obviously, I don’t want to ditch the boyfriend I really care about over this. It’s just something that’s raised some doubts.

Actually, people get divorced because they overrate passion, which is often infatuation. When things get difficult or boring, they find they don’t like each other much, or have different values.

@silverlining

Good luck w’dat. My first marriage lasted 36 years, but once we were done raising children, the honeymoon was over. My second wife and I love each other dearly, and are what most would call “soul mates,” but I am now almost 68 years old. You sure you want to run the risk of waiting that long??

So why not try to create some passion in this relationship? He sounds like a real keeper, but for some reason you aren’t feeling that electricity when he is around. Have you felt that with anyone? What was it (if you can identify it) that caused that zing? Perhaps you two can do things to try to get that spark going?

You’re correct that there are two sides to this situation. One side of me says move on because as much as you need to figure out what you want he doesn’t deserve someone who is settling for him. I dated some girls that were technically perfect in the marriage material department and I just didn’t feel it so I moved on.

Now having said that let me say, you would get very lucky to find another relationship this good. I heard someone say once that since men are typically or from a dynamics point the initiators it’s best when the man loves the women more, so girls find a boy thats head over heels in love with you and keep him. I’m betting that the man you will find passion with will also bring as much pain as pleasure, but that may be your thing.

Don’t ever settle, you owe it to your boyfriend to move on so he can find someone that deserves him. Don’t go out with this other guy till you break up with your boyfriend, that would be selfish and scar your current boyfriend in such a way that he would probably have a difficult time loving or trusting again, don’t do it.

Oh, and one more thing, don’t be confused about being attrated to other guys, that will always be there. You have to understand that when you make a more commited choice like marriage, love is lived out as a choice not a feeling. I’m not talking about just sticking with someone because of the commitment I’m talking about waking up everyday and choosing to find reason’s and ways to love them. Most of the times in life actions precede feelings. Good luck.

If you are having doubts, you need to explore them. If you are attracted to someone else, have a cooling off period or break up with this guy and explore other relationships. 30 years down the road you may regret it if you don’t. Don’t let people talk you into “good enough” if your heart isn’t in it.

Actually at my age, it’s quite amusing to see young people’s views on love and relationships. I heard all the sage advice from my granny and mother, but I didn’t get it until now, so I don’t expect that you will, either, but let me share it with you anyway. Love is a state of mind. You choose to love or not love someone, so the notion that you could just “fall out of love” is preposterous. With that in mind, choose someone to love that is good for you and a decent, stable person who has something to offer. Once committed to a relationship, stay that way. It is an act of will, not chance, when couples stay together. What you feel for your guy now isn’t the same as what you will feel for him after 20 years of marriage, but don’t think that the magic is gone. That ga-ga infatuation will slowly be replaced by a history together, deeper feelings of committment, and a feeling of being comfortable with him. It’s all good.

@Skaggfacemutt

Indeed it is “all good!” Great answer. Only thing I would add is that sometimes, if you’re very, very lucky, love just finds you… you don’t get the option to choose.

@CaptainHarley Thanks, but you really do get to choose. If I ran into a drop-dead gorgeous guy who really melted my butter, but he was a serial killer, I could still choose not to get involved with him. I might always be sexually attracted to him, but that isn’t the same as love.

Let me expound on that a little. Suppose the guy wasn’t a serial killer, but my sister’s husband, Yes, I could ruin my sister’s life and make a big rift in the family by saying I just fell in love and couldn’t help it. Sorry, but that is B.S. Even in love you have to take responsibility.

@silverlining Your boyfriend sounds wonderful, but there are so many people out there. Maybe it wouldn’t be any time soon, but you might someday meet someone who loves you, supports you, and who you are passionately in love with.

@Skaggfacemutt

I never believed in “soul mates” until I met my wife. Of course you can say “no,” but sometimes you realize that the cost of doing so is exceedingly high!

Being head over heels in love is way too dramatic. I’ll take making me laugh, and unfaltering affection any day.

@CaptainHarley If the cost of saying no is higher than the cost of saying yes, then go for it. I am not saying to NOT fall in love. Just to do it responsibly. Use your head, because your heart can be really, really stupid sometimes. Ha-ha.

@Skaggfacemutt

Indubitably! : )

@Silverlining You know if you are having second thoughts about a relation.you should talk to your partner. Nobody other than him can answer this better for you. You so want to take a calculated risk. Sometimes its better to stay back because even when we know that we can love someone more, we also know that we may not find someone who’ll love us as much :). What if there’s someone out there? is the question that forces us to risk what we have in search of something better. Its not just you but no relationship is perfect. For everybody who is in love..there are times when we feel that this is “the one” and everything would seem full of passion. But as you spend more time together you realize that passion is not everything and doesn’t last..you need to make it last. If you work hard on keeping love alive between you both..and take care of him rather than being taken care of – you will feel that it is passion that drives you. Whatever your guy does for you to make you feel loved is out of passion. You are just burning out ..its a phase and it will pass. We all go through it.. especially girls :) You have a loving bf who is also your friend and instead of reciprocating his love you are thinking of getting a new one.. Anything new attracts us..but as it ages it needs to be taken care of. Say you’ll obviously prefer a new car over a second-hand but with time it will also need servicing and maintenance. Your relationship has just reached a phase where it seems boring and dull. And I am sure half these things are in your head and your partner may not have any idea about it.If you’ve had this mixed feeling before meeting the “new” guy then you need to tell your guy about it now – because this new guy’s entry may just worsen what you have. You just need to be drawn to your bf. Rather than him being nice..he should make you come after him. Maybe he didn’t do so..coz he knows that if he gives you space..you’ll fly away. So maybe he’s been around you so much that now now you need the space. I am sure when you talk to him..hear his side of story u’l get another angle. If he’s been feeling the same that you don’t return his passion…then its a different thing altogether. If you both have not been passionate – then you both can work on it..Just don’t be lazy and loved all the time but return his favor ;) Do some crazy stuff together.. but first talk to him about it – he has a right to know how you feel. You’ll get a more clear picture then..and know in heart for sure whether you are doing the right thing or not. Give it a try before you let go. May you find the love around you :)

But arn’t passion and love two very different things? Passion is more lustful and we grow out of that and into the stage you are at now, love. Many people out there search to find what you have, and no realationship is ever perfect. It takes hard work and a lot of communication to get it to where you want it.
Don’t destroy what you have just because you think passion is not there.

If passion is gone in my relationship, then I don’t think love is there any more. For me, passionlessness is worse than death. Yeah. Maybe the perfect definition of depression: complete and utter passionlessness. That would kill me if it didn’t go away.